At Wits End with Step-Kid Mental Health Issues
I'm sorry if this post belongs in a different forum. I'm new here and I'm still trying to figure out how everything works.
So, as the title suggests, I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. Both of my "step-kids" (quotes because their father and I are not actually married) have severe mental health issues. I've been pushing their dad for the past 4 years to get the kids into counseling and begging him to talk to a doctor. Last year, he finally took my advice and put his daughter in therapy (intermittently - she's had 6 appointments in a year) and on medication for her anxiety and depression. Finally, after one of step son's rage meltdowns (throwing things, threatening sons own life, screaming, threatening our lives) earlier this year, he agreed to put his son in therapy because during that meltdown, his son (who even at 11 is bigger than me) came down the hallway at me like he was going to hurt me and I got scared.
In the past two weeks we had three serious episodes with these kids that have left me trying to maintain a tenuous hold on my own fraying mental health. Two Saturdays ago we had one kid at a psychiatric crisis center (SS 11) for suicidal threats and a full-on rage meltdown during a boy scout event - these meltdowns haven't happened in public since our son was about 5. His Bio-mom didn't show up because she "didn't want to overwhelm him" so after working a 10 hour day (bio mom refuses to work AND we still pay child support) I was with my partner and his son at the hospital until 3AM Sunday morning and had to go to work again at noon. Then on Monday we found SDs self-harm kit and confronted SD about it along with Bio-mom and step-dad. Today my partner woke me up at 6:45 (I mean this very literally), turned on the light, and as my eyes were adjusting my partner unloaded on me that his daughter has been texting him that she's being mercilessly bullied at school and didn't want to go so now he was going to have to go to the school. I wanted to go, but my partner told me, basically, it's better if I don't.
I'm struggling to cope with any of this and I haven't had a moments peace for two weeks now. I feel like I've died and gone straight to hell. When the kids aren't here, my partner and bio mom are texting and calling constantly to talk about the kids. When they're not texting and calling all he's doing is talking about the kids and their problems and their mother. Yesterday I snapped and told my partner to "put on his own oxygen mask" because he's tearing himself apart over this and he freaked out on me and told me I was being insensitive and cruel.
These kids problems are interfering with my ability to work and function at a fundamental level. My brother says he thinks I should leave, but I love my partner so much. When we don't have the kids (he has 50/50) we have a beautiful, fun, and rewarding relationship. He is caring and attentive and has said multiple times that I'm the best influence on the kids because I've spurred him to get them help and even if they don't see it or appreciate me now, they will later. I don't bank on that and when we do have the kids now, I feel so empty, scared, and alone. I feel like such an outsider....I'm trying to help and just getting mentally and emotionally eviscerated for it.
I understand that this is a stressful situation for everyone and I feel guilty for whining about how I'm feeling, but I'm just....trying to play supporting role to my partner and be strong and he keeps saying that I'm coming off as cold and uncaring.
Thanks for "listening" to me vent. Nobody in my life has kids, let alone step kids and finding this community has given me a little hope that someone might understand.
Yes, we do understand
Welcome, Winter! I'm going to go right to the point and say I think you should leave this relationship. It's not safe for you with a violent, growing stepson. Your partner might be loving and fun but he has his hands full with these kids and he hasnt been proactive about getting them help.
How much worse will all this be when they hit the teenage years? This situation is already impacting your work and mental health. Your brother is giving you good advice.
On Steptalk, we often ask, "Has he done the work?" meaning has the man established an independent life (home, child support, emotional separation from BM). When a man hasn't accomplished this, it's almost impossible for a new woman to have a good life with him. In your case, your partner hasnt "done the work" to get his kids stabilized. They are monopolizing his life and he's not ready and doesnt have the time for a new relationship. It's not fair, or healthy, for you.
It's hard, I know. But, your brother is right. I'm sorry.
Honestly.. this sounds like a
Honestly.. this sounds like a terrible situation. And, while it might seem heartless, these kids are not your responsibility. You don't have to stay in this relationship. You aren't even married to the guy. This does not sound like this will ever end up improving.. and these kids may never launch and become independent.
Maybe it's time to cut your losses and move on.
