Do these SKIDs pay your bills or enhance your life in anyway (per @Lilywy00)
This was submitted by Lillywy00 after responding to @Greyskies on a blog. Her answer stopped me dead in my tracks and made me rewind to see if this was my reality. Curious to other stepparents responses to Lilwy00 question:
Simple.... do these skids pay any of your bills or enhance your life in anyway?
My answer is no- defintely do not pay my bills, infact they have only made things much more expensive even plunging us into debt a couple times do to very poor choices and to some extent financially abusing us through different systems. As for enhancing my life in anyway also no. I have had the occassional "shout out" of acknolwedgement- not a thank you but just that you do exist, I can think of ONE time during a graduation where I had an announcement with my name attached to DHs and I typically get a dog bowl as a xmas present if I recieve one but that is quite literally it in all this time.
How about you?
No to the bills. Yes, to enhancing my life. In many ways.
He was a minor child. He had no duty to pay our bills. Like any other minor child.
I do completely agree that Skidults/Kidults, that are not enhancing our lives significantly or paying a shit ton of money for a presence in our lives, have no place. Even when they are our own children or our SOs.
Earn a place with reasonable behavior, or earn being ejected from anything to do with our lives.
IMHO
As children- yeah SKIDs don't
As children- yeah SKIDs don't owe us to pay bills but SKID-adults who try to use us typically also don't contribute anything nor do they ask "hey you're putting on this big dinner, do you want us to bring an appetizer?" However, bioparents should be the primary budgeter for SKID affairs it should NOT be expected for a stepparent to take this on unless they volunteer to (IMHO.) Also yes, not enhancing life its time to cut losses- thanks @Rags.
Yes!
I, too, read this. I, too, took note!
No, they do not pay bills and no they do not add value to my life. Quite the opposite, they affect my life in a negative way. If my husband was not as awesome as he is, I would have left a long time ago.
Same @Trudie. It's a negative
Same @Trudie. It's a negative experience for me too and the only reason I stick around is because I love DH, but these SKIDs make sure to zap any fun whatsoever out of any situation and squander resources.
I know I don't often talk
I know I don't often talk about my stepparent part of my life. It's because I don't. I don't stepparent, never have. Coming into it I used my sons life w/ a stepparent as my guide and I didn't do those things I saw done at his dads house that hurt him. So my answer would be no and yes. No he doesn't pay our bills but yes he does enhance our lives.
And as an additional point, because we are aging and often need help with a couple of things we did easily in our younger years, when asked does he show up? again the answer is yes. as does my younger son and his wife.
But the approach of "do they pay your bills or enhance your life in any way?" is a good way to take the weeds out of all portions of our lives.
Wise words @AgedOut- agreed,
Wise words @AgedOut- agreed, this approach can be used in any part of our lives. When @Lilywy00 wrote this - I had to read it twice, the words smacked me right into a sobering reality. It was a moment of deep clarity.
I was the same and went
I was the same and went through my mental rolodex and used it on people who hover in my life but don't really participate. I think it's a good way to look at the people breathing up all your good air.
This was submitted by
One thing I love about STalk is the many moments I have been "stopped in my tracks" by what others have written. To say that the insight shared here is invaluable is truly an understatement!
The dog bowl as xmas gifts. I will always chuckle (in a disgusted sort of way) over that one. You can't make it up.
Never did anything but make our financial situation worse (back in the good ole days). They, especially SD, have been grifting gift-grabbing goons. Enhanced my life in any possible way? Oh, hell no. They seriously caused quite a bit of pain and suffering--the kind I NEVER would have tolerated from anyone else. My only regret is not latching the locks when I closed the doors on visits (for the most part) over 10 years ago. Why did I think it was possible that they would change?
We are totally locked down now. I'm so regretful that we didn't do this much much sooner. These people are so so awful.
It's tough...
...when not all are "so so awful". Only OSD qualifies and she is out of the picture thankfully. The rest are just not my people, that makes it tougher.
I am sorry you have had to deal with the awful, from all fronts, for so many years. I am so happy that you are now in a good place!
Yep - the wisdom on this
Yep - the wisdom on this sight is GOLD, a true treasure @Morningmia.
The dog bowl...I've realized it's really to appease DH and to let me know that the dog is worth more than me. That's all it is. I have small collection. In stark contrast they will purchase a gigantic over-the-top purchase for DH - The presents are typically large in size. It is always something very specific to him (it can not be misconstrued as a joint gift) and then after all the FUN they throw me an unwrapped dog bowl. I bet that is probably even MORE delightful for them.
