No I don't.  My OSD and YSS attacked my DH years ago.  There has been no ownership of that attack or resolution to it.  DH came to terms with it yada yada yada.  I on the other hand had to handle all the drama that came out of the night.  I like everything you said justifying your stance, I agree with all of it.  These skids need to know there are consequences for not owning your bad behaviors and  learning how to make authentic amends.   I've always said there are certain life lessons a step parent can teach.  Indifference is where I'm at now.  This all happened 14 years ago.  The skids know what they did and I am  the only one to hold them responsible.   It's been so long now that I can't even imagine them being a part of my life.  That's fine.  Way too much  dysfunction to overcome or let back in.  Peace is priceless.  

No, you're not. After 5 years of bad behavior from SD (many years ago), two of which involved no contact (her decision at age 15), we attempted to improve things over a holiday, and her behavior was horrendous. My DH told her that she needed to apologize to me. She refused, cried, and said she hadn't done anything wrong. He asked her at least a few other times for an apology. No. So, I chose not to see her for 7 years. She did not step foot in our home. I've only seen her a handful of times since (she wanted to "reconcile," meaning failed cash grab for her wedding) and, after the last visit, I don't plan on seeing her again in this lifetime. This isn't out of spite. It is about peace. It's about never hearing a sincere apology and genuine willingness to go forward from this phony who caused so many problems. It's about consistently rude, awful behavior from someone who hates me. Nope. 

The Skidmarks are currently out of DH’s and my life. Under the influence of their Mothership, they’ve repeatedly abused DH and used passive-aggressive mean girl tactics against me. The final straw was when YSD called CPS on DH for alleged abuse—a claim that was never proven.

If they ever come back, the best I can do is remain indifferent to them, and here’s why:

First, when toxic people wrong you, they often experience intense negative emotions like shame or guilt. To avoid these feelings, they shun you. You must understand and accept this.

If they’re forced to engage with you on some social level, they’ll avoid acknowledging their wrongdoing. Why? Because, unlike emotionally healthy individuals, they equate their wrong actions with their core identity. For them, admitting, I wronged Daddy-cakes and Evil Stepmother, becomes, I’m an evil person. That kind of bone-crushing shame is too much for them to bear, so they distance themselves instead.

A psychologically healthy person, by contrast, would think, I’m a good person who did something wrong. My actions don’t define me. I can change my behavior, make amends, and move forward. And, more importantly - they do! 

But unstable CODs often struggle with malignant shame. On top of that, they’re influenced by their cult-leader BM, who convinces them that their actions against their bio-father and me aren’t wrong at all. Instead, she frames these atrocities as acts of a “holy war.” Holy war as in its BM's holy war; as in, its the First Failed Family's Holy War! According to this twisted narrative, they haven’t done anything bad and, therefore, have no need to apologize. 

Because of these two reasons, any apology your SD offers might not be entirely sincere. At worst, it could backfire and blow up in your face. At best, it will serve as a temporary release for SD, allowing her to alleviate some of her own negative emotions.

But remember, venting is not the same as true remorse or genuine change. Without meaningful action to back up her words, an apology is just a fleeting gesture, not a true step toward reconciliation.

I can't tell you how important this is - If your skid mark has a toxic BM lurking in the background, then it’s most likely this skid believes that she didn’t do anything wrong, according to her cult leader, although she might feel shame for how she has treated you which making it hard to face you. The Skids will always be loyal to the memory of the First Failed Family and BM. When they abuse DH, who has moved on and re-partnered, and abused the evil SM, it's out of their loyalty to their First Failed Family - this is how they cope with their broken family. 

Second, Daddycakes—your DH—is deeply invested in the “Big Happy Family Fantasy,” and he’s trying to push that delusional agenda onto you. Think about it this way - he's trying to grab and embrace his First Failed Family and include his concubine (you, as the side piece) into the messy mix. It’s essential to understand what drives him and recognize that you need to look out for yourself because he won’t. He wants everyone to get along at all costs (usually at your expense), while you’re seeking peace and respect. These are two very different agendas.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t push for a big, heart-to-heart conversation with SD. Don’t expect a sincere apology—refer to what I wrote above for the reasons why. Instead, treat her like she’s a polite stranger, and think of the past as water under the bridge.

You’ve already learned everything you need to know about SD and where you stand with her. You understand her character, and now you can move forward with clarity: keep interactions straightforward and polite but maintain a stance of indifference.

Do not entertain the idea that you and SD can be “friends.” That ship has sailed. The best outcome you should strive for is cordial indifference. Anything beyond that is unnecessary and risks setting yourself up for disappointment.

 You wrote:

The past year, I have felt like the "guilty one" at times, because we (SD) are estranged. His family has made me think that we handled things wrongly. There's no empathy for what we've experienced. They think we should have just let bygones by bygones and allowed her to stay with us. Not at 20 years old we weren't!

I can understand your ‘misplaced guilt’, but let’s face it—the reality is this: UNLESS you woke up on your wedding day, rolled over, and thought to yourself, “Today, I’m marrying an unsuspecting man with kids! Hurray! I get to torture and abuse them, and my ultimate goal is to estrange them from me and their father! [insert evil laugh here],” then you really have something to feel guilty about.

Oh yes, the out-laws! Remember what I said about the “One Big Happy Family Fantasy”? Your DH’s family likely follows the creed, “Blood is thicker than the ink on your DH’s marriage license.” How do I know this?

