New member looking for advice
I'm new here and unsure of all the acronyms so excuse the long-hand version.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has 3 children (2 boys, 1 girl) ages 27, 30 and 33. I have 3 also (2 boys, 1 girl) ages 28, 34 and 37.
My stepchildren ALL hate me. Or at least I feel they do. They were raised differently than my own children and are very different from me (different values, character traits, etc. ) and my children so we wouldn't be friends if I weren't married to their dad anyway. They are just very uppity and look down their nose at everyone and feel so entitled. My children and I are very service-to-others oriented, Christian, affectionate, loyal, accepting of others, value kindness and empathy, etc.
They value money and themselves. That's all I've seen so far that is really important to them. Not even their Dad is important to them - they were raised/taught by their mother to disrespect him - make fun of him - put him down, etc. And they do. The only thing they ever wanted or saw value in him for was money. He is a great provider financially and they called it "his responsibility as a parent" to give them money all growing up. After the divorce he continued to pay for all of their college tuition, etc. Now they just want to make sure that they get everything they can upon his death. We own large amounts of land and equipment, farms, etc.
They blame me for the divorce, don't have ANYTHING in common with me, don't like my children or have ANYTHING in common with them abs think they're better than them so they look down their nose at us.
They try to get their dad to show loyalty to them over me or my children or our grandchildren all they time. They try to get him to go places alone with them without me. They say things that hurt my feelings all the time. They pretend to "hug" me goodbye but we never even really touch while they are making the "hug" motion. They exchange glances when I talk. When I spent weeks (and tons of time and $) planning the daughters wedding shower for my husbands side of the family she wouldn't even talk to me at the shower. Then afterwards she took me aside to tell me not to "dress like a slut" At her wedding. I'm a retired principal and veteran teacher - I don't dress provactive. I cried for weeks over that one. She will not talk to my husband or I at large family functions nor sit with us as if she doesn't want to be seen with us. She is ashamed of us. She hasn't been to our house for over 3 years. She barely talks to her dad by phone. She never calls him on his birthday, Father's Day, any holiday.
The oldest son treats me the worst. I'm currently planning his and his wife's baby shower (tons of time and $ and work out into it) and he had his wife text me last night that he wanted to make sure that I sent an invitation to include a girlfriend of his cousins. When I said "of course I had planned to" he told her to say that he wanted to make sure that I didn't "mess it up again". I have never even sent out invitations for them for anything so have no idea why he would say such a rude thing. It's things like that that he does - and it hurts me. So I cried all night over that.
I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't know what to do. I've never done anything so hard as step-parenting in my life. This seems impossible.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Im so sorry that you have had to endure that horrible, shabby treatment. There is so much going on there. I would reccomend therapy, and cutting off the planning for any of these ungrateful, greedy cretins. Make this shower the last thing you put your hard work and $$ into for them. They do not appreciate you and they certainly are disrespecting you.
Put that hard work and $ into your relationship and your family. Disengage from them. Its probably too late to have any discussion with them, their personalities are set and they are never going to see the error of their ways.
Get thee to a lawyer! If anything were to happen to your husband, make sure that you are protected with iron clad wills. Unbreakable trusts, etc, that sort of thing. After 15 years, you have more than earned this. Many stepparents have signed prenups, etc, so if this is the case, get some assets in your name only. You know you cannot count on these Steps to have your back, so must have your own back, and your DH (Dear Husband) should support you in this.
Read around here. Therapy, writing things out, and reading have helped a great many in your shoes.
Veteran SM of close to three
Veteran SM of close to three decades here. Done intensive therapy and everything.
Immediately remove your services of planning any showers, weddings, etc for those ingrates. They don't appreciate it. You CANNOT get them to treat you better. Over functioning for them will not work. Ask me how I know. Even DH's and my marital therapist told me that in front of DH several years ago. Therapist said I was only setting myelf up for further rejection and rotten comments each and every time I did something nice for my SD35. It is not good for us to keep offering ourselves up for further rejection. It only rewards the SKs and lets them know that you're willing to eat shit and that what they're doing is working. They want power over you and to smirk over you running around making great efforts to get them to treat you better, so they'll only keep doing what they're doing.
You don't have an SK problem, you have a DH problem. In reading your blog I kept looking for what your DH is doing to address his brats and tell them in no uncertain terms that you are his wife and that you must be treated with respect. They cannot set foot in your home unless and until they treat you with courtesy and respect. So, what exactly is your DH doing to stand by you in all of this?
