My SO doesn't want to go to his family's Thanksgiving because his mom is out of the country. I was like "Really? You sure?" Desperately trying to hide my happiness. Some of his family are loyal to BM2 and treat me like crap so I'm thrilled not to go. I'm sure we will do Christmas, but it's only a few hours so I make nice. Nobody in SO's family knows about SD25's pregnancy (she's nearly 6 months along!) so i'm sure he is avoiding dealing with that. I doubt she will come to town but who knows. Drama will ensue if so. Drama will probably ensue anyway, so i'll prepare my mental popcorn. 

I know exactly what you mean about the holiday dread and depression.  For years, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with it.  To top it off, my birthday is about a week before Christmas, right when the crazy is amping up most.

I do a few things, not that its the total cure.  I clear the decks for November and December - no projects, doctor appts, maintenance, anything I can put off.  I've got the Christmas giving down to $, no shopping.  I actively try to focus on the positives like the lights, my tree, the music.  I lavishly celebrate my birthday.

We will still hear SD63's whining, complaining and manipulating.  There will still be some emergency.  I will still have to go somewhere I don't want to go.

December 26 is not far away - day of total relief 

Can you all start a new tradition of going away for the holidays (or at least one holiday)? Maybe a change of scenery can help? Doing something different? 

It's so discouraging that so many of these situations result in crappy, bluesy holidays. BM here as well as the skids always used the holidays to try to hurt us. It worked well early on. Emotionally, I'm detached from it. DH has gotten better, but he's still not "there." He says he doesn't like the holidays because it's a time people use to hurt each other. Well, yea, if you let them. It's been a long time. 

My DH is in full pining mode too. He's always struggled with the holidays and I've learned to do my own thing. This was SD's big season to be in charge of gift giving--DH received his instructions and he complied. I messed that up because I wanted a say in how my money was spent. But now that she is not speaking to him, she gets no gifts or cash.

SS is unemployed and yet too busy to visit. He's been too busy for 10 years. DH went to his house last year while I stayed with my family. Neither of us wants to make that long trip again.

DH suggested that we take a long weekend and go somewhere. I'm ok with that but I'm not ok doing all the planning and prep.

I'll admit I still carry some resentment for all those years we made the pilgrimage to Skidville, where I could be ignored. If we did go to my family, it was only after the Skidville nonsense. All of that energy, all of that money has resulted in abandonment for DH. He was right--if he stopped dancing to their tune they wouldn't want him around. It's so sad  

We have the nutcracker ballet and a boat parade holiday crafting markets...Im going to try to get myself out there for all I can.

Plus Ive got a whole ceramic village I need to set up

We have a new puppy as of August, and Im thinking Im going to schedule a photo sesh and use it as a holiday card. Going to make sugar substitue treats for those I know with health issues. Take a walk down candy cane lane, maybe drag my mom in the car too.

Holiday blues tends to drag me down too low, but Im expecting it and going to fight it...

We are no contact with SD25 Feral Forger and SD18 Princess Powersulk doesnt come around anymore...

We are all in holiday people. Even when there is some bluesy goings on orbiting around.  Rather than isolate ourselves we either do something fun and adventurous together (a road trip to Tahoe, a holiday trip with friends, a Friends Gathering somewhere, etc...) Or we make our very noticeable presence felt at the extended family gatherings that are at some level intended to be used to exclude us.  We go, we go big, we go tall, we go proud, we go radiantly, and we make sure that the bright light of living our best lives sends the roaches scurrying for the dark shadows in the corners while we bust "dance floor" moves that stomp and crunch the roaches who fail to reach the corners in time because they tried to stand their toxic ground a little too long.

It works. It does not always leave us entirely unscathed by their crap, but what it most assuredly does do is make sure that they know that we know what they are up to and so will everyone else.

The mopey pout photos of a gathering we decline because were are doing our best us's make for some classic chuckles in counter point to our own photos of the kool stuff, great friends, and the quality family members we are holiday-ing with.  Even if we stay home, we make it special for ourselves. 

One primary memory of this is the mother of a long gone BIL (I do not recall if it was BIL1 or BIL2) GF scowling at my DW during a visit to SpermLand for the holidays.  No words, just a clear disdain for my super model tall, radiant, kind hearted, stunning beautiful successful rock star bride.  Over the next several months the GF's mom toxic fixation on my DW unfolded. "No one needs to spend money on that stuff!".  Nice clothes, jewelry, purses, shoes, cars, etc...   We were a two professional income graduate degreed household and family who live well below our means.  We always have and still do. 30 years into our marriage.  They were a large kid count family with an unearned superiority complex who had a committed need to judge and attempt to undermine anyone who did not emulate their lifestyle.  Our give a shit was zero.  They faded away long ago.  Occasionally we see them around the town square at a holiday celebration but beyond that they were and remain castoffs on life's journey. 

