I'm afraid I agree with just-a-mom. it sounds like you are two very different personalities, and for this to work you need to accept each other for who you are. I think many men are just not into emotional stuff and would prefer to talk about cars, work, sport etc as it's just the way they're made. It doesn't mean they don't care, they just don't get emotional stuff and feelings like us women do and they don't know how to respond. I also think that when we need emotional support and confide in our men about our feelings, they don't see that we just need a listening ear and someone to talk to and think of it in terms of finding solutions and fixing things, which isn't what we're asking them to do and as we know, simply finding ways of fixing things is not always that easy.
I know with my dh, he is a real gentleman and very caring but isn't romantic in the traditional sense, and it used to frustrate me no end when we got together. I've come to realise that he shows me his love every day in his own way, the lots of little things he does that don't seem romantic but are his way of caring for me, simple things like bringing me a cup of tea when I get in from work, bringing me breakfast in bed on a weekend, making sure I never wash dishes if I've cooked dinner, complimenting me on my appearance even if I'm wearing my same old everyday work clothes. They're all his little ways of showing he cares and that he appreciates me and that's enough for me. We truly are best friends and love each other's company, but we're often quite happy just to sit together quietly watching TV or reading, which to me shows how relaxed and content we are to be together without having to do/say much to each other.
It sounds like your guy does care for you and is showing it in different ways like wanting to help you out financially, being interested in what you're doing, encouraging you to spend time with your friends and family and being happy for you when you have fun without him. It sounds to me like you're concentrating more on the negative things and less on the positive, and maybe reading too much into things. It sounds like he has a demanding job and that his life can be quite busy, so it's quite possible when he says that he has to rush for work that it's just the way his job is and that he is focusing fully on his work and what needs to be done. My job can be a bit like that sometimes if I'm involved with something which needs all my attention and concentration. It sounds like you're also comparing him to your ex a bit too much, and I wonder if you're really over your ex as it sounds like you still miss him and are wishing that your current guy was more like him.
I don't know if this relationship can work for you as you have such different personalities. Don't try to turn him into something he isn't as this will not work and is not fair on him. You need to be able to accept each other for who you are, and although there may be room for compromise on some of the smaller issues, trying to change everything about someone will never work. Try to stop comparing him to your ex as that will not help. If you found out he was comparing you to his ex you probably wouldn't like it. If you're still hung up on your ex, it might be better to let your boyfriend go as you won't be able to commit fully to him while you still have feelings for someone else and that's not fair on him.
It sounds to me like, maybe, while you enjoy each other's company, you aren't all that compatable and the relationship has run it's course. If you're getting all nitpicky about little things now and wanting to change things that are really parts of who he is as a person you would probably both be happier with different people. It's not the worst thing in the world. It just happens sometimes.
I also agree with the above posters. If you really want to work on this, I think you need to work on yourself first. All the things you listed... unfortunately, sound tangible, things, places he'll take you to, what activities he will or will not do with you. If you are someone who needs to be clung onto, find a person like that.
Otherwise, he sounds like a normal, run of the mill, good guy--in fact, he sounds more grown up and more of a catch than a lot of the guys I have met. You want the childhood type passion--he is grown up and wants a mature relationship. You shouldn't expect that he'd text you multiple times a day--I get that you want to know you're in his thoughts, but, seriously, you'd rather someone spend his work hours talking or texting you instead of having a great work ethic and focus on bringing home the bacon? You know that is a sign that he will be successful, if he isn' already.
My dad sounds like him. My mom got a great catch because she was okay with not constantly being the center of his world, but to ingrain herself so that she was an integral and in disposable part. Multiple houses, better than comfortable retirement. She was older and wasn't looking for the romance we young'uns enjoy, he was work focused and took her out occasionally, but also told her to find herself and have fun with her friends and stuff. They went out once or twice a week throughout their entire dating life--a year and a half. They're still together two kids, 25 years later.
Most importantly, they weren't co-dependent.
We're so used to the idea of a codependent relationship where we want to be stuck together twenty four seven, that we forget that aside from that passionate romance, there are other things that are important. He sounds like he has a great moral code, work code, relationship code, the only thing that might be missing a little is the romance--but that's where a compromise can come in. One day a week he does what you'd like, and the rest of the week he does what he feels he needs to do.
This is just my opinion, of course, but out of all my mom's friends, she got the luckiest in a husband.
just a mum has it spot on!! You are comparing hm way too much to your ex also and probably lookingback with rose tinted glasses, thats not fair on either of you. read 'men are from mars, women are from venus' trust me you will understand a man ALOT better and it will answer alot of questions as to why they are how they are- its a god send!