If you're wondering how to get out of planning your SS' baby shower, you have two choices:
1) just tell them that you have removed your services as you are done being treated like shit; or,
2) you can come up with an excuse if you're too afraid to call them out on their shit.
Which way will cause less crap from them? Neither. They are already finding any and every excuse to treat you like crap, so know that no matter how you do it, they will ramp it up. You just have to stay strong. If you do complete the process of planning the shower, they'll still find fault and treat you like crap.
Next, call your DH out for not having your back. Your DH DOES know what to do. He just doesn't want to do it. Well, what do YOU want him to do? Have your back? Then tell him in no uncertain terms that you will no longer over function for his kids. You will no longer interact with them. They cannot come into your home. Your DH will have to visit them at their homes. He can tell them off or not, but let your DH know that him not having your back is a deal-breaker. Him staying silent is assent and he is letting his kids treat his wife like shit on the bottom of their shoes and you will no longer tolerate your DH's lack of support of you. The first step for him is to back you up in removing your services from planning your SS' baby shower.
I hope Rags chimes in here and says something about how your DH needs to reach down between his legs and get acquainted with his gonads and testicular fortitude. LOL. Rags can say it much better than I can.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Experiencing this with a weak-ass man makes it so much worse. First step is to put up your own boundaries and remain steadfast when the SKs ramp up. And they will. They'll be mad, but at least you won't be offering yourself up as a sucker.
I struggle to understand why anyone tolerates a partner
I struggle to understand why anyone tolerates a partner who is not all in and then expects them to tolerate their never ending baggage drama.
Yes, the OPs DH needs to grow a pair. So does the OP. We teach people how to treat us. When we fail to do that, we fail ourselves.
My wish for all is that they have partners of true quality, character, and honor who don't polluted the lives of those who love them with their baggage and void of anything appealing existance. I know that no one is perfect, however,
IMHO when we look at the true person we have chosen the facade falls away and then we know it should be done.
The hard part is not ending it even though we know we should.
Tolerating anything but full commitment above all and everyone else is what anyone in a partnership makes no sense to me.
IMHO of course.
I'd write them off entirely.
I'd write them off entirely. Forget that they were ever part of your family. Stop doing anything for them immediately. Text back to the witch who was rude to you about her shower and tell her that as she has no faith in you, you are handing all the rest of the organising over to her ... and that, in addition, you will be withdrawing your financial contribution.
Lose interest in their lives entirely. Disengage from them - they don't deserve to have decent people in their lives. Try to get your husband to understand that he has given them enough and that he owes them not a cent. It might be a good idea to seek counselling for both of you to help you deal with any guilt that either of you might be feeling and also to understand why you are allowing them such importance in your lives and stop doing that.
Please see your lawyer about securing your wills so that neither of you is left with nothing when the other passes. Your futures are more important than them getting a "cut" of all you have worked for.
They are not worth your time.
Yep, all of this.
Yep, all of this.
I would disengage from my own child if he/she were an asshole.
Agreed! I was going to say
Agreed! I was going to say this in my response above and add that if my DD25 acted like these ingrates, I would come down on her like never before. I wouldn't want her to turn into a person like these ingrates, let alone let her treat my spouse like crap.
Agreed!
I told my husband this exact same sentiment. If it were my kids, they would have been immediately stopped in their tracks. In front of anyone present. I practice what I preach. Interesting, though, I have never needed to do this with my kids because they were raised with standards of behavior.
100%...
...agree.
You seem like a kind and well
You seem like a kind and well meaning person.. but you need to stop sticking your neck out for these people. Why is it on you to plan showers.. they don't appreciate it.. so stop.
I might have told his son.. oh.. you are so right.. we wouldn't want this messed up.. so I think you should find someone more capable to plan and host the shower.. I will no longer be available..
I also wholeheartedly agree that you need to see a lawyer about your estate planning.. he may want to leave to his kids.. but he also needs to ensure that you are provided for.. and you may want to leave some to your own children.. and you and he need to get it down in iron clad ways so that it can't be fought over.
"The oldest son treats me the
"The oldest son treats me the worst. I'm currently planning his and his wife's baby shower (tons of time and $ and work out into it) and he had his wife text me last night that he wanted to make sure that I sent an invitation to include a girlfriend of his cousins. When I said "of course I had planned to" he told her to say that he wanted to make sure that I didn't "mess it up again."
