Need advice quick!
I haven't posted for a while but I have a dilemma. I left the last person I was with and have basically moved on with someone else. The new person has three children, ages 2, 8, and 13. He has custody of the 8 and 13 yr old but is currently picking up his 2 year old who lives in another state, who will be staying with us at least for a month. He will be back tonight and said that the baby will sleep with us. I am okay with sleeping in the older kids rooms or with a friend but he wants me to stay and says that I won't mind. Here's the thing though; I am already pissed with the idea of being told that a 2 yr old is going to be sharing the bed we sleep in and I refuse. Am I overreacting? How should I handle this in the most peaceful way I can without being a bitch?
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Tell him flat out it is
Tell him flat out it is unhealthy and completely inappropriate for a 2 year old to sleep in a bed with a non related person and the BM could try and use it against you and him. Add that it's disgusting to think about having a child in the bed you have sex in as well as that will go right out the window with a child in the bed. Regardless he can't force you to sleep in the bed with the kid go sleep in the couch draw your boundries now and if he gets mad thats on him. Really a month of a kid in the bed I'd just move out.
>>>>the BM could try and use
>>>>the BM could try and use it against you and him
Excellent point. If the BM is anything like ours, she could pitch a fit over the kid not having a personal place to sleep as well as possibly over the inappropriateness of sharing a bed/room with you and your SO, sm27.
My SD is only with us sporadically, a week here and there, a month this past summer (hopefully two two-week visits this next summer rather than a month if I'm lucky). But, GUBM was a complete troll about whether we were going to get a place with a room just for SD. Like, pitched a total fit because SD reported back to her after she overheard (read: eavesdropped on) SO and I talking about 1-BR apartments as a back-up plan if we couldn't find a 2-BR that allowed dogs and cats.
I do not think that you are
I do not think that you are overreacting. It's the bed that you and your SO sleep in and you don't want the 2-year old sharing the bed with you two for an entire month. That's more than reasonable. It's the adult bedroom and the adult bed.
And who is he to say you won't mind? Given that statement, I'm not sure if there is a peaceful resolve for this. You could calmly tell him that you don't want to share your room with a 2-year old for a month and that you'll gladly help him figure out an alternative. But, if he's telling you now that you won't mind, will he react or will he listen and try to understand where you're coming from? And why can't the 2-year old share a room with the 8-year old, or, combine the 8-year old with the 13-year old for the month? I don't know what sexes your skids are, so, I can't say how well those options would really work.
What I can say is that my sister has her 8, 6, and 2 year old girls all sharing a room and it works for them. And this is due to her husband's 17stb18 year old son moving in and him needing a room of his own. So, it's a more long-term situation than just a month.
Not overreacting at all
Not overreacting at all
You went from a relationship
You went from a relationship with a man that had ONE 9-year-old EOWE that drove you nuts, to a man with THREE children, two of which he has FULL custody of? I know the single female to single male ratio in NYC is 5/1, but sheeshhhh. Best of luck to you.
And no, a two-year-old does not belong in bed with a non-related adult. I would be completely bent if I were that kid's BM. Even a crib in the same room would bother me. There's no amount of talking that could convince me that sex would not occur with my child in the room, especially in a new relationship. You've got your hands full with this one!!
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice. They are all boys and their room has three twin beds from when the last BM used to live here so there is space for him in that room. I already have issues with the 2 yr old coming because it is difficult enough dealing with the two older ones, but they are still relatively easy to handle. A 2 yr old on the other hand requires a lot more time and attention than the big ones and having to share my space is already annoying me. I feel bad that I'm not happy at all, especially when I see him so excited as he hasn't seen him since last year. My SO has no family in the U.S. so it's not like we are going to have help with the baby. The big kids go with their mom for the weekends but for the next month or so my weekends with SO are basically shot. Ugh...the life of a stepparent. Again.
Well, since they're all boys
Well, since they're all boys and there are three beds in the room, the 2-year old should sleep in there. There's no reason that the kid has to sleep in your bed, in your room when there's a perfectly decent bed in a room with other kids.
Clearly, trust me, I'm
Clearly, trust me, I'm thinking of all if those things now. I went from the frying pan to the fire skidswise!
I thought the same thing but
I thought the same thing but he is actually everything I would want in a man, unlike the last person I was with. We have great communication, we get along beautifully and this is one of the most serious things we have disagreed upon so far. I'm just wondering if I should stay up until he puts him in the other room because I have a feeling if I fall asleep now, he might try to sneak it on me. He mentioned putting him to sleep then transferring him to the boys' room but the mere fact that he suggested sharing a bed (and to put him inthe middle, to boot), raises a huge red flag to me.
