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Interesting Discovery Today

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 12:43pm

Hey All!! BF and I have agreed that we're going to talk tonight and come to a resolution. So In prep for this, I just did some google searches on how a "step"family should work, if the couple's relationship comes first or if the kids come first. I have to say it's about split down the middle..but as I read people's responses about how the kids come first in a step family because "they were there first"..I decided to look up some statistics and found that 50% of 1st marriages fail, 67% of 2nd marriages fail and 73% of 3rd marriages fail. HMMMM.....I wonder why the 2nd and 3rd marriage failure rates ARE SO HIGH?! Hmmm...MAYBE it's because priority levels are not put on the success of the marriage because hey, the new spouse came after the kids... I just feel like this FURTHER backs me up on my views that a marriage and the relationship between the couple takes priority over the kids.. Obviously 2nd & 3rd marriage success rates get lower and lower because more so often now, divorced parents..LIKE MY BF...have the mentality that their kid comes first and as a result, they aren't supporting or putting importance on the person they chose to spend the rest of their life with.

Comments

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 12:49pm

Pretty sure that there a lot more at work behind those statistics than simply putting kids before the marriage.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 12:49pm

Just be careful about how you say this to him. I know of some parents that are outraged that an another adult would ask them to put their kids "last". I would tell him that I understand his responsibility to his son and that you support that and also "enjoy" many of his son's events, but would like him to understand that most children in intact families do not have parents that go to every single event of their child and that in intact marriages (the ones that last anyway) there is time made and much importance given to the marital relationship. I love, love spending time just with my dh. It doesnt mean I dont love my kids-but sometimes I just love being dh's sexy wife and a woman who enjoys pursuing her own intersts-I am a mom-but I am more than a mom as well.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 12:51pm

Too bad you cant find some statistics-about how many marriages fail after the man decides a ham and bean supper is more important than his soon to be wife's 30th bday party?

Anne Boleyn's picture

Submitted by Anne Boleyn on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:27pm

I swear to god, I giggle every time I see "ham and bean dinner". That will forever be burned in my mind as the key phrase to remind me of this phase of my life.

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:32pm

hehehe Wink

My mom is going to cook filet for my party. I cannot wait to sit down to my filet dinner and know that he is eating nasty ham & beans..haha...oh well - he'll be with his "flesh & blood" and be able to give him $ for raffle tickets..makes it all worth it! I hope he has massive diarrhea for the rest of the weekend }:) haha

HungryEyes's picture

Submitted by HungryEyes on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 12:58pm

Someone on here said it best - the KIDS NEEDS are first. Your relationship is 2nd. And their WANTS are 3rd. I like that.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 1:07pm

This is how I explained it to DH. Our relationship should come first so we can face everything together, as a team. If you chose to put your relationship with your kid before your marriage then we should get a divorce right now.

He gave me the "you're putting me in the middle" BS line and I flat out told him "you're putting yourself in the middle by putting your kid and me on a level playing field. She is not my equal. I am your wife, she is your kid. Until you understand the difference, then you will always be in the middle."

DH finally wised up. He does treat her like a mini-wife from time to time, but nothing like he did before.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 1:11pm

If he doesn't share your views on who should come first, why stay together?

Trying to force him to change his opinion on this won't work.

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:00pm

Exactly..we're going to iron it all out tonight..If we can't find common ground and agree on where our relationship stands then I will have to move on..

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:10pm

I hear what you guys are saying..I know that step families are an entirely different dynamic than first families so I'm sure there are many other reasons why 2nd & 3rd marriages fail...I just thought it was kind of funny that the % increased more and more. I don't have kids of my own so I don't have that kind of connection with another living being. I am very good to his kids. I support them and go to their events. I play games with them and we have family time together, go on vacations together, etc. My issue is the intensity of my BF's devotion to them. On our most recent vacation on a cruise ship, he didn't even want to spend 1 hour with me on the 21+ deck. 1 hour..

I love how involved he is in their lives..He will make a great dad to our own future "someday" kids..and I love it. What he and I are going to discuss tonight is WHEN does our relationship come first? When does supporting me become important? Right now I only receive his time when the kids are not around. If Kids are around or if something comes up with them on our days off, he will ditch me every time- I never come first..no matter what the occasion- and this occasion that prompted these posts is my 30th birthday.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:18pm

I had to ask my DH WHY he went seeking a relationship if he wasn't willing to keep it going (meaning, pursuing me then putting me on the back burner). I asked him what exactly he was looking for, was it a mate, or a mother for his children (whom they resent, BTW)?

If he was looking for a mom figure, he was barking up the wrong tree. Yes, I'm a mom to my own two children. But I'm not JUST a mom. I'm many more things than that. But if that is how he was going to pigeon-hole me, then I needed to get going.

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:28pm

Not to totally throw my BF under the bus- love him dearly..but I just don't even feel like he values me as much as them..which seems like a much deeper rooted problem. His SD18 on our cruise got a $95 TRIM and the hairdresser used the flat iron on her hair. She looked pretty. I watched the hairdresser and man she did a great job with that flat iron (her hair is wavy but mostly straight) But my BF just kept going on and on and on about how beautiful she looked and how much he loved her hair and finally at dinner when he started to gawk at her even more I just piped up and said "BF, you've said this like 10 times already.." He did this at his sisters wedding too..his SD and I were both bridesmaids and when we got to the church all he could do was be in awe of SD's beauty..he just kept going on and on..even when the pictures came back from the photographer and we went to look at them on the computer..he again just couldn't get over her beauty. Me on the other hand..he never said a damn word.

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 2:52pm

Thanks, Cheri! I'm getting nervous to have our chat tonight. He hopes we can fix this problem too because "it wouldn't be fair to me or him if we can't" - which honestly i don't know what he means by that but it sounded good. I feel positive that we can work on this.. I'm afraid I have so much built up that it's all going to come out tonight...not just my birthday, but the thing about his SD's hair and the wedding, not being able to spend 1 hour with me on the adult deck because he wanted to sit with his son in our room and watch TV; always up and leaving me on our alone nights to go to kid activities (like meetings that BM goes to)..the baseball practices (games I can understand but even so..how many games are there?? he wouldn't even miss 1 last year), now the boy scout trips and everything else his son is involved in. I am anticipating him always up and leaving me. And maybe I'm amplifying this in my mind because I am upset - but...i just need to know When do i matter?

checkedoutsm's picture

Submitted by checkedoutsm on Tue, 03/05/2013 - 4:35pm

I think sometimes a divorced man has a damaged way of viewing relationships. They look at their new wives and think "this person can hurt me, use me, leave me, take my money or my child away from me. Marriage isn't always forever, but being a parent is." So then they give all their love and affection to their child, because they need that lasting connection and permanence, they need to give their love to somebody. But since a child can't fulfill their parents needs they get remarried. So the new wife fulfills her husband's needs, but he holds back and doesn't meet hers. He entertains the child, spends time with the the child, makes major decisions with the child, everything he owns belongs to the child, etc. He reprimands his new wife, excludes her from decisions, takes his kids on more dates than her, etc. just a passing thought today