7 year old with separation anxiety
Curious how many have dealt with 7 year olds that cry when leaving mommy. It's not always. My SD recently turned 7 and she and bio mom have a very codependent relationship. It certainly feeds bio mom's narcissistic ego to have her baby girl need her and want her and cry for her. She is spoiled by mom in every way. They sleep in the same bed. My SD has learned to people please to mom.
She doesn't always cry but when her mom works her up for it...she will. I can almost pinpoint the times to be after she has had an amazing time with us and sharing that information with her mom she probably senses the distaste and distance from mom and in turn becomes uber clingy to mom and wants nothing more in the world than to spend every waking moment with her and the thought of anything else just dreadful (dramatic exaggeration perhaps).
Anyhow bio mom is also a psycho toxic ex that i get to deal with. We took my SD to an amusement park this weekend (yep...spoiled some more) and I am sure hearing about it sent biomom spiraling with jealousy. Regardless the first day of school was today and we get messages from biomom how my SD had a major meltdown crying and how she just couldn't bear to leave mom etc.
My first thought was "this kid is 7!!! WTH?! What 7 year old has a meltdown about leaving mom for school" get your act together kid. My second thought is of course with more compassion but I'm still not thinking "poor baby". My thought is that this is ridiculous. This woman isn't helping her child be an independent and confident young lady. She's creating this anxiety in her little girl and it's to stroke her own ego. I just can't...
My SO isn't helping in the coddling and spoiling process but he does want her to be confident and independent and thrive. He has tried to explain what this anxiety she creates is ultimately doing to my SD by crazy toxic ex won't hear it. She's just a mommas girl and can't stand to be away from me. Eye roll!!!!
I do not have biological children of my own and I do know that my personality is an intolerance for coddling praising behavior. It's extremely hard for me to listen to and deal with. I'm never mean but I can probably be insensitive.
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When these kids have a codependent relationship
With there mother. There's very little you can do. They have the child. Have control of the mother. They pick the food they ear, /tv shows watched ect. You then want this 7 yo to be a 7 yo. Where y/ou are tge adult and you control them. They not going to go for it. Realize your problem, I really don't know what to tell you.
I don't know why the kid
I don't know why the kid crying about going to school was anything you all needed to be aware of.
I mean... I can see a kid being nervous about the first day of school.. even if they are somewhat excited.. and scared etc..
All you can do is deal with behavior at your home.. and encouraging her to be independent and self sufficient.
Fair point. I am a firm
Fair point. I am a firm believer we can only control ourselves. Sometimes we just need reminding and it's easy to get stuck venting about a woman i loathe who does her best to interject and manipulate. We didn't need to know that she had a meltdown. I honestly pushed a while back for communication through a coparenting app. Could limit some of the bs perhaps. Who knows
As to why toxic ex bio mom wanted us to be aware...because she wants it documented and she wants it known her daughter is just so miserable without her.
I'd have responded with
I'd have responded with sarcasm, "how very surprising." Then block her. She should be communicating with the chilid's other parent, not bothering you with trivia.
It's definitely inserting
It's definitely inserting herself.. and trying to "humblebrag" in a way.. oh.. she loves me so much.
I might have responded.. "oh.. are you having problems handling her drop offs.. do we need to get more custody so this doesn't happen again?" lmao
or a pointed.
"ARe you expecting me to do anything about this?"
I wonder who it got texted to
I wonder who it got texted to and what "D"H's response was. This kind of communication will die off in all but the most psycho ex cases if it's not fed with a response. Or, as you said, countered with a response that, instead of giving BM attention and sympathy, rightly shames her for not being able to handle her kid.
So BM sent it in a group text
So BM sent it in a group text to both DH and myself. I did not reply. DH replied that level of anxiety is unhealthy and maybe she should talk to someone before it gets worse while she's still young. Of course that fuels her rage so BM as per usual responds that it's normal and her only anxiety is leaving mommy and it's just because they're so close blah blah blah.
it would have been better ignored i believe
I think he/you should only
I think he/you should only reply with short comments.
"that's odd"
"that's concerning"
"okay?"
"is that good?"
^ yep
^ yep
plus my favorite "no response" responses =
Not feeding into their messy convos triggers the baiters every time and now they have to go fishing for attention and ego supply elsewhere
Similarities…
I can relate in some ways.
SD was 8 when I first got involved with DH 4.5 years ago. She was the clingiest, most co-dependent crybaby I've ever met. She still is in a lot of ways but it has gotten significantly better, naturally, due to age in my opinion.
Unfortunately I feel like that is likely the only thing that will help your situation with your SD, is....time.
Unfortunately, SD is not independent at all and has no critical thinking skills and is a follower these days. She can't even maker herself her own peanut butter and jelly sandwich and she's totally helpless. Bad grades. No effort. It's sad and frustrating but I've disengaged.
I'm the same way you are- pleasant but distant. I have the same ideals as you too- I'm very low tolerance about stuff like that due to how I was raised-with grit, work ethic and significantly less coddling (if any-really.)
My DH is a good man but coddled my SD- and the bed sharing thing.....nearly tore us apart in the beginning.
Hang in there (should you decide that's best for you!) But stand firm in your boundaries and try to just disengage as much as you can to save your sanity.
Look at it from SD point of view
At BM. She picked dinner, [chicken fingers]. Her bed time [ none ] her responsibility [ none]. Her screen time [ unlimited] there vacation [. Where ever]. To you who expects. Thi s kid to be normal. You the adult in the household. Who is the chef , cleaner, ect. Picks dinner, expects the kids to do chores. Age appropriate, limited her screen tine, go to bed at a normal time or earlier.
I would pick BM too. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. DH must realize he's going to lose his DD
"Stop it or you will get
"Stop it or you will get something to cry about!"
There was a time when the manipulative bullshit crying was not tolerated.
Time for a return of that behavioral standard IMHO.
Legitimate sadness is one thing. Bullshit crying is something else entirely. In this case I would make damned sure that mommy's manipulative bullshit was made clear to the kid and that the kid experienced the clear time between mommy's crap and what will and won't be tolerated at dad's place.