I've Now Heard it All!
I married into a family who is not very receptive to outsiders. DH knows that their dismissiveness is hurtful to me, so he reached out to said family and asked that they reach out to me. I know his heart was in the right place, but I wish he had never done it. It seems they are holding a grudge because I have set limits with OSD, and 'handled it wrong'. Much needed limits! I must add that these people have very little to do with OSD because of her long-standing bad behavior. So...I should put up with her behavior? And welcome her into our home? MIL was on the phone during OSD's 45 minute crazed tirade/attempted break-in this past June; she heard it all, yet she blames me! Unbelievable! She even said she thought OSD "was killing Trudie"...yet did nothing! And blames me! She never heard a word come out of my mouth, because I didn't say one. I refuse to engage with nonsense. What I did do, was make sure the doors were secured when she was trying to break in and I lowered the shades for privacy. I should have called the police.
One member here told me that I never had a chance. I acknowledged that to be true. Yesterday was just a painful reminder. I realize I am a threat to their belief that everything is 'just fine' in their core family structure. I have disengaged other than a polite greeting and smile when I see them. I really do not know what else to do? DH is hopeful that there will be a relationship someday, "it takes time to build relationships". This may be true in some cases, but I have a handful of long-term besties who I bonded with almost immediately. I am blessed to have found my tribe; even when life is busy, we are able to maintain our friendship. I have their back and I never doubt that they have mine. I guess that is one of the wonderful things about friends...we choose them and they choose us!
For now, I plan to remain respectfully polite. I don't know what else I can do?
Has anyone had extended family like this? What did you do? I really would value input.
Thank you.
These people sound crazy.
These people sound crazy. Hold onto what you KNOW is reality and what you know is the right thing to do and stand your ground! Sounds like your DH, while he might be well-meaning, needs to give up his fantasy that all will be fine.
Thank you.
Yes, I would agree they do not view life through a discerning lens! I think all will be 'fine' on the surface, they will hug me at holidays and pretend. (Oh yay!) I have never been a 'player' in superficial relationships, but for the sake of my DH I will remain polite, respectful, and move on just as I would to anyone else. I also have never been good at being fake.
DH is the glue that holds his family together. Since he has remarried, after almost 20 years of single life, we do things together and that does not leave him the time to cater to them. (I would guess they are resentful of that.) I think since he is the glue, by association he thinks I should be too...I believe this is not even a conscious thought. I think it odd not to celebrate that your family member has found a life partner and best friend.
Thank you, Mia, for your input and listening. I appreciate you.
It sounds like that is a
It sounds like that is a family with generational dysfunction. Some entire families are personality disordered. Even if you "win" and are accepted, you lose because you are now part of the toxicity. Polite distance is the way to go, unless they go out of their way to fk with you.
Thank you.
Agreed, there is definitely generational dysfunction. I say "no" to dysfunction and toxicity! I grew up in an abusive home and had an abusive husband. Nine years ago, through therapy, I started clawing my way out of the depths of dysfunction. Best thing I have ever done in my life! My therapist and I have a great relationship; I frequently ask, "Am I on the right track, or am I full of BS?" She is not there to be my friend, she is there to help me explore/deal with the hard truths. I see myself not as a victim, but a warrior for change. I am thankful for what she has helped me to accomplish every single day.
I know I will never be accepted. I feel sad for DH, because he really wants that and is disappointed in his family. Agreed, polite distance is the path I am taking.
OSD definitely choose to fk with the wrong person. She is feeling the pain of her poor choices. Not my problem.
Thank you, Ruplestiltskin, for listening and your comments. I appreciate you.
There is not enough time in
There is not enough time in all of eternity to create a relationship with toxic morons who have no intention of making a relationship with you.
Next time, call the police and bring consequences down on your murderous SD like stink on the shit that she is. Any time your MIL tries to engage, be direct and clear. "You do not tolerate this toxic kid in your lives, why should I? Hmmmmm? Answer me please. Now."
Keep them in their place, set your standards of behavior that you require, and set and defend your boundaries brutally. That is all the hill to plant your flag and die on.
IMHO of course.
Thank you.
I 100% agree with this! And...do I really want to waste eternity on people like this? NO!
DH has told me I don't want to defy his mother, that I will not like it. She does not scare me, I can hold my own. 33+ years in healthcare has taught me a lot. I am no longer the shy, frightened young woman I used to be. I stand toe to toe with those who try to deliver nonsense, the result has been respect. I have become the 'go-to' for complaints and grievances, whether it be colleagues or patients; the goal is respectful resolution.
I asked DH last night if he thought the result would be the same in the following scenarios:
1. How would your mom feel if someone was treating her daughter like OSD treats me?
2. How would your sister feel if someone was treating her daughter like OSD treats me?
3. How would your family respond if I was treating OSD the way she treats me?
He agreed that it would not be tolerated. This disparity is telling.
Thank you, Rags, for your comments and listening. I appreciate you.
