Am I been unreasonable?
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Quick background info, my partners son moved out around 4 years ago after headbutting me, I had years of threats, verbal and racial abuse off him... Anyhow last week I came home to find him here, he put his girlfriend in hospital with broken ribs and got arrested and was given bail but only if he stayed here.. Of course I am not happy, it's causing major conflict and I believe my partner wants him back here permanently, he don't work so he can't afford his own place.. I'm 62 now and really don't want the stress, my partner says I should give him another chance but I just feel like packing up and moving out.. It's just making me so miserable... Am I been selfish like my partner says I am?
Ok... just to restate your
Ok... just to restate your issue in Cliff Notes.
You have an adult step son that has been violent to you in the past. (among other abuses)
He is currently in trouble with the law for being violent towards his girlfriend.
Your husband is bailing him out and letting a dangerous guy that has clearly turned over zero new leaves move into your home.
You would be crazy if this current situation was not a problem for you.. and I hope like heck you are financially independent and do not have joint finances. Have any of the prior abuses by his son against you been documented? If you have the means, I would absolutely move out at least temporarily. I would be informing your husband that under no circumstances will you be living under the roof with your abuser.. that is not being selfish.. that is being smart.
I don't know if your husband has also been abusive to you.. and thinks it's ok? I can't believe he thinks this is ok..
Thanks for the support, just
Thanks for the support, just to clarify I'm male, and yeah his mom says she couldn't just let him stay locked up untill his court date,. I'm working so I could afford to move out, but I do love my partner, I just wish I could get her to see my side of things, all she keeps saying is she's a mom and any mom would do the same, and she can't send him out on the streets
Tell her she's out on her
Tell her she's out on her arse if she thinks you will tolerate a man who assaulted you in your home. If it's her home, leave. Why would you want to live with a woman who doesn't care what happens to you and who will allow your assaulter to be around you. RUN.
I would argue that any "man"
I would argue that any "man" that would abuse his girlfriend would be well served to cool his heels in jail for a while and perhaps it would teach him a lesson about losing control of his emotions.
If that GF was HER daughter.. would she be happy that her daughter's abuser was sitting on mommy's couch playing video games?
My DH has a nephew who had a mom that treated her son just like your wife is treating her son.. the kid is now 34 and looking like his release date is sometime in the 2030's.. he never learned.. kept escalating etc...
How long until the court date and do you have options for living elsewhere? does your wife? maybe she can rent a short term place to go "save" her son.
Since he has assaulted you
Since he has assaulted you and others, I would solve this with an RO/PO and take it out of your DW's hands. That keeps him away from you and your home whether mommy wants to rescue him or not.
Hopefully he is convicted and gets a long stint at the hotel with the guards, bars, and some notable shower parties for him to experience with the lifers. This would resolve the issue of his presence in your life for an extended period at least.
I would do it if I were you. File for the RO/PO and take it out of his hands and mommy's.
he goes or you go
Is you name on the deed or lease? If it is, call a lawyer and find out if you can revoke his consent to live there.
Is there somewhere for you to go? If the answer is yes, pack your things and go there.
If you decide to stay, if SS touches you, take your phone to a safe place and call the police. Here, because you are over 60, he would be charged with elderly abuse in addition to his current charges.
Can't reply to you all
Can't reply to you all individually, but the house is in my partners name, even though she don't work and I pay all the bills etc.. Her sons court hearing is middle nov even if he goes down I know it would just be a short rest bite till he's out and then this cycle would start all over again.. I just wanted some support/views from people not involved, and I'm glad it's not me been unreasonable or selfish, I was starting to question myself.. If things remain like this then I will prob have to go to my sisters, I'm currently spending most of my time in the bedroom just to avoid been near him, no way to live, I should be looking forward to the latter years of my life not dreading them
I can sympathize.. my EXH had
I can sympathize.. my EXH had a brother that was a felon who spent almost 20 years behind bars for beating a guy half to death for money to buy drugs. Not his first offense. We lived in a nice, quiet upper middle class suburban neighborhood.. and I wanted no parts of an unrelated, male felon living in my home.. but conditions of his release dictated he stay with someone.. and my ex volunteered us.. his two sisters declined and both parents were dead. I was at about my "over my dead body limit".. but in the end, it did happen.. his brother followed zero house rules, got fired from a job my EX got him for being creepy with teen girls (mentally, he was like the age he went into prison in his early 20's.. now at over 40.. a 16 yo was far below the age he should have been pursuing).