No wonder you are at your
No wonder you are at your wits' end. Nobody in the world has enough wits to handle all that. You say "When we don't have the kids (he has 50/50) we have a beautiful, fun, and rewarding relationship." but you also say he is either texting or talking to BM about all these issues, or talking to you about them. And even though you have 50/50, you say "we" pay child support, and BM doesn't work. SS11 is violent and out of control and he will continue to get bigger and stronger. YOU had to spend 4 years convincing your SO to put his kids in therapy. And you have to ask yourself, why are both of his kids either suicidal, violent, or both? If they are just now getting therapy, it's doubtful that they have developmental problems from birth. Something is very toxic here. This is a bad situation.
Many on this site (me included) will probably say leave. You are child-free. You don't need this shit. It's affecting your ability to work. You feel unsafe. All of that is true. But we also know that sometimes it takes a long time to be "done" enough to extract yourself from a bad situation. Feel free to vent and come for advice. The people here understand what you are going through.
You didn't create this situation. You can't fix it.
I also agree with your
I also agree with your brother. Leave. At the very least, get your own place to live so you don't have to be there when his kids arrive.
What are you going to do when the day comes that his son comes storming down the hallway out to get you and your partner isn't there? If the kid is out of control, you may or may not make it to the hospital ...
I agree with Winterglow -
I agree with Winterglow - think about getting your own place at least, so that you don't have to "live in hell" when his kids are with him. You can still keep the relationship going if you want - but you sound like someone at the end of their tether, to me. You need peace.
Came back to add that you
Came back to add that you told him to put on his own oxygen mask. I think he used all his and is sucking up yours too.
This is exactly what is
This is exactly what is happening. He's ripped yours off your face.
Your SO is used to the toxic
Your SO is used to the toxic and dysfunction and is expecting you to get down in the pit of despair with him. Just because he is rotting there doesn’t mean you need to. Saying your relationship is like a level of hell is pretty telling. If your closest friend were telling you these things about their relationship would you be championing them to stay?
I also came back to add a few
I also came back to add a few points.
It took YEARS of you pushing before your SO would respect your opinion enough to help his kids. If he truly respected you as a partner and if these issues have been bad enough for you to continue to push.. why didn't he address them? Did he not love his kids enough to help them? Did he not respect you enough to value your opinion?
You do mention this as if it's a "we" issue with the kids.. paying child support etc.. So, are you subsidizing him here? Are you paying fully half or more than half the bills? Does that include his CS obligation? You should be paying less of the bills because you don't have kids in the home.. he does. So, what is the split? Do you think he makes you feel valued so you will stick around and "support" him (emotionally.. financially?)
Why does he insist on making his kid's issues your problem. You had work the next day.. why could he not go to the hospital and deal with his child? Why do you get the gulag bright light treatment at the butt crack of dawn because of a problem with his child that you did not cause.. nor can you fix?
Frankly these things don't scream out supportive partner from him. There are more red flags than green ones.
We date to find oiut if people are compatible.. and that means more than just them.. it means their baggage.
Why do you want to handicap yourself for the rest of your life for the thankless task of helping him with his kids that will likely never appreciate of love you for what you do for them. Their mom will claim all credit for the good.. and ignore or deflect all bad to you. Dad will continue to be a millstone around your neck with his kids... is that truly how you want to spend the rest of your life? You CAN walk away.. no harm no foul. you don't owe him child support.. you don't owe him alimony.. it can be over.. you can grieve what could have been (but never will be possible).. and you can move on.
I looked at your bio. You are
I looked at your bio. You are only 30 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Don't spend the rest of it embroiled in this mess!!! Please, please listen to your very wise brother and leave.
Please don't waste any more time on this mess which YOU had no part in creating.
No guilt. We are all here for support and to support each other.
Deep breaths.
You may want to consider an RO/PO due to the threats to your safety. That could reduce the risk that these kids are and force far more intervention for their benefit. Get the authorities involved. I would.
It is alarming that you have had to beg, cajole, and push your SO for 4yrs to get his kids help.
Take care of you. No relationship is worth risking your own wellbeing for.
You matter. Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of SParental martyrdom to your mate and his baggage. A kid of 50% anxiety, heartbreak, and toxicity is not a life. Invest yourself in your vintner career and building your sanctuary. Destroying yourself has to stop.
