It’s been awhile (vent)
Honestly feel like this is the only safe place I can confidently and confidentially vent out my woes as a stepmom. I've tried multiple resources like my therapist, in-laws, other stepparent support groups- and it seems like nothing is really helping like I'd hoped and I end up feeling judged and unheard for the most part. I don't vent to in-laws anymore because it all just ends up going back to my spouse even though I ask to keep it between us (since I already struggle trying to manage stepchild situations due to our different parenting styles and it creates tension in our relationship). SS7 has a lot of behavioral problems (and is getting evaluated) but I really wish that they'd hurry and come up with something so I can try to understand what I'm dealing with with him. He used to yell and hit me all the time but now it just seems like he blatantly chooses to ignore me when I talk or treats me with plain disrespect. I've tried to talk to him and get to the bottom of these problems but he won't talk to me and either says he doesn't know or blankly stares or smirks at me while saying nothing until I feel defeated and give up. I have no idea what to do anymore because I feel like trying to get along is completely one-sided and that he doesn't want much to do with me aside from me performing parental tasks (feeding, taking to or picking up from school, giving him clean clothes, starting his bath, etc). I basically do the most for him, spend the most time with him and yet I get treated like dirt. He runs off to his room all the time and when I give him the choice to spend time with me and his half siblings he just walks off or acts obnoxious during the planned activities. I also don't know what to do about people believing me with how he acts- in front of other people he'll act like he's all sweet and will shout about how he's such a good brother to strangers or people outside of our household but when it's just me he acts out and treats me with contempt or tries to break or take my kids things- for instance he's tried to chew on and then rip open stuffed animals or spit on their stuff. I know he's just a child but I don't know if this is a power struggle/attempt to dominate thing or what- like if he's doing these things to try to feel powerful or better than me but it's frustrating because I just want to feel like I can have a normal family and not like I have to do two completely different parenting styles because ss7 can't handle normal age appropriate expectations because he doesn't like to listen to anyone. A lot of people in his life either cater to him (like his Disney bio mom) or choose a "pick your own battles" mindset because of his yet to be diagnosed issues and it gets on my nerves. I want to be supportive, caring and a good person in his life but I also don't want to feel like he'll think he'll always just get his way and that the (age appropriate) rules wouldn't apply to him as much as my kids. I want my kids to grow up and be good men with good morals and values but I don't know how to achieve that when their older half brother ss7 acts the way he does. I know they might be more likely to listen to me since I'm their biological mother and I'm raising them how I see fit, but the anxiety is still there when I question how much ss7 could influence them.
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Your DH?
I don't see much mention of his dad. How does your DH feel about it?
I know firsthand how
I know firsthand how different parenting styles can cause strife in a relationship ...
First thing I'd do is have a serious conversation (maybe multiple if your partner acts obtuse) preferably with a trustworthy marriage and family therapist
Me personally ... being as close to the same page as possible on parenting styles was a deal breaker as far as living with someone's kids
My stance was "Be a Disneydad and let your child t3rrorize YOU in your single man bachelor pad .... we ain't raising heathens over here ..."
My ex Disneydad tried to gaslight me into believing his trifling ass conniving breeder and his no-home-training spawns were perfect angels who were hardly around .... nope!
His clingy codependent mini spouses and conniving breeder /sister wife by proxy were acting like CONSTANT thorns (aka the "run Lilly off so they can have Disney dad at their Beck and call 24/7 tactic")
I left that sh*tshow and vowed never to live with Disneydads, conniving trifling exes, and disrespectful skids with no home-training EVER again in life
absolute dealbreaker to be expending hella energy getting their kids up to par .... with little to no payoff in return (see Mother's Day threads)
Hon, I know you are overwhelmed and under appreciated,
Hon, I know you are overwhelmed and under appreciated, but it is time you started standing up for yourself and your bio children. Your SS acted sexually inapropriately with one of your kids in December, and it now August and he has not had any evaluations or therapy. It has to be absolutely wearing you out not to let your SS alone with your bios.
Your problem is your DH. BM only sees her kid 4 days a month, and it sounds like you are with the kids full time as your DH works full time. Your DH needs to either step up and get his kid some help, or you need to get a job outside the home and let DH figure out how to care for his kid himself. You said that when you vented to your inlaws it got back to your DH and he was upset. How supportive is he towards you? Does he really listen and understand when you tell him about SS? This kid has got some real issues and it should not be up to you alone to solve them.
You really need to stand up for yourself.
Its difficult to raise someone's eles kids. Expecally when DH doesn't have your back. You are nicer then me already. It's DH. kids, he the one who married and has kids with BM. Because she doesn't want to. Do her part means DH must step up. Working a normal job. Being home to parent his kids. If you were not around what would he do.?
'No one should be hit or abused.. He needs help. The marriage needs help.. this can not keep going the way it's going. You need to go to counseling. ASAP.
Stop wasting your time trying to figure out the why.
Keep it stupid simple. KISS
Set the standards of behavior and performance and enforce them. The kid either chooses to remain within the associated boundaries or the kid lives the escalating state of abject misery that his choices return.
As for him hitting you. Hell no. That kid needs such a state of constant misery that he will wilt into a twitching blob of snivvling protoplasm at the smallest inkling of a thought of hitting you. A firm stinging swat to his ass followed by a twisted ear march to the nearest isolated corner where his nose will grow calluses from the countless hours of holding the two intersecting walls together with his nose.
Stop looking for support from the people who raised the person who caused this problem.
Just solve the problem by directly and assertively addressing this shit failed family spawn's behavior.
If you stay in this shit storm of shallow and polluted gene pool crap, and I recommend that you not stay, then you have to commit to keeping your foot up both your SO's ass and the ass of his shit spawn.
Stop serving yourself up as the sacrifice on the altar of SParental martyrdom to this idiot and his failed family baggage. He created the problem and your ILs created him. None of them are worth a shit as support for your struggles with their shallow and polluted gene pool. It is, after all, their shallow and polluted gene pool that is the problem.
IMHO of course.
We lived the multigenerational crap with my SS's SpermClan. Our journey was under a CO that lasted 16+ years. SS-32 is a man of honor, character and standing in his life, profession, and community. He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawn by three different baby mamas.
Spawn number 2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate. We were successful because my SS's mom is a rockstar. Even DW is the only escapee of a multigenrational underperforming gene pool that hovers on the edge of abject poverty generation after generation. On both sides of her gene pool. She escaped because she is either a mutant or an alien implant. I am not sure which.
She commited to living her best life and breaking the cycle for herself and her kid.
You do not have the benefit of a partner who is a mutant/alien implant in his gene pool. You have a partner who is the source of the problem.
Take care of you.
You cannot live your best life in this shit storm. Go live well and leave them all in your past which is the only place they have earned in your life.
Please keep us up on your path forward. Remember, you matter. They don't. They have not earned it and it and in all liklihood never will. This is a multigenerational problem. Never forget that.
Just my thoughts of course.