Putting your spouse first in an LGTBQ relationship with kids
DW was having a conversation with a high school buddy (Who is bi) and asked if putting your spouse first is also important in a family where both parents are of the same sex and her answer was "DUHH". She went onto say "Just because you guys are of the same sex doesn't change the golden rule about marriage with kids. Whether they're biological or adopted. Blended families are already tough as it is, in fact putting your spouse first should be enforced harder in a blended family since your also going to be dealing with a side of your spouse's family that will hate you just because you're there and given the current political climate of our society it is MANDATORY to put your spouse first. This includes same sex couples." Needless to say this is why DW needs to be spoiled and why I love this woman even more everyday!
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I'd go even further than that
I'd go even further than that and say that this applies to ALL couples!
Your wife is a keeper!
Oh she is
She used to be extremely high conflict with her ex. Through tragic circumstances she had to change to be better. She's everything I could want in a woman and more.
I actually am not a huge fan
I actually am not a huge fan of using the word first..because it can mean so many things.. does it mean that they always "get their way"? does it mean that they get most resources? does it mean that their needs AND wants always come before others in the household?
There are many circumstances that may dictate different priorities in the household and how people's "wishes" may be honored.
First, if it is minor kids in the home... the CO is going to have precedent and is a legal contract to be honored. A SP may not like sending resources to another home.. or having the child in their home, but the CO dictates those terms and while it may be true that a "NCP may decline visitation" in some cases (again.. may depend on jurisdiction and CO).. this would bring us to the 2nd issue with minor children.
Minor children.. especially ones that are young are a parent's primary legal, financial, moral responsibility and they should not be electing to be with a spouse that is not supporting their ability to parent (not talking disney stuff.. just that a parent spends time with their kids.. they spend resources within reaso and parents their kids) A minor child's NEEDS are the first priority for their biological parents.. A minor child cannot on it's own provide for itself and a parent that creates that child owes that child to that extent to raise and care for them. and that may mean that only one parent is doing that.. if another parent is mentally, physically or financially unable to (or dead). This is the "you knew what you were getting into part of stepparenting.. know your partner's obligations.. and understand what that means.
Now, the couple in the home are joint heads of household and they should be making decisions within the home together.. that includes setting rules.. backing the other up on rules and not allowing others to undermine their relationship. But, again, for minor children, the bio parent should be making decisions on discipline, and setting standards of behavior.. and in the end, as long as a decision is not negatively impacting the stepparent.. then the bio parent can make decisions that impact their child without agreeing to what the stepparent wants. example.. allowing a child to GO to a sleepover is the bio parent's decision... allowing a child to HOST a sleepover needs to be a joint household decision.
Priorities shift in a household.. needs come before wants... needs are relative.. as are wants... the two adult heads of household are tasked with figuring out what the needs and wants are of their household and prioritizing them accordingly.
The two heads of household should have the power.. but what so often happens is that in step situations, the children have been elevated to almost peer status by one or more of the bio parents.. and they feel that they have more of a "say" in how things should run.
It goes without saying that when the skids are full adults the situation changes.. and I'm one that supports the ability of younger adults to launch with some support from their parents if it is financially or physically possible and doesn't mean that the stepparent is subsidizing.. or dealing with a hostile force in their home.
There is a lot of interesting
There is a lot of interesting points you bring up here.
And often times, just like "putting spouse first" could have more than one interpretation so does "kids needs" because half the time these kids and their breeders are making every,last,whim into some dire need when it is not.
Games, Nails, lululemons, Stanley's, spray tans, teen makeovers complete with elective enhancements including but not limited to braces/breast implants/nose jobs/piercings, new iPhone 19, ..... anything that's not
Is NOT a need
If a kid is not in the ER or wasn't seen by a physician... again not an emergency
Also children can provide for themselves...maybe not to the level a fully grown adult and maybe not the average child (because the average kid of this generation is going to be pampered and coddled) ....
there are child actors, child models making enough money to support themselves and their family (yes this is more common in mega cities but it's possible) even on the lower end is kids getting jobs at Chick Fil A where the hiring age is like 15. Then there are kids are aren't coddled with a silver spoon, habe work ethic better than the average adult and start their own business (whether it's a lemonade stand, babysitting, mowing grass, selling girlscout cookies, or taking it large scale and going on SharkTank)
I've been working since I was legally able some places hired at 15 and before that I was working as a baby sitter and child model at
So yes I do think men take advantage of their new spouses if they allow their kids from prior marriages to depend on them past the legal age they're able to hold a job (which is 14-16)
I refuse to subsidize child support for kids over 14 they best have some income. That child suppport monthly payment is enough and if it's not then breeder and her kids need to get to work!!!