Like yours, my DH's family is
Like yours, my DH's family is not receptive to outsiders. His mother is the worst, in the 22 yrs I've been with him, she has never asked me a question about myself! He has currently been estranged from her since May this year, as he tried to share some information about how he had experienced being sent away to boarding school, aged 8 (not in an accusatory way) and she was extremely rude to him. His two brothers have never shown the slightest interest in me. In 2018, I made a remark to her about this, and she said I'd no right to comment, as I wasn't "part of the family" - I'd been with DH for 16 years at this point.
I don't take it personally because MIL was just the same to DH's first wife, but really I have no time for her.
Both close IL relationships, and what you have can be toxic.
My XILs were engaging. That turned out to be a facade of a quality family. Fortunately I escaped before the federal marshals showed up. I got out after my divorce from their serially adulterous eldest daughter 19 years before XMIL was arrested for embezzling $Millions from her employer of 30 years. I had a very close relationship with them. So their daughters cheating and filing for divorce to breed with her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy saved me a very long and painful life.
My incredibles bride's family were and are the opposite. They had no nterest in any relationship with me. However, they love their DD so they had no choice but to include me in their activities when we visited. DW would not tolerate anything less.
Even with that, we were considered the idiot city college educated branch of the clan. The rest are all agriculture laborers and fancy themselves as farmers. In their minds we don't understand farming or Ag business. We are both MBAs and we many not have Ag business experience but the object of any business is profit. They argue that absolute fact, their eyes glaze over, and they get all weepy about their dream of farming greatness.
My FIL basically bankrupted the family with his dreams, lost two farms to foreclosure. MIL has wasted her life on the dream of early retirement and for years spent every Cent she earned at casinos to win their retirement.
Sadly, my DW's three younger sibs are full products of that whole mess
I have long known that my bride is either an alien implant or a mutant. There is no other explanation. From a very early age she knew she wanted to go to college and be an accountant. She made that happen and has a very successful career as a partner track CPA.
Having the conversations about basic business strategy, cost control, investing advice, crop specific cost models, etc.... and putting a spotlight on the poor decisions associated with their dreams of instant agriculture gratification and a romantic hazy view of being farmers, does not make me or DW particularly welcomed in their multigenerational instant gratification delusions.
It has taken a very long time but our continued redirection of their efforts, basic business guidance, etc... has salvaged them all from abject poverty which they lived for many years first in MIL and FIL's core family then in their own families as DW's three younger sibs married. They all live just barely above paycheck to paycheck, have home forclosures, car reposessions, and bankruptcies that have delivered them enough pain, embarrassment, and lessons that they have learned to stay just ahead of financial disaster.
About 10yrs ago DW worked with her Aunt to engage an investment advisor to firm up her retirement planning and get her then 30 years with the State retirement investements and pension distributions under management. MIL mopingly asked to join DW and her Aunt (MIL's sister) for an investement meeting with the advisor DW researched and recommended for her Aunt. MIL went, ended up in tears sobbing about their dreams, angry that if she had stayed working for the State instead of quiting and casing out her retirement to spawn my SIL (the hell spawned rip off artist from hell). The cashed out retirement was gone in less than 2yrs.
We had presented an option to my ILs that we would buy them a house in our name, we would pay all of their living expenses, etc... if... they deposited their entire income each payday into an account that only my DW had access to. We would pay their bills, pay off the mortgage on the hosue weoffered to buy for them, give them an allowance, and invest the remainder for them. Once the house was paid off we would recover our investment in that house and when they needed to move into retirement housing we would sell the house and use the proceeds for their support.
During the investment adviser meeting that DW, Aunt, and MIL were in after MIL got her tears out the adviser outlined nearly verbatim the offer we made to my ILs. The adviser advised MIL to have her entire income deposited with the adviser, eh woud pay all of her bills including her house payment, give her an allowance, invest the left overs. He told her if she went to a casino even once he would cash her investements out, give her a check and fire her as a client.
Aunt retired a couple of years ago very well off, MIL has been with the adviser for just over ten years, her home has been saved, she has some assets, the advisor gave her money to buy a newer reliable car, and she is no longer on the ragged edge of destitution.
When we made the offer you would have thought we were trying to offend and embarrass them. When the advisor did it, it was completely acceptable to them.
It has actually worked out far better than if they had taken us up on our offer since invariably they would have put us in the mean, keeping their money, ripping them off drawer in their lives.
One set of my ILs were crooks. My current ILs are naive and have a nearly completely unsupported collective superiority complex.
We minimize that drama by limiting our interface with my IL clan. I interface with them only a fraction of what DW does. Though when she comes home from a SpermLand visit with her family, it is an emotional recovery period for her to work through the invariable drama and heartbreak she experiences with her own family.
Interestingly her soul calming family time is with my family. She has long told me that my parents are her adult examples, advisors, and family since she is the only adult in her entire family.
