Wife completely ignores my two children as if they don’t exist.
Hello,
First post.
Married 9 years. I have two children from a previous marriage (15F, 13M) and my wife and I have one daughter together who is 7. My wife has children from previous marriages as well but they are all adults and out of the house. One did live with us for years before he got old enough and moved out.
Our marriage has been rocky at times. We split for a couple months 5 years or so ago. But I think for the most part we have learned to deal with each other better.
The one big problem, and it is really big, is that she completely ignores my two children who are here 50% of the time. When we were first married and they were younger she spent time with them, did things with them, etc. After having our daughter time spent with my two spent got less and less.. I do NOT play favorites. I love all three of my kids the same. If anything our youngest gets more attention and time from me because of her age and the fact that mine are typical teenagers who like their time in their rooms, friends, etc. She has always been jealous of them. In arguments saying things like "go spend time with your "real" kids".
It has gotten to a point now where she does not say hello or goodbye to them when the come and go every week, doesn't interact with them at all. No words are spoken between them. It's gotten worse and worse. We don't do a whole lot as a family together for multiple reasons. One being the age difference between our daughter and my two, the other being that it's uncomfortable because of how she acts (or doesn't act). We all went out together for dinner during Christmas break and she did not say one word to them, even though she sat across from my son. On Christmas when they got up and came down to open their gifts (they're teens so it was later than our daughter) she did not even say Merry Christmas to either one of them. If she says anything about them at all it's negative. She'll complain about my son making noise while he's in his room or complain about how my daughter dresses. There is never anything positive said.
The situation makes me extremely sad and it makes things very uncomfortable when my kids are here. If I see and feel it then my two kids do as well and it can't feel good to them. I can see it getting to a point where it will affect them wanting to be here.
I do not know how to approach this as she is extremely defensive and it's almost guaranteed to start an argument. I know she will try and blame them and say they don't say hi either, etc. In my opinion she is the adult and it's her responsibility to be the one to initiate. I feel that the kids know she doesn't like them and don't know what to do, so they just take cues from her and don't talk with her.
It can't go on this way. I'm at a point where I'm on edge all the time anytime we're all together because it's so uncomfortable.
Anyone have a situation like this or have any advise?
Thank you!
Welcome, before answering,
Welcome, before answering, you should fully understand that this site is more for the other POV.. of the STEP parents' struggles not those of the bio parents. So, please try to not get defensive when people ask if there could be some valid reason that your wife has disengaged from your children... (disengagement is when you basically coexist but have varying levels of reduced emotional and actual contact/interraction with the skids).
Because, being a step parent is difficult and can be made more so when you have the following kinds of situations.
Kids who are alienated against the step parent by their other bio parent. They act out..disrepect and generally can cause a conflict ridden household every time they 'darken the doorstep'
The above can be aggravated further if the SP spouse (you) is not supportive of the SP, pushes responsibility for the kids onto the SP, yet won't back them up when conflicts occur.. ie takes kid's side.. doesn't respect their spouses opinions regarding the kids.. example. house rule is only an hour of screen time.. SP says... time to put away games.. but Bio dad says.. "no.. they can have extra today".. Or pushes SP into the disciplinarian role. Or tolerates the disrespect of the kids of the SP and home.. "they are just kids".. weak tea excuses.
there is also the issue of general frustration of resources from your home leaving to the other home.. Extras.. when she may feel that she is picking up more slack.
SP's get frustrated when it seems that their spouse tries to keep the peace with everyone BUT them..
Disney Dad behavior.. only wanting to do the fun things when all the kids are there.(not saying in your case that is true.. just trying to show full possibility)
Some sP also struggle to not resent that they were not the first one to have a kid with you. ..
In the end.. I really feel the home should model polite behavior.. that means at least some minimal level of social interraction.. she doesnt have to say much.. but she should be kind enough to them.. barring outright hositlity from the kids.
Do you know of any reason why she may really dislike them.. have they been allowed to be diisrespectful? You dont need to expect the same level f closeness.. but usually their are underlying causes for a SP to stop trying.
There is no valid reason for
There is no valid reason for her disliking them. They have always been respectful of her. They in fact were close to her when they were younger. Theyre good kids, do good in school, never in trouble.
Only "Disney dad" behavior is when they are NOT here. We do things with our daughter constantly.
I think the resentfuness on her part is there for sure and got worse as our shared child got older and older.
My wife is the kind of person that can write anyone off in her life without n second thought. She hasnt spoken to her sister in 7 years over soemthing minor. Even when her sister recently held out an olive branch she ignored it and we spent Thanksgiving in the same house with her ignoring her, not saying a word and making it uncomfortable for everyone there.
I'm at a loss for how to even approach this, let alone come to any kid of resolution.
