Not to be rude, but there is a reason he isn't divorced after 8 years of separation. He is still far too enmeshed with his ex and his first family to fully commit and prioritize a relationship with you. 

He is not going to be the type to initiate boundaries, especially if he hasn't done it this far. He may be open to change, but the likelihood of him putting his words into action is slim. Helping BM with all the tasks outlined, being a walking ATM for half of whatever BM cooks up, etc. all of these things are still husbandly duties. Even if they don't live together, he is still mentally, emotionally, and financially invested. And if you force him to initiate boundaries, it will backfire on you. BM will get the kids to hate you, your partner will resent you for conflict within the family unit, and you will be miserable because you will become the scapegoat for all the problems. I currently deal with a HCBM and let me tell you, even with my husband maintaining strong boundaries, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Proceed with caution. 

If you still choose to pursue this and your partner is willing to initiate boundaries, he needs an iron clad parenting plan that outlines what his obligations are for visits, holidays, expenses, etc if he doesn't have one already. If he doesn't, this will be an uphill battle. Without an iron clad parenting plan, he will not be able to hold boundaries because he has nothing legally to back him up. 

Oh boy. Sometimes love isn't enough. I think you are correct that your wishes and needs come after BM's, and his kids, and probably even his. It's more important that BM be happy/appeased than you get what you need.

Set some boundaries for yourself. Focus on what affects you, specifically. When he shovels money to BM, how does that affect you? Do you pick up more of the financial burden? Is his retirement fully funded? If not, what is his retirement plan (besides you)?

Does he interrupt time with you to accommodate BM? Take a call? Run her errands or go help her with something? You can nope right out if that. End the date. Go back to your own home.

Give him a date certain for finalizing his divorce. He might agree, but then make excuses when pushing forward gets hard. His unwillingness to formally end that relationship means he is not willing to move forward with yours, despite his begging and excuses.

You need action. Evidence that YOU are his priority, not BM. And that is a reasonable expectation for healthy relationship.

But, honestly, it sounds like he doesn't have the will or fortitude to change the script with BM. 

adage that says the only person you can change is yourself?

It's completely true. All the coaching and guidelines you give him won't change anything unless he wants to change.

But frankly, he's so far down the rabbit hole into his dysfunctional, enmeshed relationship with his ex that he doesn't even realize how crazy another woman would have to be to accept it. He's resisting changing it - to the point of being skittish about divorcing her EIGHT years after their formal separation - because it might upset her?

But the bigger issue is that you have told him multiple times that his actions hurt you but this isn't important enough to him to make changes in his behavior with his ex.

Think about that. If this guy was capable of being in a relationship saying this once was all that would have been necessary. The fact that it wasn't just confirms what you already know - you're not his priority. He may love you but that spot is already taken. 

He's enmeshed with the ex and is not ready for a new relationship.  Run.. and run.  This will never be good for you .  He will be doing things for his ex . Behind your back.  You can not live this way. 
BM wanted to break up your relationship, abd she did. Hopes he happy

you read these boards. You will find similar relationship. See the results 

This man is not ready for a new relationship because he is still in one with his wife. If he truly wanted to be divorced, he would be. There is something keeping him from finalizing the divorce. There is no way he should be helping BM with expenses in her home that are for the children. As old as the kids are, there is no reason for them to be communicating as much as they are. The boundaries you want are completely reasonable.

The other issue here is that he has not "done the work" in order to learn to live on his own as he has never completely separated from his wife. My advice would be to quit seeing him for now, and tell him to give you a call in a year when he is divorced and has healthy boundries with his ex. The problem with you staying with him, is that the only reason he will make changes is because of you, and that will breed resentment with the kids. While they are ok with you now, if your SO starts refusing to do what the wife wants, she will get mad and turn the kids against you. It will be very difficult for you.

We hardly ever communicate.  We don't need to.  It is only about doctor/medical issues or education issues.  We don't communicate about the 19 year old at all cause she is grown.  I also text him and his wife together usually.  He needs to develop healthy boundaries and only focus on education, drop offs, and health in text messages only and only when necessary.  He also needs to get divorced.  It's beyond time.  

