Co dependent
I would like to know how anyone communicates with their adult stepchildren an husband. My step kids are 33 and 37. The 33 year old was asked to leave since he worked PT, gamed and didn't help around the house which caused grief from the older son who said it's not right he was asked to leave. My husband has no backbone when his kids talk to him. These boys had college paid for, received a car, car insurance and cell phones, Costco, Amazon prime, etc everything paid for and I'm sure my husband is still paying for things. The younger one moved out is state and did not communicate with us for 4 years. He called his dad when he needed money or needed help paying a hospital bill. The oldest lives about an hour away. He doesn't ask, but tells us that he is off from work on XD days and he is coming to spend the night for a few days or a week. Not asking if we are working but just tells my husband. He doesn't even hang or talk to us. He watches tv, eats the food and doesn't talk to me. He told my husband he can't talk to me because I am not as smart as he is. Every holiday he wants to be at our house, spend the night and go to parties with us. My husband gets giddy and says yeah, he can come with us. He's not 2 anymore and I'm not sure why he can't hand with his friends. He said he has tons of friends and companies are offering him over $200k salaries because he's brilliant. I'm not sure if my husband thinks this is a completion between us. He even made a snide comment that his son makes more than me and has more money ( his grandparents gave both boys inheritance). Their mom had inherited millions, their mother has family without kids so they have been told they will inherit their millions. How come my husband still supports them? The oldest even told his dad to make sue he keeps the house perfect so when he gets it he won't have to do anything. A counselor told me if I have so much angst when his boys are here then my husband should go visit them and not have them come over. I literally can not sleep, get criticized for my cooking, I have anxiety when the oldest comes over. There are other issues but how do you handle or even talk to the stepkids? My husband even said if anything happens to him they would never see me again. What the heck? The kids hate me because the mom no longer has a key to the house and can not come over. I used to cone in and she would be sitting in the house or making things. So weird.
People who harp on their
People who harp on their brilliance and blather about how they are smarter than you are, aren't. Time to go scorched earth and bare their asses at ever expostulation of dumbassedness they spout.
Time for daddy to understand that they are not in your life and he can have a relationship with them remote from you, your home, and your life.
Time to end the family home bullshit, sell the house, buy a home that is yours and DH's to make a life, memories, and smiles in that his X and his failed family progeny have zero claim to and zero memories of or emotional attachement to. Never give any of them a key. If DH does, rekey the locks. In fact, go with programmable biolocks that require a thumb print to get in. That way, only and DH can access the home. Go for a record everything multi cameral and audio recording alarm system that you can monitor remotely from your phone and immediately notify the authorities if any of them show up at your home whether you are home or not.
That your DH has joined his idiot children in badmouthing your, makes them all a write off IMHO. Consider leaving this dumbass and getting on with living your best life.
Our father would have ended us if we ever treated him or his bride as your DH's failed family crotch refuse treat you and him. He needs to reposses his balls from his failed family and man up.
Grrrrr!!!!!!
Agreed...
...confidence is quiet. My dad used to say, "If you are all that, people will figure it out on their own. No need to tell them."
Please stop cooking for anyone who criticizes your
Please stop cooking for anyone who criticizes your cooking. Your therapist is right, if his kids won't treat you with respect in your own home, they shouldn't be there. It seems your biggest problem is your DH. A good husband would correct his adult kid who says he won't talk to you because you are not as smart as him. How does your husband generally treat you?
You make a good point. He
You make a good point. He usually treats me well, but when I ask him to defend me he says he didn't hear his kids or he says they are kidding. He can't go against his kids which I think is odd.
Frustrated86 it seems MANY of
Frustrated86 it seems MANY of us have the DH that "didn't hear / see the disrespect from his kids." Its a common theme and unacceptable behavior. I too, dealt with adult SKIDs criticizing my food after eating every last bite and taking seconds - even to the point where one crunched up potato chips and put the chips on top of gourmet food. I sat there in disbelief as they dove into "what was wrong with the food." I am unclear why this common theme strikes stepmoms in particular but the advice to NEVER cook for them again is the right advice. Your DH can handle giving them a frozen pizza, that's it. You stop doing this stuff.