Note to disrespectful leeching skids - you want closet full of lululemons and a $500 gaming system.....get out and go work for it (like I did at your age)!!! Me and my husband (if I had one lol) are not paying for your whims and wants and luxuries
Keep pandering to these kids and ex wife's whims disguised as "needs" and y'all gone end up with permanent roommates who don't pay rent and a never ending meddling sister wife
****so yes non custodial parents should provide for their underage dependents who don't live with them 50 or more of the time - but to what extent does "providing" apply??? We talking basic needs and child support mandates or we talking cosmetic enhancements, vacations, newest electronics, designer clothes, brand new luxury cars, etc???
Yes.. defining a need vs want
Yes.. defining a need vs want can often be blurred. .though braces often fall into something that ends up being a need.. and anything stipulated in the CO is also a need.. like if the CO stipulates that parents split private school cost.. it's not optional.. if it is not in the CO.. private school may be optional.. and a want vs need. I do understand that there are people who have parents that wildly go overboard and consider all things a need.
I actually worked and did chores.. back into my elementary school days to earn money from neighbors and family to buy extra things I wanted... like that timex watch I got when I was 7. My first official job to a company was a paper route when I was 11.. I worked 3 jobs at the same time in HS (they were varying in hours.. it worked out)..
BUT.. I do not agree that a child is in any way obligated to SUPPORT themselves.. they should never feel they have to work to cover basic food, clothing, household necessessities.. utilities.. rent.. (minor kids of course). If a child earns money in any significant way (child model/actor), that should be put away for college funding..or savings for adult hood.. at least the majority of it should be. Kids can earn money for extra things that their parents would not consider a necessity.. like teen magazines.. makeup.. money to spend on extra entertainment (though I actually think that unless a family is destitute.. that parents should pay for "some" amount of entertainment type expenses.. extra curriculars.. movie tickets.. etc.. ) A kid's "job" is school.. and depending on how much time they are in a particular home.. they should be helping with minor chores etc... age appropriate and paid as might be dictated by the extent of the project. Working is good to teach responsibility.. to allow the child autonomy in spending etc.
BTW.. vacations.. yes.. you pay to take your kid on vacation.. you don't necssarily pay to have your child go on vacation with the other parent. But.. if the child is going with friend's parents then contributing to those costs is appropriate.. and it's not innappropriate if a parent wants to give their kid a bit of walking around cash to spend.. even if the trip is with the other parent.
Obviously the ability to spend money on more than basic basics is going to be governed by the CO first.. and then by the relative ability of that parent to spend that money and that may include discussions with their spouse about that extra.. at no point should a step parent be expected to subsidize extras.. or even basics for their stepchild.. that is voluntary.
though braces often fall into
Me and the Disneyland dad debated this
imo wisdom teeth extraction is a need .... however braces (imo)is a want because most dental insurances don't cover it as they see it as elective (unless crooked teeth causing some health emergency)
CPS isn't banging your doors down revoking custody if you don't get braces for those kids
.... so I think if the kid want braces they can work at CFA on the weekends and put some money on it
In the end his 16 yo no job game addicted son out here fleecing his dad (like he's a common white knight sugar daddy) into buying $3000 braces he most likely won't wear or lose retainers (costing another $1k+) PLUS new cell phone and new $600 gaming system to keep him occupied and pacified from such a "horrific" and "stressful" experience
And no y'all know the Disneyland dad never demanded the breeder pay her share of dental "needs" so he ended up being on the hook for the payments AND the rides to the dentist like the dumba$$ financial masochist he enjoys being for his failed former family leeches
Talk about how an alleged "need" turns into a $5k+ scenario with Disneyland dad doing all the work and all the paying when being led by lazy money grubbing ex wife and child centered coparenting lifestyle
To be very honest
I don't expect my kids to start working when they're in high school. When they're minors and still going to school (High school, elementary, and middle) they should focus primarily on school. I do agree that they have to work for it but the way I see it is:
You want the new PS5? Okay pass the final and I'll get it for you.
That's how I do it with my kids. When they're minors and living under my roof I expect good academic behavior. Making them work jobs already at that age is wild to me when they're still kids (Technically and emotionally)
I get it.
I get it.