The still-married part is the big--no, humongous--red flag. You are viewed as a problem for her (you're in the way) and he doesn't stand up to her. And, yes, you will be resented and made the scapegoat if you take the lead on boundary-setting.

I'm with what everyone else has already stated. You need to take care of you.

*Separating from my husband when he was not handling his intrusive, angry ex propelled him into finding a marriage counselor for us, an experience which provided us with wisdom, a different perspective (no, the kids don't come first; the marriage does...set a healthy example), taught us to work as a team, and gave us tools to deal with the crazy. It wasn't always easy after that--and, yes, I was blamed for his change in behavior--but it did save our marriage, as I wasn't playing....I was ready to divorce. 

I worried about BM and her influence on my DH when DH and I first started dating. They had a divorce agreement, but had not filed it when he and I met, and that was a red flag for me. There was a reason, I suppose. She was still on his health insurance, and as everyone in the U.S. knows, health insurance is super expensive if you're not getting it through your job (BM has only been employed  full time for one year out of the 8 years I've known them). But I needed to know that he was finished with his marriage because I feared that he still may have feelings for her, and I didn't want to compete for his affections.

Within six months of us being together, DH did get it done. He renegotiated the settlement and gave her a little more a month to help her get off his health insurance and get her own. She also extracted some assets of his that she knew he valued (basically extorted him that she wouldn't agree otherwise). But he sacrificed said objects to get her cooperation and they filed the papers. Doing these things proved to me that he was ready to move on.

Despite these actions, I still felt that she had undue influence over my DH. I felt that way for a few more years. DH set certiain boundaries, but there were old dynamics and feelings that opened him up to her influence - feelings of guilt, obligation, etc. For example, she had him convinced that she sacrificed her career goals in order to "allow" him to work. He works with his hands, and worked like a dog, paying all the bills, paying her credit card bills when it became a lot, while she worked part time for her own spending money. She never helped pay the bills even during times when he was unemployed. DH often fretted what would happen if he stopped paying her. I feared that she would be a third wheel for the rest of our lives. But the day alimony ended, she did get a full time job. It didn't last, but it was clear that she could get a job if she really wanted to. DH still pays a hefty child support a month.

The biggest dynamic she set up is creating a trauma bond with him (and to SS as well, in my opinion). She is narcissistic, and you can look up what trauma bonding is. So DH was, in my opinion, in somewhat of an enchanted state when I met him in which he was inexplicably motivated to please her. This affected me as well. She was able to triangulate him through SS. She triangulated me as well. I think that she was very much motivated to pull the strings and control the narrative of everyone involved. It took a few years, but I think that's finally over too. I stuck with DH because I saw that though BM was still attempting to exert influence, he showed progress towards moving on, and finally did. That would be my advice. It might take time to break out of the habits that he and his former family created, but as long as he's making an effort to move forward, I would support those efforts. I think your thoughts are correct - he shouldn't have to pay for the things she chooses to buy the kids.

Idk, you say they have been separated and living apart for 8 years but you are his first real relationship since then? Forgive the side-eye, but most men won't be celibate that long. I wouldn't trust that these two have been truly separated the whole time given how much time they spend together. And even if they have, he is still "emotionally cheating" on you or any other woman he may have dated by giving so much of himself to his ex. It's not for the kids or about the kids, despite what he may say. 

I agree with the posters who say that if he really wanted to end the enmeshment, he would have done it by now. People who remain this close with their exes should not bring someone else into the situation under the guise of starting a real monogamous relationship. 

Welcome.

You’ve hit the nail on the head—the problem isn’t just his first family; it’s your (future?) DH’s lack of boundaries with them.

Actually, scratch that—he doesn’t have a lack of boundaries because he never left his first family. That’s the real issue. How do I know this? Let me share a personal story. It might not align with everyone’s morals, but it’s a true depiction of how some people choose to live—a cautionary tale, if you will, for anyone entering what I call the world of “dis-marriage.”