Girl, you lost me here. Why in the H*LL are you doing favors for a-holes?
Stop. Full stop. Stop spending time with them and doing favors for them.
I promise you the comment about not dressing like a slut is from the BM because you're probably more attractive and looked good in your outfit that day.
Stop. Please stop. You have "doormat" written all over you. You will never earn their respect by cowering to them and trying to win them over.
Make sure your husband gets his will IRONCLAD so that you do not lose anything you have acquired as a couple during your marriage. Make sure he does something that his kids cannot fight AND if they do, have it in his will that ANYONE who contests his will be disinherited - yes, that's a thing.
DISENGAGE! There is no need
DISENGAGE! There is no need to involve yourself in any of it. Carry on with your own life and vice versa. Don't be concerned with what they are doing. They are full blown adults. Your DH can carry on a relationship with his grown children outside of your home. They can go to lunch, he can visit their home, etc.
PLEASE double check your wills. Make sure everything is spelled out by DH so they do not do a money grab at the end.
How does he view his children's behavior? He sounds like a bystander.
If you hadnt decided already,
If you hadnt decided already, just stop engaging with these overgrown spoiled toddlers right now. Also get thee to an esate planning attorney stat, since I wouldnt let yourself be a sitting duck in case DH passes before you to leave you at the mercy of these people who sound like opportunists who will leave you dry.
Also, just stop lifting one more finger and do not pay one more dime to fund or help with the shower for people who are beyond undeserving of your assistance. These ahole stepkids have made it clear how they really feel about you..that you are nothing more to them than something to use and abuse as a resource for their benefit . They have made it painfully clear that they dont give one flying eff about YOUR well being. All they really care about is whether or not YOU can be relied on to come through for them . So why keep bending over backwards for them for even one more minute since they are only going to be ungrateful no matter what you do or dont do. Trust me, Ive been there too with an phony, entitled SD30 who only cares about me as long as she can get something from me so I can personally vouch that Its a waste of your precious time, money and energy not to mention your mental health.
The sooner you nip this in the bud, the better, since you know they will only keep using you a doormat as long as you allow it and will only get worse.
I know this well.
Except my DH's adult kids are phonies and pretend to like me. My kids have not seen his kids in over 15 years. Their choice.
Anyway, totally DISENGAGE from this bunch. Let your DH handle them. Don't interfere with him seeing his darlings. You just don't give a whatever about them. No more planning anything for them. No cards even. No gifts. Certainly no showers. Focus on those that matter in your life. Including your DH. And your kids.
I foolishly tried to win over step kids who were never going to like me. Tried for years. It got me a lot of nothing and I felt really angry and hurt. DH's daughter has refused to visit him for ANY holiday the past SEVENTEEN years. As long as I've known him. She supposedly is gracing us with her prescence sometime this month for a weekend visit. DH at first insisted all the holiday decorations remain until her queen ship arrives. I put a stop to that!! Told him if she wants to see holiday lights here she can show up in December!! Lol. And the old me would plan nice special dinners and sweets that I know they like. Now no more.
AGAIN. DONT LIFT A FINGER FOR THEM. LET THEM JUST ENGAGE WITH THEIR FATHER. participate with them when you want to.
An afterthought...
When they say outrageous stuff (like the "dressing like a slut" comment), burst into laughter like it was the funniest thing you ever heard and if they should ask you what's so funny ... "Oh my goodness, you just don't see, do you?" And walk away while wiping your eyes and chortling.
Yes!
This is priceless!
Cut to the chase, keep it stupid simple, move on. NOW!
Do not sacrifice one more Pico-second of your life to this shit show.
Living our best lives is what each of us owes ourselves. Live your best life. It is also the best revenge.
Take care of you.
Thank you all
Since this post I have stopped hurting so much, stopped worrying about it, stopped blaming myself.
My husband is definitely supportive and has spoken to them about acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and attitudes. The daughter just doesn't have much at all to do with him because he put his foot down. I feel bad about being the reason for that - it really bothers me. And the son got very angry as well when he addressed the whole baby shower issue. My husband told me to not invite ANY cousin, to not even do the shower at all, and if I chose to do it then do it my way and don't involve the adult kids in any of the planning and not to invite the daughter (don't dress like a slut) at all (though she wouldn't come anyway). He wants her to know she is not included, I'm not available to be a doormat, she is in the wrong, and he won't stand for any disrespect of me.