As for the intelligence comment - I am highly trained, specialized and went to an elite institution. My SKIDs barely made their grades and hold low level positions- Nothing wrong with their choices, BUT somehow they too love to push back that I am not intelligent and that my background was "lucky." I've decided that they may actually feel inferior and that is their reason for push back. Nowadays, I could care less what they think. Honestly, do you really care about the SKIDs' opinion of you?
“Poison”
A friend had a stepson who would always ask what was in the food she made. She actually told him "poison". Haha! I guess he laughed and that was the end of that!
"The kids hate me because the
"The kids hate me because the mom no longer has a key to the house and can not come over. I used to cone in and she would be sitting in the house or making things. So weird."
This part is huge. I learned the hard way that when you come into a bizarre situation like that, the best thing to do is turn right back around and wish them well.
I did the same with my SO's BM. She was still very enmeshed with my SO's house and his entire family. She would come to SO's house and cook a meal and invite his whole family over to eat, while she was married to another man who wasn't invited or informed of her actions. When i came along and said "It's her or me in this house", my SO chose me but the rest of the family chose BM. That sets up for a life of problems. Basically, your DH wasn't bothered by it but you were. Even when you "win" in a no-boundary enmeshed sister wife situation, you still lose.
And lemme guess, your DH doesn't call his adult poopsie-men out on their behavior and lets them treat you like crap because he's so desperate to see them.
SS Has such a great job. And has so much money
He can take you all out to eat. Instead of you cooking . Or as the modern generation does Uber in food from a restaurant. He can also pay for a cleaning service to come in once a week and clean do laundry , bedding ect
You describe my DH too. Or,
You describe my DH too. Or, at least how he used to treat his adult kids. They could do no wrong, they were the smartest, most talented humans ever to live and weren't we lucky when they looked our way?
I couldn't stand it. I had to distance myself from them, but DH still chased and worshipped them.
It blew up a few years ago when his kids gave him orders for action that directly and negatively affected me. At that point he had to choose, and he chose to support me.
He talks to SS about once a month (and he's still the smartest, most talented person ever, but mysteriously can't hold a job or find the next one). SD doesn't speak to him at all. It's truly, truly sad.
UGH.
Wow. Sell that house and get your own house that he will never inherit because youve got your side to think about, while his side inherits their millions.
Time to redo the locks on your current house.
No more just showing up, they are in their 30's and will not come over unexpectedly.
We...
...had communication problems in the beginning.
YSD was needy. I gently point out what I see, and remind DH that she is an adult. Have even had to remind him that she's 32 when he has told me "she's just a kid". Nope! Have set limits on dog sitting, baby sitting, errands/favors, etc. He had been at her beck and call for almost 20 years following the divorce; it was past time to allow her to grow up and be an adult. They text daily; I am respectful, kind, and polite when in her company.
OSD is a mentally ill, abusive alcoholic. DH did not even identify that her behavior was abusive; I think everyone was used to it. Sad, I know. Due to her treatment of me, plus how she treats her father, I have zero contact with her and he has almost none. She really used to pull shenanigans when we were first together; I think it shows progress that I can look back and chuckle at some of them. It's interesting that she still contacts him when she needs money. (Even more interesting...she has money for lip injections and fake eyelashes!) Thankfully that had stopped before we were together. She hated the idea of me before she met me; was trying to 'direct traffic' even at the beginning of our relationship. One major problem is that she had never really been told "no". I have no problem saying "no". Oil and water. I have treated her with respect, kindness, and tried to be a part of the solution. Until I was done. Now I'm overdone.
How to talk to your husband? I have learned that my tone is really important! It was really easy to let emotion get the best of me. No more. One has much more success when approaching any situation with calmness and kindness; of course I already knew this but was not accustomed to dealing with nonsense. Also, concrete facts are important. "Always" and "never" do not work, use specific date, behavior, etc. after you have given youself time to collect yourself and identify what needs to be brought up. Some things do not qualify, it is not always worth it. Approach discussions with a 'how can we handle this together' mindset. You are a team, remind him of that if needed. I hope this helps. I care, good luck to you.
Screw that
Screw that
You have a dh problem.
Here is what I would do...as noted above, hire a cleaning company to do DEEP cleaning before and after and DH will pay for it. Deep cleans can be very expensive lol
I would not lift a finger to cook either. They can order take out or go out.
Maybe it is time to find a good lawyer???