Vegas trip and permanent ink that is apparently no so permanent...
We recently took my SS17 to Vegas. It is one of the spots where you may get a tattoo with parental consent under age 18. We took him for the sole purpose of his first tattoo that he has been begging for. He is a good kid, makes good grades, plays sports and is very well mannered.
We don't really drink or gamble so even without SS17 we wouldn't have gone to Vegas for the typical reasons most might. I was in for some hiking and shows but teenagers these days...at least this one had no interest except walking the strip and people watching. I am still very much in need of my adults only get away.
Since the plan was his tattoo and we also enjoy tattoos plus are engaged to be married, we made appointments to have some work done ourselves. It was my SO's idea to get rings tattood on our ring fingers.
I'm all for it. I am fairly covered up and love them plus I considered it a very sweet gesture on his part. He is a builder and works with his hands so rings aren't ideal anyhow (maybe silicone).
When we got engaged (2/23/24) and saw some family at an unrelated event he jokingly said that I made him propose. He then made a similar comment to a friend a few weeks later. I am a firm believer that there is some truth behind every joke so it started to mess with me a little bit. I asked him one evening "do you really feel like I made you or pressured you to propose? His reply was immediate and dismissive "of course not, I wouldn't do anything I don't want to do". Okay, I accept that.
Fast forward to tattoos in Vegas. He decided to get letters on his right hand across his knuckles and a ring on his ring finger of his left. His right hand is 4 letters each representing one of our names. His,mine and my two skids. His ring matched mine in a way just larger and more "manly".
I was last to go for the day. I do remember thinking this whole ring tattoo situation shoud be a sweet/sincere moment between us, but it was like getting any other tattoo. My guy is very shy and even when he proposed he did so in private so perhaps I'll chaulk the lack of tender moment up to feeling awkward about being in a tattoo shop in Vegas. I remember when mine was finished the artist said "well I was going to ask if you wanted to go show him but when I asked him the same thing he said "she's alright". Usually couples are all excited to show their partner stuff like that. How long have yall been married?". As if his lack of excitement indicates we have been married forever. Hearing that probably added to my feeling blah about it not being a sweet moment. It certainly took away from the experience.
Before I went back for my ring I joked with my SS that I should pretend to SO that I changed my mind about the whole ring tattoo idea and just want to leave. He was begging me to do it and keep a straight face but I knew the only way to pull it off would be for me to come across as dead serious and I am just not that cruel.
My SO knew something was up becasue my SS an I were giggling and I was saying "I just cant" and he wanted to know what was up and what was so funny. I told him that I was saying I would tell him that I had changed my mind about the ring tattoo but I just couldn't do that to him. Without skipping a beat he says "Change your mind, its totally fine...I'll just have a skull and cross bones tattooed over it!" My reaction was "wow, already have a back up plan eh?"
He wasn't kidding is the thing. He literally has thought about it. So...here I am wondering what was the point if it can just be covered up. Should I not really care and consider its the actual marriage that matters...? A tattoo is an easier fix than a divorce but I have no plans for either. I certainly woudn't have snapped back so quickly but maybe I am making it a bigger deal than it is.???
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I think that your feelings
I think that your feelings are valid. When you get married of course you want your fiancee to be excited!! It's all part of it. You are happy to be almost married. But the way he acts is depressing about it.
Does he show you kindness and consideration in other ways? Is he generally loving toward you? Just based off how he acts in this description above I would be quite annoyed. I don't think it is funny to joke to people about your engagement like he did. He makes it seem like you're not important or the marriage isn't. Like it's all a joke. I don't think that's nice or cool. He is trying to be funny? It comes off like an a$$
We have both been down this
We have both been down this road before so its a second marriage for us both. I am not a giddy blusing bride to be. I am more invested in this being a true meaningful partnership but yes youre right. I am still excited about it. I dont need or want a wedding but I am excited to take this next step.
He is very sweet and kind and loving. There isn't a day he doesn't tell me he loves me multiple times. He wont get off of the phone without saying it. He does a lot of little sweet things for sure.
I don't know if some of his friends and family throught he would ever marry again and hence the "joke" but I did tell him that I was in my head about it because there is truth behind every joke and he hasn't said anything like that since.
I know his last relationship (toxic bm to my SD7) he was never married to but it was an on and off again toxic mess for years. He's had no real examples of a strong marriage in his life so I do wonder if he believes it possible for him.
