She surfaced and made us an "offer"
First, I want to thank this board for being here so I have a place to go and vent.
SD surfaced here yesterday. She has a "deal" for us. Seems they have a timeshare in Gatlinburg and are going there in Oct. They have had it for 10 years and have never invited us but taken his family, friends etc. I digress.
They want us to go BUT (always the but) they want us to pay the gas to and from because, after all, they are providing the place to stay. When we get there we should rent our own car because they have places they want to go and things to do. The place has a kitchen so we can cook our own meals as they have specific places they like to go eat and because of hills etc., would be difficult to get us to. She said that if we got bored we could drive our rental home as they intended to stay 2 weeks.
Hubby, not really thinking about the "rules" was starting to say how nice that was, but I broke in. Told her to take a look at us, H can bearly walk and I use a rollinator. Last I remember, Gatlinburg is in the Smokey Mts and not exactly flat or easy for us to manuver. (we've been there) And finally, what she really wanted was not to take us somewhere or spend time with us or do things with us, but someone to pay for the gas.
Folks, she actually thinks she is being nice to us with this offer. REALLY! As I say, she is so much about her and her husband that is all she thinks about. Me, me, me, me.
Well, she didn't like what I said and left, but I made sure she knew our answer was NO.
Hubby got on me telling me she was trying to be nice to us. I finally got him calm enough to break things down as to how the alleged outing she wanted to take us on was not about us, but about us financing them through paying for their gas, etc. As I have said, he is not as sharp as he use to be, but once I took it point by point he wasn't too happy about it either.
This is an example of how she
This is an example of how she thinks - how self-centered she is. Never, in all the time we have been here has she ever taken us out for a burger, to a movie, or a day trip, even when we could get around.
Yes it's a win-win for her.
Yes it's a win-win for her. You finance the gas and she looks like the wonderful daughter spending time with Daddy and Sfepmom. Glad you said no.
Yeah...
Appreciate the offer, SD.....we can't make it.
Now is the time to start "planning" how you will handle her money-grabbing, going forward. Try not to let it stress you out....just laugh and say no. It's not easy...trust me...took me many years to get here (and lots of counseling).
Your SD just wants to milk some money out of you and your DH. And then go to your corner. SMH
Reminds me of the time DHs oldest daughter invited me out with them and DH. "You can meet us at the movie theatre after we eat." No invite to eat with them. I declined. LOL
Thanks Cajun. That is why I
Thanks Cajun. That is why I am so glad this forum is here. I can come here and vent and have what happened evaluated as to whether I am nit picking or right on. And it is not something you want to talk to the neighbors about. Though the neighbors have asked during the years why she is never around much and never at holidays (those are for HER and Her immediate family). She doesn't invite us to her house because of the item she stole from me....a large brass sun dial that you don't see around. IT was given to me by my best friend (we go all the way back to 2nd grade) gave me when I bought my first house. She is deceased. And, yes, she knows how much it means to me just as she knows that I know she has it. What a piece of work.
Your last remark reminds me of the one time she invited us for Thanksgiving dinner. Before dessert she got up an announced that she and her adult "boys" were going shopping (this was when the stores opened on Thanksgiving). BUT, her husband was going to stay behind for us (lucky us). Off she went. H and I were SHOCKED! Needless to say we left, but not after telling her H what I thought of the situation.
Next day H gets a call from her telling him we should have stuck around because when they got to Best Buy it was so crowded and the line was long, they just came home.
Or the one time she invited us for dinner along with her H. family. We got there with others and were all told that she was sorry she had to leave, that something had come up, but her H was goig to host! Since most of the others were his family they didn't mind (don't think she is real popular with them either). H and I didn't stick around. H*ll, you don't invite someone over and then leave.
OH, wasn't job related because she doesn't work, she was going out to a movie with her friends!
Gee.. thanks for thinking of
Gee.. thanks for thinking of us, but we won't be able to manage a trip like that. I mean.. what a wonderful opportunity to pay for gas, incurr a rental expense and then be stuck in a condo eating food you cook.. while they go out on the town. yeah.. nope.
It is not only the $$$ and
It is not only the $$$ and other things. IT is the fact that H has mobility problems due to age and I use a rollinator. Those hills, etc. would be very difficult if not impossible for us without help.
And yes, I made it very clear to her starting with: What the h*ll is wrong with you? I'm pas the point of trying to explain things to her because her warpped mind just doesn't comprehend.
She really thought that she was doing something nice for us. Honestly. She doesn't get it.
