OT - Anyone heard of "Co-Regulation?"
I googled "Co-Regulation" and see nothing but positive articles, lots of Parent/Child relationship stuff and some Partner/Spouse stuff. But nothing about what I vibe is going on with a friend of mine and her partner. The partner tells my friend they need to "Co-Regulate" each other but to me it looks like "Partner" is looking to manipulate and control my friend via these f*cking needy-as-hell "Co-Regulation" demands.
I'm pretty sure they're heading towards a break-up (=4-year relationship). The partner has two teens, and overshares with her kids about her relationship with my friend (=no kids)... which in my view is totally wrong snd looks a LOT like the triangulation many of us on StepTalk have experienced from Disney Dads and HCGUBMs. Alllll my red flags are raised and I do believe (hope!) my friend has just about had enough of this sh*t.
I'm just curious if any of you have heard of this, since nothing came up when I searched for "Co-Regulation Manipulation" or "Co-Regulation Control." I find the Parent/Child scenario's make sense as the goal is to teach the child how to self-regulate, but in my friends' specific relationship with another adult I'm wondering why the Partner insists she cannot be happy or okay unless my Friend "Co-Regulates" her in ways that seem very manipulative and controlling; ways that my friend has explicitly and repeatedly advised Partner that Friend is not okay with. Partner HATES Friends' independence and accuses her of having Anxious/Avoidant behavior whenever Friend keeps boundaries.
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More pseudo science bunk from the otherwise unemployable.
Someone is a manipulator wrapping their toxic bullshit in pseudo science effluent. IMHO of course.
Co-regulation (or coregulation) is a term used in psychology. It is defined most broadly as a "continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner". An important aspect of this idea is that co-regulation cannot be reduced down to the behaviors or experiences of the individuals involved in the interaction.[1] The interaction is a result of each participant repeatedly regulating the behavior of the other. It is a continuous and dynamic process, rather than the exchange of discrete information.[2]
I would say your friend's SO is a write off for this kind of crap.
smh
Agree 100%
Rags, you hit the nail on the head:
Looking at it one way.. being
Looking at it one way.. being cognizant of your partner's emotional state and not doing things to cause "more harm" to it.. like if you know they are going through a stressful period at work.. it isn't the time to dredge up conflicts at home that aren't necessary at that exact time. Or, kind of like the other post about not being responsible for other's feelings.. and my thought that we should care about other's feelings if they are reciprocal in caring about ours... in a healthy relationship, people don't need a label for it. We are in tune with our partner's life and feelings. We know things they are sensitive about and we want the best for them.. so want to make their lives as nice and stress free as we can affect. And.. they are in tune with us and not going about doing/saying things that cause us stress.
But, the problem is that many people trying to use this "pseudo science effluent" ( lol Rags)... is that they are NOT in healthy relationships.. not with healthy emotional people.. and it becomes a tool to manipulate their partners into giving in to keep peace..because they are told that they have to tip toe so that their partner is not feeling "bad". They have to give in to demands because.. otherwise their partner will become upset... and then it becomes their fault the partner is upset.
Again.. in normal, caring relationships.. people naturally care about their partners and would care about their emotional wellbeing.. and help their partner through rough spots... but in a relationship with the wrong person.. that intention can be twisted into a manipulative tool.
It also rubs me a bit wrong when people try to diagnose everything in some psych way.... I feel that we have swung the pendulum too far in leaning into every shade of "not normal".. when the reality is that "normal" is not one center point on a graph.. and just because you want to put a name on it.. doesn't mean that I have to give you any allowance for crap behavior due to your "syndrome"
Yep. The danger of a Narc
Yep. The danger of a Narc partner using this to just keep doing what they are doing, to gaslight, and avoid getting called out for their crap is what scares me about this. The APA does not even recognize this as far as I can tell. When the paramount governing organization of the pseudo sciences won't recognize something.... that is all I have to say about that..... for the moment.
Co-regulation. Sounds something akin to Cranio-Rectolocation.
Toxic manipulative behavior has to be confronted and stopped immediately regardless of the fee fees involved.
IMHO of course.
Co-regulating with your
Co-regulating with your partner could possibly work IF both parties are fairly well-adjusted in life.
If one or both have any mental health/personality disorders then it seems that wouldn't be the best idea.
"Yes Honey, join me in my
"Yes Honey, join me in my Narc-Toxicity. Be like meeeeeeeee! so I can manipulate you with your help."