WORST DAY EVER
We got up very early, but BF was all happy. He expected a warm, happy holiday with his family. I suppose that's how he remembers christmas from before,and thinks of it that way.
But this? it was everything BUT warm and happy.
So I'll skip the little details and tell you the short story..
we got there, greeted everyone,blahblah..
BF gave SDs each their money, they at first refused saying its too much, then wanted to take only half of it, then they accepted because he insisted.. They gave us gifts, too. For him, it was a book, a picture frame from an expensive handmade store -which they COULD get for a much cheaper price...but then everyone made a comment how much they must love their dad if they gave up so much money for him, which was probably what they were going for- (no pic in it..they told him to "make a choice , father"... NO IT'S NOT OBVIOUS,SDS, NOT AT ALL!), and a ticket for a game.. (they got one for BF's brother so that they can go together..again..EXPENSIVE) And it's actually not common that children buy adults gifts, NONE! so this is.. a shock. in a good way for the family since now they're praising SDs as SAINTS.
They got me a scarf, a decoration,and a perfume. Yep..I'd be grateful, but this is for a reason,not generosity..it is all beautiful, but..they got it for a REASON..
So they went on with their cold behaviour all morning, ICE cold..blah blah..and for the toast, BF's brother toasted to the family,thanking that they're all gathered together,etc. and SD17 said "and let's hope everyone comes to their right mind", SD14 "and very soon. CHEERS" and they giggled.
should i add, that BM cooked a meal..BF wasn't in the room at the moment.. and one of the cousins said "this is amazing, BF was crazy to split from this woman" and they all laughed..i was there :sick:
oh and also..we got all lovey dovey kissy etc... SDs stared at us , blank stares, nothing..no sighs, no "ew" , no eye rolling..blank stare.
So later, SDs were all cold and they wouldn't participate in anything with BF..So he went and talked to them..it was very long, in the other room..and all he said is that they said something like " we want a relationship with you,but we don't want her in our lives. you're our father,and if she's in your life, she'll be in ours if we're in yours. so if you choose to stay with her, that is okay, we are not angry,but we will not be close to you. our relationship will be like this - polite, and kind to an extent, but nothing more. we made this decision. she changed you, we don't know who you are anymore. if you want her that is perfectly fine, but then you can't have a relationship with us like we used to have before. that's okay, people change , life goes on. we just hope you know what you're leaving behind if you do go on this way. we're your children. but if this continues...for how long can we think of you as our father? we don't want this..it's your choice, father. if you leave her, our relationship will be like before. we'll forgive you, and forget completely. let us know.......DAD."
and all that..with no facial expression, just a blank stare... i can't even imagine how that felt for him!!!
ok ofc not in this order and probably not the exact same wording,but i wrote what he told me that they said..there was probably something more!
he's totally fu*ked up, he's in the living room i think he's actually crying.. he won't talk to me or anyone else..he's just sitting there with a blank stare.
i don't know what to do, or how to feel..and i'm afraid we'll break up, i mean we obviously will.. 
i'm just..i don't know!!
this is..ugh.
fml
- vikki0's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Manipulative little bitches!
Manipulative little bitches! Omg! I hate that for you and him. They need to get over this shit. So does he get to tell that to them when they find some scumbag and get pregnant? I'm sure the family will think that's ok too.
What a mess.
This ^^^^^^^ I am sure you
This ^^^^^^^
I am sure you must have been shocked that this was said however given the reception from OH's family which smacks of relational aggression and passive aggression (having BM there, making small overt spiteful comments, silence, cold politeness) I would NEVER attend another family event.
They have made it clear they do not even intend giving you the opportunity to get to know OH's family, you will always be the interloper. These people have no etiquette or manners and have demonstrated their rudeness towards you. You gave them a chance, they blew it on a major scale.
I am not sure why OH was sooo shocked when his DD's reiterated their ultimatum although possibly it has hit OH just how deep their rejection of you has gone given that his entire family are involved and are encouraging this attitude.
I think it sad that he is putting you through this and if I were you I would be quickly excusing myself and leaving. OH can stay or go with you, his choice however I wouldnt sit there and put up with that!
That is horrible! I think I
That is horrible! I think I would let him consider things for a while, he needs to arrive at his own decision. Let him know you support him and feel for him, he is much more emotionially invested in SKids than you are so do not let the actions of SKids get to you, please. Often families 'go with the flow' to keep peace with troublemakers, I think you will find that they will have a 'change of heart' once OH makes the decision to stay with you...seriously! No pressure from you, no moods or manipulative comments from you and he'll come around in no time flat. You need to decide if he's worth the effort too!
When SD was 11 and I ask her
When SD was 11 and I ask her Dad (DH) to removed from my house for violence towards the other children.
Shortly there after she had dinner with him and this was her exact conversation with DH, he told her then he wasnt leaving. I was his future, she would have her own future to make decisions with but that she wasnt dictating his.