Your kids ... raise them how you see fit. Having them earn their privileges through striving for academic success is also a worthwhile way of having them "put in the work"
I guess me being single mom had a factor ... plus not wanting it to be a huge system shock when it IS time to really have a "real job" (see the recent thread on this forum about twenty something y.o. new hires work ethic lol)
***also I got this idea from my kids manager at her first job - have them work in high school (IF that's what you want your kids to do - if not totally fine too) but help them save/invest that money for future down payment, future retirement fund, college spending money, investments, etc.
Then when these kids hit 18+ they have something to work with to invest with to launch with.
I understand though some people want their kids to enjoy being kids without having too much responsibility and this is where you have to know what your kids can and cannot handle. Or what you can/cannot handle or envision for your kids (some peeps feel like their kids working in HS doesn't fit their vision for their family and that's okay too)
*to clarify I'm not saying I'm so hard up financially my bio has to work (thank heavens) BUT putting my bio to work is moreso about wanting to teaching her financial independence - and my kiddo was over a 4.0 gpa hs honor student, varsity athlete, and philanthropist, who worked after those priorities were completed first.
more than one way to skin a cat so to speak
There is.. and steplife can
There is.. and steplife can complicate that decision when one parent wants one thing and another wants something else.
When visitation schedules.. proximity to job parents' homes.. availability of transportation.. etc.
I mean.. for many families.. that extra car the kid would need to work.. just isn't financially swingable.. and the kid actually may not earn enough to cover those costs.. and also have any meaningful amount left to save/spend.
I know most families that I have known.. do buy their kids the cars.. or at least partially.. and kids may just pay ins and fuel.. sometimes just fuel.
But.. we have a poster on here where her EX is not a fan of her kid's schedule.. there is enough distance to make it somewhat inconvenient for them.. and while there are definitely great things about working.. sometimes it is hard enough that it's not going to easily work.. and yep.. in the end.. we have plenty of time to "work" in our lives after HS and a parent can teach lessons on financial responsibility.. timeliness.. finishing obligations.. without them actually working outside school.
Agreed.
Agreed.
My bad op last post (may create my own to keep the topic going)
But I do feel like (at least for the skids I used to live with)....how will these skids EVER leave this nest if they don't learn to do something for themselves.
No chores, no jobs, no schedules, no career goals, no college plans ....
Then all of a sudden they're supposed to know how to be adults, get hired for jobs, make money to responsibly pay bills at 18????
Like this seems like a one way ticket to skids-as-permanent-roommates, MY funds I could use in retirement or MY needs being forever forked over to supplement lazy skids, and permanent daily rants in the "adult skid" forum
Some parents and step parents may not mind their adult kid depending on them indefinitely.....but this is one of those details that could be a relationship dealbreaker (now that I know what I do about step life - having non contributing roomates is and absolute dealbreaker for me) that needs to be addressed upfront
if another parent is
a lot of parents with chaos hide it well until after they lock their unsuspecting partner in
if you go on dating sites men do not put their out of control kids or money hungry meddling ex wives on there. They don't want you to know any of it.
They purposely wait till you're already attached emotionally, pregnant, or married .... then next thing you know it's "oh my kids mom is acting irrationally and my son wants to live with us" or
in my case I had 100% custody and my ex knew off the top. He told me his exwife was moving out of town taking her kids with her. Well the manipulative c*nt knew it would be more beneficial for her to come back in town and force him and his responsible new check (aka me) to take care of her kids
He waited until we lived together (well your kid is her fulltime so mine should be too) to try to live out his DisneyDad /exwife 2.0 "happy family" "almost sister wife" recreation fantasies....all at my expense
Next thing I know he goes from "my kids will hardly be here" to now I'm being pressured to host his son EVERY COT DAMN DAY
Like wft would make you think I want your no-home-training lazy kids in my space every day. Unless you stand down, get your kids up to par of how to have some respect in this house, and let me reclaim order when they come over AND pay every last one of these bills then f*ck no!!! Not about to be stressed out over living with someone's disrespectful kids. Pay that lady her child support and keep that mess over there!
I get where you're coming from
And in some ways I agree with you. I love DW and my kids EQUALLY BUT ALSO DIFFERENTLY because parental love and romantic love are different, but I put my DW head first because WE are the royals of our castle while our kids (Both bio and SK) are the citizens we must protect. Everyone in our house has a time to shine. I'm very well aware that the world doesn't revolve around my marriage (Just like with our kids) so there are times where we must put one of our kids at the forefront, but we don't forget where our family started.
I get it.
I get it.
