What do I do, what can be done?
I have been married to my husband for a few years, we have a baby girl together. It was all good in the beggining, but his daughters are running the show now. He's allowing it, so I'm blaming him.
My step daughters are 14 and 16. Their mother is not a typical BM that you find on this site (I've been lurking for some time now :P) She has a job, makes a lot of money, doesn't try to control DH or meddle with our lives, which I appreciate. She's not married, but she has a boyfriend and I know him, he's a good man. She doesn't seem to be bad either - she was good to DH during their relationship and during their divorce. They never had problems, simply "fell out of love". We've talked a few times and she's been polite and kind. Some would expect that this would make our relationship with SDs a bit better than the typical materialistic-disobedient-mean-manipulative situation.. But it's not any better.
My step daughters are really, really terrible. In front of their father, they act like angels, they decieve him to think that they're little sweet angels. But they aren't. They are very disrespectful to me, mean, make sarcastic comments, they're simply really terrible to me. My husband doesn't see this because in front of him, they ask me about my day, buy me little gifts, bring me ice cream from the store and offer to wash dishes. But the things they say and do when he's not watching are completely different. They lie about me to my husband and he tends to believe them, simply because there's two of them and they lie together. They are A students, well behaved, have good relationships with other people so it seems unlikely to him that they're being bitches to me. But they are. A few weeks ago, SD14 said "You're leaving, I don't care what it takes or how long it takes, we will get what we want just like we always do." And I tried teling this to DH, simply stating that the SDs want me gone, and before I even got the chance to tell him what SD said, he said that it isn't true and SDs are great girls who like me. He got angry, said that I just don't like them and don't appreciate how good they are to me. But they're only good in front of him, they are terrible when he's not around. SD16 told me that I'm "stupid as fuck for giving birth to a child that will always have to come second and will never get from her father the life they did". Which is possibly true, and I realise this just now. He only gives me money for the baby, and is not interested her at all. He only cares about them. Men feel uncomfortale about babies, ok, but he doesn't even want to hear about her! And he won't shut up about SDs.
His whole family idolizes SDs but don't even notice our baby, like she's not here. It hurts. It hurts that she gets less love and attention than them, even though she's an innocent kid and they're manipulative bitches. I wish it was different. It's not about money that SDs get, it's about the love and attention from grandparents,aunts, cousins.. It's the fact they're treated like goddesses while my baby is completely ignored.
I can't leave my husband. I don't have a full-time job, and currently can't get one. I don't have a place to live at so there's nowhere to go, I don't have the money to take care of my baby. If I leave, I'm screwed.
But I can't take this crap anymore.. But he always trusts them and sides with them.
I'm desperate and miserable. 
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Ignore the little wenches.
Ignore the little wenches. When they say something mean to you, just say uh uh, whatever and walk away.
If you can, try to record it on a cell phone or something. This would be best to prove once and for all to your DH that they are evil.
Start planning to leave if you cannot do so right now. This doesn't mean you will leave for sure but know that you have an escape plan ready. Are you planning on going back to work? If so, save some money secretly. If you are not going back, start saving money secretly anyway. It will take longer, but at least you will be able to leave if you have to.
Also, if you do leave there are all kinds of support systems in place for single moms to help you get back on your feet. Talk to women in crisis or social services if it is unbearable.
Your DH will also have to provide Child Support if you leave, so you will not be alone financially.
These witches will not let up if they know their tactics are working on you. Just smile like you are crazy and walk away, as if YOU HAVE A BIG SECRET. That will start unravelling them and sooner or later they will show their true colours in front of daddeeee.
Also, in my opinion, I would not want to raise my baby with these 2 evil girls. Who knows what mental or physical abuse they are capable of on an innocent, weak child. For her sake, I would RUN FAR and RUN FAST.
^^THIS^^ Start keeping a
^^THIS^^ Start keeping a recorder on you and get proof that he cannot deny. He will still most likely try and will make excuses but he will know deep down that it is true. It is an awful situation to be in and I am very sorry.
You're being gaslighted! I
You're being gaslighted! I think your DH knows exactly what's going on. My ex-bf did the same thing with me before we broke up. I would accuse his daughter of taking my clothes and he would say, "well how do you know they are yours?" Really? WTF. I think I know my own clothes and I see the tags, and princess would never buy her clothes at JCPenny. Too beneath her.
Evil little monsters, yuck. I agree with the other comments. I don't now what kind of training you have, but start thinking about restarting or starting a career, talk to career counselors at community colleges or colleges, depending on your educational background, and make sure you have some marketable job skills (you may already have these) before you leave. Just a hunch, but your DH may try to thwart your attempts to become financially independent, through discouragement or manipulation, so be prepared and don't let that get in your way.