Well...the surprise is on them- I've changed all my assets and everything I own to my favorite cutest nieces. They are under the impression that what's mine will be theirs. I do plan to save the dog bowls and that will be what they inherit back from me.
As for latching the locks sooner- I get THIS. 10+ years of revolving doors, boomrangs back in and out of the house - finally we have moved far away and got an ours house that we both selected and NO SKID has access or keys or codes - it's incredible and I have never felt better about this boundary. Congrats to you and to me!
Well...the surprise is on
I LOVE the dog bowl plan! To be a fly on the wall . . .
Yea, my assets are going to nieces and nephews and animal charities.
Congrats to us! We have always lived at least 8 hours away from the skids, which helped immensely (DH originally lived 30 minutes away from them and BM moved. . . and DH got blamed for "abandonment." Go figure). I don't think I would be married (to DH) had we ever lived any closer to the ingrates and their crazy mom.
I'd fill it with snacks or
I'd fill it with snacks or candy for their next visit. Put it right smack dab in the middle of a table in whatever room they slime their way into. Then greet them w/ a smile and leave the room to finish something very very important like wrapping gifts for people who are not them.
That's a great idea- you can
That's a great idea- you can eat snacks out of the dog bowls you give me. Very creative @AgedOut. However, that would be DH having to purchase snacks I stopped doing anything besides be around when they show up. Even my lovely folks have had it - every year my folks make them holiday treats and send them to us to hand out to them. This year DH noticed there were only treats for us - he asked where the SKIDs treats were and I just shrugged. Truth is - after 10+ years of being kind in a non-receprocated way (not even a thank you or acknowledgment) they have finally given up too. I actually appeciate them stopping these nice acts towards the SKIDs - why do something over and over and be ignored?
I thing this also effects bio kids
No SK don't pay my bills, in fact I give them money each month. SD comes up with reason , why she is low on money. She is getting it alll after my going anyway.
Harry, maybe you ought to
Harry, maybe you ought to consider giving the SK the equal amount of inheritance that they deserve. I decided to apply the equal amount of effort, time and care. If there was 0 effort, time and care then maybe they deserve 0 inheritance? There's plenty of good causes out there to donate to!
I would rather see your money
I would rather see your money go to the miniature sand castle building society, or all willed to a specific poodle.
LOL I actually love the idea
LOL I actually love the idea of a minature sand castle building society- that might be exactly where things need to go!
"Well SD I wish I could help
"Well SD I wish I could help you more but I'm putting all my extra into my community. I know you understand how important it is to put others first... "
of course my idea of "into my community" is supporting my local small business and sampling all their beers and snacks.
This sounds like a fine idea-
This sounds like a fine idea- you actually will get something out of this - food and beverage. What eats at me is the expectation that after ALL these years of indifference, behavior problems and acting like victims - adding NO VALUE to my life that somehow they would be entitled to what I have save, earned, and built. Stephell never makes sense but I am gettng more bold these days and if it's asked about when and where and how much they are getting I might just start stating the facts in front of them. Why not?
I’d be happy if ss can stop breaking things
Ss is still a minor, and I don't need or expect him to pay for our bills ever. I'd just be happy if he can stop breaking things at home. He had scratched my car (unintentionally) when it was just bought brand new parked in the garage. Broke DH's expensive coffee maker. Slashed a few nice wine flutes of mine. And just last weekend, kicked the bathroom door, broke a picture frame on the wall, and a dent on the wall as well. He also had almost caused fire using a microwave, and likes to play with lighters in the bathroom.
I personally can't see how he enhanced my life. And if I'm being honest, I think my recently diagnosed cancer is all due to living with him....sigh.
Yep...we had a LOT of
Yep...we had a LOT of destruction of property and some of it was pretty obviously done. Punching holes in walls, doors and even running a body into freshly done dry wall. For what reason? None. Be careful with yourself - if your health is failing because of these people that's really too big a toll @EveryoneLies.
How old is he?!
How old is he?!
Mine was destructing from
Mine was destructing from ages 11 - 21...that's about the time I started pushing back and the invites to come home were DONE. Not sure about @everyonelies...sounds like SKID is still young and in the house.
