Pay for grades?
So, today DH found out BM and her parents have been paying SS for grades. She pays him for As and Bs, then they double it. DH says his parents paid him for grades and said maybe we should be doing that and also paying him for any chores. (Chores consist of putting his laundry away and rinsing off dinner dishes. That's it.)
My parents never paid for grades. I always thought it was a mistake to pay kids for things they should do anyway. It's more important to encourage them and try to help them get to a point where they feel a sense of satisfaction and an interior-driven desire. Along with occasional rewards.
This is part of a pattern. When he was having behavioral problems at school, she rewarded him for good behavior (possibly still does). She pays him $50 a week to take the garbage out. Now it sounds like DH wants to join in.
i just never thought that was right. I also feel like this kid already has everything he wants as it is, now every adult in his life is throwing money at him for doing what he's supposed to do anyway. His only motivation for things is what's in it for him. No "it's the right thing" or "doing the right thing feels good."
But maybe I'm wrongheaded about this and paying for grades is a good thing to do?
- Hastings's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I've heard of kids being
I've heard of kids being rewarded with cash for grades. Also, of course, kids being paid for chores. I like the idea of positive reinforcement/rewards for good behavior but why can't the reward be an experience, a movie, a meal out, playing ball, or even praise vs constant throwing cash at the kid? And sometimes a simple "thank you" should suffice. As with just about everything, there's probably a balanced middle ground there.
How old is he?
I don't believe in doing it but it takes all kinds.
He's 13. Part of me thinks --
He's 13. Part of me thinks -- he's getting $300-$400 every nine months. Do we really need to pile on?
double
If BM is already paying him for grades, to me, that's enough grade payment.
Chores -- some things (like putting your laundry away and rinsing your dishes) are just part of living in a family without servants. I never paid for that. I occasionally paid for extra things. I specifically remember paying for cleaning up the leaves in the yard. I paid by the bag. I learned I had to check to make sure the bags were reasonably full as my idea of full was not child's. But, but age 13 my oldest had a morning paper route and was earning his own spending money. Unfortunately, that opportunity is no longer available here as all routes now require a car for delivery.
I did pay for grades once. My brother has a child the same age as my youngest. Brother promised his child cable tv in his bedroom if he got all A's. My kid asked for the same deal. I said yes never thinking it would happen as this was my kid who said 'what does it matter if you get an A or a C, you go to the next grade anyway'. Next semester all A's. I paid up. Brother never did as his kid never got the desired grades.
Worked for me
I was paid for grades. My parents said that school was my job. I got a certain amount for A's, a certain amount for B's. I also earned privileges for A's and B's (screen time), but if I got C's I lost screen time and spent that time in studying. IF I got straight A's I got a significant bonus. Let me tell you, it motivated me!! If I had mostly A's and one B...I worked my butt off for that straight A's. And the bonus was worth it, until I realized that the pride in getting straight A's was even better! I still wanted that bonus, but I was proud of my accomplisment too! We did the same with our kids. And at least once they all managed straight A's.
School is their job. if money is a motivator to get good grades, not cut class, and graduate well with the potential for higher education it's a cheap cost to pay for making sure they learn to work hard (and graduate and get out of your house!) Not all kids are able to get those high grades. But if a cash reward is all it takes to motivate those who can, how is that different from the adult world of bonuses and commisions!
I was also paid for grades.
I was also paid for grades. Not a lot, but a nice reward for a job well done. I liked school and did well and probably would have even without the cash. Anyway, I got something for an A, a little less for a B, nothing for a C, had to pay them if I got a D, and lost everything if I got an F. I don't remember ever getting a D or F.
I wasn't paid for chores. That was part of being a contributing member of the family and started when I could carry spoons to the table.
As long as parents put energy in teaching their kids how to be independent adults, there are lots of ways to go. Waiting until they are in high school is way too late.
We paid my step daughter for grades and I did it to make sure
We paid my step daughter for grades and I did it to make sure she graduated. She came to live with us when she was a senior, and I was worried she would not graduate - so I suggested we pay her and it worked - she graduated and left home. I did it for purely selfish reasons. It is the same reason I took her to Planned Parenthood and didn't tell BM - I didn't want her to get pregnant. That also worked.
