I used to think I could sort all this out just talking with my fiancé, but I think I need some advice before we really proceed with getting married, the last thing I think any of us need is another divorce.
We met a year and a half ago, and we took our time getting to know each other and introducing our girls to each other. We consolidated household a few months ago, and until recently our stepfamily transition has been smooth. I adore this guy, and the way he handles his ex is unfailing even-minded and fair, and always puts his daughter’s feelings first. Since his ex- wife is nearly the complete opposite- petty, revengeful, constantly stirring drama and living in turmoil, sometimes we choose to just bend over backwards to avoid conflict with her. There have been a few side effects from this, though, and my challenge is always to choose my battles so I don’t lose the war and our solid, healthy relationship.

Some quick background- when he and his wife split up she chose to move several states away in pursuit of a new relationship. He became the primary caregiver for their daughter. She eventually moved back with her new husband, and he rightly welcomed her back into their daughter’s life without grudges. All got along well, primarily because whenever a dilemma would come up, my guy would give ground to BM’s wants needs and whims. She has been impulsive and unreliable financially, personally, and with employment situations, and the new husband who was supposed to be her golden ticket to prosperity has been a bust, now having violent outbursts and Mental Health episodes. I guess the fourth time is not a charm. She made a big fuss with lawyerly letters over SD changing schools when he decided to live with me, but she had no case and no money to pursue it so the transition has been made and she has accepted it, especially since her daughter is really pleased with our school and has told her so.

Our situation has been more blessed. Disagreements we have are ironed out quickly, we both have stable jobs and few money worries. But there is a component of hard work and good choices there too. At first, his little girl seemed thrilled dad wasn’t alone, and to be in her new school, and she enjoyed being a big sister to my daughter. Now reality seems to have set in. Her mother has been disparaging me in front of her, and she feels pressured to go along and reject me. While BM and dad make similar salaries, dad doesn’t mismanage his money and can afford to pay all school medical and dental expenses for her, although mom is supposed to pay half. She squanders it on god knows what and is always behind on her own bills. While mom buys some clothing for her, we also take care of outerwear and extracurricular activities. My salary is also good, so mom perceives that she is not only free to shirk out of her responsibilities, but benefit from my salary while disparaging me in front of her daughter. At her last birthday party, which Dad paid for, she showed up, paid nothing but plunged in acting as Mistress of Ceremonies, then encouraged her daughter to make fun of chubby kids at the play center. Gross.

The rational part of me sees crazy and stays away from crazy. My question is, how do I interact with her daughter now? A few months ago Dad actually confronted Mom over nasty comments she made about me during a drop off, and Mom staged a full scale riot over it, ranting on Facebook to Dad about it, involving other people. The comments don’t even make sense, as she has no dirt to dig up on me, she just seems jealous that by staying at a job for so long I actually have a salary and career. And I’m providing childcare for her several days a week for free. I guess it really was the first time anyone held her accountable for her actions. As usual, she came out looking like an angry child, but her continued campaign to force her child to choose between families is heartbreaking. It’s not a choice anyone wants her to have to make, but her mom. And her mom has shown how low a priority her daughter is time and again.

This morning SD left a photo of mom and dad on her desk and had written on it “I wish you were still together.” I think that’s a pretty normal sentiment, but mom and dad have been divorced for four years. I think mom is unhappy, and she’s oversharing with SD, and in a child’s mind if something is broken, Mom and Dad are the only ones who can fix it. Dad has no interest whatsoever in reconciling with mom, btw. I have no worry there.

I still would love to make this work, but it’s not like I can reach out to this unbalanced person. I’ll keep my mouth shut over Dad’s over-bending to keep the peace, but I won’t participate in the bubble of unreality they seem to operate in to manage mom’s crazy. I told SD flat out I thought it was wrong to be mean to people who have been nothing but nice to you. The only choice I have is to make good choices with my soon to be step daughter. I don’t know what those are.

I’m angry. But I still want to do things right. My own contentious divorce taught me I’m not putting up with nonsense and there is no room for drama in my life. I won’t bend the chore rules at my house (stricter here). I won’t be mean back because that accomplishes nothing. I’m not trying to replace mom, just be a kind and effective helpmate to the man I’m madly in love with, and bring good times and memories and workable life skills to his daughter. I’d appreciate if anyone else has some perspective to share.