Balance is the key and prioritization will be on a case by case basis sometimes
My bad I came from a situation where me being mature (understanding my ex would often times have to prioritize his kids) and having my ish together a bit better than his ex wife was often what led to the imbalance (once his kids and ex saw the pattern of "I demand what I want then I soon enough get what I want" and him feeling guilty or scared of rightfully them no/wait/let's look at other options.
The frequent over-imbalance in favor of his kids and even his ex wife was what led me to push back and start considering my needs
I often felt like I was a mere sidekick and him and his kids (and his ex wife by proxy) were in control of my home
my case might be a bit more extreme
I'm sorry you went through that
It sounds like your ex really sucked at realizing when the right time was to balance things. You don't deserve that. You should be seen as a prize as much bio parents view their own bio kids (The SK's) but differently obviously.
You can not have the same relationship
As a family with bio kids. There both parents are happy putting kids first. Giving them the world. Thus is ok because both parents are Hapoy with this.
In a step relationship it's total different, there are four parents, one had a loving relationship with the ex at one time. And othe external problems. CS payment, scheduling. Somebody else controlling your home So the childless partner needs to be shone a different level of love. They have to be made important in a world where they must except Disrecept . Then you can't have the kids who the new partner is supporting over rule them
When you divorce and remarry, things have to be different.
When you divorce and remarry,
Agreed.
Remarriage (or marrying into a blended/step family) means everyone has to adapt and hopefully for the better.
The moment a Disney parent expects YOU to adapt/stoop down to their level of dysfunctional parenting then you have to decide if it's worthwhile and most likely it's not.
Gender I don't think should be an issue
Of course it's different
But me and DW made sure that our love and our love for our kids doesn't diminish and we figured out how to balance. It took tragedy to figure that out but we did it.
Agreed and go a step further
Agreed and go a step further and put your CURRENT spouse first.
Unless I just popped out a breastfeeding infant or I'm sick or something (or I deep down didn't believe my spouse would treat my bio fairly) then my spouse would come first.
The problem is DEEP down these people don't believe their spouse isn't going to treat their kids respectfully so they throw up this huge defense mechanism wall up that keeps "evil step monster" in check by deprioritizing her/her needs
Maybe putting kids first was
Maybe putting kids first was why their relationship with their BM or BD failed to start with. They may just be child-centric people.
If we get into relationships
If we get into relationships with people who have had failed families.. there is a good chance they contributed and were part of the dysfunction.
I understand that when people first date.. they put on their best behavior.. but I also think that people sometimes don't do their due diligence with their partners before fully falling into love.. having kids.. moving quickly.
I think in steplife.. you may also have a bio parent that is financially tight due to CS obligations.. and they see moving in with a new partner as allieviating some of that too.. not necessarily that their partner will pay for their kid's stuff.. but that sharing a home is cheaper and they see that as a way to ease their pinch point there.
Understanding how your partner views parenting.. how were they raised.. what about that did they agree was good or bad? I mean.. my family encouraged and paid for our higher education.. it was a priority.. we weren't expected to exit the home and make our way in the world at 18.. if we needed our parent's help.. even when the reasons might have been due to poor choices.. they helped.. some people are more bootstrap and think it's ok to throw the kid into the pool of life.. again...differences that it is important to understand.
Knowing if your partner wants more time with their kid.. understanding what broke down in their relationship.. and really listening.. to the "it was not my faults".. and understanding that quite often that is a red flag.. because I think we can probably all go back and do better for ourselves and prior relationships.
When I see the stories.. of people with stepkids that are very young.. like toddlers or under 5.. and now THEY have a baby with their SO.. I can't help but think it happened so fast.. that their partner didn't spend meaningful time single before jumping into something new.. and having a child so quickly.
" I mean.. my family
" I mean.. my family encouraged and paid for our higher education.. it was a priority.. we weren't expected to exit the home and make our way in the world at 18."
Same. I also view higher education as an investment into a young person's future. Plus, with a skid, getting them educated and self-sufficient quickly by subsidizing their education on the front end minimizes the likelihood of having to support or house them on the back end. Happy successful skids with full lives aren't the ones trying to cause drama in their parents' lives. Their happiness equals our happiness.
I understand that when people
true!
how many people out here reading the stepparent handbook before locking in as a stepparent?
I know I didn't but looking back I should have
Sometimes ignorance is hard to overcome if you don't know you're ignorant on a topic
At the tender age of however old I am I thought I could manage step life simply because I have a bio of my own
However what I didn't take into account (because of my lack of education regarding blended families) was
We really are putting trust into our partners to tell the truth about the current state of their custody/coparent situation.
