I expressed to her I strongly dislike being. A step parent. It’s been a Brutal Christmas. I bought him a $400 steam deck. $30 robot, $15 volcano, $30 science experiments for us to do and much more shit. I did all the presents with him while she stood around trying to play with his toys by herself. All for his mom to need help with something else financially.. I tell her Christmas kinda put me in a bind between her son and my family she say, “well you know I didn’t ask you to buy all of that, I had Christmas by myself” but might I add the literal only toys he played with on Christmas was the ones I bought him because I know him well and you know what I got for Christmas? Nothing. I will be honest though she found out her brother passed 3 days before Christmas. we also got into an argument prior because she stated she was only giving her son things for Christmas and nobody else which made me upset because it’s our first Christmas together and I have to watch him open all these presents while I get nothing. So me getting nothing despite her brother dying kinda stirred up the step parent feelings of “I’ll never be put first” even if she did spend the last moments of Christmas Eve looking for presents for him… not one thought was given for a single present for me. She admitted she was gonna write me a love letter which I’ve been asking for because it’s my love language but not hers and give me $100 Best Buy gift card since I like electronics but when her brother died.. she never got around to it. When I told my family she got me nothing, they claimed she was using me and her brother wasn’t an excuse but I have more empathy. *sigh* “she’s using you” *sigh* I’ve heard this so many times. 

anyway, it’d been a rough Christmas. I also found out on Christmas my grandma might have early dementia. I expressed to her after Christmas that I don’t really like being a step parent because I do so much all for her to say “I didn’t ask you to” and ask me for more money. She says she wants to be with somebody who helps her financially whenever she asks but I don’t have any kids and I’m only 26 with my first real job trying to save up to move out so for me, Christmas was expensive and I told her in January I can help financially again but it’s like when I choose not to help, all  of a sudden i dont  help at all. It’s confusing and I want a kid with her but my god do I have to take up the financial burden of a child that’s not mine too? She says all she wants me to do is offer her help with groceries or gas when she needs it. I could if I didn’t already put in money for her son. We  don’t live together yet because we’re both saving however her 1 bedroom apartment that I spend the night in just to be with her…. Has me scared about our future. 

She cosleeps with her son every single night and tells me she’s gonna put him first regardless of how I feel about not wanting to cosleep which I understand. If he wants to cosleep, she will readily move for him to cosleep. I’ve seen this happen every night. He’s 6 and has severe asthma and he wakes up almost every single night because of his breathing and from a recent sleep study we also found out he has sleep apnea which makes matters worst. Because of this, she cosleeps every night and he literally depends on it to go to sleep it drives me crazy despite understanding I still feel lonely in my relationship because of this. We could be cuddling having sex, the second he barges in, “okay baby mommy’s coming” which impacts me because your child comes first but whew, idk how many more of those I can take when we actually move in. What’s wrong with a baby monitor to check on his breathing at night and enforce sleeping in his own bed. the second he sees her sleeping with me, cuddling with her midday, he pushes me off and asks me to move. We could be cuddling together comfortable and relaxed, he’ll come barge in between us asking me to move so he could be next to mommy I literally just move to another space because of this and she claims I move everytime he comes around or wants to be up under her and I’m fucked up for that but it’s like he literally asks me to move and makes me so uncomfortable just to be next to you. 

Then if he sees us laying together at night he has to make sure “are you gonna sleep with me?” “Are you gonna get in the bed with me” She does explain to me if she had more than 1 bed room she wouldn’t co sleep even though the couple of first nights he gets his own room will be tough and she may give in which I understand as kids need time for change to take place and try to test boundaries. My whole thing is… let’s say I do get a 2 bedroom maybe even a house with her. I’ve already tried to talk about separate living because I’m not too fond of living with her son esp in this 1 bedroom and she asked me to move in but I literally have no privacy, space, or even space for my belongings. Her asking me that is a reflection of how this relationship feels, it’s only space for her and her son but my feelings and shit come after that always. I talked about separate living but she says she doesn’t want separate living with her partner as that isn’t ideal for her but I just don’t know how long she will give in to him wanting to cosleep and I’m not paying bills outside of my mother house for the first time with the inability to sleep in my own room because of him. Even if she says she won’t if he gets his own space… with his condition and his whining, I don’t see her making the necessary actions to ensure he’s comfortable and adjusted to his new space. I see her giving in. fear is she’ll give in and he’ll cosleep with us for years causing me to sleep on the floor in a space I pay my own bills. 

