The bottle discovery……
Hi all ! Married 5 years, 3 adult kids- 2 sons(25/31) from hubby one daughter (27) from me. Only 31yo living at home. He has been away at a month long program for his alcohol dependence. Hubby and I decided it would be nice to do a deep clean of his room after noticing a few liquor bottles lying around in his room floor, we didn’t want him to be reminded when he returns(we never go in there for anything but wanted to open the windows and air it out ). To our shock and disgust, we ultimately found approx. 9-10 large recycling bags worth of empty beer cans and at least 70 liquor and wine bottles, almost all were filled with urine. They were hidden in the closet, behind the bed, under chairs covered with blankets. The smell was beyond anything you could imagine. Each bottle had to be emptied to go out in recycling. Anyone experience this with a loved one? Is this a behavior related to the addiction?! My son generally has great hygiene and likes a clean space so we were blown away that he could be living like this right under our nose. Actually seeing this has really exposed how bad his dependence really could be. I did notice that most days when I work remotely and he’s off work I wouldn’t see him the entire day , he doesn’t come out to eat or use the restroom to the point I don't even know he's there. If anyone has any experiences with an adult stepchild living at home with addiction or mental health issues, I would love to learn more about your experiences. Side bar: I feel tremendous guilt because it was honestly a relief having him gone a few weeks. The anxiety and worrying when he's home causes tension/arguments between his father and I and it feels like every other week he's in some crisis. I love him dearly but my hope is for his independence and sobriety.
I would address it with him..
I would address it with him.. it may have been so he didn't have to leave the room.. and you wouldn't see him under the influence.
after return
I don't think finding bottles and cans in the room of someone in treatment for an alcohol addiction is surprising. I'd address it matter of factly -- while you were aware we did some cleaning in your room and got rid of the empty bottles and cans we found -- and leave it there. It lets him know you were in his room. It leaves room for his response. There is no point in berating someone returning from treatment about past behavior.
Your 'shock and disgust' about what you found, to me, indicates that you need some education on addiction and recovery. A month long treatment program is a good start. But, it's just a start. Recovery is a life long process. You and DH would probably benefit from attendance at a family of alcoholics program (Al-Anon comes to mind, but there are others). You and DH would learn more about and addiction. SS would benefit from you having a better understanding the addiction and the recovery process.
I think the shock and disgust came from the fact that the bottle
I think the shock and disgust came from the fact that the bottles were filled with urine. I agree, Al-Anon is a great resource.
Oops! Somehow missed the
Oops! Somehow missed the urine. Disgusting for sure, and shocking for the one finding it. But, with serious alcoholism, not out of the realm of possibility.
Before talking to your
Before talking to your stepson about what you found in his room, I would talk to someone in his program or go to alanon and see if it's advisable to confront him, even gently, about what you found.
Instead, I would consider adopting "sober house" rules. Just google it, but you can start here: https://footprintstorecovery.com/our-programs/sober-living/sober-living-...
By adopting rules, you can let him know what is required while living in your home. If he's not willing to sign on to the rules, then he can live somewhere else.
Sample rules from a non-family sober house:
I would let him know, if he chooses to come back, that room inspections can happen at any time, and if you find any kind of drug or alcohol or any other substance, there will be consequences that can begin with loss of privileges, loss of his bedroom door and/or moving out.
I would want to know where he is at all times - he must allow you to track his location. He must be in a 12 step program or other support program. The ONLY place he can pee is in the toilet or outside in the woods.
To summarize, be very careful about how you bring this up...........or don't bring it up at all, but make your new house rules to address the issue.
Have the room spotless when he comes back and tell him you expect it to stay that way.
I like this approach. It's
I like this approach. It's not to shame him for the past but to set standards going forward. It sets the tone that it's a fresh start and focuses on the future. Maybe also making the restrictions "stepwise", starting with tracking him and regular room inspections, but after x amount of time if everything's good, he can earn more privacy.
I like that approach too. If
I like that approach too. If they want to live they're then the work has to be done..
It makes a lot of sense. He needs to go through the program and put the work in.
I have seen this...
This is how my brother's roommate lived in the years before he passed. I saw the bottles with urine in them and couldn't believe what I was looking at. My brother was probably doing the same in the months prior to his death. My brother was a loving child and grew into a wonderful man but his alcoholism killed him in his early 40s. It is a savage addiction and I'm sorry your family is experiencing this. You have been given good advice here. Outside support, such as Al-anon can help you navigate this very complicated journey. Best of luck.
This is a character issue
This is a character issue IMHO. More clearly, lack of it. Do not let his addiction be a distraction or an excuse to minimize holding this failed family write off accountable or blur the facts of his crap.