In my case, the Skidmarks would ghost MIL, but when they were in contact with MIL, they couldn’t help but be rude and passive-aggressive to her. And yet, MIL discounts their abuse and completely overlooks the suffering DH, and I endured at their hands. Why? For two reasons:

First, MIL thrives on forming a good Drama Triangle. She loves positioning herself as the “rescuer”—it gives her a sense of purpose in her delusional mind. Could some of your DH’s family members feel they need to ‘rescuer’ your skids? At the least, they want to ‘stay neutral’ because they want to maintain a ‘relationship or relationshit’ with the skids. The latter means they will sacrifice their dignity and self-respect to keep toxic people in their lives. In that case, nothing you can do about it.

Second, in-laws can hold onto the belief that blood family must stick together at all costs. And by “costs,” I mean at the expense of your dignity and your peace—especially since, in their elitist eyes, you’re just a non-blood-related member- Think blood members as VIP members and non-blood members are the riffraff. Again, nothing personal, its just business as usual.

The best thing to do? Don’t take it personally. But, definitely don’t invest in such people – only give as much as you get.

I know it sounds bad, but when the Skidmarks finally put Granny in her place—usually after she oversteps by trying to “parent” them, violating their cardinal rule that only the cult leader, their Mothership, can parent them—Granny ends up calling DH and me in tears, blubbering about how they’ve “mistreated” her. I just laugh.

And I refuse to fall into Granny’s Drama Triangle and “rescue” her from the so-called evil Skidmarks, especially since she was the one chasing them with her fists full of money. I do not respect this woman, at all.

One thing CODs often lack—especially the toxic ones—is accountability and respect for others. More often than not, they carry a strong sense of entitlement. By not enabling your Skids to live with you, you’re doing the most loving and responsible thing. Why? Because in the real world, if you treat people with disrespect, things don’t go well for you.

CODs are often pitied and pampered by family members who see them as poor little victims of divorce. But let’s be real: your SD’s employer isn’t going to coddle her when she’s late to work every single day just because she’s a “poor little victim” of her Mommy’s and Daddy’s divorce.

Your SD is not welcome in your home because of her behavior and attitude. CODs need to understand that their actions have consequences, and sometimes those consequences are permanent.

Best thing you can do is let that past be the past – But, learn from it. What did you learn? You learned about the character of you SD. You learned where you stand with her. Keep the lessons but let the experience go. Then act in your best interests.

If the in-laws are so gun-ho about SD having shelter with a blood relative’s, then they could host her.

MIL, the Skidmarks’ Granny, constantly told us we should take the Skidmarks back if they ever needed a place to flop. That is, until DH shut her up for good by revealing a hard truth. He told her he thought, for example, that YSD was very unstable—reminding her of the time YSD called CPS on him.

Then, he dropped the bomb: “Honestly, I’m afraid she might hurt us,” he admitted. “But if she ever really needed a place to stay, I’d send her to live with you, Granny.”

How do you think Granny reacted to that revelation?

Everyone’s an armchair Family Council expert—until they have to step into the trenches and deal with toxic, narcissistic CODs personally. Granny’s bravado crumbled fast when the reality hit her. She sounded downright terrified.

Guess bio parents forgive easyer,  calling CPS on you is a big mistake.  Getting your name in frount of law inforcement would be hard to get over. A sorry just will not do it.  I agree.  
'Don't listen to the cheerleaders, MIL..SIL..AND INL.  There kids didn't call CPS on them.  ''''Bio Mother should get a life.''' She still feels rejected by DH and is trying to distroy SD relationship with her BF..  and DH relationship with you. 
 

A relationship, distroyed so much. Will take time to reastablish ....baby steps.  First you need to have ''''the talk'''. Get a real apology.   Then you trying to get over it.  
Knowing it will never be the same.  22yo don't sleep over EOWE .  More like a Applebees dinner once every few months. $25 gift cards for birthday ..Christmas. .holidays.  [ not sorry SD hers a few thousand $] And se how it goes from there.  If SD is still under BM influence it will come out quickly.  Good SH is see his DD outside the home. 

Not wrong in this. Though you are wrong in forgiving and in not going full in their faces life shredding  confrontation. Daddy is coddling and weaseling instead of continually applying his daddy foot to his lying POS failed family spawn's ass, destroying his sister, and putting his mother in her place.

IMHO of course.

This is a hill to die on. Stand your ground, escalate the state of abject misery your DH lives until he grows a pair and makes it crystal clear to his spawn and his family that they have no place in his life until they crawl forward hat in hand to beg forgiveness with a sincere apology and forever change their shit behaviors.

Until then. Let the rot.

To do otherwise is to continually sacrifice yourself on the altar of SParental martyrdom to your failed man, father, and mate of a DH, his toxic spawn, and the mass delusion of your IL clan.

DENIP, you are absolutely not wrong for feeling this way! Agreed, with the "no hard feelings"...not okay! I take the same stance with apologies. If I wrong someone, it is up to me to make it right. I don't have to be told, prodded, or reminded. That is why I hold to the 'you can't unring the bell' theory; I would rather be measured and intentional with my communications. This means sometimes walking away and reconvening after taking a breath, thinking things through, and crafting a respectful response. 

I have a lot of love to give and it is given freely...until I have a reason not to. I agree with those who have said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Believe them, remember what they have done/are capable of, and act accordingly. One can still be gracious, cordial, and move on; however, when I am done, I am overdone.

...to all. I learn so much from all of you, I appreciate your candor.