You have to give your kids money somehow
. Allowance ? Money for school things,? Paying for grads instead of a allowance for breathing? Right or wrong it's just a tool for instilling good behavior. But let's not go overboard with the amounts of money. If a few $ makes it easier for kids to go better in school. But you are forming the whole study, do better mentality
We were paid for grades
We were paid for grades growing up. Since SS is already getting that incentive though... I don't see the point of piling on more. It's not likely to incentivize him any more than he already is. I don't think it's necessarily bad form. As adults we are paid for doing our jobs.. ie going to work. A kid's "job" is going to school.. so getting some compensation for better than average performance.. It's not a bad dynamic to have them see more reward for more performance.
We were paid an allowance as kids.. that encompassed our basic spending money needs.. and in exchange, we were expected to keep our personal space tidy and do small basic "helpfulness" chores.. like collecting trash from around the house, loading dishwasher, helping mom water her plants, vacuum the living room. "rake the living room rug".. (only old people will know what I mean.. haha). We were paid per job for "big ticket tasks"
My parents could afford this.. obviously, if your budget doesn't allow that.. then you only do what you can. It's good to a point for kids to have some autonomous monies.. and to have the ability to see how extra work gets extra monetary reward.. sets up a better work ethic imho.
but, in your case.. since he is already getting a lot for his grades.. I don't see the benefit of doing more.
DH said he's going to think
DH said he's going to think up a chore list -- things SS can do to earn extra money. He's not going to pay for grades, agreeing with me that with BM paying him and then her parents doubling that, grades are more than covered.
I think where I get frustrated isn't exactly the grades. It's the big picture. He has extra spending money. More than extra. His maternal grandparents regularly hand him $100 or even $1,000 just for existing. On top of that, they or BM buy him whatever he wants when he wants it, so he never has to spend any of it or save for anything.
There's a pattern. When he doesn't do things he should do or does things he shouldn't, they react by offering rewards if he'll change course. No natural consequences. Nothing. Just rewards for doing bare minimum of what he should do anyway. And apparently, even then he throws a lot of bad attitude around (which her parents laugh about and call "cute").
None of this is my battle. Even DH doesn't have much control over it. And he could turn out to be a lovely, productive member of society. But I can't help feeling like he's already far down the road to narcissism and inability to function in society.
I'm working on distancing myself more and not caring. If he turns out to be a crap human, so be it. As long as my money doesn't support him as an adult and he doesn't live under my roof, ok.
I had a chore list early on,
I had a chore list early on, paid $ for certain tasks. Because the SDs had NO responsiblity and ran feral. This was something they could figure out because the parents just shrugged and did everything for them. Of course, even this eventually failed because DH didn't have the spine to keep in going and then bought everything for them anyway so they didn't understand the concept of money.
Growing up our grades set
Growing up our grades set our allowance. We were not specifically paid for grades. Our allowance was set. C's kept it static, D's or F's reduced it. B's and A's increased it. If we wanted to earn above our allowance, there were jobs we could do at home to get paid more. Never chores. Things like digging the crawl space under our house (it was 3ft high) to 8ft. That is a crap ton of dirt to dig for $20/yd^3. Digging a cubic yard of dirt starting on your knees is similar to seam coal miners digging coal in the late 19th century. Been there, done that. It would take an entire weekend to dig about 1/2 to 3/4 of a cubic yard of hard compacted, seasoned dirt. Or, turning the garden soil with a shovel or spade fork. Or weeding the garden, etc...
I am not a proponent of pay for things a kid should be doing. Chores are the kids contribution to the home and family.
Neither am a proponent of using chores as punishment.
Nope
We did not pay for grades. As parents, we had expectations of our children, with one of them being to do there very best in school. I monitored their grades, was very active in their education and they did well. Because bad grades had consequences they did not like. Now, we would go out of a "celebration" dinner for good grades. But I never paid cash.
Same with chores. You live in this home, you share in the upkeep.
Worked out well for us; both kids, now adults, are doing great in life, have made wise financial decisions and both have retirement plans in place since they entered the work force.