He also explained that down the road he may not be happy with her choices for a spouse but that would be her decision to live with not his. As I am his decision to live with not hers.
Fast forward 6 years and were still at the same cross road. In 18 months (which is when I have made it clear to him that she will need to find a new place to live) they will have the same coversation.
She has not figured out Daddy is not leaving me...likely because she cant understand the concept of an adult relationship.
Your DH will get his bearings, give him a minute.
What is he suppose to do? Be alone forever to suit them?
Seriously, the level of
Seriously, the level of manipulation is scary. The very best answer your dh could have had was "I'm sorry you feel that way. You can pretend this is my decision, but we all know the truth is that you're both trying to push your feelings and your decisions on to me. I am not angry either, but I am not giving up my wife. Now, let's get back to the family.".
They know they're hurting him. They're counting on it. And they're counting on it working to their advantage. And guess what? They've shown him who they are. If he chose them, they'd find something else to hold over his head. That is what manipulators do.
Good point. She needs to
Good point.
She needs to decide if she is ok with being odd man out in his life. And he needs to decide if he is man enough to choose his happiness over a bunch of people who are forcing it. Personally, I'd have an issue choosing the people who don't love me enough to not make me choose.
Dh and I had our first date 1
Dh and I had our first date 1 week after he left BM. We moved in together three months later, were engaged 7 months later. Time isn't indicative of being serious. Her dh's reactions to his family and his kids are very indicative. I agree with you, she needs to make a decision based on his reactions to his family and kids. If he is going to let them bully and let their feelings affect his decisions, she needs to move on. Without a united front, you're doomed.
DH's family can't stand me,
DH's family can't stand me, they can't stand BM either. Or so I thought? A lot of drama. Do you interact with his family at all? Apparently that's where I went wrong, I was too shy and came off "snobby". I sure as hell will not kiss the asses of people who repeatedly destroyed every relationship DH had before me. But just a suggestion? Maybe invite his girls to lunch, same with MIL. Maybe they need to get to know you?
What rude, ungracious people.
What rude, ungracious people. A good host makes everyone feel welcome in their home. I'd have left. And I wouldn't go back. I'd have my own celebrations on my home turf from now on (BM is not ever invited, she needs to go get her own life). That way, if they misbehave, they would kindly be invited to leave.
I'm sorry, but this is what you can expect if you continue this relationship with BF. His kids, his ex-wife (don't ever think she's not involved) and his female relatives don't want him to move on with his life and have a relationship with another woman. It wouldn't matter who she was, they'd be pulling this crap on any woman he's with, not just you-even if they are trying to make it personal by disparaging your education, etc. You don't need a college education to make somebody happy and to have successful relationships. And it sounds like you have nicer manners than all of them, so I don't know why they think they are special. They behave like gutter trash.
I don't believe for a minute that BM isn't involved tits-deep in this drama. I'm betting she's a very good actress from the passive agressive school of bitchery. I'll bet it is her and the other women in his family driving this and using the kids as pawns. I don't think I'd be confiding anything to any of them ever again. Or trying to work anything out with them. They've made it pretty clear what their agenda is. You need to make it clear that you won't tolerate their bad behavior by avoiding them.
Do you really want to waste your time with someone who won't stand up for himself or you? BF needs to tell his kids that this is their decision, not his and that he'll miss them. And let there be silence on his end. Let them come to him. They owe you both an apology. He's not doing them any favors by allowing them to think they can meddle in other people's lives. Most men don't do this, they panic and chase the kids, who love this response because they can kick old Dad in the face on a regular basis. BF's the adult, he makes the rules. If he allows these nasty little vipers to call the shots, he may as well give up the idea that his life will ever be normal. And you may as well bail out and find a man who will put you first. What woman will want a "man" who dances to a selfish child's tune?
Detach, disengage, remove yourself from their presence. No need for a big drama over this. Be stealthy, just avoid them from now on. Don't get drawn into their drama or allow yourself to be mistreated. No cards/gifts/favors/contact from you. It's your turn to be cold. You tried to get along with them and they crapped on you. Make it clear they are BF's baggage, he needs to deal with them or not, but you don't deserve to be treated so shabbily by his family. This is all about him and what he allows his family to do. The kids are symptoms of the problem he's allowing. If they act out, he needs to school them or detach from them himself. Let him know you feel it is best if you don't have any contact with them until he gets them sorted out.
If you marry him, they will probably really go off the deep end, but he can't allow them to dictate his life. Unless you want more of the same, avoid all of them. When his family doesn't get to see him anymore, they will have themselves to thank for it. In the meantime, you must know they will use any contact to hurt you and respond accordingly by avoiding them.
KK is right. It is not you.
KK is right. It is not you. It would be ANY woman he was with. He is going to end up alone in his old age if he continues to allow that level of disrespect from his own children.