I won the parent lottery. I am truly blessed to have the incredible mom and dad that I do. I won the bride lottery. At least the second time I played. Sadly I lost the IL lottery both times. Fortuantely I got out before the first ILs destroyed me along with their family, and my incredible bride and I partner effectively in keeping my IL clan contained and directed well enough that we can protect ourselves from them and somewhat protect them from themselves.
Thank you.
"I have long known that my bride is either an alien implant or a mutant." So many times, I have felt this way about my DH too!
It is interesting to me that they did not welcome you with open arms. Raising a child, as your own, is admirable. How can they not see that?
Thank you, Rags, I always like reading your stories and picking nuggets of wisdom from them. I appreciate you.
Wow. And you're doing it
Wow. And you're doing it right: "have no time for her/[them]" These types are not worth it!
Thank you.
I appreciate you sharing this, it helps me to know I am not alone. I have empathy for what you have gone through. 2 years has been enough for me. Like you, I have no time for the nonsense either. You say you don't take it personally, was it always this way or was it a journey to get where you are at? Also, how does your husband react to this? Is he supportive of you?
Thank you, Kes, for sharing and for your comments. I appreciate you.
Your husband was in the wrong
Your husband was in the wrong to tell toxic, ill meaning external family members to reach out to you. I would put them on block and discuss with your spouse. Sure, relationships take time but this is NOT the way to go about doing it.. By opening yourself up to toxic people who want to ambush you and blame you. I would find space away from those people.
OSD had a crazy tirade and break in. Nobody needs to be put in the middle of that mess. I wouldn't be ok with being told I was at fault for someone else's tirade. But since they're all on the crazy train there's no need to open yourself up to more hurt.
You are looking at it all wrong
MIL is in it's not my fault, thinks not my fault,it must be someone else's fault. Can't blame family members, SO,DS,DD, so who is left, you, it's all your fault. You are completely correct to disengage from these dysfunctional people. MIL Being dysfunctional you most likely never have a meaningful relationship with her and her family.
Thank you.
You are right! It is not my fault! MIL's and SIL's reasoning makes sense to dysfuntional people. DH told me that this way has worked for 60 years; of course if it REALLY had worked, we would not be dealing with this now. I undersand that confronting the dysfuntion in his family has got to be hard: thankfully he is open to healthy, new ways of looking at the facts. I am happy that he has made monumental progress; yet, sometimes he will say something that I will have to negate and explain so he can see the situation with clarity.
No, I will likely never have more than a distant, polite relationship with the extended family. It's ironic because his cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends have welcomed me with open arms. They are friendly and welcoming, I am thankful for that.
Thank you, Harry, for your imput and listening. I appreciate you.
Thank you.
I know DH did it in an attempt to 'fix' things, but I wish he would not have done it. I regret that the way his family treats me causes him stress, but THEY are the source of that stress, not me, not DH. Many relationships do take time, but to not welcome the 'new' person just makes no sense to me. We have all been the 'new' person...school, friend groups, career, family, etc. Basic human decency dictates one be friendly and make the person feel welcome.
It's almost funny because they act like I am the one who had the crazy tirade! Maybe someday I will laugh about this...I'm just not there yet. They think we should not have said "no", that DH should just take the card and gift. When DH said "no" to her coming over and had already defined boundaries, letting her in because of her nonsense would have shown her that throwing a fit will get her what she wants. (She has been held in contempt of court for violating a restraining order in the past.) Why set a boundary if you allow her to cross it? Historically, she acts up, they smooth it over by giving her what she wants, and move forward never mentioning her bad behavior. Alcoholism is a family disease; ideally the family needs to take action to get healthy too.
No, I am definitely not okay with being told I have not handled OSD correctly. If this had come from my therapist, it would be a different story, but it comes from people not educated in this realm and who sweep it all under the rug. They are defintely not qualified to place judgement. I see it for what it is, I am the scapegoat for their family dysfunction; my presence has brought a long-standing issue to the forefront and they want to blame someone. That someone happens to be me.
I can not take anyone who suggests I put up with abuse seriously; they will just have to sit with their own discomfort. It's on them.
Thank you, Yesterdays, for sharing and for listening. I appreciate you.
SD25 Feral Forger
She has alienated a few folks in "the Clan" as they call themselves.
She has accused Husband of abusing her, and accused me of taking him away from her, and Im sure the younger set believes her nonsense.
Either way, they are polite, but cold and regularly dismissive.
Thank you.
Oh goodness.... Does she not realize the love for a spouse does not negate the love for a child? Entirely differernt type of love, there is room for both.
I am glad they are polite, that is a small win. I am learning not to care what the ignorant think.
Thank you for your response, CLove, I appreciate you. I also have to thank you because everytime I hear 'Feral Forger', it makes me laugh. I needed that! Someone else here referred to one of the SDs as a walrus...I now think of that everytime I see YSD chewing her nails...which is just about every time I see her. It to helps to have my private snicker. Is that horrible?