The world revolves around SD and we are teaching her that every day!
I'm not even really sure where to begin. I am easily annoyed… Or triggered? My SD7 is sweet, funny, kind intuitive and also spoiled. There are times that she gets quiet usually when we're riding in the car and she stares out the window. I myself am a very introspective, self reflective, quiet person as is my SO.
However there seems to be this need of my SO to incessantly check on my SD.
BM is crazy and toxic and we will have an uphill battle always trying to provide the calm, positive light in her world. BM does clearly love her baby girl and they're like two peas in a pod when together. I imagine they are like besties more than mother/daughter.
I've said on here before that my SD already believes the world revolves around her and her entertainment but my SO is so over the top doting and coddling it drives me crazy.
We had her this weekend and picked her up Friday but had to go to the grocery store and run a few errands. You know typical things adults that both work full time have to take care of after work and on weekends. Anyhow the entire time we were in the car I swear to god my SO asked SD a million times if she was alright and if she needed anything. I wanted to scream. She's literally just chilling in the back seat and you're worried about what?! She's not entertained enough?! It kills me.
We had my SS17 ball games Saturday which was a 2 hour drive to get to and told SD to pack her tablet and video games and anything else she may want during the day. She packed a tablet and no charger (it was dead). She packed a video game but no headphones. To me lessons in responsibility. Next time she will remember those things.
Anyhow in this political climate my SO and I are both paying close attention and were listening to some talk radio on the way to my SS ball games and SD threw a fit about listening to "people talk". "I don't want to hear this!!!"
Please know that my SD and I have loveable, playful and sweet relationship but I don't coddle and i definitely push back. So she's throwing a fit and I simply said "this is important to us and maybe one day it will be to you also but this is exactly why you were packing things for today. You should have remembered your headphones".
My SO on the other hand "oh I'm sorry baby girl, what do you want to listen to?" And turns off what we were listening to. Now granted she fell asleep within 20 min or so and we turned it back on but it's just the constant "are you OK? How are you feeling? What do you need? What can I get you? What do you wanna listen to? Are you OK?" To me feeding the rhetoric that world revolves around her.
It was really hard for me not to say something smart and sarcastic to SO
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It’s all about CONTROL
SD was bord because she forgot her charger. Head phones so she started to control the car. Instead of DH parenting his child. Or giving her things to do. He gave in to her putting her in charge of the car.
SD is 7 yo. If you start this nonsense now. Ybarra life is going to be a second place DW. You should of been the evel SM and informed SD this is your car, she is your guest. You are in control of the radio/ entertainment. She should be quiet and take a nap.
If DH does not understand or approve of this. Next week he can go alone to SS. Game. You are doing him a favor,, he should appreciate you.
The Disneyland dad I used to
The Disneyland dad I used to deal with was like this with his kids
constant coddling, zero accountability, no responsibility, and so many choices that the bill paying adults don't even have
girl these Disney dudes think this crap is cute till they (and everyone else around them) become lowly peasants for their entitled narcissist in training spawns.
No and no .... nip it in the bud now or you'll be competing with a self-centered mini spouse teen years and beyond
Agree. I need to. I have had
Agree. I need to. I have had the conversation with him that it's not his role as her parent to ensure her constant entertainment. He's worried she will start to loathe spending time with him because BM constantly spoils and coddles. BM is a toxic nightmare and parent shames my SO constantly about anything and everything none of which has any validity.
It is 100% BM goal to slowly turn her against us and it's my belief that positive reinforcement with structure and discipline and love is the only answer but I am not a bio to any child so what do i know ... eye roll...
I will say when I have brought stuff up to SO it usually doesn't sit well in the moment but it absorbs with some reflection and he comes around. I need to stay on this one because his fear is what he will end up creating IMO.
Why didn't you immediately
Why didn't you immediately turn it back on and jerk a knot in DH's tail. "I was listening to that. She can put on her headphones." Then turn up the volume.
I am not that reactive I
I am not that reactive I guess. I'm tend to internalize and stew over but that can lead to major resentment so perhaps next time this happens that is precisely what I need to do.
Doing nothing, solves nothing
Doing nothing, solves nothing. I find that stewing is far more negatively impactful on me than directly addressing the situation. My guess is that much of this crap continues to happen because DH and the SKid know you won't say or do anything about it.
Take care of you.
I'll NEVER forget
When The HousesHitter (YSS at the time 6) was being picked up by Daaadeeee in the pickup truck.
1. Chef arrived at least 20 minutes early (eye roll)
2. YSS ignored the school bus drivers instructions and ran out into traffic toward Daaddeee almost getting run over (don't tempt me)
3. I opened the door (passenger side) and he PLOPPED INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT WHERE I HAD BEEN SITTING. As if to say "you can walk back home or ride in the bed!"
4. I made him scoot to the middle as Chef probably thought #3 was "funny."
5. He immediately started messing with the radio and turning up the volume to the max to the level of ear drum damage and Chef wouldn't stop him until mean ol' ThinkThrice told him "hands off." At which point I received a scolding and stinkeye from Chef for daring to admonish his brat in an attempt to preserve my hearing.
I likely would have reacted
I likely would have reacted the same way as unexpected chaos/loud noise is an overload to my sensories and hard for me to tolerate.
im guessing even with the look of disdain from chef that it didn't happen again?!?
My mom was a fan of "talk
My mom was a fan of "talk radio".. I cannot stand it really.. even today.. too much as a child I guess..haha.
But, the adults have control of the controls.. kids are in the back.. and that's how it goes.
Fortunately for kids there are now a lot of options for them, videos, games, private music. In my day it was the paperback games and a pencil.
At 7, i might have expected her dad to do a bit more oversight to make sure she had packed what she needed.. and I get it is a learning lesson.. but 7 is still a little young to expect total responsibility for things like that. Next time, maybe dad can do a pre drive overview of what she is bringing just to reinforce and remind her?
I wholeheartedly agree.
I wholeheartedly agree. Initially in our relationship it was sort of "expected" of me. This was not ever said aloud but you could sense the dissatisfaction when I did not automatically take on that "role". When I say it as a lesson in responsibility I don't mean at 7 she should have known better but if she had to listen to talk radio against her wishes she very well may remember her headphones next time. If not for her then a lesson for him as I didn't sign up to be the perfect housewife/mother/kid wrangler that he did by procreating.
Unfortunately the way it was handled no one learned anything ... except solidifying where I stand in this whole dynamic.
I have always joked that I am
I have always joked that I am not a good example.. I'm a cautionary tail..
The girls are grown now.. and I was not always perfect and didn't always want the responsibility of them in my life.. though my DH did most of the actual care.. I cared about their outcomes.. because I knew bad outcomes could impact MY life.
My dh was the more indulgent and had a more indulgent upbringing.. I was brought up with more expectations ... like going to college was not a question for me.. and I knew grades and behaviors were a non negotiable.
So, sometimes I had to bite my tongue a little bit.. and honestly.. he was soft with me too.. so sometimes we take the chaffe with the wheat I guess.
Sometimes it seems my life is
Sometimes it seems my life is biting my tongue these days!
SD must be made to understand
You are the adult in this relationship. You are the one working. You have the final say in the radio selection. Also has the final say about everything. You must explain to your SO he has one failed marriage under his belt a.ready. There must be a reason. That he doesn't want two failed marriage.