SD16 Out of Control
Back story we haven't had a part of SD16 life but for holidays, random visits and when she needs something.
I can go through why all day, but SD doesn't like our house because we have rules, and BM won't make her come over from a young age. When she did make her she would call SD to check in and a big fit would happen.
Anyway SD hasn't been back to in school school since 5th grade. She is now suppose to be a sophomore but does online school. (We have heard she's doing great, but also heard she is so far behind.)
the last year or so we really haven't talked to her much at all (unless she needs $ or something she won't call or text us back) DH text her once a week just to say hello how are you and no reply.
anyway to the point BM has been calling us every week saying SD is out of control and she doesn't know what to do.
she suggest she live with us, but we both say no because she doesn't listen, she throws fits, hits, destroys things. And honestly we are almost strangers to her.
We say she needs structure such as a school setting but she can't handle it supposedly, that she has anxiety in big crowds. (Concerts,fairs, malls, anything else doesn't upset her)
now SD is threaten to say BM man Assaulted her, and he never has of course. SD has already said this on a boy last year, she said he did, but then she still talked to him
what can BM do if she can't keep her SD with her? How do we help, SD runs away, lies, and just creates a mess where ever she goes.
Stay strong
My SDnow61did a version of this. Poor SD with mean ole BM and BM's boyfriend who she hated. So, we suckers felt sorry for her and thought she'd do better here so we upended our life to move her in. Then there was a honeymoon period after which she started the same lying, manipulation, truancy and all the rest. Back to BM. Honeymoon period over there then back to us. This back and forth went on every time SD faced any resistance.
We should have backed BM and stood our ground. It would have saved lots of trouble and the end result would have been the same.
I'm glad we are not being
I'm glad we are not being unreasonable.
sd from the age of 3 or 4 when she stay the night would threaten to call the cops or run away over us saying no.
then when she go home she tell BM how awful we are. Then it started we go to get her and BM couldn't make her go with us awful people.
now it's bake firing on her, she's always been the cool mom like a friend. Now she can't handle it.
I know it's DH kid too, but we tired for so long to make it work, but BM never backed us on making her mind at our house. Now it's a problem she wants to hand her off.
Yep
You're right. BM created the problem and now wants to dump it off on you.
When toxic failed family
When toxic failed family spawn threaten to call the police the bio and SP present should call the police, put it on speaker, then tell the operator that the kid wanted to call the police then instruct the kid to tell the the police what the issue is. Do it each and every time. The PD will have a record of the SKid bullshit which though it may not be able to be used once they turn 18 the authorities can view it when that toxic failed family spawn pulls their crap after they turned 18.
Coddling these kinds of spawn is a waste of time and effort. Whether they are bio or step. Better to set the standards of behavior and performance, enforce those boundaries firmly, and focus on raising a viable adult in spite of them being toxic turds. You cannot turn a turd into a diamond by coddling it. It takes heat and pressure to make that transition.
How are the custody orders written?
How are the custody orders written? Depending on how they are worded, DH may have a legal obligation to take his daugher.
We never had legal visitation
We never had legal visitation. We just pay child support. Idk why he never had visitation legally written up
Have you actually looked at the custody order?
Have you actually looked at the custody order? If custody itself is really not addressed, and it only covers child support, DH needs to get a lawyer and get something legally in place. Otherwise, he is legally as responsible for SD as is BM. This is why we always tell people to run everything through the courts and get the legal documents in place.
Yeah, this happened to my SO
Yeah, this happened to my SO's brother. He didn't know his own CO. The BM PAS'd the girls for years, not letting them visit. Then one summer when they were 12 and 14, she let them come for what was supposed to be a weeklong visit. Then she stopped taking calls and left the state to stay with relatives due to "stress." It turned out their CO said he had been supposed to have them every summer for 8 weeks the whole time. BM said she couldn't handle their behavior and it was a mess. They stayed with their dad for one night and got violent because their dad wouldn't get them chicken nuggets, and their stepmom called the cops (lol.) It was a huge fiasco because no family member wanted to keep them due to their history of false allegations. They stayed with me for a week (i was an oblivious dumbass with a good heart back then), and my SO for 2 weeks, during which time the 14-year-old accused my SO (her uncle) of groping her butt. That summer, a switch was flipped in my mind and i am now zero tolerance for other people's kid issues. It's sad that they are raised in troubled homes but i know i can't fix that level of dysfunction. Neither can you, OP!!!
This is normal for this type of BM
She lets her DD do what she wants, not go to school. I can just imagine the education she's getting. With BM is charged. [ what 2 +2. ? That's too hard ]. Staying up all night, having a co relationship, with her mother. Giving her DD control over her life. Now there a BM new man in the picture. The new man can't , will not be involved in thus nonsense. She want to dump SD on you.
Just say NO. BM create the mess it s her job to fix it. What's is impossible at this point. You don't bred thus nonsense in your life.