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SKs on vacation

RockyRoads's picture

Submitted by RockyRoads on Sat, 07/27/2024 - 4:22pm

SKs and BM are on vacation. Since they have been gone SO is the man I want to be with.  The change is incredible and it makes no sense why he can't be like this all of the time. The kids don't stay with us so his stress about them should be almost like it is while they are out of town. But I know as soon as they get back he will start his high anxiety again.  The life I want will be gone again. I  will be making a decision about what I need to by September. We have a vacation scheduled and paid for and other friends are going so I want to wait until after that. 

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Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sat, 07/27/2024 - 5:47pm

SKs and BM are on vacation. Since they have been gone SO is the man I want to be with.  The change is incredible and it makes no sense why he can't be like this all of the time.
 

The Disneyland dad I used to deal with was great from Tues - Thursday, whenever I wasn't impacted by his unchecked commercial grade baggage, and anytime his ex and spawns weren't blowing up his phone 24/7 making themselves non stop center of attention like typical narcissistic tendency people do

There is a reason I call them ....  d0mestic t3rrorists .... because that's exactly what those people act like. 

RockyRoads's picture

Submitted by RockyRoads on Sat, 07/27/2024 - 7:46pm

I don't understand why my SO lets them suck the life out of him and our relationship.  And I am sure he is not going to realize how nice it is when he is not stressing over them. 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sat, 07/27/2024 - 8:30pm

I don't understand why my SO lets them suck the life out of him and our relationship. 
 

Lol!!! 
 

No they know good and damn well the life is being sucked out of them .... to the extent of how it damages the relationship is based on whether you let them suck the life out of you too or not. They probably think if ya don't protest too much everything is just peachy with the "normal" relationship challenges

 

Dollbabies's picture

Submitted by Dollbabies on Sun, 07/28/2024 - 12:16am

an addict who's trying to quit. If there is alcohol or whatever in the house it's like a magnet. He can't rest until he finds it. If he knows it's not there he can relax.

Can you talk to him about the difference? If it was pointed out to him would he ponder it? Or would bringing it up just mess up the break you're getting with his family out of town? 

RockyRoads's picture

Submitted by RockyRoads on Sun, 07/28/2024 - 7:12am

I might bring it up after they get back and he becomes a monster to me again.  I am not sure why his SS called him last night  but when the phone rang and  it is was SS he bolted to get it like it was a 9 1 1 line. It grossed me out for some reason.I don't  know if these kids know enough about how to ruin an evening but at least SO didn't bring it up or tell me what the kid wanted, thank goodness. I really think that I now I am part of the problem, because I don't want him to have anything to do with kids. Like I said I have to think long and hard and do what is best for both of us after our vacation. I don't think it is fair for either of us. He should have stayed single and concentrated on his kids because they are his addiction, like you said. And no intervention will help him out.

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sun, 07/28/2024 - 8:59am

 I am not sure why his SS called him last night  but when the phone rang and  it is was SS he bolted to get it like it was a 9 1 1 line.
 

OMG lol!!!!

 

I don't  know if these kids know enough about how to ruin an evening but at least SO didn't bring it up or tell me what the kid wanted, thank goodness.

If those kids are over the age of 9 then they know good and damn well. 
 

My former skids knew when we'd be out on dates (his dumb @&& would let his codependent kids track his location and tell them play by play our full itinerary) and either they or their mother would call non stop with their fake "emergencies" 

I started refusing to take sh*t from his conniving exwife and her spawns

He was like "it's my kids though" and I'm like "look here Bob, how about I leave so you can go on dates with your kids or you tell them if it's not a true emergency you will call them back when you are available OR I will call all my exes during this date that you're paying for ... so get it together right mfing NOW!!!"

Its the parents job to teach them boundaries around communication. 
 

. I really think that I now I am part of the problem, because I don't want him to have anything to do with kids.

probably because he pissed you off so badly maybe even to the point of no return

 

Dollbabies's picture

Submitted by Dollbabies on Sun, 07/28/2024 - 2:32pm

beating yourself up about the problems in your relationship. Your feelings are not the cause of your problems - they are the result of your partner's actions. He is the problem, not you.

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sun, 07/28/2024 - 4:00pm

If he was parenting normally none of this would bother you... It's how he acts as a parent that is the issue and not you... It's natural that you don't like how it is when he's around the kids and the kids are over... It's because he is not a good parent.

You are not the dysfunctional one in the situation. If he parented better you wouldn't be in this situation. You are only in this spot because of his actions and behaviors. The issue isn't that you have an issue with it... The issue is your SO

Of course you could jump aboard the crazy train if you felt you were the problem... But how would that help? The problem is your partner is a crappy parent and he doesn't want to change to make things better for your step family or relationship. How he treats his kids is bad for your relationship and he won't change anything that he's doing. He's too scared of upsetting everyone else and not enough scared about upsetting you. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 07/29/2024 - 6:33am

Trauma victims blame themselves for the trauma perpetrated against them by others.  

You are not to blame for his failed parenting. Recognize that you are not the one with the character defect, the failed family progeny, etc, etc, etc...

Stop trying to take ownership of his life failure shit show.  You know who you are and that you are not the problem.  At least you are not the problem beyond tolerating the problem.  Stop tolerating the problem and solve it.

Get your exi plan in place, make your decision now, you know what that decision should be, and when you get back from vacation, rekey the locks, file the paperwork, and get on with your best life with this shit show behind you.

Take care of you.

All IMHO of course.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 07/28/2024 - 9:34am

If he wants to save his marriage to you.  He needs to draw that line in the sand.  SK on one side. You on the other and the two lines don't get near one another.  As you can't have a "normal " family relationship.  Not with DH not having your back and sucking up to his DK.  He should be sucking up to you.   You must realize with out anyone doing anything nothing is going to change . 20 years from now SS 38 will call and it's 911time. Except SS will be divorced with a need for help with his kids.  Babysitting..  

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 07/29/2024 - 6:19am

I am guessing that both you and he have lower anxiety. you are less on edge because his kids are non issues.. which makes him less on edge feeling he is torn or choosing.. or resenting you for not letting him be a father to his kids.. and less stressed when they treat him unkindly.

I don't know how the dynamic ever changes thought.. he seems incapable of stopping what he is doing.. and you are unable to "let it go".. and he won't allow total disengagement.