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SD wont communicate with my wife and lies, decieves and claims to forget simple tasks day to day. I no longer tolerate her B.S.

FWB2husband's picture

Submitted by FWB2husband on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 10:08pm

Looking to find positive opinions.
step daughter 12y/o, i realize she's 12 but she just sat there & lied to us yet again. My wife & I share a 6y/o son who we try very hard to shield him from her drama and everytime we have to talk with SD12 my son manages to try & shield her. SD12 doesnt deserve her brothers attention but they are siblings. SD12 was chatter box in elemetary now shes a recluse and wont turn in homework.

SD12 BioFather(BF) is MIA in her life! Despite our pleas to help him see her. He's HIV+ & may be ashamed to face her per my therapist. I have VA benefits so I go vent + have AD drama to get over.

Me; stern, brutally honest, can be demanding but i take time to explain things and tell SD12 to ask questions & followup days later so SD12 isnt too tramatized about what I explain.

I met wife(then24y/o)&SD12 when she was 4y/o, they where living with Mother-in-law(MIL) who allowed wife to party at will. Wife&I had FWB relationship until one nite I went to calm her down from arguing with MIL &slipped up went raw after claims wife was on the pill(yeah stupid me!) MIL used to tell SD12 her mother didnt love her. After birth of my son SD12 was left with MIL for 6mths &Sd12 has been a terror ever since.

I have 21y/o son who doesnt want to deal with this drama(wife+SD12)& hates who I've become. He never lived with us and tolerated this until his mom drove him out of her house so he joined the Air Force to escape and follow my path with asperations to superceed my 20yr AF retirement. he tried numerous X's to reach SD12 & has given up.

My questions;
Am I expecting too much from SD12?
Should I back off or stay my course of open,honest,tough love?
Is SD12 issues from MIL &/or BF?
Will sd12 ever reach out to my wife?

Comments

silentnites's picture

Submitted by silentnites on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 10:43pm

It sounds like you are the only stable male in her life. It also sounds like you may be the only stable male in your wife's life. You have been in her life for eight years, so it's not like a new relationship for the both of you.

Her change of behavior is definitely something to address. Is there a social worker at school? When you stated MIL told SD that her mother did not love her, did you mean your wife's mother??? If so, that is disturbing in itself. I am a mother and a step mother, and under no circumstance would I say that to one of my kids...Not acceptable. So, there is a huge problem there. Sounds like MIL likes the drama, and while she is not responsible solely for her actions, a definite contributor there. What kind of lies is she telling? Girls do lie more then boys (in my experience, cannot speak for everyone). If you are truly the stable parent in her life, you cannot back off. Perhaps find a different approach, but she may need you.

Does she enjoy sports? after school activities? Is there a Boys and Girls Club in your area?

What do you mean reach out to your wife? Does she feel MIL raised her?

Not to be rude, but your 21 yr old son, does he like your wife? Are there issues between the two of them already? Or, is he being open and honest for your sake, and not his own disliking of your wife? Just asking. If he does not like your wife, that may be an issue for his speaking to you.