A "dis-marriage" happens when a couple can’t live peacefully together but don’t divorce for practical or financial reasons. Instead, they maintain their relationship as husband and wife, just in a more... open-ended way.

Here’s an example from my own family. One of my cousins grew up in a situation like this. His parents were people who “had something,” so to speak—money, status, or assets that made divorce impractical. They had each other’s backs in many ways and were, technically, husband and wife. But they fought like cats and dogs. Instead of divorcing, they came up with a “practical” arrangement: the father moved out and got a “side piece,” and the mother did the same.

This wasn’t a one-time experiment—they lived like this for decades until they both passed away. My cousin, their son, had a unique relationship with this setup. He was respectful of his parents’ “concubines” (let’s call them what they were), but he always knew where the real loyalty lay. His mother tolerated her husband’s side pieces until one uppity woman started talking about being promoted to “wife.” That’s when my uncle had to set things straight.

But let’s not sugarcoat it—my aunt never liked her husband’s girlfriends. Why would she? What self-respecting woman would enjoy the idea of her husband’s other woman? She might have been pragmatic, but she wasn’t made of stone.

A single woman in her forties with no children—you’re a catch! Don’t you see that?

Now that you’ve identified the core issue—your (future?) DH—it’s time to shift your energy. Instead of obsessing over the problems caused by him and his first failed family, focus and obsess on finding solutions to your own problems. The reality is, you can’t change anyone but yourself. So, start there.

Here’s a hint: read through this site carefully. If you decide to stay with this man, consider this site as your crystal ball, offering glimpses into the futures of unsuspecting, good-natured women who married into “StepHELL.” As you read post after post, ask yourself: “Do I want to end up like this person?”

Second, seek out a good therapist and start working on you. Therapy can help you untangle your emotions, set boundaries, and build the confidence to either make your one-sided relationship ‘work’ (by 'work,' I mean ‘work’ in the loosest sense of the word)—or walk away if that’s what’s best for you. You deserve a partner who adds value to your life, not one who drains it- like this man.

PS As for the ‘almost’ adult and adult stepkids that you ‘claim’ 'love you' – please read this article; it's an eye-opener. You are forty, but like us all, you, too, will get older. Here’s a quote from the article, and if you read on this site about wills and inheritance, its should open your eyes:

Ellen, a high school teacher who recently became a widow, says she got a rude awakening when her husband passed away.

“I didn’t become a stepmom until I was 45,” Ellen explains. “I had an excellent relationship with both stepchildren who are in their late 30s. When my husband died, my stepchildren became money monsters.”

Ellen continues, “They stole things out of my house and tried to present a will my husband made out 15 years ago, leaving everything to his first wife. I produced his current will and learned a good lesson. Stepchildren have their territory to protect. It’s nothing personal.”

https://www.twincities.com/2007/07/12/dealing-with-adult-stepchildren-re...

Micheal from the Godfather got really good advice from his father, "keep your friends close - BUT keep your enemies closer," many skids follow this Machiavellian way of life, I call them 'sleeper agents,' and most are loyal only to their BM, cult leaders. My cousin was one of them growing up. My DH's youngest daughter was one, but I saw through her.

Always remember, especially in StepHELL, that just because someone grims in your face and 'acts' friendly, that doesn't make them your friend! 

Toaster, this is terrific advice!

Bottom line: he is still MARRIED. RUN!!!

Keep in mind that I too am childless-NOT-by-choice, and have never been married before this. My DH was separated-not-divorced and they BOTH were dating and all that stuff, when I came into the mix. The kids are nice NOW, of course - mom and dad havent divorced yet, dad moves heaven and earth to please mom (still), you havent moved in, so its like "not really real", until the divorce happens, you move in, then it "gets real" for them. OK so thats the kids. Its oversimplified, but its nutshell version.

