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If you were me

stepmomto2many's picture

Just pretend you were in my shoes for a day and give me your best advice on what you would do.

You have 3 teenage stepdaughters. Who tell you all the time that you are not their mother and they don't have to listen to you.
When your DH grounds them they just walk out. When He yells they ignore him and tell him what is he going to do beat them?
They curse and fart and burp in front of anyone even if you threaten to ground them.
You unplug the TV and take away all electronics and they start kicking your furniture and cursing at you.
They threaten to spit in your face.

I know I need to grow a back bone. I want to knock their teeth in. DH does not know what to do because he can't really ground them. I know we don't sound like great parents. If you and your DH were us what would you do? We are just about ready to buy them a plane ticket back home.

Comments

godess-clueless's picture

I would have packed my bags and moved out long ago. or option number 2 would be to let them get mad enough to start a physical confrontation. At that point with out striking back, fall to the ground, call ambulance, call police and file charges.

hismineandours's picture

These are some good ideas!!

Seriously if they are only there for a week-I, Personally, would find lots of reasons to be away from the home and let dh deal with them.

jeff394's picture

This is what I would say (and have said to SS15)

"You're right, I'm not your dad (mom in your case), but this is my house. If you can't respect the rules of the house and the wishes of the people who feed and clothe you, then the front door is right there (point in general direction of the front door).

The larger problem is that you can't make your DH be a parent. Why can't he ground them, he's their father?

When they burp and fart all over the place, spray them with Febreze or whatever is handy.

The longer they kick and curse, the longer the electronics stay away.

As long as they hate you anyway, get creative and give them a real reason to hate you. Or respect, whichever comes first.

PS. Anyone who spits in my face is getting knocked the f out.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Hmm. I think if I were in your shoes, Id probably work hard with DH on setting rules, punishments, rewards for good behaviour, chores & no allowance unless they knocked off their vile behaviour. You & your DH need to be very consistsnt & show no wavering. Id read any & all articles I could on parenting teens with behavioural issues. Gain as much knowledge as I could. Then Id try to give it my all alongside DH. Id realise that DH would need to be the one Parenting them & Id take more of an approach as being the other Adult figure in the home who can also help DH as he parents, but He is key here!!! He needs to handle the consequences!! He needs to make sure they are followed thru & adhered to!!!

Honestly. I might even buy that series you see on Tv. That Total Transformation Kit series. Id give it one big good shot with those kids. Id strip them of all electronics & gadgets and take their bedrooms down to the very basics. Make them earn it all back- bit by bit. Attitudes must change!!! Rewards for good behaviour Only!!! Kind of like a sort of bootcamp for teens, if you will.

But-- once I had exhausted all efforts--plane tickets home would be happily purchased!! One way only. No revolving door effect!!! Sometimes even with the best of intentions, it can just be too much. Its also very very hard to change the attitudes & manipulations the kids have learned thru their childhoods!!!! Esp if nobody ever stood up to them, never disciplined them or truly tried to Parent & teach them morals & standards of conduct!!! Sometimes its also too much too late. Perhaps that is the case here, perhaps not. But Id atleast want the "peace of mind" to know I had tried. If my DH wasnt backing me 100%, if he Disney Parented or would just "look the other way"---- well, Id be done. I must say. Your DH is key here. He has the most power to change things--- for All of you!!!

Hang in there & I wish you the best!!!

stepmomto2many's picture

Thanks stepmomto3bioto1. That is a good idea because I have no expreience in handeling teens.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Well, I think with that age you have to be very creative to discipline.

Here is what I would do:

I would take EVERYTHING out of their bedrooms but furniture and their clothes.

NO TV and NO ELECTRONICS, just books while they are there. (Even if I had to have them temporarily shut off)

I would NOT invite anyone over while they are there. (NO interaction)

I would buy the basics for food while they are there. NO Sweets, No candy, NO soda and no Fast food and I would NOT take them out in public.

I would NOT cook ANYTHING for them.

IF they walked out and under the age of 16 I would call the cops/juvi when they left.

If they started kicking my furniture and cussing I would call the cops and tell them they are out of control and that I felt threatened. Same if they threatened to spit on me.

I would do this EVERY single time they came!!!

By the time I got finished with these kids they would either NEVER come back or they would straighten up.

I was a NO NONSENSE parent. BTW, some of these I have done or threatened with my kids.

**Edited to add** I would not leave my home, unless you think they might lie on you but I would require DH to take some time off while his kids are there.

I would not touch them at all.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Give the worst offender/instigator a plane ticket home and see if the other two are workable without her there. Divide and conquer.

If DH can't handle them, they shouldn't come together.

^^^ THIS. I like this.

Disneyfan's picture

Once I moved back to NY, my son only saw his dad a few weeks a year. He would have never tried the crap the OP's SD's are pulling. He knew his dad would not allow it.

SD15 lives 6 hours away. When she's here (a few times a year)she dances to the beat of our drum. The one time she tried to pull some teen girl crap with me, DF and I both got in her ass.

The amount of time a parent spends with his/her child shouldn't have an impact on his/her ability to discipline.

Kid are taught early on what they can get away with.

Willow2010's picture

Post like this make me thank my lucky stars for DH and "some" of his parenting.

1). He would have taken off to hang with this brats.

2) He would have physically made sure that all of that crap only happened one time. SS is strange but he would not do that and if he did. DH would take him down for it.

If DH is too scared to discipline them, then call the cops if they damage your house.

fedup13's picture

I would send them home and not let them come back. At their age and with their actions that is unacceptable. If they treat their own father that way when they are only there to see him for a week, it is pretty clear they don't give a rat's ass about him or his feelings. They sound like obnoxious, gross, heathens and I would not want to have them in my home ever again. If your DH still wants to give them opportunities to abuse and embarrass him he needs to take the next break off from work and go to them, not them come to you. Sorry!! Sounds hellish.

Willow2010's picture

PS. Anyone who spits in my face is getting knocked the f out.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
YUP!

whatwasithinkin's picture

DH would have to take vacation and Id be at a hotel using his credit card.

Disneyfan's picture

I would leave. A man who can't or won't parent his own kids is a complete turn off.

Sending them home is taking the easy way out.

Onefootout's picture

Looked up spitting on the Internet. Intentionally spitting on someone is a crime in many if not most states, I'm willing to bet. I would research your state criminal statutes. In many cases it is known as simple assault. Some states even have specific statutes regarding bodily fluids, especially if the spitter has a contagious disease.

These girls are outright criminals. If they spit on you, and if your state laws consider it a crime, then I'd seriously consider calling the cops. You'll catch flack from DH, screw him he let this get out of control.

Drac0's picture

I would gather all their clothes and belongings and stuff them into their luggage. If they don't have luggage, garbage bags would do just fine. I would place luggage into the trunk of my car. I would then tell the girls to get in the car. If they don't get in, I would coerce them somehow (Ie. "We're going for ice cream". I would then drive them all the way to the military college that I had picked out.

At the front gate I would then order them to get out and then dump all their belongings onto the side of the road. I would give them their first military salute and calmly say "See you in 6 months", get back in my car and drive back home.

Drac0's picture

Same thing.

Is there any point to this? You and I are never going to agree on anything anyways.

I'll say the sky is blue and you'll say no, it's a fish.

Unfreakingreal's picture

You should go on Livingsocial.com, find one of those incredible 1 week getaways, get on a plane and come back when they're gone.

Now, if you're looking for a more permanent solution, I'd grow a back bone and show the bitches whose boss in that house. Turn off the cable & the internet, and make their week a living hell until they learn how to act like proper young ladies. Your DH will have to back you up on this though.