I finished reading "Stepmonster" today. The book validated much of what I have been feeling for quite sometime. It was nice to hear I wasn't a nasty, little piece of work for my feelings, but rather normal. But as valid as it may make me feel it really doesn't offer me any clear solutions. I know that dh and I must make our marriage a priority in order to succeed but I'm not sure I want to succeed anymore. It's an uphill battle everyday. I've sort of, for lack of a better way of saying it, lost my will to try. My POC SS has drained the life out of me. And I have tried with him. And it does sometimes seem like things are getting better. He's been politer and more flexible. I won a few minor battles with dh lately. The bunkbeds are still at a stalemate but I managed to rid the bedroom of the ginormous armoire that was taking up way too much space there. But I always, and will always, feel like a house divided. I clearly know where I stand with dh regarding the ex-factor. *see previous posts* The book didn't address psycho bms much. DH will continue to cower at the mention of BM. He will give in. He will keep up this unusual work arrangement and the sordid, sick, twisted "emotional" affair they have. I will never feel first. I will never be accepted by his family. So I ask you, why try? You can love somebody with all you have but I'm not entirely sure that is enough sometimes. I despise being the one who always has to "try"! Why can't he try? Why won't he read the book? Why won't he attempt to see my point of view? Sadly, I married a selfish, self-centered asshole the first time and perhaps I am destined to repeat this pattern.

I'm not sure what I'm driving at here but I am disengaging. From dh, bm, and ss. I have to for my sanity. I need to be at my optimum levels to be able to take care of My children. And quite frankly, I miss me. Where the hell did I go? I used to be so much more assertive than this. I would never let anyone walk on me. Along the way I lost myself. . . I just hope I can find me before it's too late.