"he is actually everything I
"he is actually everything I would want in a man, unlike the last person I was with. We have great communication, we get along beautifully and this is one of the most serious things we have disagreed upon so far."
Okay, in the beginning, everyone is on their best behavior, and most "get along beautifully" for at least the first few months. You couldn't have been with him longer than five months at this point, even if you started dating him the SECOND you and the other guy broke up. As someone who has already spent so long in a step-hell relationship, I am floored that your current BF was even on your radar as a possible partner. You seem like a glutton for punishment....especially since you know you "jumped from the frying pan into the fire". A toddler, (almost) tween, AND teen? Holy hell.
On top of that, being pushed to share your bed with a baby that's not yours IS a very serious disagreement. I have a two-year-old that I am desperately trying to keep out of our bed at night (she still wakes up most nights around 3 am and wants to be with us). I F*CKING HATE having MY OWN DD in our bed. She kicks the sh*t out of me ALL NIGHT LONG, and the sleep disturbance has made me a crazy person. The ONLY thing that helps me keep my head, and NOT lose it entirely, is the fact that this is MY baby, and I love her more than life. I have a certain patience with her that I could NEVER muster for someone else. If your BF puts that kid in your bed, even if it's just until he's "adjusted", or whatever, good damn luck getting that kid OUT of your bed. Sleep training usually takes a lot of time, effort, and sleepless nights to get in the first place, and it's worse when you have to correct bad habits.
What you want to do with your life is totally up to you, of course, but you CAN choose a much less complicated way to live. This set up is about as complicated as you can get, especially for a young woman with no children of her own. You obviously don't have any trouble meeting single men...although maybe you should stop looking for potential mates at the grade school playground!!
Clearly, my posts were from
Clearly, my posts were from July of 2010. I can't believe its been that long since I have posted here. I have a lot to update everyone on, but this man I am with I have known for a few years but we were never anything other than distant acquaintances up until the beginning of this year. I want to update you all but its going to take me a little while to cover 2 years so hopefully by the end of the weekend, I should have something up. He ended up sleeping with the baby in the boys' room though and this morning he said he didn't sleep well and would be coming back to the room after he put him down.
The funny thing is that he
The funny thing is that he does great with the big kids but I have a feeling I might meet disneyland dad with this two yr old.
Oh, gosh, is this your first
Oh, gosh, is this your first time meeting the 2-year old?
Yes it is. I hope he doesn't
Yes it is. I hope he doesn't expect me to vomit bubbles and fairy dust, because he is going to be disappointed. Been there, done that. As I mentioned, the big ones pretty much are as controlled as can be imagined considering what they have been through but this one might be a special circumstance altogether. This might be the wild card, the thing I may not be able to handle. Let's see how it goes. Pray for me.
Oof, I couldn't imagine. If I
Oof, I couldn't imagine. If I had to live with SD for a month when I first met her, I probably would have ran screaming for the hills then and there. SO is a true Disney Dad. Still has instances of it, no matter how much he insists he isn't (I think he doth protest too much haha).
I'll hold out hope for you that the month goes smoothly as possible. Definitely make time for yourself and go out and do for yourself as much as you can. He might expect you to play "mom" while SS2 is there, but, it's unreasonable to expect you to do that, and to expect you to spend an entire month with a kid you just met without any downtime to yourself. Sure, it might suck not getting alone time with your SO while SS2 is there, but, you can at least have sm27 time!
You're right. Me time, here I
You're right. Me time, here I come!
Yes! Make plenty of time for
Yes! Make plenty of time for you! Go do things you want to do to recharge yourself. Go out with friends, go to a spa, go get a mani/pedi, get your hair done, go get a tattoo, whatever floats your boat!
You left the person you were
You left the person you were with and are now with someone else? I will never understand how women go from one guy to another so quickly.
Stepdown, you are more
Stepdown, you are more correct than Herewego. Herewego, even if that were true, how would your response have helped me in any way, shape, or form? I don't appreciate asking for advice on how to handle a situation only to read some judgmental person's response about something I didn't share. It seems you have some other issues going on. Sorry for whatever you may be going through.
Seriously, RUN! This is
Seriously, RUN! This is going to get much worse. How many red flags do you need?
Exactly what others have
Exactly what others have already said. 1: BM could use it against you 2: That is where yall have sex (who wants their 2 year old sleeping in dried sex secretions?) 3: It will cut down on the amount of sex you are able to have, and it's uncomfortable.
I think this is totally inappropriate and unfair to all three of you. The child should be able to sleep by him/herself (which is it?). No reason why a comfy pallet or sofa can't be fixed for the child to sleep on.