You need to first speak in confidence to a lawyer - I'm not saying that you need a divorce but you do need to actively protect yourself - your adult stepchildren sound parasitic and your husband is weak.

Do you have a joint bank account? or separate? Do you have a will? Trust me, when i say that step families see you as nothing but an ATM - now but also in death. I was told that directly by step daughter and it was laughed off as a joke but i saw the look in her eyes.

This all sounds incredibly painful for you - you also need to support yourself, confide in close friend ofr family members. Also, seek help with therapy. I have had regular therapy for 3 years to cope with a very toxic stepdaughter and it has been absolutely crucial in taking control back. Ultimately, i think this is the step family wanting to control everyhting including you and you need to take this control back.

Stepfamily life can be a very hard life - Wishing you all the best X

I am so sorry. I will disagree with you on one point, though: I blame the kids, too. Why? 1) they are human beings, not monkeys; 2) they are adults.  

You've given it a very very long shot--30+ years. I agree with The Blindside: Secretly see an attorney--a very good attorney (do your research)--for advice, and confide in one or two people who truly have your back for support. I have always kept my finances separate from DH's except for a travel/house renovation account we share. I did this because of his spending on his kids, which I refused to be a part of. If you're contributing to a joint account, you might think about opening your own and beginning only to contribute to that one (but I'd talk to the attorney first--you don't want to be leaving hints).

This year, we saw an attorney to get our wills written in stone because I'll be damned if his kids are getting any money from me, and I wanted to be sure to be taken care of if DH goes first. 

So, yes, please consult with an attorney and make your plan for a better life where YOU are treated with the dignity and respect you deserve. I am also very pro therapy. If you divorce, I'd suggest a divorce support group as well so that you can find others to relate to who are going through the same or a similar difficult process. 

Time to seperate your finances, make a plan and start saying "No"

And get thy ass into therapy to help you cope with whatever happens because there will be fall out both good and bad. 

but frst, get your personal important paperwork out of the house and into a safe box somewhere.

Sorry to hear and yes more step parents should take the rose color glasses off that are given by these bio parents with no boundaries 

They erroneously assume with love them then we love their heavy duty construction grade baggage too. 
 

Have serious conversation and unless 180 degree change is made ... you have to move accordingly 

These men will NOT change if they know you can't/wont leave them. Why would they change if you complain about their dysfunction but stay settled into it just like them. 

In your name only.  Any money given to SK. a equal or double amount goes into your account.  Make sure none of your money goes to SK.  AS IF DH gives SK $1,000. And DH has no money for food. He doesn't eat. And $2,000 goes into your account.  
A marriage can not function this way.  Where two people can't decide on where marriage money is going and one person just gives it away disrespecting his wife.  Yes this is disrespecting you.  You should be equal partner. Not his ATM. He setting this up for failer 

Wow, 30 years. That's why I shake my head when our younger friends say they can't wait until the skids turn 18.  It never ends.

Do not spend the rest of your life being last. What do you need to be happy? A good therapist can help you sort that. Start taking action--separate bank accounts, make a budget and long-term plan that doesn't include money for other adults (and no backfill for DH when he gives them his money).

One step at a time. Everything you do will give you strength for the next thing. 

We've been married 50 years and I have experienced many of your feelings, particularly in regard to SD62.  My long story short is that about 8 years ago, I split our finances.  DH's money is the only resource that can be used for her, we subsidize her shelter expense.  She's on disability.

This hasn't been a perfect solution, I resent the amount we subsidize.  But it has set a boundary.  I'm at peace with it and feel we are doing the rest of the family a favor.  I don't know your situation or income sources but this only works because I've always handled the finances and DH is going along with the plan.  The deal is: shelter subsidize expenses come out of his "allowance".  No charging anything for her and if so, he repays me.

We still have hiccups.  She has emergencies, like car repair.  If we pay for it, then he repays me.  He's been honorable about it all.  She still "borrows' things and it's still an issue getting them returned.  She's still a lying, manipulative grifter but I only have to see her once a month.  I've grayrocked her and it's working for now.

A tough time is coming for her when DH86 passes and I won't have his income to continue.  I have plans in place 

Good luck, it's so tough.

...with the comments suggesting you hire a (good) attorney and get counseling. Both are important to your health, future, and well being. YOU take care of YOU!

Go talk to the top pitbull lawyers in town.  Once they talk to you they can't represent him.  Get your ducks in a row.  That means get all the financial documentation in order, deeds, titles, debt papers, bank accounts, retirement accounts.  Have that all handy.  The lawyers will want to see what you are working with.  In the states? You qualify for social security thru him if needed. (10 years marriage is required ) Don't let on to him that you are preparing to leave him.  Knowledge is power and you don't play your hand until you are ready.  We've helped plenty around  here through the years leave a weak parent.  Prepare yourself to live alone after so long can be daunting but doable with facts and numbers.  The heartache will take longer to overcome.   
 

I'd also document any large  sums that went to skids.  Prove you came last and want to be reimbursed through settlement for that money.  

All the advice here is very very solid.

It might help you to read around on here if you havent before. 30 plus years is a VERY long history. Youve got a lot of things to unpack, Im guessing.