And I like the above posters' ideas about talking to women's social services. and also getting a recorder. Your DH does not have your back.
Onefootout... my response to
Onefootout... my response to your ex-bf would have been "Well if I can't be sure these are my own clothes how can you be sure your daughter is yours?" Baganza!
Videotape them!!!!
Videotape them!!!! Seriously!! Do you have a cell phone that takes pics & video?? I had to do this with my SS11. My DH believed & bought into that super sickening sweet crap hed do towards me when DH was around. But as soon as DH woukd leave the room, SS11 would not only tell me that he was trying to get me to either leave or get DH to divorce me!!! Of course DH thought I was mean toward him, until I got smart & started to carefully (so SS wouldnt know) tape it!!!
Trust me, your DH cannot refute whats on video in black & white!!! DH & I got into a big fight one day, carefully plotted out by SS, and as soon as DH turned his back-- SS was not only laughing & smiling at me- but the darn kid walked right up to me- leaned over towards me & said "see ya"! I knew I could get my Dad to hate you & I hate you too!!"
Last laugh was on Him!!! I called DH back into the room & replayed it-- in front of SS-- DH was Floored!!! I just looked right at SS & smiled. DH believes me now!!!
Hang in there. I know its a tough place to be!!!
Wow, what manipulative brats!
Wow, what manipulative brats! I am sorry you are going through this.
I agree, tape record them.
But remember, even though the truth will be there for your husband to hear, he may be more pissed at you for recording them, than for what he hears them saying on the recording. He will probably even make up excuses for what he hears.
I would still do it, just be prepared for the fallout. I would record several instances over time before I took it to your husband, just to show him it is an ongoing thing and not just PMS.
Hopefully, it will open his eyes.
You can get a voice activated
You can get a voice activated recorder pretty cheap if you want to go that route. Not sure it will change anything even if you give your DH proof. He doesn't want to deal with it.
I'd probably go into the same mode as them. Nice and sweet to their face - but since they are going to lie about you anyway it doesn't matter how you treat them.
Not to sink to their level by instigating crap but when they dish out crap you can hand it back to them double. They are teens - probably a little insecure about something as most teens are. Pour salt into their insecurities if you want.
Hell you can lord it over them that you can please your DH in ways they never will be able to (wink wink).
At this age he honestly can't do much to make them stop their crap that they do when he is not around. Don't keep dumping this on your DH. Yes he should man up and ban them but you can pull that card when they are 18.
If I had voice recordings of them being really horrible I'd be more tempted to give it to their mother not DH.
I would record away. The
I would record away.
The thing is some men cannot connect with non vocal children. Maybe when your daughter gets older he will interact with her more.
That said, I would certainly start taping the girls. And here is something I found out the other day, you can STILL buy the old cassette tape players and recorders for about $30 on amazon as well as the tapes. And even if it is easier for you to tape them on your phone you cannot hide a phone long term. They could find it and delete it if they are nasty enough. With a cassette tape you can hide it away from your house with a friend t use at the right time. You can also leave it running for 90 minutes without being worried by phone calls etc.
I would hide it in a cupboard or under a piece of furniture. When Daddy leaves the house, turn it on and let the crap begin. When one of them says "You will go eventually cos we always get what we want." Just say "Why are you so nasty?" And let them burble on all their crap.
Once you accept their nastiness as 'crap' or 'junk' it removes their power. If you hear it as 'venom' it magnifies it.
Do not talk to your DH about them. The meaner they are the more they will slip up.
And when you have something REALLY obvious from them ask your DH to listen to this.... He may be angry you are secretly taping his daughters but this is when you say "And this is why I am leaving you. Think about what they have said for a few days and contact me on Friday and we will discuss where we go from here."
Be strong. Reclaim your life. If you 'lose' him the loss really isn't so great.
You don't have to stay. Talk
You don't have to stay. Talk to family and friends. Ask them for help (a place to live until you're on your feet, job leads ...) for a bit.
Social services will help with day care, food, and housing.
No good could come from forcing your daughter to grow up in a home with a father who treats like this.
Nannycam! We had to finally
Nannycam! We had to finally get one set in our bedroom to catch ss19 stealing. We knew he was stealing (and blamed it on my kids) but could not prove it b/c he always sold what he stole. Yup, arm yourself with evidense. Don't tell anyone, just do it and then some evening when you have good stuff show dh.
I'm mad at how you're being treated
^^ excellent advice.