I would not allow him back in the home from his program. That would just be facilitating the continuation of his addictive choices. IMHO of course. If he has to house, feed, clothe, and care for himself that takes resources away from his ability to drink. Keep turning up the heat and pain until he actually has no choice but to hit rock bottom, go through the DTs living in a refrigerator box at the local homeless camp, and maybe that will motivate him to extricate his head from his own ass, grow up, and make better life choices.
The better home environment experience associated with his being gone should give you and daddy absolute clarity on not tolerating his return.
Unconditional love does not mandate unconditional tolerance of unacceptable behavior. Hopefully you documented/photographed his sewer bed room with pics so when you let him know he is no longer welcome in the home due to his disrepect for and abuse of the home he can't claim that you are being mean or unreasonable.
He is not a minor. He is an adult. Time for him to adult and time for daddy and SM to give him no choice but to adult.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.
Your IMHO is not the same as
Your IMHO is not the same as mine. IMHO addiction is not a character flaw. Addicts can and do have character flaws, but so do sober people. The NIH recognizes that there is a biological component to addiction. It is not simply a character flaw.
i agree that "Unconditional love does not mandate unconditional tolerance of unacceptable behavior." But, letting someone who lived with you prior to rehab back into the house after rehab is not facilitating their addict. The addict forced into homeless is more likely to return to addiction than the one who has support IMHO.
Years ago in the alcoholism world there was a priest named Father Martin. He contended that alcoholism did not change your basic personality. If you were a jerk before you drank, you would still be a jerk after you became sober. If you were 'normal' before, when you stopped you could revert to normal.
Someone leaving rehab, if they have nowhere to go, needs a sober house or a halfway house, not the streets if there is any hope of them staying sober. If at home, La-dulce-vida gave good advice.
I would advise the halfway
I would advise the halfway house option rather than welcoming the risk of urine collecting issues back into your home. I am not sure how pissing in booze bottles and collecting them Vs walking a few steps to a toilet to urinate and tossing empty cans and bottles in the garbage has anything to do with his addiction.
Addiction is most certainly an illness, though it is no less repeated choice than it is an illness.
Support for the addict and their recovery does not mandate their presence in your home.
Be wary of the draw of smoking the Hope-ium pipe related to the less than likely success of his recovery. Addiction is a life long struggle and sobriety is an even greater challenge. Rather than facilitating him and his addiction, I would advise putting his sobriety on him to navigate in an evironment designed for that process. He can interface with the family and visit, but he has to function independently. This does two major things, it puts his outcome firmly on his shoulders, and it demonstrates structured support for his never ending recovery while confirming a very standards based place for him in the family.
Take care of you.
Totally agree with this...
Unconditional love does not mandate unconditional tolerance of unacceptable behaviour. You need to draw your line in the sand and stick to your boundaries. People like this will suck everyone around them into their dysfunctional vortex. I know it's hard to distinguish between helping and enabling and very painful to watch someone you love hit rock bottom but sometimes that's what it takes.
You are not helping SS
He must either stop drinking ... go to A.A. Every day. Or move out . .. realizing some people never stop. They go to liver failer.
OP, also know that letting
OP, also know that letting him live with you post-rehab will not be easy if you and his dad really want to make him stay sober. You are basically signing up to be a nurse, therapist, warden, etc. Otherwise, he will likely go back to his previous ways. You guys had to have seen some signs before it got to the pee-bottle point. I'm guessing you don't want to house an adult alcoholic for the rest of your life. Consider if your house is the best place for him. Where i live there are sober living houses with rules and mandated group sessions. The people who live there seem to thrive. Think about it.
When my SS finished his first
When my SS finished his first rehab, the counselor strongly suggested that SS transition through a half-way house and NOT the family home. But DH insisted that he knows his son better than anyone and he would help him the most. So home he came.
Utter nonsense. DH loves his son but knows nothing about addiction. Bringing SS back into the same environment where he had been using led to the exact same outcome (relapse and rehab) a year or so later. That time SS did not return home. He went through the program, did the work. He's remained sober, to the best of our knowledge. Hard to say since we never see him.
I don't know if your SS living at home is the best thing or not--no judgment here. But he has to have rules of sobriety. If you haven't already done so, talk with an addictions counselor for guidance.
And I don't think shaming him for his actions prior to rehab and sobriety is helpful. He needs rules and structure going forward.