He ended up leaving voluntarily when my EX gave him too much lip for all of the above.. last I heard of him he was back behind bars.. but it's been over 20 years since I was divorced from my EX so no real interest in knowing where he is now..haha.
But, I sympathize... what I would do is set some limits in your home.. perhaps requirements he has to follow.. employment.. counseling for his anger management. and house rules. There should also be a plan in place for him to "relaunch".. and your wife needs to enforce that with him.. I get her sentiment for not wanting him on the streets.. but your home cannot be a long term solution.. if she thinks it is.. I would tell her that SHE will be looking for a way to pay the bills because you will be out of there.
Yeah that's good advice, he
Yeah that's good advice, he said he will get a job, but whatever job he's had in the past he lasts less than a month and it's always someone else's fault, but setting a time limit is a good option, will give me time to start thinking bout moving out also and not feel guilty that my partner not been able to afford the house if I did end up leaving
At some point enough is
At some point enough is enough. Endless second chances is a recipe for wasting your own life.
Take care of you. Move on and live your best life with all of them fading in your rear view mirror.
Your SO has made it clear that you are not an equity stake holder in her life and that you are just her ATM.
Good luck and live well.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable or selfish. I'd pack up and leave. This guy is dangerous.
Absolutely NOT
The unreasonable person is his mother. That man should be in jail behind bars. Personally, I would not stay in that home with him. Does he have access to weapons??? That would be my fear, with the escalation of his violent behavior. Please. If you have other options, leave that house immediately. Go to your sisters until you can get your own place. And don't give one second of guilt to your partner....she's not concerned about your safety, is she? I've said this before....I'll say it again. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP A RELATIONSHIP GOING. There must be respect and clearly, your partner has zero respect for you. I'm a mother....I have a son...and he would NOT be allowed in my home had he been violent to my husband. I'd have to see him other places. Please. Take care of you.
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP A
This. This. This. And this!
Enough is Enough
SS does not live with you. Tell GF it's him or you. And mean it. Either he goes. [ he's the one that commented the crime..he figures out how, where to live ] And mean it. Start looking for a place to live. Remind GF if you move out. All money is cut off. SS is responsible for all the bills you pay for.
'If a DS who hurts people is more important then you. Then you really don't need GF
Thanks for everyone's advice,
Thanks for everyone's advice, your support and great advice have been just what I needed,.. I will wait till his court hearing to see what happens, if he walks free then back here I will tell my partner he has a limited time to find somewhere to live or im left with no choice but to move out and move on and think about my wellbeing, I'm to old to be messing about.. I will keep you updated after the court case..
Be careful with the "limited time" discussion.
Make it specific. Like.... 8hrs from the point of the discussion. The sooner, the better.
Lol, a hour wouldn't be soon
Lol, a hour wouldn't be soon enough, but realistically around 3 mths as I would need to plan for myself leaving if it came to that, I just learnt that he has handed in the keys to his old flat, so with him been unemployed it will be harder for him to get a place, it would now mean him declaring himself homeless to the local council after the court case, it's all going to get messy I think
When my SS left rehab #1, DH
When my SS left rehab #1, DH and BM were strongly advised that SS should NOT return to the same environment he left. He'd face the same friends and temptations. But oh NO DH knew better and SS moved back in with us.
Cue relapse. After rehab #2, SS was smart enough to choose a half way house with supportive programs for addicts. He was successful there and remains clean.
Your SS must learn how to be a decent grownup, or suffer the consequences. Landing in Mommy's cushy nest isn't helping.
Yeah it's really annoying
Yeah it's really annoying knowing he's come from the mess of his run down flat with nothing to living off me and all the luxury of been waited on by his mom., it's like he's been rewarded for putting his now ex girlfriend in hospital..
I would be so ashamed if I
I would be so ashamed if I had a son who did anything like that. I sincerely hope they decide to make an example of him and put him away for a very, very long time.