And to make matters worst, before me and her son had a good bond and I was always babysitting but I guess the step parent blues has soured our relationship. From differing parenting styles, spoiling the child the way I never would, I think he’s starting to see my feelings regarding her parenting come out against him or he feels threatened because I don’t want to cosleep anymore like I used to and I take him away from her. 

her son was very mean for Christmas, he doesn’t listen when I tell him to throw his plate away, he ignores me, when I sing he asks me, “can you just be quiet,” he pulled my hair (I have long hair so ouch), he literally bucked at me when she wasn’t looking and he has been pushing me to the side whenever he sees me close to his mom and sometimes she will say “be nice to him you wouldn’t like that if somebody did it to you” but it’s just so annoying having to go through because sometimes I just want to spend time with her without being annoyed to death by him. I know these are things you go through dating a single parent I know I know I can still be annoyed. And my god is his entitlement and privilege annoying as hell and she enables it. I think I’m starting to resent him and I hate myself for it. I just have fears about how he will turn out getting everything he wants and how it’s going to affect my lifestyle. After she said that I told her, I will never buy him anything else for Christmas or anything.. birthday but that’s it. We got him all these toys… even the the night before Christmas Eve she was trying to get him a toy he told Santa too late about. It’s like I have to tell her “it’s okay for kids not to have everything they want” she told her therapist she feels like she overcompensates for him because he doesn’t have a dad and she wants to be enough as a parent but shit it’s affecting me. He got all that shit for Christmas and complained because he didn’t like the type of VR mommy got him even more he was asking for more toys after opening all his presents despite the fact that she paid over $400 too and I know kids don’t understand the struggle of money but my god is it hard to watch a kid I’m supposed to be helping raise be so ungrateful and she continues to go out of her way to get him what he wants. He’ll be like “mommy throw this away for me” “okay bubba” “mommy get me some juice” “okay bubba” it’s like I’m choosing to tolerate a little guy who’s stealing the joy of my relationship and my wife. The night of Christmas Eve we were all tired coming from her mom’s house and we had wrapped all these presents for him and got on the road around 12ish. He expresses he wants McDonald’s and boy was the McDonald’s line long of course she gets in for him it despite us all being tired… we got in that line for an hour and never got food because they never came out and the whole time it was chicken nuggets in the house and he never ate anything when we got in the house and if it were me, I would have said no you can’t have McDonald’s eat the chicken nuggets in the fricking house I wanted to go home the entire time. I feel like she puts his wants before way too fucking much without considering how I feel and idk I know this is all over the place but I’m so tired I just feel like it’s best we don’t move in until her son is way older and less dependent, less of a nuisance but he’s 6 I’ve read stories bout kids cosleeping until fucking 12 and with his condition I don’t know if she’ll be strong enough to let him sleep on own. Idk Reddit, tell me if it’s it worth it to choose to live with them for my near future. Tell me if any of this is worth it. 
 

I posted this on Reddit but was waiting on account approval to post here. I still feel as though I need advice. I did figure out next steps which was to make strict boundaries if we were to move in.

My goal is when we’re in a good headspace is to tell her I don’t mind planning on moving in with her  however I will not move in unless these boundaries are respected by her and him

1) I will not be sleeping on the floor or with him ever especially in a place I’m paying bills he needs to sleep in own bed no exceptions unless sick or a cute movie night once a month. From the time we move in, I want these boundaries enforced immediately. No exceptions. I don’t even want his asthma problems to kick me out the bed (but I fear she may literally start sleeping in his bed if she asks and that I can’t control; my hope is that she maybe rocks him to bed and comes back to our bed,  I don’t mind that at all)

2) he is not allowed in our room or bed EVER. I need a child free zone that I know nothing will be touched or fucked up because it’s been countless times my shit has been moved or touched by him and I’m frustrated cus I can’t find my shit. He has stolen my charger and fucked them up. I just want a space where he can’t enter. I need to know there’s a space for me to unwind without a kid barging in because mommy allows it and she feels sorry for him.

3) we need separate bathrooms because of the numerous times I was rushed out the bathroom because he acts as if he can’t hold his bladder. I say this because he literally peed himself this week at his grandma house because I wouldn’t get out the guest bathroom despite knowing it was 2 other bathrooms in her house he could use. I genuinely think he did this on purpose to make me look bad because as soon as he peed himself he blamed me and said it was my fault because I wouldn’t get out the bathroom… like I said he’s been mean to me lately and when I had literally starting peeing when he started banging on the door… I’m not dealing with that shit in my own house. I genuinely can’t. I was raised with two bathrooms and never had to rush out of a bathroom, it’s just ridiculous. 

4) if i can’t have any of that when we move in, we need to do separate living until he can become less dependent on you. If you cannot do separate living for right now and don’t see yourself enforcing the boundaries, then I guess there’s my deal breaker. 

Are these boundaries reasonable?