So I know I didn't talk in my original post about my husband. I am continuing to plan the baby shower because I do what I say I'm going to do. I will see it through. I will do it the way I see fit, without their input, invite who we feel should be invited, do my best to make it special and a happy day, enjoy the family we invite and who come. I have cancelled all the "extras" I was doing for them like the expensive decorations and I stopped knitting the baby blanket (returned the unused yarn) and reduced the preparation greatly. I usually am a very detailed planner and go overboard on special details when I entertain (like I planned to request newborn pictures of the expectant parents to frame and display, also frame their ultrasound picture, invited ALL parents of both sides, etc). I'll make it nice and that is it.
Also I just keep saying "I am not longer available as a doormat, I am no longer over-performing to win your friendship. Neither has worked and I will not continue. I am not the downstairs maid and will not be treated as such." My husband hugged me when I said this exact thing - and said "I am so sorry my kids are such degenerates and have made you feel this way. It's shameful and I'm so proud of you for standing up and refusing to allow it. I will not allow it either". So I am thankful to youall for giving me an objective view that told me that I wasn't the problem, or it wasn't just something I was imagining. I just kept thinking what am I doing wrong here? I blamed myself because they made me feel like I was wrong - not good enough, a bad person, not worthy.
Thanks for helping me see the reality, and giving me courage.
This will be the last time I offer to host any event for them. "I will no longer over-perform".
I am a fan of your husband. He definitely sounds great.
Now for this.
My husband......has spoken to them about acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and attitudes. I feel bad about being the reason for that - it really bothers me.
You are not the reason that your DH addressed the intolerable behaviors of his noxious failed family Kidult spawn. They are.
You did not cause this. They did. Do not ever again sacrifice yourself on the altar of SParental martyrdom to these unworthy ill behaved people. You and your DH be proud and radiant at each other's side and live your best lives. Radiance and living well sends these types scurrying to the shadows in the dark corners like roaches do when a bright lite is turned on in a dark roach filled room. Make no mistake, they are roaches. You, your marriage, and your life are the light.
Take care of you as you and DH continue making your life of adventure and love for the ages together in spite of his failed family progeny.
My apologies for not starting with a welcome earlier.
What should have been first, and most important, welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
Now, why would you or anyone else expose your vulnerable underbelly to these types of people? The type that will always gut you every opportunity that arrises. An asshole cannot be loved through their chosen status. So, stop investing in them. Time to abandon the baby shower immediately.
If you have not been logging their nasty crap, get a journal, and go back through the entirety of the last 15 years and log every slight, every nasty behavior, etc, etc, etc.... No need to get the exact dates right, just log the events and the toxic behaviors by them. This gives you an outlet to get it all out, it records their nasty choices in how they have treated you and their father, and it gives you and your DH something to review as you put together the standards of behavior and standards of performance that you will structure and hold them to.
Yes, they are adults. As adults, they get no special consideration for their nasty behaviors, their demonstrated lack of character, and their choices in disrespecting you, your DH, and your marriage. These types do not get a hug, they get a pop to the lips and they are sent packing to sulk in the dark corner along with the rest of the behavioral cockroaches.
Be radiant, be confident, and live your best life full frontally in their faces. You and DH do that together. These types are not worthy of love, consideration, or forgiveness because they have not earned it. Do not give them the time of day until they do earn it.
I am a no BioKid stepdad and have been for 30+ years. My SS-32 is an only in our marriage and family. So my experience is far less complex than yours has been regarding your SParent and blended family marriage journey. My SS was 15mos old when his mom and I met. We married the week before he turned 2yo. So I have been dad from just about the beginning. We did have the typical battles with the toxic, shallow, and polluted end of his gene pool and made it our goal to protect him and our family from that cesspool of toxic multi-generational failure. Our son is a man of honor, character, and of standing in his life, profession, and community. He asked me to adopt him when was 22. We made that happen.
He is the eldest (#1) of 4 all out of wedlock children by three baby mamas in his BioDad's brood. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.
Live your best life. Each of us owe ourselves that. They (Your toxic SKids) have no place in that life until they take the actions to earn a place an never deviate from a path of reasonable and respectful behavior.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.