You have a good excuse to not
You have a good excuse to not go which makes it easier to simply say no. I would have just said a quick no anyhow. Just say no and don't look back. It's obvious they are scheming. But you can just say no you can't go..
I agree, I probably could
I agree, I probably could have been nicer, but if I were nice about it she would have kept pushing about what a good deal it was, how she wants to get us out and about, and is doing it for our good. I would have lost it and it would have been bad. Then H would be upset with me. This way I just pointed out the obvious.
I hear that!
While I don't go out of my way to be rude to my OSS, I've learned to not hold back when his narcissistic "suggestions " come out of his mouth. What do I have to lose at this point? Nothing....so I've learned to stand up for myself even if my DH isn't thrilled with my words. God knows DH won't put him in his place so I do when necessary. Glad you shut her down.
Yeah that was my point about
Yeah that was my point about you being stuck at the condo.. since you can't navigate the area outside well due to mobility.
I would have probably NOT been as harsh though.. Simply a "No, sorry we can't make it, with our mobility issues it wouldn't be a safe place for us to visit and not worth spending the money". and.. better yet if her DAD had given her that message.
Of course, that could have left the door open for her to suggest other trips. so a "No, we aren't up for traveling any more" might be better.
So what was said?
Did you state it that clearly to her, about the fact that all she really wanted was someone to pay the gas? Is that a huge expense to get to this cabin? And the fact that "hey theres a kitchen! For you to cook for yourselves because SHE wants to go out so you are on your own. And if you dont want to hang for the whole 2 weeks, you are free to go whenever.
And you are both not hikers it sounds...and its DANGEROUS for folks if they are not able to walk easily on uneven surfaces. It sounds like user SD doesnt like someone who is smarter than her being able to explain these things to her daddy cakes who thinks shes being such a great daughter. Never mind that shes had this place for 10 years and this is the FIRST time. And Ill bet you were better able to enjoy it 10 years ago, too.
UGH. I hope you book yourselves a nice relaxing holiday somewhere enjoyable. "Sorry SD, we have other plans, but thank you!"
Jaws Reboot - Starring Frustrated78
Frustrated78 stands at the shore, looking out at the sea, wondering if it’s really safe to get back into the water. Is the nightmare finally over?
Not far away, a lifeguard, sitting perched on a high chair overlooking the beach, gazes through his mirrored sunglasses. The peaceful rhythm of the day is suddenly shattered as something in the water catches his eye. His heart races, and his posture stiffens. In an instant, he’s on his feet, urgency in his movements. He raises the whistle to his lips, blowing a sharp, commanding note.
"Everyone out of the water, NOW!" he shouts, his voice booming across the beach as he waves his arms high above his head, signaling the crowd to get to safety.
And then, faintly at first, the Jaws theme, that creepy music starts playing—soft and slow—building in intensity until it’s all Frustrated78 can hear, growing louder and louder. The screen goes black just before the tension peaks, leaving Frustrated78 alone to face what emerges from the deep.
It's a Skid Cash Grab! Run, Frustrated78, Run! It's a Skid Cash Grab! Save yourself!
Oh Toaster - I love it.
Oh Toaster - I love it.
That is why I talked to my Doc. about her. She is now on record. As he said, if she continues to be sure to let him know.
Wills and Personal Safety
If I were you, I wouldn’t go anywhere with the skids, especially if they’re the beneficiaries of your will.
Can you imagine? Abandoning you in the mountains somewhere wouldn’t be too far-fetched for them.
They’d tell the police some sob story about how it wasn’t their fault.
‘Oh, Frustrated78 was so irrational!’ With crocodile tears running down her cheeks, I can already hear your SD say, ‘I told her (Frustrated78) and Daddddeeee to stay in the car. But no, they just had to see the grizzly bear up close… they ‘chased’ the bear into the woods, and that’s the last we saw of them.’
“How long do we have to wait until they are declared officially ‘dead’ for us to collect?”
That would be a BIG NOPE
That would be a BIG NOPE
Pretty typical for toxic self
Pretty typical for toxic self absorbed people. "Do this for me, I'll be nice to you by taking advantage of you." Basically anyway.
I would play the curveball and accept with a caveat. "Thanks so much. We will visit friends on our way up to G-burg so we will drive ourselves so we do not interfer in your family's plans for the drive."
Then buy only food for yourselves at the condo, do the things you want to do, and keep the activities to your comfort level. There are plenty of scenic loop drives, etc... that you can do withouth hikes, etc. Any meals you eat out as a group, immediatly tell the server that you and DH are on a separate check from them.
