The day has come BM kicked Ss out. Keeps CS!
So over the years my relationship has suffered due to DH never altering the fairy tale dream of having his bio son (jr). Throughout the decade of hell he says BM put him through never holding employment and always dangling the kids for money.. oh and also spending every penny and never doing a lick of house work... when we got pregnant she quickly placed him on child support which of course crippled him and scared us as we were progressing our way up our career ladders since the end of both of our long dead ex relationships.
DH has also Sd who is 15 and BM completely alienated her from him. Only let Ss come around because he's "his jr" and he has brothers now at our home. For years 7 to be exact, she has sucked down child support with nothing to show but a part time literally per diem job... shady living and drama. She has always managed to keep her claws sunk by reaching out to DHs family and garnering money and babysitting... only ever allowing the kids to come around anymore if it was a holiday to buy or they had obvious needs, wants, and asks. I always knew that when she was fed up with ss when he hit teens she would kick him out to turn our lives upside down after we just steadied and became comfy with child support. Did I mention she milked him for years with a third child that turned out to not be his... so fast forward. She kicked ss out last week at 13. Texted and said he can go live with us if we don't take her to court. She has 21/2 years left of cs with sd and 6 left with ss. I raced over to her hood and grabbed ss. Like an alter ego of mine came out almost as if I know this is the only thing that will make dh ever move forward in life. He wants to continue paying full child support to pos bm for the rest of sds cs order in hopes of it dropping AND THEN going to court to file for custody. Once again I basically feel like our existence has been pandering and keeping someone else happy while WE figure it out. I guess a kinda wtf at the fact that I'm working with him and building with him and she has always been able to just snap her rusty fingers. So here we are set to turn our life upside down once again while we keep quiet. DH doesn't want to go to court in fear of cost and/or getting hit with split custody WITH higher cs. YEARS of bending and catering and turning a blind eye. I'm sure we all deal with.
tonight was the beginning of the end.
I have always appreciated the raw honesty here. Although DH doesn't see how he has made me feel over the years. He truly is a good honest hardworking man that deserves happiness.
I just don't want this anymore. Can someone help me see a bright side.
im literally sobbing and on the verge of a heart attack please take it easy on me.
I hear you
After 4 years of 'visitation', in other words, having the 3 skids here every second they weren't in school, they moved in full time, one after the other. OSS was first, one summer he just never left and apparently, BM was ok with it. We always got along and I was just beginning to adjust when 3 months later, Pow! SD and BM had a big fight, SD ran away then when she returned, she moved in. She had always been a mmiwife problem so that was a trip, 6 months later YSS moved in. I had always had a so-so relationship with him.
So, there I was at 32yo with 5 kids from 11-15. Yeah. But, to my huge surprise, my life was easier once they all lived here! That visitation back and forth drove me nuts and I think the continual adjustments were hard on the kids, too. I won't kid you and say life was easy but the tension seemed to drop a little.
How is your relationship with SS? That's a big factor. Is he well-behaved, in general? I felt like each child moving in was kind of like having a new baby, the family adjustments.
Wishing you all the best luck. I guess my takeaway is you might be surprised if your tension level drops, too. It CAN work out.
This sounds like an absolute
This sounds like an absolute nightmare. I am so sorry. Talking to a counselor/therapist will probably help you a lot--someone who "gets" toxic blended families.
We went through the heavy PAS'ing with BM here, too, among many other things. What we had in our corner was that DH's entire family chose to have nothing to do with toxic BM, so, thank God, there wasn't that element. And then, after I told DH to get out, marital counseling (we lived separately for about 6 months during our first 2 years of marriage--how pathetic is that!). If things had not changed, I was ready to divorce.
SO....Can things change in your situation? Meaning can the way DH operates change here? If not, you will be the person to make change for YOUR life to make it better. And it can get better. No one deserves this. We all deserve partners who look after OUR wellbeing.
2 phrases i picked out from
2 phrases i picked out from your post, regarding your DH's reasons for doing things: 1 is "in hope of" and 2 is "in fear of." Acting based on those motivations in Stepland are surefire ways to lose. What he should do is get SS and after having him for a time, maybe 6 months, file for a CO and CS change. He has to want it, though. You can't grow a set of balls for him. You can, maybe, help him to see the value of the CS by letting him do any increased work involved with having SS fulltime. Your DH will cook, wash, clean after, pay for, and transport SS. Your DH must be the one to feel the impact of his choices.
Totally a $hit scow
One what will never end. These kids have no respect,or responsibility in life. It's to late to try to teach them anything. You have to do what best for you. Your SO don't care about you. He's still tied to his ex. His ex gets more respect then you.
'It's your life,, you must do what you have to. I would not be paying for the ex. But that's me
My state
has an online calculator that allows you to determine what CS should actually be. Maybe check and see if yours does which could possibly alleviate your partner's concerns that he might end up paying more support?