My husband and I are a same sex couple.  We have been together for 3 years.  My husband was previously in two heterosexual marriage, the first producing 2 children.  My husband's first wife suffers severe mental health issues and so my husband raised his kids on his own, with very little involvement from the mother.  He has a daughter who is 25 and a son that is 23.  My husband suffers from rheumtoid arthritis and major back issues, so he is disabled and doesn't work outstide the home.  His receives a small social security disability payment each month and is on medicare.

First, I'll start with my stepson.  He is incredibly irresponsible!  When my husband and I first moved in together, his son lived with us.  During this time, our home was under a major remodel so we all three were sharing a bathroom.  His son was continually using my personal care products - he would use my towel, my razor, the beard trimmer (and not to trim his beard!).  You know, sharing things that you don't want to share with other people.  I brought this up to my husband and he acknowledged that, yep, thats what its like to live with the son - he just kind of takes over everything (my husbands words).  He did address this with his son, but the problem continued.  Eventually my husband got a shower cady (the kind college students use in their dorm) so I could carry my stuff back and forth from the bathroom so the son wouldn't use it.

Eventually the son moved out and in with his girlfriend out of town.  This arrangement only lasted a few months and before long the son was back living in our basement, this time with is girlfriend.  As you can imagine, that didn't go well.  The son can't hold a job, since I've known him (3 years) he has had at least 15 different jobs and been fired from at least half of them and walked out on bad terms at the others.  Eventually the son and girlfriend get their own place and things with that were tolerable.  This past November the stepson and his girlfriend broke up and he ends up back in our basement.  At this point he has no job, and doesn't have the most basic things.  We had to provide him with the most basic things; deoderant, toothbrush, soap, etc.  After about a month of living with us, the stepson still doesn't have a job.  I come home at lunch and my husband and stepson are both just sitting there, doing nothing.  The stepson is eating all of our food (husband: well he has to eat).  I ask my repeatedly to have a talk with his son, tell him he has to get a job, etc.  He says he does, but nothing happens.  Eventually he asks me to have a talk with the son, because he won't listen to his dad.  We have a "come to Jesus" discussion and within about a week he had a job.  However, at this point he has a new girlfriend, who also lives at home with her mom.  The girlfriend is suddenly at our house every night.  We sit stepson down and tell him she can only spend the night twice a week and that they can't play house in our basement.  

My stepdaughter!  OMG I don't even know where to start.  She has my husband wrapped around her little finger.  She lives about 3 1/2 hours from us, so luckily she isn't close enought to just pop over anytime.  We do make frequent trips to visit her (about every 6-8 weeks) for long weekends.  She has been very rude and disrespectful to me from the very beginning.  She very much wants everyone to do what she wants, but won't do what other people want.  Last month when we visited, my husband and I needed to go to Ikea to pick up a few things.  She went with us and brought her toddler.  From the beginning she said we could only stay at Ikea for an hour and rushed us through the store the whole time.  Another occasion we went to visit, and she told us we needed to bring our swimsuits.  We said we didn't want to go to the pool, the heat really gets to me and my husband is on medication that he's not supposed to be in the sun.  She said "well don't you want to spend time with your granddaughter?" - very manipulative, if we don't do what she wants to do, then it means we don't want to spend time with the granddaughter.  She tells us what we're doing, she doesn't ask.  I could go on and on with stories about her disrespect and rudeness.  

I've talked to my husband out these situations more times than I can count.  At first I didn't want him to necessarily confront his daughter, but was looking for support in how to do with it.  Every single time he would jump to her defense.  "She's never said anything bad about you, I don't know why you have to attack her", "She's never been anything but welcoming", things like that. I will admit that I finally started getting pretty hateful and said some things that I shouldn't have said, but that was after months of listening to how great his daughter was. Finally things came to a head and I felt like I made progress.  He was going to send his daughter a text calling our these bad behaviors and tell her something had to change.  For several days he worked on the text her was going to send her.  He bounced ideas off of me and worked to word things appopriately.  A few days ago I finally asked if he ever sent the message - and he said he did, that she didn't really respond (which she actually did, but bits and pieces of the response would come up as we talked about it).  I asked why he didn't tell me that he finally sent the message - well there wasn't anything to tell.  Finally yesterday we had a blow up and he's saying that we all need to sit down and talk (I agree) and that we haven't heard her side of things, that everyone needs to talk about how we're making each other feel.  I asked if he could tell me something that I've said or done to his daughter that have been rude, or disrespectful and he can't tell me anything - so I'm the problem because I expect his daughter to treat me with respect.  I need help!  What do I do - I could type pages and pages of examples.