Thank you so much for your response. 2Tired. Also, I love your username, as I am also very tired of the drama. I'll try to address all you said. I appreciate your suggestions. My kids can't come by for dinner and such because they live far away. My daughter is in New York and my son is in Wisconsin. My X Lives in the same city I do about 10 to 15 minutes away. So when my kids come to town, they typically stay with him and I get whatever time is left, if any. As for the church helping, our church has gotten smaller and smaller over the years, and there really isn't anyone there that can be helpful.  I like your ideas for holidays, and I do try to do some of those things. Problem being both my son and daughter live in tiny one bedroom apartments and there's no room for us. Also, my son has a cat and my husband is allergic. Not a problem for me though.  But when I go to visit them, we do have to stay in a hotel or somewhere else. I've been working on trying to find an Airbnb that we can use every time we are there, so that would feel more like a home situation. My son and DIL just had a little baby, my first grandchild, and I want to be a significant and regular part of his life. Her family lives very close by and they are a big close family. I know that they will be the "favorite" grandparents, and I think I can be OK with that. What I'm concerned about is that, my son will come to town and spend most of his time with his dad and I will hardly be in the picture.  when you're traveling with children, it doesn't make sense to bring all that stuff to one house and then pack it all up and move it to another 15  minutes away.  Regarding myhusband's response when my SKs say they don't want me to be in the room when he talks with them in the phone... It's understandable that they want some privacy. But the thing is, they have run the show from the beginning. This is an old pattern that's been there for a long time. Even before I came along. Their mother was an alcoholic, and DH Gave both of them a lot more say in things than typical children have. The daughter especially has been parentified. He shares things with her in a way that you would share with a wife, not a daughter. And I don't mean this in an creepy way. It's just the pattern that developed. As he reminds me frequently, he is all they have. As a result, he will not say or do anything that might make them feel hurt or upset. He has told me flat out that if I force him to choose, he will choose them. And I have told him I am not asking him to choose between me and them. I am simply asking him to require that they be kind and appropriate to me and my kids when we're all together. The problem is we can't all agree and what is kind and appropriate. They've gotten away with being rude for so long, It's just how they behave. He says my kids are pushovers (he actually says, "they wouldn't say shit if they had a mouthful." ) I see my kids are pleasant and polite. They do stand up for themselves, but they do it in appropriate ways. They are direct when they need to be. But they simply have a gentler nature.  They're not at all competitive, and my husband's children are incredibly competitive.  So that's the crux of the entire situation. This has been going on for quite some time, and I don't think he is ever going to say anything to the kids. He says he has tried, but he's never actually just put his foot down and said you need to behave thus and such, or you're not welcome here. 

I can't disagree with much of what you say. Although he's not a cold man. He just doesn't know how to confront issues. He denies or avoids as much as he can get away with. And his kids are the same.  They're not bad people.  They're smart kids, with good values and ethics.  But the trauma they went through with their mom being an alcoholic and emotionally abusive, and then dying by suicide, finds him treating them always with kid gloves. (by the way, they did not know that she committed suicide until they were adults. She drowned and they thought it was accidental. Their grief process, being people who avoid and don't address things, is definitely a factor here.) He's a good father. He would do anything for his kids. And he is a very patient and loving man. Unfortunately, he thinks I'm  "reading too much into" their behavior.  He excuses what they do because of "what they've been through" and because he's terrified to make them feel abandoned or unloved...they've had enough of that.  I just don't think he Realizes that teaching them to address things appropriately in the moment is a much better way to resolve issues than being passive aggressive, competitive, and avoidant. The thing is...it works for them.  They get ahead.  They have his undivided attention. "The Three Musketeers" As I've mockingly referred to them, are very OK with the arrangement the way it is