Yes, they enhance my life. It
Yes, they enhance my life. It wasn't so in the beginning, but once the SDs realized that BioHo was lying and that I wasn't the monster she claimed, things improved greatly. I was SD28's MOH and acted as MOG for SS25 (and am now grandmother to his baby boy!). SD31 has said many times in the 2 last years that she wishes I was her bio mother and said she wished I could adopt her.
I know this isn't the norm for most STalk members, but am happy to be proof that it sometimes works out.
Wow!
That is truly wonderful and amazing! I wish there were more outcomes like yours.
Agreed- @aniki-moderator what
Agreed- @aniki-moderator what keeps you on this steplife site? Is it the scars from the past? Happy about where you were and how things have changed? What keeps your interest peaked here - most of us are here because it's stephell STILL. P.S.- I love your wisdom and am glad you stayed on here with us !
What keeps me? Maybe a
What keeps me? Maybe a STalker or two might benefit from my experience and advice and that stephell can actually change into a happy blend. When I joined 10+ years ago, my marriage was in jeopardy. Today, DH and I are stronger than ever and I have the miracle of this family and love of these kids that I never thought possible.
So... to give hope.
Love it and love that you are
Love it and love that you are giving back @Aniki-Moderator. Thank you !
(No subject)
It does sometimes work out.
Your SKids won the SParent lottery with you Aniki.
While nowhere near as complex as your SParent journey has been, I did win the SKid lottery and more importantly we both won the lottery with his mom. She refused to fail in life, moved hell and high water to make a life for him and herself, and when she and I found each other and she chose me to be his dad, we all won with the family that we are. +/- anyway.
All things considered.
I agree with both of you. The
I agree with both of you. The good ones can happen but even though often have hiccups and rough spots.
I probably don't belong here but once upon a time I was a solo mom of two and lost in a world of meeting people, men who had kids, men who didn't get that I had kids. The dating pool was shallow. Them Match dot com becamse a tihng and here we are 20+ years later. My SS and I have had small speed bumps. I tried to be open minded because an only child was suddenly a part of a family that included my two .
I stay here for two reasons:
1. I've been a married mom, divorced mom whose son had a stepmom, married again mom, divorced again mom whose other son then had a SM and now just an older lady whose life became a nice quiet drive. I have experience out the wazoo from all the sides of the step parenting puzzle box.
2. I really like you folks and have grown to consider you cousins of a sort and I'd miss you all too much!
AgedOut, literally days after
AgedOut, literally days after DH and I reconnected, we were matched on Match dot com!
With experience comes wisdom. Sharing that can be priceless.
It will be 15 years next year that SS/we aged out from under the CO and the line was drawn for full exclusion/disengagement from the shallow and toxic side of his gene pool. It took a few more years for him to figure it out as an independent adult decision.
I stay here to listen, participate, and provide my experience as a point of reference for those still fighting through the smog of SParenting. Though our son is long launched and doing well in his life, I am still married to a BP and I am an SP. That has some variables that do upon occasion arise that are somewhat unique at all phases of a blended family marriage and life. So, I also get support for my journey from all of the STalkers.
Even great relationships have occasional hiccoughs and having access to the wisdom of this community is and has been a huge help for me any number of times over the years.
Lovely @agedout - I believe I
Lovely @agedout - I believe I am headed towards life becoming a nice quiet drive. Yes to these wonderful people (including you) being cousins of sorts - rock solid foundational advice, it's been an incredibly rich and vibrant community. i appreciate everyone here !
I hate to be so blunt, but
I hate to be so blunt, but thats a big resounding NO on both counts! This is not the way I want to feel , but there is no way around denying it anymore.
There was time when I would care about SD30's opinions, then I realized that they dont pay my bills and never have ( the same applies to anyone else who has an unsolitced advice about MY life. I am at the point when I will straight up ask them WHICH one of my bills will they be paying . None? Thats what I thought) Even though SD is coming off now like I should care that much about her own unwarranted opinions of what I should be doing with my time no matter if she "means well" That doesnt matter to me for Zip anymore. I hope she doesnt hold her breath waiting for me to give a shit.
oooohhh do I understand your
oooohhh do I understand your standpoint @LIttleTypeAmy - we had a little bit of one adult SS sticking his nose in trying to understand our finances and then telling us that "X is too expensive for you to spend on." Or being shocked at a purchase of you name the thing - vehicle, house, etc. Each time it would happen I'd sit there in disbelief - this is the guy that didn't even budget for his wedding, bought a pet he couldn't afford flushing thousands of dollars down the drain and didn't even maintain a very good vintage vehicle we paid 1/2 for. He's fallen into some small large lumps of money (not due to his work or his own creation.) Now suddenly he's got his big pants on and knows what we can and cannot afford...lawrd help us! Yep, tell SD to zip her lips. My believe is deep down SKIDs think any $ that is spent is big old daddio's, they sort of forget that SM may have come in with something too - in my case more than DH. They also might just assume what's SM is theirs and what's theirs is theirs. The first part of that statement is FALSE.
