I had a nightmare last night
I've never had dreams about the cretins before. It had to be related to reading things in here along with SD calling her daddy yesterday and her phony manipulative inquiry about me.
We were at SD's wedding (which IRL was pretty damn horrible for us, but not this bad) and dinner was served. But they purposely had no plate for me. I went to DH and said I didn't get any food. He walked over to BM to remedy the situation, and I thought: Oh no, he just walked into that trap; she is happy that I am upset by this! It all went downhill from there. I spent the rest of the dream trying to figure out how to get home (couldn't find the car), looking at my watch, hating to be the object of humiliation, which all of them (skids and BM) were enjoying in front of their guests.
Think this is a reaction of being disrespected
For some reason,, most likely many reasons. SD and BM are playing games where you are being disrespected. You must start preparing yourself for a battle you see coming. As Country's always prepared themselves. You have a feeling that DH doesn't have your back. That's a bad thing .
'you must demand respect.
It's been a while since I've
It's been a while since I've had a skid dream (nightmare). But it's coming up on holiday pilgrimage season, and stress comes along with the falling leaves. But the pilgrimage won't happen this years since SD banned DH. Don't know about SS--last year was kind of a disaster.
Hoping my dream world transforms into holiday joy. That would be nice.
?
Have you ever wondered why holidays seem to involve a lot of 'forced' gatherings? I'm using 'forced' loosely...not sure of the right word; so many expectations can be dictated by tradition, control, etc. This can be with intact families, step families, dysfunctional families, etc. People you see very little, or not at all, throughout the year. (Many times for very good reason!) There's just this big push for 'togetherness'.
I ask myself why it's so important to spend precious time with people who one doesn't make time for/wish to see routinely (example: stressful SKIDS, difficult family members, etc.) on a holiday? Of all days! It's a day that I wish to see only the very most important people in my life. My ideal is to have a relaxing day with 'my people', not a stress filled obligatory interaction with those on the fringe of my life or who don't even matter at all (to me, personally).
Has anyone else wondered why we do this or struggled with this scenario? Is it guilt? Fear of disappointing someone? There are probably many reasons. I would like to normalize participation based on true wishes not obligation! Thoughts?
I think there is a lot of
I think there is a lot of guilt associated with holiday gatherings. My ex SIL, who was normal and lovely except when it came to holidays, used to plan for the holidays in the summer, inviting us early to make sure we didn't spend them with my family. When we didn't go along with her plans, which were very regimented, she'd cry. We bought a mountain cabin and began escaping to it on thanksgiving just to get away from it all. (We'd spend Christmas with family.)
My skids were not allowed to spend holidays with us, but they "had" to spend one Thanksgiving with us (very long story), and that was the weekend I said no more--they were not allowed back. We only spend holidays with people we like and love.
OMG
I have one of those SILs (without the normal and lovely the rest of the time) who would try to grab all festive days and hated me because I refused to commit or turned down the invitation almost systematically. She would often sulk when she didn't get her way.
This!!!
This is what I am moving toward...only spending the important days with 'my people'.
However, I understand that he has 'his people' too.
This is the interesting part, IMO.
"[DH] walked over to BM to remedy the situation"
That tells it all right there. Subliminally, you were expecting/hoping that your DH would "have your back" and give you the sustenance you need (meal). His way of doing that was to ... go to BM. ???
Hmmm. I'm thinking that's kind of telling, Mia. Normally, wouldn't a spouse go to the waitstaff or the wedding planner and get you a plate?
The other part is the rest of the dream was spent trying to get yourself out of the situation. Again, wouldn't your DH be leaving with you?
I'm no Sigmund Freud, but I think this dream tells you that you do not think your DH will prioritize your needs (meal), will rally with BM (seeking her help/approval) for issues she's involved with, and will let you fend for yourself when you need to escape.
Thanks. Re: DH going to BM,
Thanks. Re: DH going to BM, that was in the dream because we knew she had masterminded the situation. IRL, at SD's wedding, the wedding coordinator tried to banish me to a cold outdoor faraway corner when "first look" photos were to be taken and DH said a clearly angry hard no to that, so in these types of situations, he does have my back and I know it.
