Really Thinking about Leaving this Life
So, 3 years married and I just finally heard my spouse say what I already knew and kept stating.. She was feeling guilty about how she left her past and felt like she abandoned her former spouse and his family. All of this pressure had been placed on me to always do so much to ensure everyone else was comfortable despite the disrespect to our marriage and to me. I've explained this to her countless times. How she always bent to him and took his side even when he was in the wrong. I don't communicate with her ex and never met him. But he had gone out his way to say mean things about me to his kids which effectively altered relationships and call my job and hang up. The office has caller id. I don't have his number but when I told her this was happening just in a conversation and said this is the number she stated it was his. Mind you.. she still didn't believe this was happening. I don't know this dudes number so I don't know how that was hard to believe. And then she does not understand how him saying mean things to his kids would impact how they act toward me. She now has the ephinany that she has been sitting in guilt for 3 years. That didn't help me. It just frustrated me more. To the point, I just don't want to be in this clown show anymore.
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Damn, i'm sorry you are going
Damn, i'm sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine feeling like my spouse wasn't "all-in" or was having second thoughts about their ex. Since you are married, maybe try couples counseling. But depending on your situation (if you do or don't have kids with her), it may be just better to leave. Idk, not knowing any more that what's in a short post. But what you describe sounds heartbreaking. I'm sorry.
Thank you
No kids together. Funny thing is I've been wanting kids. Because she has 3, she doesn't want to have anymore than 1 more and that was a struggle. She made me believe when we met she was open to more kids and then all these doubts came once married. I'd be starting all over and stuff like that. Her youngest now is 10. That hurt within itself because that was from your past relationship so that shouldn't place weight on what our plans are. I asked her could we start planning. Doc appts and stuff. She always put it off. Idk. Always felt like this marriage was not a priority. I just started to stay to myself more and do things that made me happy or gave me peace. That became a problem for her because I wasn't trying to hang out with her and the kids. But why would I? Didn't feel like I belonged.
Sorry to say, but it sounds
Sorry to say, but it sounds like she pulled the old "Bait and Switch". Not for one second do I believe she is willing to have one more child She got the wedding ring and no longer has to pretend to want what you want. She probably figures you'll give into whatever she wants and stick around.
Short post, but you sound miserable. You want kids of your own; I doubt she does.
Yeah.. I mean.. she already
Yeah.. I mean.. she already has three.. four is just.. well.. a LOT.. and it takes a toll on the body.. she probably never was truly up for it... past some theoretical.. what if kind of way.
It really sounds like the compatibility in shared life goals is just missing.
I know a lady that married a
I know a lady that married a guy when her kid was young and after he had paid half (or more) of their expenses for years, she left him when her kid turned 18 and moved out. But, at least as a guy his biological clock doesn't tick for as short a time as a woman's. I hope he finds a nice lady to settle down and have his own family with. If that's what he wants. I hope you do, too.
That’s a tough one
I don't think that this is something that you can fix on your own without professional assistance.
Sounds like DW is having guilt/regrets and is second guessing if she did the right thing when leaving her ex.
My DH's ex was actually texting him a few years ago stating that maybe she shouldn't have left him, maybe she should have tried harder, walking down memory lane of when they were together, sent him a text reminding him that 28 years ago she was in labor on said day having their child, etc. It was crazy. She even told him to delete the text messages so I didn't read them. She has also remarried. I was so tempted to contact her DH but I didn't. I think that there must be some kind of jealousy. IDK. Anyway the saga and drama with her is never ending. DH and I have been together 31 years. He was divorced 5 years before I came into the picture, we both had children and non together. I love him but honestly I have to say that living this life has not been easy and it looks like this toxicity and drama is always going to be here until either DH or BM departs this world. Yes, there are peaceful times but I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I think in my case BM is looking at our life, our home, our travels and thinking if she would have stayed with DH this would have been her life with thier kids.
Idk, my marriage was
Idk, my marriage was sufficiently bad enough that i can honestly say i'm over it. 100%. But i do know divorced people whose marriages weren't so bad and they tend to have more nostalgia and tend to communicate and want to do things together with their exes. I guess people just need to be on the same page in their relationships. I don't think i could be with someone who's not 100% over it. Or at least 95%.
I'm sorry things are so hard.
I'm sorry things are so hard. And I wish your DW had been clear about her willingness to have more kids, It's possible that she was thinking that maybe she could do it, and wanted to do it, buy reality is something different.
The ties to the first marriage are not ever completely broken if there were kids. And the kids are part of your DW's family forever so of course they have to factor into decisions that the two of you make. With respect, is it possible you didn't fully appreciate what you were getting into? My ex married someone with no kids, and she definitely wanted to live their lives as a childless couple. She also had significant resentment and jealousy of any reminder of his life with me (which she kept pretty well hidden until he passed a year ago). My feeling is that she knowingly dated and married someone with baggage, and she knowingly entered that situation with a man who was newly separated and very much grieving that separation. So I get the insecurity, buy it wasn't fair for her to step into that if she couldn't deal with it.
In my case, I literally fell apart when my ex died, despite having been apart for 13 years and being in love with my DH. It doesn't change the fact that life is messy and hard and tragic. It doesn't change the fact that, I once loved my ex and built a family with him, and meant it to be forever. It was like all of the trauma of the family breakup came back and boiled over. My DH was amazing. He held me and he let me cry and he never once made me feel badly about it. Because he would feel the same way if his ex died. My DH and I love eachother, and our relationship is strong, but we can't deny that we will never have the particular bond that develops when two young people set out to build their lives and their family together. So I get how badly you want that with your wife. And how hard it is to know that she has had that with someone else, especially if you haven't. But it won't change the reality. Moving forward in a new relationship means moving forward, not starting fresh. And that's a hard pill to swalllow. I do wish you the very best.
Forever the 3rd or 5th wheel in your case
It sounds to me that she has not finalized her past and doesn't want too. In my situation my spouse is forever trying to get validation and affection from his parents that they never provided. BM in my situation is dead but the problem was just replaced with a toxic MIL. Even when things temporarily ended with his parents I was still the 3rd wheel to spouse and SS. After 8 years of marriage I'm gearing towards divorce. I always wanted to have my own kids and spouse seemed open to that. Then one evening out with his parents before the shitstorm occurred his mom basically said our family (meaning the entire lineage) didn't need anymore kids. After that my spouse grew and grew into not wanting anymore kids. So here I am 8 years of marriage with a spouse who now doesn't want more kids while I have zero. You have to come to the decision on your own but honestly I wish I would have left years ago. In reality I wish I would never have married a man with a kid already. The drama even if the BM is dead isn't worth it. If your spouse is still taking up for her ex and pushes your concerns aside when you have receipts then the bond is already broken. This community has saved my sanity multiple times over when I had no where else to turn for advice. Sorry life is being shit
Thanks everyone
I sincerely appreciate all of your comments. This site has been helpful. I don't often post much but can always find something relatable to read to let me know I'm not crazy. Lol. I've told her where I'm at and that I need space to process what is next for me. I don't know if this is where I want my life to stay. I've given so much of myself and I honestly have no more to give to a person who just wants to take. I have to choose me.