I on the other hand had the best example in my own parents so we are of opporsite ends of the spectrum when it comes to that.
I think you are seeing a lot
I think you are seeing a lot of things and feeling a lot of things that are giving you a very clear picture, I’m just not sure you are ready to accept it yet. When I married my DH I actually told my maid of honor at the time “I could just walk out right.” In the moment it was said jokingly, but here I am 20 years later and it really never was a joke I should have honestly listened to my gut and walked out.
I don't think it was a
I don't think it was a thought-out backup plan per se, rather the most natural knee-jerk reaction to being told about the "joke". You told him you were going to tell him you changed your mind, leaving him questioning where the relationship stood. He fired back with "you can't rattle me, I'd just get it covered up".
IMO I'd let it go IF this was the only thing making you question your decision to get married. Are there other things putting doubt in your mind?
The thing about "she made me propose to her"... has he stopped that after you told him about it? Did you tell him it hurts your feelings and how it makes you feel? If not, maybe sit down with him for a moment and explain exactly why it bothers you. Then she if he respects your wishes.
Think you really hurt and up uoset
Your SO. He was doing show people you are a committed couple, and you are joking at the time. He just said something to hurt you. As you hurt him
Some Man-spective and probably some man-splaining.
First, I am a man.
Second, men have concerns and insecurities. Ours tend to differ some from those of women. But we do have them.
Your joke was met with a joke. As you pointed out, all jokes may just have some truthful undertones to them. He got the tattoo and after he did, your joke scared the shit out of him so... add a skull to the tattoo. No big deal. Why is his joke some major affront and yours was just a joke. Play with fire, get singed.
So, why do you get to joke about the tattoo ring and he does not?
As for the tattoo rings, I think you both are putting the cart before the horse. Elope, you are in Vegas. Go home with the rings and married. Then have a great reception/celebration party. Just do not take SS with you to the Elvis chapel. No need to amp up any drama with the other kid, etc....
DW and I eloped.... 30 years ago. To Reno. Though ours was announced to family on both sides. No one in DW's core family chose to come though her aunt and uncle were there. My mom, brother, SIL and my then 5mo old niece were there. My Uni BFF and his long gone GF were there, and DW, me, and SS (then less than 2yo) were there.
It is my second marriage. My incredible bride and I married 4yrs almost to the day after my divorce decree was signed. We met 3yrs after I was divorced from my serially adulterous skank whore of an XW. DW was never married but as a single teen mom she had a 15mo old on her hip when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
At our wedding, I looked like I was going to puke the whole time. I had concerns. I never intended to remarry. Ever, though when I met my bride I knew that she was the one. That did not calm my gut wrenching fear of remarrying. It was a call from my dad with some advice that I was a young man and I could take another shot at building a life with someone, or I could go through life with a series of significant others. He and mom are BFFs married for 62 years. I took dad's advice, trusted my heart, and DW and I recently celebrated our 30th anniversary.
We renewed our vows on our 20th in DW's home down at a beautiful vinyard/winery. We had with the full meal deal catering, open bar, designer dress, etc... Our son "officiated" our renewal. He was 22yo. We did our 20th rather than 25th as many do because of my FIL's health. My concern was he would not make it until our 25th. Sadly, my concerns were valid. He passed just before our 24th anniversary.
One major lesson we have learned together is the need for direct conversation rather than hints, unstated wishes, reading of minds, etc......
I think you have an opportunity to actually communicate rather than continue with the unstated concerns, mystery maybe truths underlying "jokes", etc..... that you both obviously have.
Give it a try.
Just keep in mind that men are simple. We tend to mean what we say, hints, either subtle or brutal, are not an effective way to communicate with us. Say it. Whatever it is. Just say it. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked. There are no stupid answers so both of you listen, discuss, and align.
Or, don' waste your time or any more regretable tattoo gun needle pricks that are relationship related.
Take care of you. Trust in communication and actual discussion. Then make sure you actually implement that communication and discussion.
Just my Man-pinion of course.
Take care of you.
I appreciate all of the
I appreciate all of the replies and men's perspective. I feel silly really even bringing it up but I was obviously in my head about it and this helped so thank you!
Also @Rags I love your
Also @Rags I love your elopement story