Now, for me taking the lead in trying to leave (he was with me in the dream, but you make a good point), that is different (although IRL, DH wanted to leave SD's wedding before the ceremony; I talked him into staying, knowing he'd fulfill the public villain narrative if we walked). BUT I think DH saying to me the other day that phony ass SD asked about me brought back my feelings of being the only one here who really sees through ALL of the BS.
It's a mixed bag with us. DH is totally onboard with the skids not ever coming to our house again. He does not want the skids notified if he experiences another health emergency. He recognizes that his skids are failures, and he sees his part in why. He also realizes that it's too late for change or higher expectations. And that doesn't mean he stopped caring for them. He also believes or wants to believe that his widdle baby girl SD is 100% brainwashed by her mother (well, she is) and that widdle baby girl is not allowed to act like she doesn't hate me (to/with her mother) or else there will be hell to pay. Therefore, SD, and SS to some degree, is "forced" to "act" like she hates me to please her mother.
The point is I don't care WHY SD acts the way she does. It's unacceptable and I don't want her in my life.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
This anniversary of DH's health issues and wrangling the skids last year, along with the upcoming holidays (we never see the skids during holidays, but it has traditionally been game playing time with them) has really thrown me lately. I am disappointed that this crap still bothers me when, prior to DH's issues last year, I had reached a place where these personalities were floating out there beyond my everyday reality.
Again, thanks for propelling me toward thinking this through.
!
This is interesting! BM's influence may make, in his mind, his excuses plausible. There likely remains that glimmer of hope....
I think for the first time, DH truly sees OSD for what she is. Here comes the giant BUT!!! He occasionally will offer a weak excuse for her behavior. Nope! Not having it! I calmly refute what he is saying and that is the end of it. Like your DH, there is still that glimmer of hope....
I am just thankful that she is not allowed in our home, that I have no contact, that DH has very little contact, and that in spite of the glimmers, he is on to her nonsense. Deep down HE KNOWS.
!
This is interesting! BM's influence may make, in his mind, his excuses plausible. There likely remains that glimmer of hope....
I think for the first time, DH truly sees OSD for what she is. Here comes the giant BUT!!! He occasionally will offer a weak excuse for her behavior. Nope! Not having it! I calmly refute what he is saying and that is the end of it. Like your DH, there is still that glimmer of hope....
I am just thankful that she is not allowed in our home, that I have no contact, that DH has very little contact, and that in spite of the glimmers, he is on to her nonsense. Deep down HE KNOWS.
Hmmm. Time to take it up a notch.
Start carrying a high end tote bag with a silk napkin and place mat, a top brand china plate, wine glass, and silverware. Then if this happens IRL turn your nose up at the peasant dishware that BM provides, pick it up with a napkin so not to soil your petal soft manicured hands with her low class items and set them aside. Then place your silk place mat, napkin, high end dinnerware in the proper order on the table, then take your plate and select foods that are to your elevated standards while making bitter beer face and wrinkling your nose at most of the foods available. Then go back to your proper place setting, pull high end foods out of your bag, and enjoy.
Have fun!!!
I know it is a dream, but.... why not have some fun with it? Being radiant and living well are the best revenge. Have fun living your best life and rubbing their noses in it.
I remember…
...the nightmare in which OSD was trying to kill me. I felt such unease for a long time afterwards, I still feel that, if she had opportunity, she would make it happen.
DH insists she "would never" hurt you. He also insists his mother would not put up with her nonsense. Wrong on both counts, he vastly underestimates OSD and vastly overestimates his mother. I say this with certainty; 4 months ago, when MIL thought OSD "was trying to kill Trudie" she did absolutely NOTHING to come to my aid. In fact, even though she heard the entire interaction, she blamed me. Even though I said NOT ONE WORD. I do not get in the mud with pigs...or anyone. How does one even deal with this level of dysfunction, other than disengage?
I will continue to follow my gut.