Stay for as long as you like since they made it clear the trip was 2wks. You drive your vehicle, they can pay for their own gas and drive their own car. If you want to leave early, leave. Make it about you and keep the manipulator boxed in.
Exactly Rags, you hit her on
Exactly Rags, you hit her on the dime. She has been like that as long as I have known her (30 years). It is always about what is in it for her.
Notice when she was pestering H about his will that she could care less about POA for medical issues, etc. That would require her to do something that, oh I hate to think this, extend his life before she got what she was after.
Time to flip the script and
Time to flip the script and get what you can out of her. A trip ... on your terms rather than hers.
Always self pay only for your stuff. Never let them have anything put on a joint check.
When we get together, it is a dive to get to the wallet/purse first. It is not a scramble to avoid paying. We usually split it in thirds. Us, my brother and his family, and our parents. It lets mom and dad put one over on us by paying more than just for the two of them.
I'm sorry that you have this crap to deal with.
Take care of you.
That is how my family is. No
That is how my family is. No one is looking for a free ride. Everyone is just glad to be together. There could even be "fights" (kidding) about who will pick up the tab - especially when my Dad was alive.
Nothing was ever as one sided as it is with her....me, me, me is all she knows.
Why would you want to spend
Why would you want to spend any time with people you don't much like and who try to manipulate you? Really, my idea of time away from home is that it should be, beyond all else, be an enjoyable break, and would it be, in this case? You've made it clear in your other posts, what a manipulative woman your SD is - and she may be trying to do you a "favour" in the hope of persuading you to put her in your wills or something. So my response to her "offer" would be no thanks.
Kes - BINGO! You got it
Kes - BINGO! You got it right. This is a way she figures she will get into the wills, etc. Look at "me" aren't I being nice to you, and soooo caring. A big BS to that.
My SD does the same thing !
My SD does the same thing ! Her dad had back surgery and she flew in to "take care of him," or so she told daddy . We had a condo for her to stay at a resort and we gave her a car to drivr . She came to the house 3 x and disappeared for three days with our car . Brought it back ...empty .
She didn't come to take care of daddy , only to survey what she thought would be her inheritance . Don't let her maniplation get you
I am so glad you turned her
I am so glad you turned her offer down. She was looking to earn brownie points by "treating" you to a holiday out of the goodness of her heart. She wants to hold this over your heads, to make you beholden to her, to be able to bring up the wills at some point in the future.
Winterglow - BINGO! That is
Winterglow - BINGO! That is how she operates. She did it with other older people she had her sights on.
People help out other people, granted. But this one always seems to find the elderly folk that don't have family close by. And then brags about how nice and how much she is doing for them. The old man, Arthur, she went after, was no fool. He had her number. Can you just imagine her asking him who was getting his house when he passed? Yep, she did because she told and I that she was pizzed because she helped him out and he told her he was leaving the house to the Salvation Army. She was aftraid the Salvation Army would turn it into a place to keep people (I think you know what I am trying to discribe). Turns out he did have grandchildren who he left everything too, but he sure yanked her chain. He had her number.
Well played Arthur.
If you are going to pay for
1. Gas
2. Rent a car
3. Restaurant, bar tab, going places,
4. Food
5. Who needs her. Take all that money and go somewhere or place where you can enjoy yourself. A cruise once on the ship you don't have to get off. Food, entertainment, shows activities are included.
I second the motion...
Question: how does your DH feel about this?
Plus, everything would be
Plus, everything would be accessible and you're sure to find food you enjoy.
I am with others in that I
I am with others in that I would definitely want to reject ther so called genorosity. That sounds like a raw deal to me and not my idea of a truly relaxing vacation in my book. I can think of so many other options that are far more appealing.and more accomodating to your needs too.
I also agree with Winterglow and other posters who feels this screams of SD trying to butter you guys up by doing you favors by extending the proverbial Olive Branch. It's pretty much just a show for Daddyyyyy so she can say that she is trying with you but Mean old SM won't. thus throwing all her attempts at kindness right back into your face because you aren't eagerly accepting athe bait in the form of said Branch. Been to that same rodeo many times with SD29, so I can see it coming. Its been proven to me by her that her "genorosity" typically turns out to be a contract with hidden terms and conditions. That's why I would tell SD to please do not do you guys anymore "favors" if she is only going to use it as some kind of emotional manipulation tool to weild in your direction.
FWIW, she did ask H what he
FWIW, she did ask H what he would like for his birthday back in March. Having a difficult time getting around he asked her to take him to the new steak house in the area.