Once again, are they ALL like
Once again, are they ALL like this?! SS as a teen complained to me about the brand of "expensive" toilet paper his father was buying, as if "how dare him!" This coming from the kid with the long showers, turning heat up while opening windows, filing for bankruptcy in his mid-20's, a house close to foreclosure (it went for a short sale) before he hit 30, massive college loans, etc.
The nasty judgemental tone in his voice (about toilet paper, of all things) could have warranted a faceslap, but I am not a violent person. I informed him that *I* bought the toilet paper. (stfu.) He was visibly angry when he saw the new house we bought a number of years ago, and had little to do with us for a few years after that.
Part of it, I believe, is that in their minds, all (or 90%) of our money should go to them (including the SMs cash). And another part is this sense of entitlement driven by their "poor" mothers who have suffered so greatly. . . the other false narrative.
@Morning Mia...what kind of
@Morning Mia...what kind of rational person actually thinks about let alone makes a stink about something so trivial as toilet paper. Thats as bad as the sourdough bread thing ( if i recall correctly that was you with the SD) What is wrong with these so called adults? I think most of them are like this, like they are mass produced. Who is SS or anyone to dictate your personal finances, when his are obviously in the shitter as it seems? Its like it doesnt compeltely dawn on them that they need to get their own houses in order before putting in their cheap two cents about anything.
Yep @morningmia...seems like
Yep @morningmia...seems like another factory model SKID trait that many of us get subjected to. The nasty judgmental tone...it's gross. Here's one for you - in FRONT of my parents adult SKID directly asks ME how "I am going to handle generational wealth." The underlying assumption is it's my duty to make sure they are taken care of....ummm NO, no it's not. That one really burned me until I realized they have no control over me whatsoever.
(No subject)
" They also might just assume
" They also might just assume what's SM is theirs and what's theirs is theirs. The first part of that statement is FALSE. "
Same here too..and I cant help but feel more anxious about whats to come down the line if DH passes before I do. or when he gets ill. I can see SD crawling out from her Rock acting like I will be obligated to leave her or involve her with any of MY assets that I have worked my butt off for while she sits on her ass sucking on the state government Teet or working on her back to "earn" anything or Lord knows whatever means.. The girl cant even get her own finances together as well as her life, yet thinks I am going to accept her advice? 'd sooner trust an actual Rock to handle my affairs before she gets one say in it. Its best she does mind her own affairs for a chance instead of involving herself and as well as yours in things that are not her decision , The thing is she doesnt know how NOT to...ive seen signs of that a mile away.
Totally gross @LittleTypeAmy
Totally gross @LittleTypeAmy that she thinks YOU have any ethical duty to her as an independent adult who treated you with disrespect all these years - yes they will crawl from under the rock to see what they can grab so make sure those wills, trusts and contracts between you and DH are iron-clad TIGHT. Also read my comment to @morningmia above about an expectation that was placed on me infront of my folks and was so wholly inappropriate but a great insight into the working minds of these very self-centered dysfunctional SKIDs who are always using, abusing and attempting to take advantage. I am so done with it.
!
@ImperfectlyPerfect, @MorningMia, @Little Type Amy I have read your comments with interest! Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Just yuck!
I have made sure that my assets will go to the right people...my kids!
@Trudie For me it ALL starts
@Trudie For me it ALL starts with DH (trouble putting down healthy boundaries and saying no to SKIDs when they were children) and society (allowing and even the abusive treatment of SM.)
I think in part it's the
I think in part it's the "poor little child of divorce" identity pounded into their heads by their ever-suffering <eyeroll> mothers (and I do not mean the real single moms out there who get by with little to no support). "He owes us" seems to be the mantra. Then when "she" joins "he," we magically owe them, too. That's the only answer I can come up with. When guilty dads play into this, well . . .