Unfortunately, there's
Unfortunately, there's nothing about them that I could compare to Messy Tssie or Valerie Vomit. Or any other disgusting kid, tbh. I wish I could, but those girls are definitely good looking. In fact, I don't even dare to bring up the looks in an argument because in general they look better than me. I'm not bad looking, I'm an average woman, but they are beautiful. No wonder, so are their parents. But their parents are good people, unlike them.
And I've never seen them with pimples-it could be clear skin or amazing make up, but no pimples.
In fact, if I had something to laugh and smirk at, I'd probably feel safer and better, but since I can't find a weak point in them, I feel helpless, since they always find things to point out about me.
They tell me I'm fat and short.. (I'm not short or fat, I'm average. A bit chubby but.. I look fine) What do I tell them? They're tall and work out every other day.
They tell me I look orange and I should tone it down with the fake tan (I am NOT orange and my tan is NOT fake), what do I tell them? Their skintone is great. I never had a problem with my skin, but they say I look like a gypsy.
They tell me my eyes look demonic, what do I tell them? Theirs are deep blue and green. Ok my eyes are a bit weird in color, but people in general don't think they are ugly. But heyyyy, my SDs have to bring back my insecurity from my youth. Bitches.
Basically, the looks card would be something I'd play since it's what they do, if I had anything to tell them. But since they'd just ramp up the comments to me if I said anything... I try not to do that. And even if I wanted to, I have no idea what would I tell them. They really look good and take care of themselves.
They say things like "I can't figure out why would my father be with you, there are so many beautiful women out there... How did he end up with something like you?"
And I am not "something", I am not ugly. I look fine and just because I'm not ideal doesn't mean I'm not good.
What even hurts me more is that they say that I should "pray three times a day that my child doesn't look as ugly as I do".
Or that my baby seems to start to look like me... "which is really sad, that kid did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to look so bad"
And that's just.. disgusting. How can they say that ? My baby is lovely now and she's gonna stay lovely.
Maybe she wont have the model looks like they do, but she'll have a good personality and treat people good..Unlike them. And that's what matters.
Tell them that you have
Tell them that you have fantastic love making skills. Tell them that your DH will do anything for time with you.
That real men don't give a damn about perfect looks - it's the bedroom where things count.
I think that it's not really
I think that it's not really appropriate to tell teenage girls about my skills in that area... Or our sex life.
Don't get me wrong, I love your idea and I'd do it if it wasn't a bit.. awkward for me. I'd do it, but I don't feel comfortable enough.
And honestly I don't want to give them ideas-what if they decide to be perfect in bed, too, and start it early? As much as they piss me off, I still don't want to give them bad ideas. And I think my husband would be pissed if I said stuff like that to them.
AND.. My husband doesn't even want time with me at all. It's obvious, he's always doing something else, and since they're with us half of the time, they know it. I'll go to bed and he'll stay up with them, or he'll go sleep and I'll work around the house. During the day he's either with them or at work. I just don't have anything against these little bitches.
Can't wait to have my money and then I can get rid of them. It'll be terrible to have my child away half of the time but... it'd be worse to bring her up with these two monsters!
A partner that cannot give
A partner that cannot give ANY credence to what you say if it conflicts with his daughters is no partner at all. I'm so sorry you feel so isolated and under attack in your own home. What they're doing is really a very insidious form of bullying, a calculated effort to belittle and undermine. As far as you can, focus on your baby girl and spending time away from those toxic people. Record them if you can, but be prepared for it not to be the magic bullet of truth as far as DH is concerned. If nothing else it will reassure you that you are not going mad. And explore any option you can for leaving.
I want to thank you all for
I want to thank you all for your responses, it really means a lot to me to have your support.
I'll try to record them when they say something, but honestly it comes out of nowhere and takes 10 seconds that I'm not sure if I'll manage to record it. But I'll try, and when I have 5 I'll show my husband. If he doesn't realize then what they're like, well... Then it will be time for a new plan.
I'm saving money anyway, though.
Thank you all, again.
In the meantime when the
In the meantime when the nasty superficial remarks come out you could say "Seriously? You think being pretty gets you a terrific guy like your Dad? Sadly girls, men see through pretty pretty quickly. Men want to be with good women. Women who are loving and honest and faithful. So I aren't a traditional beauty. Then seriously I think you should bring up my shortcomings to your father. I am sure he will be very interested to hear your thoughts on how attractive or not attractive I am. Now shall we disucss this after dinner or before?"
Beauty fades in time. But
Beauty fades in time. But your personality is always there. Girls like that end up being bitter bitches. And psycho BMs.