That never happened. No surprise there. BUT she did bring him a cream horn from Wal-Mart. You know the ones that come in packages of 6. She gave him just 1 of those because she knows he has to watch his sugar intake.
Isn't she great!!
SD is doing or wants to do
What's best for her. SD has a timeshare, but no money to use it, if she had money she wouldn't be talking to you. So if you pay for everything she will alow you to pay. And go to pay for her restaurant bills
Harry - She has the money.
Harry - She has the money. She is not poor by any standard. She is just greedy.
There was another poster
here a few years ago that had similar stories as you frustrated78. I think her name was ShesDrivingMeInsane. She wound up divorcing her husband and moved in with her daughter. If I remember correctly her husband passed not to long after. It's like they all have the same playbook these SD's. Scares the crap out of me as my husband and I aren't getting any younger.
I know it is not that
I know it is not that uncommon. Just look of elder abuse etc. That is why I talked to my Doc about what was going on. He said he has heard it before, unfortunately. He made me promise to let him know if she continues or escalates.
It was only after I came here that I learned about elderly abuse.
I believe that Docs are
I believe that Docs are mandated reporters for this kind of thing. That your Doc told you to notify them if this escalates, that is a good thing. Via your Doc you can engage the authorities and still be able to stand on the fact that it was not you who engaged the authorities.
Sigh, who could forget
Sigh, who could forget 'ShesDrivingMeInsane' and that SD from hell? As I recall, the woman gave SDMI a dirty ashtray for Christmas one year and SDMI didn't smoke!
You have to to kidding - a
You have to to kidding - a dirty ashtray?! The poor woman must have really felt insulted and bewildered as well. My guess would be that she wrapped it beautifully.
H and I are on the same page
H and I are on the same page regarding this "offer". She called this morning to double check if we wanted to go or not.
H told her: "Look D, we can't do that area any more due to our conditoins so why are you pushing it?" "What I can use is you helping me go to Wal-Mart and do some shopping as it is difficult to walk distance and to get heavy items like water, etc." That she doesn't have time for, she is too busy this week.
I guess I just don't understand her.
You understand her perfectly.
You understand her perfectly. You just are a far better person than she is and struggle to understand how she can be the shit that she is.
Agreed.
You are wired differently; it is a good thing you don't understand her. You understand the dysfunction and that is enough.
Thank you. Scarey to think
Thank you. Scarey to think there are people out there like her. As my doctor said, he hears stories like mine re. SD, all too often.
You are right, Rags. I
You are right, Rags. I guess I just never ran into someone like her before.
I can happily say that since the will deal with her and us, H is more open to saying things to me like, her being greedy, peeved because she doesn't call or help us out, etc. In the past he use to protect her. Though I must say that when this situation first started about the wills he was going after me.
When we had that long talk about her and what was going on, he said he had hoped that, since she is the closest, if something happened to him she would help me out, but all she is is greedy.
Hopefully he continues this road. She can be very manipulative, things like calling with all her problems - poor her - to get to H's heartstrings.
I have to say one thing. The
I have to say one thing. The fact that my Doc. put the info about her in my file and actually listened to what I was saying really validated what was going on.
Sometimes we know but can't really wrap our heads around it....I'm just being too critical, she's anoying so I don't like it and things like that. But the will thing, well that was different. Especially when I found out that she was talking to H about his will without me around!
Then finding this board to talk to someone so I don't start fighting with H over it really helped. It enabled me to actually sit him down and explain things to him about how I felt and what I saw going on. At first he went balistic telling me I just didn't like this SD, and that I was greedy, etc. But when we got past that and actually talked about what would happen to me if he passed and vice-a-versa, he settled down and took a whole different outlook on it.
I explained that we can't depend on her to be reliable about anything concerning us. Reminded him of the times she had offered to come and help with housework, etc. and never showed; or showed for 30 min. cleaned the shower base and left because she had other things on her schedule. Pointed out that wasn't going to change when one of us was gone.
That enabled us to make wills stating the above and agreeing that the survivor would sell the house and all unnecessary contents, and move to assisted living. I had been looking into it and it was far more reasonable that hiring someone to come in and cook, clean and take care of us plus paying for the heat, cooling, maintenance that a house requires.
So THANK YOU ALL!!!! And I am so glad to have a place to come and let steam off when necessary.
One good thing that has come out of this is that we are, at least for now, united against her and her grubbing. Funny, when we were working things out H even said he wanted me to give my jewelry, silver and heirloom stuff to my daughter. He called his daughter GREEDY and he is right.
I just have to watch because she is a manipulator as I have posted.