I'm re-posting this from another forum I'm on and could really use advice...

This is my first post here, please bear with me. This Christmas vacation was yet another heartbreak and yet another eyeopener. I've been with my husband for 6 years and we have had custody of his youngest son for the whole time (he is now 9). He has 2 sons and both his son's have Aspergers/high functioning autism. The oldest (15 now) is super attached to bio-mom and youngest to dad. During their divorce it was agreed to keep each child with the attached parent and visits would be split so the kids could be together. This would reduce the anxiety of the split. Autism has a lot of challenges and this was in the best interest of the kids.

This whole time bio-mom has not been taking care of oldest son and has since had 2 more kids with 2 more dads. The latest she married. Oldest son didn't change underwear but once a week, didn't brush his teeth (he admits it was usually once a week), had terrible dandruff all the time, rarely had his hair cut, never wore deodorant, etc. Really bad hygiene. He also was failing out of school. So, two years ago we went to court to get custody and won. Oldest came to live with us and excelled in school and hygiene but rebelled by stealing, lying and getting in trouble with the law. It was a really tough year... then we had a house fire on Mother's day and lost everything. At this point both kids were traumatized and oldest wanted to go back with mom. Having autism we felt that maybe he would emotionally heal better being in a place where he was more familiar and comfortable. We agreed to allow it as long as they kept up his grades and hygiene.

That was back in June when both kids were to go stay with bio-mom for the summer (forgot to mention she moved out of state with new husband at the beginning of the year). It seemed like this move and the new husband were helping her become more responsible. That was our mistake in believing that.

So, youngest comes home after the summer and is suddenly shitting his pants and when using the toilet not wiping. We start asking questions about what might have happened. Having autism it's really hard for him to communicate so we are having a hard time figuring this out. Thinking maybe it was the fire and the quick transition to his mom's he's stressed and it's a reaction. We work on getting it back on track. Some accidents here and there but 6 months later we are back on track.

Then Christmas comes. We have oldest for the first half and youngest goes with mom for the second half. During the oldest's visit we find out that the new husband is a raging alcoholic and often destroys property (he broke the front door, kicked down the parent's bedroom door, threw his cell phone and broke it, then grabbed her phone and broke it, screams at the kids, throws food, etc.). We have oldest brush his teeth and you would think somebody had been murdered due to so much blood. We find out he brushes his teeth about twice a week. He admits he's getting mostly Cs in school with a D and an A. His hair is a mess and full of dandruff. We are back to the way it was before.

At this point we are freaking out about youngest going with bio-mom for rest of vacation. They are staying in our state because they are visiting grandparents. We figure the grandparents will be responsible and help take care of the kids, so let him go. Boy, were we optimistic.

We meet to pick up youngest and, I shit you not, he has snot CAKED from nose to cheekbones that when removed left the skin raw (he had a little cold when we dropped him off but is now feverish), dried tomato sauce all over his his mouth chin and cheeks, and his teeth are caked with food. His "new" clothes are way too big and the arms are covered in snot. His shoes aren't tied and falling off as he's getting out of the car into the snow. And he reeks like shit.

We ask the youngest how many times he brushed his teeth over the 4 days, he didn't at all. When we get home his underwear has turds in it. Bio-mom said his dirty clothes were in a bag, his underwear in there is full of crap. He tells us he never got a bath or shower and that he forgot to use tissues. His pajamas had snot crusted all over the legs and arms. He tells us that he was allowed to stay up all night because it was a "holiday". When asked who stayed up with him, he said he was alone because everyone else had gone to bed. This constantly happens when he visits (she lied in the past saying he stayed up without her knowing... we find out from oldest that they just allow him to do it). When we asked what he ate he said he didn't have veggies or fruit the whole time but had plenty of pizza and candy. His lips were super chapped and bleeding and when asked if he drank water he said no they just drink soda. Nobody bothered to put anything on his lips to help him out. Oh, I asked him how often he showered during the summer and he said about 2 times a month. His autism shows up in dates/time and being hyper aware of time so I can be pretty sure this is accurate.

When the oldest was with us, I was getting on him about his teeth and saying it should be a habit after 15 years. He argued that babies and toddlers don't brush their teeth so 15 years isn't fair. He said his year old half-brother and 4 year old half-brother don't brush yet (and aren't brushed by parents) and have never been to the dentist. We also found out that the 4 year old is still in diapers and when he tries to use the bathroom, nobody helps him. So I'm wondering if the shit pants I'm seeing with my SS is what is happening with his half-brother and maybe that's why he thinks it's ok to do it. The part that amazes me is how bio-mom wouldn't notice when doing laundry.

So at this point we are going to get oldest back, just trying to decide if 6 months in this environment is too much damage vs being pulled out of school and moved yet again. Transitions can be very traumatic for autistic kids. We are going to pursue supervised visitation, not sure how to go about it other than we have documented the things that have happened (journal and pics). But now comes the hardest part. Do we contact CPS because of the other kids? They aren't my husband's but we are both super worried about their health, hygiene and the, I don't know how else to put this, "violence" that is going on around them. Bio-mom has a history with alcohol and had quit while pregnant and for awhile after, but we found out she's drinking again. She's gained a ton of weight which over the 12+ years my husband has known her she's never been this big even when pregnant. To be honest, I'm worried about her also. I'm not sure she's safe and the eating might be her way of dealing. I'm sure the drinking is. Oh, and she recently started anti-anxiety meds because she had a major panic attack recently where she had to go to the hospital. All this is telling me something is really wrong. My husband is right there with me on calling CPS but we both are not sure if we are overreacting or if it would do more damage than good. If any of you have been through something like this I would love your feedback.

Thank you for reading all this. It felt good to get this off my chest. Oh and Happy New Year!

Update: We just had another talk with the youngest about being honest and dangers. Found out that the husband has put his hands on bio-mom, not hitting but shoving in front of the kids. What can we do? Would CPS address this also?