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To Thoose of you who cannot stand Skid Visits.....

Wishitwasdifferent's picture

Hi there

I have a SD6 that I cannot stand, my SO has her a few hours after school in the week two days a week but thats not so bad as I make sure I am out of the house until she leaves, so I don't see her. However we have to have her EOW and I HATE those weekends.

To those of you in a similar situation, how do you cope or are SKID weekends like mine and just cause rows and tension between you and your partner?

Please share...

Comments

StepDoormat's picture

I often try to schedule really hard-to-miss obligations on skid weekends. Oftentimes, my DH then tries to switch weekends - but can't switch his work schedule so we "miss out" on skid weekends. Oh well.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

I like my SKs and we tend to do fun stuff around the city when they are with us.

However, there are times when I just don't feel like being around them. During those times, I just do my own thing.

Kes's picture

To go back to your original question, Wishitwasdifferent, the way I used to cope was voluntary work. I would get out as much as poss on SKID weekends. Or go to visit friends. However, now my SDs are 18 and 16 and my DH is still up their butts, I have started to back off LESS, to leave the field free for them.

I feel that at this age they should be amusing themselves with friends, and not planning their entire social life around their father. And I have tolerated this for 10 years - I feel that is enough, already. The trouble is he is a Disney Dad who gives them outings to London, to the theatre, to concerts etc - who wouldn't be sticking to him like glue?

fedup13's picture

I have a lot of really extreme issues that I am not going to go into detail about, just really really bad stuff that has happened due to BM and skid. Because of that, and because of the toxic tension that was reigning over my marriage, I finally had to cut myself out completely. I am no longer available to be anything to skid. If DH is working, skid goes to MIL's. When Dh is not working and skid is here, I stay in my room as much as possible, go outside and do yard work, read (in my room, or out on my deck if it is nice), I just disengage and make myself as invisible as possible. Has it helped my marriage? Yes and No. It has shielded me from the nonstop abuses hurled at me by SS, and from DH's totally naiveté to it, which is good, but at the same time, it has caused other resentments as well. DH used to complain to me all the time about how I couldn't stand his son, don't tell his son what to do, etc., but now, now that I have removed myself from their craziness, I the bad guy still because no I am being a snobby bitch and causing him to miss out on time with skid. Before I put my foot down, skid would be here with me until DH got off of work at night, then already here of a morning the next day. Now, DH has to get up and go get him from MIL's and bring him back here every morn until DH goes back to work in the afternoon. DH works 2nd shift. In DH's mind, if skid was here all eve with me then he wouldn't have to go get him of a morning. What he doesn't get is, if he forced that on me, it wouldn't be an issue at all because I wouldn't be here to keep skid at all because I would leave. What DH doesn't get is in my mind and heart skid does not come first. He is not my child, and I would not care one bit if I never laid eyes on him again. What is MY first priority is my marriage, and I am doing what I have to do to keep it and myself together.

Kes's picture

fedup13 - I just wanted to say that my situation was identical to yours when the SDs were younger. I would not allow my DH to leave them alone with me for 5 minutes - because the NPD BM had made false allegations of abuse up, against him, and I felt there was a danger she might do the same to me. So if he wasn't here, we didn't get the SKIDs.

Also I would disappear to my bedroom, out into the garden, do voluntary work etc - anything to get me out of their vicinity. It has been somewhat better in the last few years because they have their own rooms, one of which has a TV and computer, so they tend to spend a lot of their time here, in there. Also, I have "taken possession" of my shared rooms in the house again - I don't hide myself away any more.

I also wanted to address a point Katinka brought up - that DH must make himself completely available to the SKIDs on their weekends. Yes, up to a point, and to the extent that he may NOT go out enjoying himself and leave SM to babysit. However, I feel my DH has always taken this to extremes, and hardly allows the SDs a moment to themselves. In my view this is wrong, in most intact households with the bio mum and dad - kids have to spend a lot of time amusing themselves - and I think one of the reasons that SKIDs are so entitled is that they aren't required to do this.

fedup13's picture

Kes, BM has put us through the worst Hell imaginable and I am in total self protect mode. I will not give her another opportunity to try and ruin my life. Skid is just a smaller version of her. He looks and acts just like her, and vice versa. On a good day, she is a five year old. I hope I can hang with it so that when he gets older either DH finally sees it or at least I can have some normalcy back, like being able to sit in my living room without it being the nonstop skid show. DH is like you said, he does not even attempt to make skid self sooth or entertain himself at all. DH gets not one solitary second. He is followed and hounded incessantly the entire time skid is here. I blame DH for this because he allows it. Skid is very entitled and I blame DH for this as well.