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Saw BM after 8 years

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Tue, 04/15/2025 - 3:57pm

I've managed to avoid being in the same space as BM for about 8 years, but I broke my streak this weekend. OSD had a sorority event that she invited XH, DD, and me to. I should have asked, but I just assumed BM wasn't coming because in the past OSD has always given me a warning and BM also hasn't been super involved in anything to do with SDs' University. I don't know if BM decided to come at the last second or what, but she was one of the first people we saw when we walked into the venue. 

It's crazy how ptsd works, because even though I know rationally that I don't have anything to fear, my body instantly went into flight mode for about 10 seconds before I calmed myself. I took DD's hand and guided her to the opposite side of the hallway everyone was gathered in, while XH went to greet OSD. I heard OSD ask, "where are Felicity and DD?" and I'll be damned if BM didn't point at me and say, "she's right there." I don't know why that irritated me, but it did. I guess because I was hoping that she would just go along with pretending like I don't exist, same as I was trying to do with her.

Everything after that went well. The event was really nice and OSD was very excited to have us there. I did have some moments of panic because she kept leaving BM to sit with us, take photos with us, etc. In the past, this definitely would have led to BM screaming her head off and making the most awful scene. I kept telling OSD, "you probably should stay with your mom" because we had plans for lunch afterwards. But she assured me that BM was fine. So I don't know if she's currently medicated or if we just caught her on a good day. But overall, it could have gone so much worse. There will be a ton of events coming up for both SDs where we'll presumably have to be around BM, so in a way I guess it was good to get this out of the way.

One kind of funny thing. On the way home, DD(11), said, "it was so weird to see my sisters' mom. I've never seen her before." She actually had seen her many times at events when she was a baby/toddler, she just didn't remember. I asked her why it was weird, and she said, "she looks really old and angry, not like I imagined at all. I thought if dad was married to her before, she must be pretty." It was hard not to laugh, but I just told her not to ever repeat that to her sisters and she swore she wouldn't: 

Comments

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Wed, 04/16/2025 - 10:53am

It's so much better than it used to be! There was a time where running into BM unexpectedly like that would have made me physically sick for the whole day. It's kind of why I stopped going to places I knew BM would be. I was paralyzed with fear that she would go crazy in front of DD and it just wasn't worth the risk. I credit therapy (EMDR) and time for the fact that this encounter didn't really activate me all that much, just some brief moments of panicky feelings.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Wed, 04/16/2025 - 11:27am

I totally understand this because I experience the same with our HCBM. Luckily, we live 4 hours away from BM, so running into her in public is not going to happen, but pick-ups/drop offs at our house or events we go to for SS, I am always a wreck waiting to face her. She is always passive aggressive in person, but worse over email and usually face-to-face interactions lead to emails. 

It is even worse digitally. When I see DH's phone light up or I hear the vibration, I panic if I know we are waiting on an email from BM. DH sent BM a harmless email last night asking for an update on something and we still don't have a response, so I am spending most of my day nervous about what the response could be (given her tendency to blow up and attack). 

I have had several full blown panic attacks over Steplife and my feeling of powerlessness and no control and those have been awful. They set me back for several days. Therapy does help and I am thankful for it now. 

It is so much better than it used to be, but it is still so so hard. People who aren't in these situations don't get it, which makes it harder. I never thought another person (especially one we despise) could have so much power over us - mentally and physically, but here we are. I think the fact that BM has the upper hand via CO, sole custody, and SS' loyalty bind makes it that much harder because we are somewhat powerless to her abuse. 5 years and counting and our prison sentence to BM is over - we are counting down the days. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Tue, 04/15/2025 - 7:55pm

DD's reaction/comment is golden and tells you everything you need to know! :) 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 04/16/2025 - 10:17am

PTSD ic common, most of us have it in one way or another 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 04/16/2025 - 2:39pm

Lives exactly 18 minutes away from me and the adult skids live no more than 20 minutes away.   Fortunately I have not run into her in an extremely long time.   The one that lives the closest to us is the Animal Torturer (SD 27) probably about 7 minutes away--same county.

I try to stay out of Girhippoville which is the next county over.  This is the county where all of Chef's relatives live as well as YSS 22 aka the HousesHitter.