I've been talking to BF about this situation
I've been talking to BF about this situation - and we're conflicted between solutions.
There have been suggestions to be kind to them, to spend their money, and to be affectionate in front of them to break the cold behaviour..And I'm very grateful for all the suggestions! I can't thank you all enough for helping me and supporting. Smiling
And we don't know what to do.
He says he absolutely will not let them, let alone ask them, to pay for our food or movies. (I'd do it. But whatever. )
He said he is willing to try being affectionate to see if they'll react anyhow.
And that we be kind back to them,but to try to make them react , and not be so cold.
What else could piss of the SDs? Not something that would be of real damage to them,or that would take any money from them , just to annoy them and get them to react?
OR
We should act as always?
OR
Be kind as fuck back at them?
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Yes, yes thank you! We
Yes, yes thank you!
We decided to try that... Do you have any other ideas how to get a reaction?
reverse the psychology.
reverse the psychology. Although I know their acting like a pain in the ass I personally would rally around this. Id be so over the top sickeningly drippy sweet they wouldnt know what to do
We'll try that too!
We'll try that too!:)
Just be the adults. Act like
Just be the adults. Act like yourselves. Don't change or be fake. They will tire of this. They are just waiting for an angry or emotional outburst by you or BF. DO NOT give it to them. See, they feel they are doing nothing wrong, they're doing "the only thing they can" (aka what BM tells them is the best revenge). The whole idea is to be "perfect", that way daddy and Vik have nothing to complain about. Then when there is a complaint, you guys are the impossible to please assholes.
It is maddening. But just keep being the people you've always been. Any departure from that will be used against you. Certainly don't bow down or beg. Don't get angry. This is a game of "who can hold out the longest". They won't be able to keep this up with no reaction. They obviously care about their dad, and probably what you think too, because they wouldn't go to all this effort if they didn't.
Please, it will come to an end soon, and you'll both feel better about how you handled this if you don't stoop to their level or give them the reaction that feeds this nonsense. Just pretend this is the way they always are, and carry on until they give up the charade. And NEVER talk to BM again!! About anything!! The less she knows the BETTER.
I think that most people (at
I think that most people (at least me, when I've said it) are referring to the "it never changes", "it's the same old shit", and "never gets better" in the context of there always seems to be SOME sort of drama from the skid/BM camp. The tactics change and morph depending on mood, inclination, the planetary alignment, whatever. As in, if it's not one thing it's another. I'm not suggesting that OP and her BF do NOTHING, I'm just saying that playing the game along with the skids has the potential to be detrimental. How are they supposed to fight the game playing by playing a different game? That will come back to bite them, because in teaching kids to behave properly, we have to model proper behavior. If we play these mindfuck games along side them, we lose credibility.
It's not fair by any stretch, that BM gets to encourage them to act like jerks and then the skids get away with it. And I definitely agree that counseling is in order, because PAS is clearly in full effect, and these girls have their father to lose. I absolutely believe that parents should try to do whatever is within their power and means to stop the fracture of their relationship with their kids. Especially if the estrangement is being created and pushed by a BM with an agenda.
OP's skids are going to realize in time that they don't have the power to break them up, simply by recognizing that they are still together. OP and her BF don't need to "prove" to the skids that their relationship is still going strong by increasing the amount of PDA they participate in. Being united and together tells them all they need to know. And one thing I have noted time and again through dealing with my SD17 is that she will never see DH and I as human beings with the same needs and desires as any other human being, because to her, we are expected to make no mistakes, act perfectly, make the right decision each and every time. Yet SD and BM expect that we afford them a different standard, and forgive all trespasses without mention or incident, no matter how vile or wrong.
That's the biggest reason why DH and I have decided to limit our interactions with them, continue no-contact, and just live our own lives with our two kids. We can't win with SD, no matter what we do. It doesn't matter what BM does either, because she's already committed some of the most heinous infractions against us AND SD, and SD still clings to her in a most foul and codependent way. We have NEVER been abusive to SD, we've spent countless nights awake worrying about her, we've sacrificed for her too many times to count. But she'll throw us under the bus, call us abusive, or stop all contact without a second thought if it might mean winning BM's favor, if only momentarily. If these girls have a BM like ours, and it sounds like they do, chances are good that at some point their BM will tell them that they don't need their father, and if he's not doing what BM and the skids think he should, the relationship is screwed at that point. But at least they can look back at the madness and know that they did what they could with integrity.
This is just how I feel. But then again, take my advice with a grain of salt, because my SD is no longer in contact with me, DH, or her two half-sisters. When the PAS stopped working and SD came to live with us, BM turned to emotional blackmail. Because we were here helping SD work through it, had her in counseling, and she was relatively healthy, it didn't work. BM just found a different angle...she became the one that took SD out shopping for the things we couldn't afford, and allowed her to get piercings and tattoos that we'd said no to. Do not be fooled; if this BM is clever enough to create this mind fuck, she'll be clever enough to figure out a new one when this stops working. They can either chose to fight fire with fire every time (and expect the stakes to increase), or just not participate in the theatrics and ridiculousness from the get go. The drama will only get old and lose it's excitement if there is no reaction. Doesn't mean that they totally ignore it, they just handle it from a healthy and controlled adult perspective.
From my own experience, the
From my own experience, the drama and competition with BM didn't stop until I stopped trying to be SUPER sweet to look better than her. SS used my efforts to his advantage, and I still lost.
I finally found peace when I treated him as I would any other person. I was kind to him and tried to treat him as I would like him to treat me. That included telling him NO and not allowing him to disrespect me.
Everything became much easier and peaceful when I finally learned how to just be true to myself and what I expect from myself.