Yes, I do, of course, see the irony.  Notice my username?  If I were not afraid to be on my own, I would likely have gently but firmly told him that he needed to put his foot down, or I'm done.  And, to be clear, I have said that.  And he makes gestures towards doing something. (his famous line is, "I'll talk to them.") And sometimes the talking helps. But not all the time, and not very much. He's unwilling or unable to say "you need to cut this out and you need to cut it out now you're not welcome here." There was a big blowup recently the last time my SD And her husband came to visit. I thought things were going fine. We have a lake home and they came for a week.  I was there for the first part of the week, left so that she  could have her dad all to herself for three or four days, and then came back for two days. I had barely woken up and was making breakfast and I did something she didn't like which she commented on in an extremely snotty way basically telling me what to do instead of asking. Mind you, I had been Kind, welcoming, undemanding while I'd been there before. I honestly didn't say a word about anything they did and I tried to be as laid-back as possible. I brought groceries they had asked for so they could cook what they wanted for dinner for all of us, and the first thing she says, not good morning, not anything pleasant, is to chastise me for putting peach peelings in the garbage because they had been attracting fruit flies. (and to be clear, they were attracting fruit flies. And we just talked about it. And it was very absent-minded and silly for me to put them in the garbage. But that's not the point. IT'S MY HOUSE. And she shouldn't talk to me that way. And my husband should've said something. But he didn't. He and my son in law were fine with it.)  So...I lost it. Started Stomping around like a three year old.  Slamming drawers, etc. she and her husband went upstairs, and I lit into my husband. It was not pretty. And both he and My stepson agreed that she had been bratty about the way she'd handled it. But my reaction was way over the top. She came down a few minutes later and apologized, but I knew she didn't really mean it. In fact, I asked her and she said she didn't mean it, but that she had only said it because she knew it was what I wanted to hear. She then proceeded to say that, there's been a problem for 10 years and it's not gonna get any better that I have expectations of her, that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me. I swear I just don't get that. Yes I have expectations that she should be kind, engage in conversation, that she should be pleasant.  But, as I said, we have different ideas about what that is.  My husband actually asked me if I wanted to have them leave. And I said no I don't want you to make them leave, I just want you to talk to her about this and let her know that she can't behave like that. It's like he just doesn't know how to do it.

And, if you're thinking, I should've done it, that's true. I was just so livid I blew up. But the thing is, I think if I had said anything… Like "could you say that a little more nicely? " Or "what, no good morning?" I think my DH and SIL would have seen me as the problem.  It's like dealing with a bully.  If everyone goes along with the bully, the target is the problem. All it takes is one or two people to stand with the target and say "yes I agree with her. Cut it out."  But they don't do that. I do know how to stand up for myself. I've done it plenty of times. But when I try in this dynamic, I always end up feeling thrown under the bus. So I need to be a realistic about what my plan is my husband won't address this. I've asked that the three of us sit down and talk about the situation, or even the four of us with her husband there as well. I wanted to do it when we were there together, but she was way too upset. She actually started crying and said she felt crazy. And when her father, saw her crying, I look like the bad guy.. and to be fair, I was pretty out of control. I mean, I didn't throw anything, but I was clearly upset. And I was very angry in my tone with him. I think it's scared of her, because it's probably what her mom used to do.. 

So the bottom line is I neeed to be able to assert my needs like a mature adult and be ok with the consequences if my husband can't meet my needs (ie won't stand up for me.) but those consequences mean I'll be alone.  I don't want to lose couples friends (which is all our friends) and split belongings and sell homes and live alone. I don't want to have to reinvent myself at 58.  I want to be strong enough to say I could do that, but I'm not so sure.  Anyway, you've given me much to think about and I sincerely appreciate your input . . 

By the way, I should probably check with my kids on this, but I don't think they see my DH  or his kids as the problem. There are other dynamics at play in my relationship with my kids, especially my daughter, and some Of the distance between us is because of that. I do go and visit her and we've had some fun girls weekends, But I wanted to be clear that I'm not continuing to stay in a situation that alienates me from my kids just because I'm afraid to be alone.  I do think this is partly what's going on, but I also think that some of the issues between my daughter and I have different origins. In other words, part of why my kids are alienated from me is because of me, and not the situation. Thank you for your thoughts in all this.  I honestly will consider all you've said.  I hope your step-family drama is less than mine:)