Have you point blank asked
Have you point blank asked her what caused the rift? perhaps counseling would help? otherwise, I guess, everyone will need to understand that this is a "her problem" and that it isn't necessarily personal.. she does it with others too.
I mean, would you tolerate it
I mean, would you tolerate it if your kids refused to talk to her.. or your other child? I would probably make it clear that unless she can give you a valid reason for her cat/tongue problem then you expect her to either participate in conversations and address your children, or she can find other places to be during your visitation.. if there i truly no reason other than she resents the situation.. you should insist on counseling for this problem.. or consider ending the relationship.
tbh.. if it's as presented.. she doesnt sound emotionally healthy or mature.
No,I have not point blank
No,I have not point blank asked, as it likely to cause a giant blow out. I'm trying to figure out how to approach it.
No, I would never allow my kids to behave that way.
Emotionally unhealthy is a very nice way to put it.. But yes, she can not deal with any issues. She refuses to take blame for anything, etc.
You know this isn't sustainable, right?
OP, type the word shunning into the search engine of this site and do some reading.
I feel like there's much missing from your story, possibly things you're missing or don't understand. Without question, your home is an unhealthy environment for kids to be in, but as their parent, it's encumbent upon you to do something about it. Does your exwife know about the shunning?
I'm curious to know what the relationship is like between your three kids. Do they get along? Spend time together regularly? How do your kids feel about your wife's shunning? Does your youngest like her older siblings, or is she being alienated by her mom?
I think you should meet with a family law attorney to gain clarity. Find out what you need to do to protect your relationships with ALL of your children. Find out if your ex could use this as an opportunity to reduce your percentage of custody, and how/if you can use your current wife's mistreatment of your older kids to ensure she doesn't try to withhold your younger daughter should you divorce.
You know your current wife is volitile, so be stealthy but get a plan together. Your silence is permission for this to continue, and your older kids need to see you standing up for them. SPEAK with your kids! STOP tolerating their shunning! Set up some family counseling for you and all three of them. Your marriage may not last, but what you do now will determine whether or not your kids will want you in their lives going forward.
I haven't read anything
I haven't read anything positive you've written about your wife but plenty of negative:
"There is never anything positive said."
"they don't say hi either, etc. In my opinion she is the adult and it's her responsibility to be the one to initiate. "
"My wife is the kind of person that can write anyone off in her life without n second thought. She hasnt spoken to her sister in 7 years over soemthing minor. Even when her sister recently held out an olive branch she ignored it and we spent Thanksgiving in the same house with her ignoring her, not saying a word and making it uncomfortable for everyone there."
"But yes, she can not deal with any issues. She refuses to take blame for anything, etc."
You don't mention anything about your kids' behavior so i'm guessing they've both been perfect as far as you can see. TBH it sounds like you know what you want to do but are looking for validation from outsiders.
I feel u
It's hard..my 18byo stepdaughter constantly break house rules smoking indoors and when she is caught by gas detector, she flips the story that she's victimized. My husband enables her behavior.
What i have chosen is to work on our relationship and not let this affect us although it has affected our love and respect for each other as I have a minor child whose bedroom is beside hers.
I would suggest counselling and working at your relationship since u share a daughter. When ur kids are over try to organise activities that all can have fun together. Movies, dave and busters, mini golf?
It's tough but the communication needs to be there. Why is wife acting this way? Does everyone around her enable this behavior?
Hmm it sounds to me like your
Hmm it sounds to me like your wife is harboring some resentment now towards your other children now that you 2 share a bio child. I don't the story fully but it does not sound like a healthy environment for your 2 kiddos. I would have a serious sit down conversation with your wife and ask her about the shunning . Was she offended some how ? Is she doing this out of malice ? How is she towards you other wise ?
Resentment origin
How was your relationship towards her now adult children? You've been married 9 years. If they were under 18 at any point of your relationship together, she could be angry at you for your attitude and effort with her bio children . She is now treating your bios the same as you treated her bios.
That’s the way
Your wife feels. SK must of did something to her. By playing some head games. You either leave ,or deal with it. We tell SP to disengage for their own sanity. Your DW disengaged. Funny how it's all DW fault nothings kids did wrong .
'Your wife is making a family with her bio kid and you. Either accept it or leave. At 13 and 15 they are not going to be around much longer at least you have a 7 yo. To have a happy family with
I noticed this too. It's all
I noticed this too. It's all the wife's fault and never the "perfect" children. DH, is that you?
I have a man who twists himself in knots to overlook his daughter's faults so forgive me if I'm giving this story the side eye. If true, then someone needs to call the Pope in Rome because we got a couple of saints here that need to be canonized.
