Why do they make it impossible?
Hello,
I have a 43 year old stepdaughter. Her father and I have been married 11 years. His late wife passed away years before we met. Hubby tried to get her to attend grief counseling, but she refused. She had counseling as a teenager and was so defiant, that the counselor had to end the therapy sessions because she wouldn't take her medication. My DH says she was diagnosed as having OCD, ODD, and borderline personality disorder. I have tried to reach out to her, but she self-sabotages the relationship. If I don't agree with everything she or her husband says or does, I am the bad guy. She's paranoid about me "keeping dad away from the grandkids" but hardly calls her father. Mixed messages, blame, and general chaos accompany her.
I needed to vent, because I am just tired of this circus. God help me because there are days, when I simply can't stand her. Holidays are always hard, thanks to her highs and lows. It's to the point, that I dread interacting with her. I have gone low contact as much as possible, and I do not discourage her father from seeing her. I just don't know what else to do.
She has "OCD, ODD, and
She has "OCD, ODD, and borderline personality disorder" and has labeled you the bad guy. There's not a damn thing you can do except insulate your life/home/mental peace from her. Her dad can see her separate from you and your home.
Stay as detached as possible
Be civil and polite, there's not much else you can do. Encourage your DH to see her, talk to her, whatever. These toxic people.....I have a toxic SD, too. Sigh.....
Low/no contact is the best
Low/no contact is the best thing to do. She will forever see herself as the victim and will blame anyone but herself. That's my SD too.
Dont try to make it make sense because it doesn't. This is your DH's relationship to handle.
Disengagement is your friend
Just keep yourself apart. But also cover yourself, in case anything happens to DH.
There are a number of books
There are a number of books out there about dealing with BPD personalities. If you haven't already, it might be a good idea to read one. And, like others have said, work to detach as much as possible from her. You just can't win with these people (as you know)
Why do people tolerate human shit in their lives?
These rancid toxic failed adult breeding experiments would not be tolerated if they were just random assholes encountered in life, so why do so many tolerate their mate's effluent pubic sputum just because they happen to be the shit stuck to the shoe of a partner? Particularly the adults. Kids are one thing. Adults there are no excuses for.
So many seem to coddle, cajole, embrace, and tolerate when ripping the putrid spines out of the sadly still live carcasses and calling out the failed parents and their publicly and privately rancid failed family adult progeny is what should happen.
I get the heart break, the irritation, and the associated depression. What I don't get is why any of this crap is tolerated at all by anyone. I think calling them out immediately, publicly, and repeatedly is a far better option than anything that in any way tolerates their crap. I think 24/7 recording and video devices with nightly toxic behavior recording review with the parents of these spawn so that the delusional parent mates are kept in touch with clarity. Then when they are surprised at the refusal to be within infectious proximity to their parental failures the gas lighting can be immediately ended about it being the SP and not the rancid failed family refuse.
Just say no is a very powerful message when the gas lighting and DARVO crap starts. It needs to end. Immediately.
IMHO of course.
Low to no contact is the way
Low to no contact is the way to go. The advice above is solid- research DSM-5 and Cluster B personality disorders. From what I am gathering from my own research is they cause a whirlwind tornado of issues, drop it on the people or person that they have painted "black", and never have the insight or hold themselves accountable - these type of people fully blame the problems on others. If you find yourself being blamed it's very TEMPTING to state your case with facts, reason and logic behind it. Realize now that it DOES NOT MATTER. They are caught up in their feelings and those become the only facts. There's a bit of science coming out about people with BPD having active limbic systems and showing highly active amydalas...alas this stuff is crazy making and most important is to understand as a wonderful person pointed out above don't try to "make it make sense." You can't. Stay away, let DH handle his lovely SD.
Agreed.
You are right! What you have described reminds me of OSD and a damaging lie she told about me. Although DH and I both knew it was a lie, he stated, "It's her reality." My question to him was, "How do you deal with someone who does not have a grasp on reality?" He had no answer. I have since learned you don't deal with them; as you mentioned, their feelings are facts. The answer for us was to go no contact.
The 4 components of Cluster B are fascinating to research. I have a friend who is currently getting her DNP in psych; we have had some lively discussions. I love learning.
You can't fix stupid but baring its ass is critical.
Which is whay I am full frontal in their face beat the shit out of them with the facts, truth, and reality. When they go all fee fees on something, that is when you grab them by the scruff of their idiot necks and scrub their noses in the stinking stain of their lies and delusions not allowing them to infect others with their idiocy and toxicity.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
It has worked well for us in dealing with the toxic opposition and in regulating and containing the self delusional whiny fee fee crap from various members of extended family.
Zero tolerance works. Tolerate no bullshit, correct their fee fees with fact, and never deviate from that framework. Force them to change or they suffer. Their choice.
We have lived a wonderful joyful life by not allowing them to interfere. Their lives have generally been some state of misery driven by their choices and our zero tolerance for that crap.
Living well is the what we owe ourselves and is also the best example to set for others. Just as importantly, it is also the best revenge.
We have never tolerated the whole "My truth" or "My reality" bullshit. And we never will. There is just reality, and THE truth and THE facts. There is not individual adaptations of those things. Anything but THE truth, THE facts, and actual reality is just fee fees, self delusion, or toxic manipulation.
IMHO of course.