IMHO of course.
It took death threats from
It took death threats from his 11 yo son to even consider that thee might be an issue? Seriously? I just can't...
All I can say is that it's time you raised your standards. You deserve so much better.. and so do his kids.
You have to have a plan to help these kids.
Not what's going on now. SK are out of control... SO is doing nothing. Only what he must. Sure Boy Scout told him not to bring SS back. You should leave, is there someplace you can stay for a few weeks? To see how this all plays out?
'There kids need help. With a MD. So they get on meds. And see how this goes,
'Most likely the kids will always be like this. Meds cut off sexual feelings so they go off meds. And circle continues for a life time
No man is worth this kind of stress, not to mention the physical
No man is worth this kind of stress, not to mention physical danger that you are in. And what kind of man waits four years to get his kids any kind of help? I know you think you love him, but it take more than love to make a relationship work. If you can't bring yourself to leave him, then get your own place and go back to dating. And that means you split your finances and you don't give him money for anything and you don't do any taking care of his kids. On the week he doesn't have them, you spend time together. The first time he contacts his ex, you end the time and send him on his way. Use the week you are away from him to really check in with yourself - I bet you find yourself feeling better when he is not around.
Yes....
This is sound, practical advice.
Winter, it is time for you to be your own best friend. Get out a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, label the left side 'Positives' and the right side "Negatives', set your timer for 10 minutes, and go! Brainstorm. Write down everything that comes to your mind, no matter how trivial it may seem. When the timer goes off, reassess. Are you going strong? If so, set that timer again...do so as many times as it takes to get it all down on paper. You may need more paper. You will know when you are done. When you are done, look at the volume of data points on each side of the paper. There is generally a clear indication of whether 'positive' or 'negative' is prevalent. Now comes the hard part. It's time to get real with yourself. Be thoughtful. Be honest. Take off the rose-colored glasses. Are the positives really positive? Are the negatives issues that you are willing to deal with long-term? When done with truth and discernment, this exercise will usually leave you with clarity. Please take action now.
I wish you health, safety, and the best life has to offer. Take care of you. I care.
The situation you're in is
The situation you're in is extremely unsettling, toxic, and dangerous. I can't imagine anyone who loves another person exposing that person to this. This situation is NOT your problem. No man, romantic partner, or love is worth this kind of ongoing migraine headache.
There is widespread information on caregivers (primarily caregivers of elderly parents or people who are severely disabled): The caregivers often end up dying (from stress-related causes) before the people they are caring for die. Trying to "manage" or even live in this situation has got to be (as you mention) extremely taxing on you, like a living hell.
You deserve so much better. If it takes going to a counselor to help you detach from all of this, please go.
Takes More Than Love…..
for a truly committed relationship. I say this all the time. While you love your SO (and he loves you), you are getting sorely shorted on RESPECT and CONSIDERATION. FOUR years to get his kids help? Yelling at you for pointing out truth? Re-read all the prior advice. It's good stuff.
Looks like your SO is still deeply enmeshed with his ex and wears blinders often with his kids' issues. Your situation will only get worse and more dangerous. I'm not one to quickly say "leave" but in your situation, I'd cut my losses and get out of this mess.
RUNNNNN FOREST RUUNNNNNN!
They're not even teens yet - it's going to get waaaaay worse. Agree with the replies you've received so far; move out (or kick him out if it's your home) and stop living with this toxic abusive insanity.
I hope you're not financing any of this b.s. Don't let this guy inflict his damaged kids and his enmeshed ex on your life any longer. Please listen to your brother - he cares about you and has your best interests in mind from an objective viewpoint.
My perspective is that I will
My perspective is that I will get the mentally, behaviorally, intellectually challenged kid all the help available.
What I will not do is tolerate behavioral bullshit from them. Mentally ill or pseudo science alphabet soup syndromed or not.
Are you dating my boyfriend? Lol
This whole situation sounds like mine. Except that my SO keeps harping on how useful and helpful I am, even though his kids keep deteriorating despite all the help they're receiving. And he has them full time, as the mother squeezed them out on her death bed, lying through her teeth to everyone that her health was just fine. Her whole family is a ghetto family, all with physical and mental disabilities.