Update and thank yous
Thank you so much everyone for your feedback, sharing your experiences, advice, and well wishes. Everyone contributed something valuable for me to consider and think about. I absolutely agree with the idea of a sober house instead of coming home, he just did a program a few months ago prior to this one so I was definitely wary of home as the best place to recover. Specifically, his local buddies and triggers around the neighborhood seemed like an easy way to slide back into trouble. DH and I have long standing conflict about parenting, he takes a much looser stance on everything concerning my stepsons...from their contributions to the house to this specific issue. Things have to get really bad for him to push towards implementing rules/biundaries. Any talk of sober house or SS not living at home is construed into a conversation where he feels he has to tell me he's never "kicking my kids in the street", when I'm absolutely not trying to do that. Discussions about how to nudge my SS towards sobriety and independence is a powder keg. The convos are only effective when it gets really bad and there is no denying he really needs help (this time it was an alcohol related hospitalization prior to agreeing he needs help). I also absolutely agree we need to be in the Al-anon meetings for families- I've discussed this with hubby who doesn't seem interested but maybe I will just start attending for my own sanity and hope to gain some insight with other families going thru this. THE UPDATE IS : My SS has returned home. He was in great spirits, gained weight and looks so much healthier, bright eyed, and sounded full of hope/promise about his plans. Unfortunately, he forgot his keys tonight and I had to let him in the house the wee hours of the morning(already a red flag). Im sure I smelled booze on him when I hugged him. My heart just sank but I was also surprised that he relapsed so quickly. Now I'm on the fence about if I mention to DH to address or talk to him directly about my observation. DH has been known to dismiss my concerns about the drinking or be annoyed with me for bringing it up, until it gets really bad and unavoidable then he agrees with how much help he needs and commits to firm boundaries but that never lasts . All of it feels like a mess. I'm scared my son will hurt someone or someone will hurt/kill him while he is intoxicated. He's already been punched in the face on two separate occasions while he was on duty at two different jobs due to his behaviors while he's drunk, both ended in his firing or police interactions where he was named as the aggressor. He's had a few alcohol related hospitalizations, been fired from every job he's ever had (or quits before the actual firing once he knows it's imminent), and I also suspect pills can be an issue because he ER hops( so much so the state sent a letter limiting his ER visit coverage because he was excessively visiting multiple ERs across the city- dad opened his mail by accident) . One of my huge issues is I feel if I was the bio mom I would have the autonomy to take charge of the situation, implement strong and consistent boundaries/rules needed in the house to at least set some structure/support recovery, and my concern would be seen as normal for a loving and concerned mother. I feel as a stepmother, the same actions are construed as meddling, negative, and wanting my SS out of the house... the evil stepmother trying to get rid of the kids. Thank you all again...I'm still an open ear and heart
Your husband is an enabler.
Your husband is an enabler. As mine was. His son was perfect, never lied, etc. despite evidence in his face to the contrary. No job loss was ever his fault, no flat tire was ever a lie to get money. I could go on.
We have good friends in recovery. Those friends sat my DH down and told him straight that he was harming his son by continuing to rescue him, bail him out, give him money. It was rough. But DH couldn't deny their truths.
Your DH needs to recognize his role before he can help his son. Attend Al-Anon or see a therapist with specialty in addictions and families. I'd make that a hill to die on, otherwise this is your life and it will get worse.
Order a home breathilizer and
Order a home breathilizer and do not let him in the house until he blows a 0.00. Make sure Blue Tooths to your phone so you can imediately share it with daddy.
Time to stop the fee fee driven issue management and go with the full facts and full accountability. If he blows a + that is a fact. A + means enjoy sleeping outside.
I would also immediatley rekey the locks, go with a biometric lock so it takes a finger print to get in and make sure the drunk is not in the system. Whether he is sober or not.
Tighten the accountability, eleminate any choice he has to comply with sobriety, or.... he can figure out his shelter, food, etc... on his own.
I would eleminate any risk that you come home to a deceased alcoholic who drank himself to death. A call that he is gone is far better than finding him in your house and then having to live with that memory and that eternal pain anytime you walk into your home.
My FIL, though not a drinker, made sure to not die at home. He knew that morning that he was gone. He had MIL get him to the hospital so she would not have to live in the home they had and where he died. That left the sanctity of the house on a positive plane for the rest of her life.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
And yes, tell daddy that his just out of residential rehab kidult came home in the middle of the night drunk. Take the lies away before they happen with the breath alcohol detector. A beep ends any lie. If he refuses to blow, he does not enter the home. If there is reasonable suspicion that he is under the ifluence in the house, he blows or he goes. If he leaves and drive, call the police and have them deal with the drunk driving.
Build the containment system of accountability and facilitate absolute rock bottom if he keeps up his crap. Which he is commited to as evidenced by not making a day out of rehab before drinking.
I hurt for you.
Defend your peace, eleminate any threat to your life of joy.
IMHO of course.