Are my kids perfect? No. But
Are my kids perfect? No. But they are sweet, good kids. Both A/B students, have never been trouble. Respectful. As they've gotten older they spend most of their time in their rooms or doing things with friends. There is basically never a time when they're here alone with my wife, so I see all of the interactions. My son will occasionally forget to flush and get some pee on the toilet seat. He is noisy sometimes when he's playing video games. He has a set hour to be done and he obeys that. My daughter keeps to herself and does art in her room. She is artsy. Colored hair, the way she dresses, etc. My wife has been clear she doesn't like that. If that's my daughters biggest problem I'm a lucky dad. They are guilty of not saying hello, etc. as well, but as I have observed, it started with my wife and they seemed to have taken the cue from her.
I get along great with all my wife's kids. Only one ever lived with us. From when he was in eighth grade until he was 20. Not only did we get along, but I paid for all of her share of his expenses for sports, etc. I've rented him a place to live at heavily discounted rent. He still lives in town. We talk and occasionally hang out even when his mom isn't around.
From comments made a lot by her when the kids were younger I believe it's a jealously issue.
I did bring it up to her last night. I told her I had something to talk with her about that was making me really sad. While she didn't take full responsibility, she did acknowledge that she doesn't say hi or goodbye, didn't talk with my kids at dinner and didn't say Merry Christmas to either. I asked if the kids had done something to make her act this way and she said no. She said she was surprised it had gotten to this point. I'm not sure how as when you ignore someone it's going to get to that point. As I stated earlier, she has no problem cutting people out of her life. She would rather ignore an issue than deal with it. She did agree to try and build a relationship again by starting small and making sure to see hello and goodbye. And go from there. We'll see how that goes.
Harry. You've got to be kidding me. They're ALL my children and they will never not "be around". Accept it or leave? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Why wouldn't I address bad behavior? I'll never accept that. I'll fight for ALL my kids right to be respected in their own home. What kind of parent wouldn't?
After reading your posts
After reading your posts nothappy, i think you have made great efforts in trying to resolve these matters. Credit to us for finding this website and seeking advice. i agree with ESMOD, i think your DW has some unhealthy emotional coping strategies and immaturity. this may sound blunt, but unfortunately, she has always been like this and you will drive yourself crazy trying to fix someone else. I believe you always have to meet people where they are at, that is their true self. Unless that person approaches you or actively seeks help, it is really out of your control.
you are a good BD and a great SD, all of your actions and examples show this. on a bigger picture, Can i suggest watching Mel Robbins on Youtube and watch her podcast series 'let them'. it is a brillant way to learn the healthy boundaries and extent in which we are responsbile for our own stories.
you need to preserve your sanity and mental health first. you have made the suggestions, walked the talk and now you either bear to continue patience with your DW or step up or find an alternative solution moving foward.
I know it can be difficult to carve a new story again now that you have a child together. but it the sacrifice has been your older children, wondering if that has been worth the deal?
I know my wife has unhealthy
I know my wife has unhealthy coping strategies and is immature. Throw in a bit of narcissism and you've got the full picture.
Our relationship has gotten way better mostly due to myself learning her patterns and not reacting in the ways that she is looking for. It's peaceful enough that I'm willing to stay in a less than stellar relationship for the sake of my youngest, whom I believe would be forever scarred, more than most children, by us splitting up at this point. I know some people will say don't stay for the children, but I disagree.
Thank you for your comments.
Fair enough, I believe
Fair enough, I believe everyone is the knowledge holder, you know best your situation compared to any of us.
All the best
and can i also note, jealousy
and can i also note, jealousy can stem from poor self-esteem, again it comes back to healthy coping strategies within the person to develop.
Again, you cant control the way the other person thinks about themself or talks to themself.
An obvious question.
Did your failed family BKs say Merry Christmas to your wife?
You focused on your wife's rejection of your failed family children. No mention of how those teens behave towards their SM.
Usually I am totally and completely team couple and zero tolerance of crap behavior from SKids or any other flavor of kid.
So, what is the rest of the story?
If your failed family kids are not disrespectful of rejecting your DW, then I would call DW on her crap full frontal front and center. If the kids are causal to the problem, that is another story entirely and you need to put your daddy foot up their asses to behave appropriately towards your wife.
IMHO of course.
Thank you for posting this
this is my life as well, except I have my 3 boys 100% of the time not 50%.
Do you and your kids do stuff completely seperate from her when they are with you (ie meals, activities etc)?
Do you enjoy this time with your kids, whether or not she is involved? What do you most wish to gain from her being more invovled (for you, for your kids, for her etc?)
Is it possible her not being involved and for you and your relationship with the kids to thrive anyway? If so, is it possible for that to happen and for you not to feel resentment or sadness about her lack of interest? I am a yes to the first, and so far a no to the 2nd part of that one...