How to Handle Very Inappropriate public behavior.

Hello,

First blog ever. Thought this might help me through step parenting a second time. Want to be a friend of sorts...they have a Mom. I am, and have always been a tough love parent. My three have turned out to be good, happy adults, despite my lacks. I want to jump in on parenting my new steps, but am holding back. As I write this, I definitely see the need for a conversation with hubby to be. The situation that prompted this joining is as follows:

A few days ago, we dropped the 17 yr. old and a friend at the mall. When we went back to pick them up, we asked them if there was a restroom inside the door, as we both needed one. They started to laugh, and said that they could not find one, so stepdaughter urinated on the dressing room floor. They were cracking up about this! I was appalled. I said, "You did not do this!!" She instantly shut down. I tell you, I was angry and wanted to give her quite a talking to. I asked Dad if she really did this. He said he did not know for sure, but he would not be surprised. He said it is something her mother would do...Looking at these people you would never guess they would do something like this. I am thinking this is an inkling of what is to come.

Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks,

Sage

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I totally get you. My SS20

I totally get you. My SS20 bought something at the store with the sole idea of using it for what he needed it for and then returning it to get his money back so he didn't have to actually pay for it (charged it on credit card so it would be credited back before bill hit). I don't like this but DH said nothing.

So, its sounds like DH has

So, its sounds like DH has shrugged it off as something her mother would do, therefore he has blessed it and allowed the behavior.

What can you gain by doing anything about it? That is the standard question I ask myself before choosing to engage. I find the answer usually means I stay disengaged. What is doing anything going to accomplish.

1. Your DH chose to do nothing and figures its no big deal. The daughter is 'just like her mother' and that is fine by him.
2. Your SD 'shut down', she is not a child, she knows right from wrong and has now in her mind 'note to self, don't tell FSM anything'.
3. You enforce some punishment and\or force FDH to punish for this and you are the bad guy level II for FSD.

Other than this behavior is completely unacceptable for you (and me too btw) why do you want to even bother?

Thanks....that is what I have

Thanks....that is what I have chosen to do...disengage...but, this also allows resentment for inappropriate actions to build up inside of me. Guess maybe it is a control issue I have...Controlling Parent. I keep thinking "one more year and this 18yr. old's behavior is going to get a slap in the face from the world. Guess none of us can learn things the easy way, can we?

I go through phases where

I go through phases where being disengaged still builds some resentment. But, its her who will be slapped in the face by life. She is going to earn it.

I think the hardest part of disengagement for me personally is giving up control in my home.

I used to hate being out in public with SS6, his behavior felt like a reflection on me therefore I was upset, ashamed, embarrassed to be considered 'with' him. I got taught a lesson early on, this guy comes up to me in the playground with a big smile and says, is that one yours (pointing at SS5) I paused, my first reaction was to say, his father is there and point. But instead I felt guilty so I said, yes.

The guys face changed and he says, well he is over there hucking rocks at other kids - control your kid. I was mortified.

Lesson Learned: His father is over there (and point)

No Control = No Responsibility

I did and do not want to jump

I did and do not want to jump in with discipline. I was taken aback by the difference in our children. Shocked to say the least. Wanted to do something, but it was not my place. Dad is fearful of making ex angry for fear that she will make things worse for him, turn his kids against him; he does not want to make his kids mad and turn them against him. Situation stinks!!

Now... you could be evil,

Now... you could be evil, bring it up constantly...

Like when her friends are over, Hey did FSD tell you what she did at the mall? You know FSD, in the dressing room. You should put that on FB. Maybe I will put it on my FB - that is SOOOO KEWL don't ya know. Maybe embarass her to DEATH would have better effect at her age.

Boy FSD, your grandma isn't going to believe this!!! I am sure she will think its HILARIOUS tell her!!

Make a lost and found style

Make a lost and found style flyer and distribute them to clothing stores. It should have a pic of SD and say "this girl urinates in dressing rooms, don't let her in"

OMG!! A sense of Humor

OMG!! A sense of Humor really goes a long way!! At least I have gotten some great laughs from these responses! Own what is mine, let go of what is not...and laugh!! Thanks other SP's!! lol....................

Also THIS ^^^^^ Genius! -

Also THIS ^^^^^ Genius! - Simple yet effective

Drop them off at the mall,

Drop them off at the mall, produce some adult daipers and say to her that after she urinated in the mall last time, you thought that she aught to carry some incase she cannot control herself again and that you hope her friends will look out for her and understand her unrinary control issues.
...also tell her that you have asked her father to make an appointment at the drs incase she has some sort of infection like and STI which makes her loose control!!!
...Then pee in her room... actually, you'll have to clean that, pee in her suitcase or whatever she brings with her so that when she gets home to BM she'll have a nice surprise

Any time you feel sorry for your SD, just remember this incident!!!!!!! UGH!