And sometimes it's not until we come in (live together/marry/etc) and shine the light in the issue (really observe these people in their natural habitat) that we see what's really going on.
Granted there are some people who saw numerous red flags but proceeded anyways but alot of the dysfunctional parenting is hidden (most sane women aren't dealing with this mess that's why they hide it well in the beginning) till they know the step parent/extra resources can't easily up and leave.
anyways don't want to get too far off topic (cause I got stories for days) and glad to see OP has worked out the nuances with their partner
See and that's why they're wrong
Kids are very important. I love my kids and DW AT THE SAME LEVEL but it's also a different type of love. Same with DW, she loves all her kids at the same level as I do. Both from previous marriage and second marriage. We don't put each other FIRST simply because we don't care for pur children. Lol Fuck no, why else would we have kids in the first place? Even if her first two kids weren't planned SHE still kept them. DW may have not been as good of a mother as she is now but her love for her previous children from the first relationship did not EVER diminish and disney parents clearly don't understand that. I like to use this as an example:
If we were all drowning and a shark was headed our way I would grab MY wife (As she would with me) and we put ourselves FIRST in front of that shark so that our kids would have time to swim away. If we we're on a sinking boat DW and I find each other FIRST to push our children onto the shore while WE continue helping other captors (That being our children and the SK's).
A lot of people confuse the "putting spouse first' as in we hate our kids. We don't. This is just common sense.
A lot of people confuse the
only a defensive Disneyland parent would misconstrue it like that.
most rational sane people know what it means.
Lol
My wife was extremely high conflict but we figured it out. Unless if they were popping mollies 24/7
lol!
lol!
good
to
hear you and your wife are closer on the same page now
smh,
The problem is DEEP down these people don't believe their spouse isn't going to treat their kids respectfully so they throw up this huge defense mechanism wall up that keeps "evil step monster" in check by deprioritizing her/her needs
I know this is counter to my usual demands for people to use their heads, however, my platform with these morons would be "Don't think, observe. I have never deprioritized your spawn. However, I have set and enforced boundaries and standards of behavior and standards of performance. Your Spawn have deprioritized themselves by being dumb ass little failed family shits and you have devalued them by failing to parent.
There is only one
There is only one unassailable top priority in a marriage of any flavor. The marriage and the partners are THE priority to each other.
Kids, regardless of flavor, are not the unassailable top priority. Minor kids are the top adult responsibility in the partnership/marriage. Adult children, are neither the priority or a responsibility.
The partners are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in the home regardless of kid biology. BKs, Skids, foster, adopted, etc....
The partners in a same sex marriage are no less, or more, a priority. Regardless of where a couple lies on the alphabet soup of orientation they are spouses, partners, and the priority to each other. Period. Dot.
For clarification, my incredible son is a gay man. I could not be prouder of him than I am. He is an incredible man of character, honor, and standing in his adult life, his career, and his community.
Why anyone would think that a gay/alphabet soup spouse is any more or less "first" than a hetero spouse is mind boggling to me.
Yes Spideyfan000, your DW is a keeper.
All IMHO of course.
Exactly
One thing I want to add is that people think I love my DW more than my kids and that she feels the same. Well we don't, the love is EQUAL but DIFFERENT. If there was on coming train headed for our family, DW and myself would both of each other at the forefront of our kids to make sure they have time to get away from the train while WE take the blow first. I'm very well aware that the world doesn't revolve around our marriage and our kids so we know how to balance our (Through tragedy unfortunately) lives equally but we will not forget our commitment to each other.
Also, it's funny you mentioned that your SS is a gay man. SS23 is bisexual as well and very few people know it. DW heard it from the In Laws. We are hoping one day that SS23 realizes how much DW loves him and his late brother. I wish a lot of the SK's on here realize that the love their parents have for them has not diminished not even in the slightest. There's plenty of love to go around.
As you point out, the love
As you point out, the love for a spouse and the love for kids is not a more or less thing. Those loves are entirely different things.
Minor kids are the top responsibility for the adults in the central family relationship. Once kids launch, they are no longer either a responsibility or a priority. They are their own priority and responsibility until they partner and create families of their own. They are still loved by their parents, who then shift to engaging their partnership for their own collective benefit rather than for raising minor children.
I don’t think that a
Same sex marriage. Makes a difference. The same problem will come up. Just a different cast of characters
Oh I'm aware
I just felt like sharing something positive today *biggrin*