If we are involved with a gathering that includes "those people" we make sure to treat them as we do everyone else as far as gifts, etc... is concerned.  Unless they make the very unpleasant mistake of going toxic. Then, it is game on.  Interestingly, when the well behaved decent people present are enjoying and we are enjoying spending time together the roaches mope and grimace, and stand scowling with their arms crossed tapping their little roach clawed feet on the floor slightly separated from those enjoying themselves.  Even when gifts are being opened and they get a nice gift from us.  The quality people beam ,are appreciative and interface positively. The roaches scowl as they open and observe their gifts.  Interestingly, they show up in pictures just after New Years wearing the gift we gave, or otherwise enjoying the gift we presented. Of course with no mention that it was from us.  Everyone else they will thank and mention when photographically presenting themselves enjoying a gift from anyone but us. But no mention of us. Which is fine.  We know, they know, and so does everyone else who was present.  Interestingly, so does everyone else in their small town who was not present. Because the decent people present make sure the grape vine knows which means everyone knows.

Picture this wearing a Santa Hat!

Our preference is for "those people" to enjoy themselves as well. Though, that for some reason almost never seems to be the case.

Celebrate the holidays together as part of living your best life together.  Do not sacrifice even a picosecond to the roaches.  Choose joy, choose happiness, choose you.  Let "those people" wallow in their misery.

The holidays have changed so much over the past few years. Couple of my kids now live out of state and unfortunately they stay local now. I do understand obligations now to their spouses. My daughter splits time now with her SO family and my ex and his family. Steps have never spent a holiday with us. DH has accepted finally that they never intend to ever do that. 
We do spend Thanksgiving with his very large family and their kids. But I think DH is starting to feel  like third wheel in that all his sibs and their kids are together and he and I are not with ours. I've accepted it.  It's not a bad thing, just different. 
Of course I always had a big Christmas with my immediate family until a few years ago and that all ended. It left much grief and I don't need to repeat it here.  Surprisingly my monster of a brother called me a few weeks ago. ??!!!!  No message was left. I have no intention of ever speaking to him again. But I do wonder why he called? 
Christmas last year was me and H, dsughter and her SO had early brunch with us. I didn't mind it actually.  This year I imagine something similar. At my age I'm happy to be alive and do things that make me happy. I don't need others to do that for me anymore. I feel peaceful going into the holidays. Hope it lasts. Lol. 

Some nice hotels do a holiday feast, have holiday packages, and do a very nice holiday experience.  Carroling, great food, wonderful service, etc....

This option allows people to be festive with others who are also being festive and with no baggage nipping at them during the holiday.

Look at the options in your area of reasonably close to your area.  Get a nice room in the resort hotel, dress nicely, enjoy the foody experience, have some cocktails, enjoy the service and interfacing with those creating the magic and celebrating.

It is easy to wallow in the peripheral drama. It is just as easy to move past it, engage in the best of the season, and leave those creating the drama to their machinations.

Now that SDiablas and my bios are adults Dh and I are planning some get-aways with just the two of us.

We're staying put for Thanksgiving because travel is such a hassle on the actual holiday week. I plan to enjoy the day with DH and my bios.

There WILL inevitably be drama this week. BM and both Diablas are back in town for the holiday but I expect to steer clear of it. The diablas should be having Thanksgiving dinner with BM so I don't think they will have the opportunity to ruin the day of.

I have learned to keep my mouth shut and rarely mention SD's to DH. This has cut down significantly on disagreements with DH. There is no opportunity to make me the scapegoat or meat shield. Diablas behavior, words and actons are in stark contrast to my silence. The Diablas could be building a tower out of matches and pouring on gasoline in order to light the house on fire and I simply ignore and ask DH if he could go pull up our homeowner's insurance policy to see if arson via Diablas is covered?

I hate it, but oh! How I remember the dread that would come on me for MONTHS prior to the season...

I'm hoping despite all the feelings that are dredged up for you, that there will be some reason for joy and celebration.

So very grateful this is no longer MY LIFE.

even though we have actually not physically seen either of them since Christmas 2019.  During 2020 and 2021, we had Covid as an excuse not to see them.  It was so peaceful.  We reveled in the joy of the season.  We received a couple of 2-line emails wishing us a Merry Christmas.

In November of 2022, YSD recruited OSD (her flying monkey) to tag team with her on a conference call to my DH, where the two of them proceeded to verbally abuse him and say disparaging things about me, in an effort to guilt him into changing his will.  After that debacle, we didn't feel motivated to try to set up a Holiday visit with either of them then either.  Instead, my DH sent YSD a handwritten letter calling her out on her bad behavior and setting boundaries for their relationship going forward, as per our lawyer's advice.  She replied with a non-apologetic letter and tried to justify her badgering him about our will.  She wished him a happy life and all the best in 2023.   At that point, I said that I am done trying to support his relationship with them.  I cannot accept their abuse of him.  He FINALLY agreed: "When people show you who they are, believe them." 

So, even though we are currently "limited contact" with both Skids, it scares me that they will come out of the woodwork once again, and try to love-bomb and manipulate him into thinking that their intentions are pure.  I mean, what better time to do that, then during the Holidays, when every heart should feel warm and fuzzy?  Every year, this time of the year makes me anxious.   Even when they are not really in our lives, they are still weighing heavy on my mind.  I think it's a form of PTSD.