Id start with a lawyer first. Second finances. Get the easy stuff out of the way. THEN definitely get into some kind of therapy situation. You posted here, which is GREAT. Continue posting your story if applicable. I think it would help a lot...and journaling is part of the healing.

You know enough now that you know what is happening is WRONG. All the other stuff will come out with time.

So time to lawyer up.

I was so saddened to read your post because it resonated so strongly with me. I am married 20 years to a man who has never advocated for me or stood up for me when his 2 grown daughters exhibited disrespectful and frankly heinous behavior. I could list multitudes of examples. He stood by silently as I was excluded, passive-aggressively poked at, and treated very badly. I cried. Expressed my pain and he never did much to turn things around. I've considered leaving but when his children are not in the picture he is a loving man. I'm also not in a financially stable place to go things alone. Feeling very very trapped. Just know you are not alone. 

....similar hell. I was so saddened to read your post because it resonated so strongly with me. I am married 20 years to a man who has never advocated for me or stood up for me when his 2 grown daughters exhibited disrespectful and frankly heinous behavior. I could list multitudes of examples. He stood by silently as I was excluded, passive-aggressively poked at, and treated very badly. I cried. Expressed my pain and he never did much to turn things around. I've considered leaving but when his children are not in the picture he is a loving man. I'm also not in a financially stable place to go things alone. Feeling very very trapped. Just know you are not alone. 

DH scheduled to see his 35 yo daughter and meet new baby in the middle of my cancer debacle. We did not know if I would need chemo for 6 extra weeks this summer as ongoing mistakes were made with the pathology tissue for my oncotype test. It was a stress filled summer with a bad infection in the incision and for months to not to have a treatment plan after surgery. Still, he made a plan to leave mid-August for five days, followed by 4 more days at a sales training in Tampa. When I did finally find out the answer to chemo and get a radiation plan, he said nothing about changing his plans. That would have been the moment to say, “I am tabling a visit to XXX until Sept or later – when you feel better.” He said no such thing. Instead, he went behind my back and contacted my three children to see if they could come so he could go w no guilt. I was not happy when I found out bc he should have consulted w me. They all have jobs, and it is not easy to get time off. As it was my son and his gf paid for tickets to fly to VA with their limited funds. They were not sure what his trip was but knew it involved a work event of some kind. They did not know he was going to see his family for a fun trip to meet new baby.

A week or two before his trip he said he could reschedule if “I wanted him to.” We had learned that the fatigue sets in last week of radiation and is bad the subsequent few weeks. I did not want him to go, however our pattern has been – anytime I have asked him to do something that was my preference, it has caused a huge fight, followed by his daughter and him playing the guilt game. Her pushing guilt on him and him pushing it back on me with resentment for him not doing what he (or she) wanted. It happened for our Covid driveway wedding, it happened when I asked if they could stay at the with family four years ago with their newborn, just for 2 nights since our wedding reception was at the house and the party would go late, and likely be noisy. I asked him to do that, and he said, “she will be devastated if they cannot stay here the entire time, and it will ruin mine and your relationship with her.” I was very upset but swallowed his decision. During our wedding event he chased her around making sure she was ok and yelled at me. He ate our wedding dinner with her not even thinking to make me a plate while spent my evening making sure all of our family and friends (including all of his) were happy, felt welcome and had what they needed. I did not eat. He did not say “I love you,” in his toast despite my heartfelt toast, because daughter was there. The daughter, son in law and baby stayed with us for an additional seven days after our wedding event. Many more issues with those days they stayed here. I was told later that the daughter said to her aunt that evening, my SIL, that she felt she was being erased (she was 30 at the time).

The pattern of pleasing her over my infrequent wishes is set. I knew if I asked him to stay to at least get through my cancer treatment it would be a major issue, as it always is. While I would have liked to ask for what I need, particularly at this point in my life dealing with cancer treatment, I did not feel I could. That is my problem to deal with but part of a larger unhealthy situation. I am not sure what to do next, but I know this cannot continue.

I told him today day two post radiation has been hard. I have had little energy, my breast (partial mastectomy) is bright red and painful and I generally don’t feel well. We had an argument this morning because he said in a snarky way “I have cancelled my trip to Florida. I can do the training zoom calls from home. I won’t be able to network in person, but....”   Again, w the passive aggressiveness. I told him not to change his plans for me. I will be fine with kids for for the next few days. He sounded distant and fake as he does when he is with her. I said “this was not the best time for you to go there. You are in a place with people who do not recognize me as your wife or even as existing. They have no compassion for my situation.”

Knowing that they have zero empathy for my breast cancer (daughter dismissed the news saying, “a lot of people have cancer. XXX grandmother had it.”) and that he allows it is more than I can bear right now. It has been 8 hours since that conversation and I have not heard a word from him since.

It's so aggravating to constantly read about how disregarded step parents are. People like to act like "letting" you join their family is a huge privelege, and fail to recognize that someone dealing with their family and kids is a sacrifice. We could have stayed footloose  and fancy free, and not have to deal with snotty inlaws, resentful exes and disrespectful kids.

  Definitely lock down your finances and personal info/accounts, make sure you can take their name off things, make sure they can't wreck your credit or finances, and make a move to leave. Don't let on until you have everything in place. You have put in the effort and you are done, you have been worn to the bone.