The very strong enmeshment with BM - I dealt with that too, and for a long time struggled to urge Dh to create and enforce boundaries. She would make fun of it "oh now your p@ssy whipped by your new GF/Wife, etc". Any boundaries would be blamed on me and scorned. 

Now, several years later, SD25 Feral Forger hates me and blames me for her father "abandoning her" because he cant always shovel money at her. Shes treated me horribly and called me names and no one has defended me nor has anyone instituted repercussions. Oh well, we are no contact and I will never ever live with her ever again.

Sd18 Princess powersulk is severely enmeshed with her mother. ALways has been. Everything is to benefit her mother. Which no longer affects me (except I get to store her chit because "mom something") so luckily its in my past. 

Husband is no longer enmeshed but it was a long, hard, painful road with little to no reward (but thats my story it might be different for you)

Hes not divorced yet. He needs to be.

Hes enmeshed severely with the ex. He needs to stop that.

Welcome to Steptalk!

Hi there,

I will start by saying that I understand being disliked by another woman for no reason. Bottom line- Her kids like you. As hard as it may be, don't let her get to you. I am also telling myself this because I know how hard it is, but you are better than this.

As far as him being married still, he needs to divorce her. You deserve all of him. Don't settle for anything less. I'm not trying to be too forward, but I think once he is divorced, you can hopefully be more confident. 

I truly wish you the best of luck, and know that you are not alone. <3 

Also childless and can totally relate to your post.  I'm almost 5 years in...one piece of advice, this issue isn't going away....sorry but it isn't.  You know when something is off, and well it's off.  Boundaries and lack of seems to be a big issue with these men.  I'm going to post soon to see if anyone else has any nuggets re boundaries but boundaries or lack of and needy and enmeshed exes seems to be a common theme here.  If I could go back 5 years personally I may have kept walking.

With these problematic exes they are determined to hang on, at all costs. You have to go ride or die....and then your partner has to have your back or it's not worth it.

I thought my partner getting a divorce would mean things being done and dusted and the nonsense over.  Hell no, it's just beginning.   If I were you, I'd be totally up front and honest that you're not comfortable with him being so involved with his ex.  What do you want and need from him?  How much contact are you willing to tolerate them having?  The youngest kid is 14, hell you have a point, how much contact do they need?  Maybe define that, communicate it and see if he can hold the line.  If he can't then seriously think about whether you're willing to tolerate your partner still playing at half a husband in 5 years time. And he needs to be divorced yesterday obviously.  

I'm in the same boat at the moment and very worried that my partner won't be able to hold the line, and I'm gonna have to move on, again...But sometimes it's the better option....Hopefully some other people will have some tips re how to disentangle the mess but be prepared when the divorce is signed, it unfortunatley is not over.

Also childless and can totally relate to your post.  I'm almost 5 years in...one piece of advice, this issue isn't going away....sorry but it isn't.  You know when something is off, and well it's off.  Boundaries and lack of seems to be a big issue with these men.  I'm going to post soon to see if anyone else has any nuggets re boundaries but boundaries or lack of and needy and enmeshed exes seems to be a common theme here.  If I could go back 5 years personally I may have kept walking.

With these problematic exes they are determined to hang on, at all costs. You have to go ride or die....and then your partner has to have your back or it's not worth it.

I thought my partner getting a divorce would mean things being done and dusted and the nonsense over.  Hell no, it's just beginning.   If I were you, I'd be totally up front and honest that you're not comfortable with him being so involved with his ex.  What do you want and need from him?  How much contact are you willing to tolerate them having?  The youngest kid is 14, hell you have a point, how much contact do they need?  Maybe define that, communicate it and see if he can hold the line.  If he can't then seriously think about whether you're willing to tolerate your partner still playing at half a husband in 5 years time. And he needs to be divorced yesterday obviously.  

I'm in the same boat at the moment and very worried that my partner won't be able to hold the line, and I'm gonna have to move on, again...But sometimes it's the better option....Hopefully some other people will have some tips re how to disentangle the mess but be prepared when the divorce is signed, it unfortunatley is not over.