Comments
I'm afraid I agree with
I'm afraid I agree with just-a-mom. it sounds like you are two very different personalities, and for this to work you need to accept each other for who you are. I think many men are just not into emotional stuff and would prefer to talk about cars, work, sport etc as it's just the way they're made. It doesn't mean they don't care, they just don't get emotional stuff and feelings like us women do and they don't know how to respond. I also think that when we need emotional support and confide in our men about our feelings, they don't see that we just need a listening ear and someone to talk to and think of it in terms of finding solutions and fixing things, which isn't what we're asking them to do and as we know, simply finding ways of fixing things is not always that easy.
I know with my dh, he is a real gentleman and very caring but isn't romantic in the traditional sense, and it used to frustrate me no end when we got together. I've come to realise that he shows me his love every day in his own way, the lots of little things he does that don't seem romantic but are his way of caring for me, simple things like bringing me a cup of tea when I get in from work, bringing me breakfast in bed on a weekend, making sure I never wash dishes if I've cooked dinner, complimenting me on my appearance even if I'm wearing my same old everyday work clothes. They're all his little ways of showing he cares and that he appreciates me and that's enough for me. We truly are best friends and love each other's company, but we're often quite happy just to sit together quietly watching TV or reading, which to me shows how relaxed and content we are to be together without having to do/say much to each other.
It sounds like your guy does care for you and is showing it in different ways like wanting to help you out financially, being interested in what you're doing, encouraging you to spend time with your friends and family and being happy for you when you have fun without him. It sounds to me like you're concentrating more on the negative things and less on the positive, and maybe reading too much into things. It sounds like he has a demanding job and that his life can be quite busy, so it's quite possible when he says that he has to rush for work that it's just the way his job is and that he is focusing fully on his work and what needs to be done. My job can be a bit like that sometimes if I'm involved with something which needs all my attention and concentration. It sounds like you're also comparing him to your ex a bit too much, and I wonder if you're really over your ex as it sounds like you still miss him and are wishing that your current guy was more like him.
I don't know if this relationship can work for you as you have such different personalities. Don't try to turn him into something he isn't as this will not work and is not fair on him. You need to be able to accept each other for who you are, and although there may be room for compromise on some of the smaller issues, trying to change everything about someone will never work. Try to stop comparing him to your ex as that will not help. If you found out he was comparing you to his ex you probably wouldn't like it. If you're still hung up on your ex, it might be better to let your boyfriend go as you won't be able to commit fully to him while you still have feelings for someone else and that's not fair on him.
It sounds to me like, maybe,
It sounds to me like, maybe, while you enjoy each other's company, you aren't all that compatable and the relationship has run it's course. If you're getting all nitpicky about little things now and wanting to change things that are really parts of who he is as a person you would probably both be happier with different people. It's not the worst thing in the world. It just happens sometimes.
I also agree with the above
I also agree with the above posters. If you really want to work on this, I think you need to work on yourself first. All the things you listed... unfortunately, sound tangible, things, places he'll take you to, what activities he will or will not do with you. If you are someone who needs to be clung onto, find a person like that.
Otherwise, he sounds like a normal, run of the mill, good guy--in fact, he sounds more grown up and more of a catch than a lot of the guys I have met. You want the childhood type passion--he is grown up and wants a mature relationship. You shouldn't expect that he'd text you multiple times a day--I get that you want to know you're in his thoughts, but, seriously, you'd rather someone spend his work hours talking or texting you instead of having a great work ethic and focus on bringing home the bacon? You know that is a sign that he will be successful, if he isn' already.
My dad sounds like him. My mom got a great catch because she was okay with not constantly being the center of his world, but to ingrain herself so that she was an integral and in disposable part. Multiple houses, better than comfortable retirement. She was older and wasn't looking for the romance we young'uns enjoy, he was work focused and took her out occasionally, but also told her to find herself and have fun with her friends and stuff. They went out once or twice a week throughout their entire dating life--a year and a half. They're still together two kids, 25 years later.
Most importantly, they weren't co-dependent.
We're so used to the idea of a codependent relationship where we want to be stuck together twenty four seven, that we forget that aside from that passionate romance, there are other things that are important. He sounds like he has a great moral code, work code, relationship code, the only thing that might be missing a little is the romance--but that's where a compromise can come in. One day a week he does what you'd like, and the rest of the week he does what he feels he needs to do.
This is just my opinion, of course, but out of all my mom's friends, she got the luckiest in a husband.
just a mum has it spot on!!
just a mum has it spot on!! You are comparing hm way too much to your ex also and probably lookingback with rose tinted glasses, thats not fair on either of you. read 'men are from mars, women are from venus' trust me you will understand a man ALOT better and it will answer alot of questions as to why they are how they are- its a god send!