marriage counseling.

that's all I can suggest.

If your husband is the problem and refuses to fix the issues with his kids.. maybe you do need to leave.

you are way to young and have way too much time ahead of you to deal with an unsupportive husband.

"Says 'you're clearly not cut out for this.'"

Oh Hell No. Like you have some deficiency. I'm not cut out for eating shit sandwiches, either. Do you want kids of your own? If so, you are spending your childbearing years paying for and cleaning up after "kids" who are technically in your same generation. If you don't want kids, you are spending your going out and having a good time/traveling years on the same, and you are getting no appreciation. Unless this guy is also footing all the bills and doing chores for YOU (and giving you an allowance), he has no room to complain about your complaining. You are the one sacrificing for this relationship. You are not petty, you are being taken advantage of.

As far as how to approach it with DH, maybe some other posters can chime in. But whatever you say, go in from a place of knowing that you are not being petty. Who the fk is cut out for being used? 

Just RUN!!!!!!

Head to your local courthouse to find out how to legally evict the buggers and follow through without giving any information in advance. If your SO isn't happy about it, evict him too. He wants a young,  dynamic partner? OK, but he needs to be able to live in HER world with HER rules, especially as she is putting a roof over his head. 

Tell him he clearly isn't cut out to have a partner ... especially not one who has a brain. Not your fault. 

He says "he knows"? So why does he do FA about it. He's a non- parent. You're too young to waste any more of your life on him.

The one good thing about your story is that you're not married to this arsehole - and hopefully will never be!  I imagine a lot of our jaws dropped to the floor at his remark "You're clearly not cut out for this" - WTF?  You appear to be the only adult in a household of children and are trying against the odds to impose some order on the mess, unsuccessfully.  Really, I would suggest relationship counselling, except he doesn't sound the type that would engage with it nor get it - he'd just make everything your fault.  I'd chalk this one up to experience and throw the lot of them out.  Find a proper, adult man who can meet you on a grown up level. 

He's right, you're clearly not cut out for it and nobody sane would be.  Cut your losses and run.

I suppose you could try marriage counseling IF he was willing (doubtful) and you felt like going to all the effort.  But for any counselling to work, people have to 1) be willing to admit mistakes and 2) be willing to change.  It doesn't sound like he's up for #2.

 I'm sorry.

If you were MY daughter (Im old enough to be your mother!) Id ask her what her long-term goals were, and tell her to GTFO. Your partner is using you, and you are supporting his cretinous children, at the expense of yourself and your own mental health.

Id seek counseling to figure out the whys of this relationship. Love is NOT enough. I suspect that your being so close in age to the SS20 is what is causing him to be so darn disrespectful of you, plus his immaturity. And you mentioned that the SD is following in his footsteps, so basically they will start ganging up on you.

Consider that your partner is not being a true partner to you. Consider what you want for your life to look like. This will not change and it will not get better - only worse - because a presidence has been set. If you try to change things you will be met with extreme resistance.

The house is in your name and you are not married. Time to take stock of what a prize you are and what a prize your partner is NOT.

How are you handling finances? There are 4 adults in the house, which means you should be paying a fourth of all costs. Since the house is in you name, is your SO paying rent? Are the kids? My advice would be to give a firm date for the kids to move out, and if they don't - then DH and both kids can move out. You can still date SO if you want, but you need to quit supporting all of them financially.

So you are the maid to a poorly educated, defiant, freeloading slob? And you want to have a nonjudgmental convo about it? You're wasting your time.

Is this house yours alone?  If so, see a lawyer and start the eviction process. See who your DH supports in this. If he supports you having a clean, respectful home, then maybe the relationship has a chance. If he is angry with you and and takes his son's side, then you know you that your needs will never be met and it's time to move on.

This would be a total line in the sand for me and I wouldn't hesitate or look back. You've tried everything but direction action, and it's well past time for that. 

All I had to do was read the title "Live in Adult Skids" to tell you .... the answer should always be N.O. Final Answer!

   Gimmeabreakkk, you’ve written:

'Stealing intimate notes out of a bag in my closet, leaving them on the coffee table and when I confronted him, he said it was the dog.' Apart from all the rest of the little prick’s offences, this, alone, is unforgiveable. How dare he? If my SS had done something so contemptible, I’d have frog-marched him out the door in a rage so blistering that adrenaline would’ve granted me the might of a female Hercules! He’d have taken flight like one jet-propelled.

For God’s sake, girl, how did you get past such an outrageous insult to your privacy? It’s clear that your SS has no respect for either you or his wimp of a father and no wonder; without suffering any consequences for his disgusting behaviour, he’s free to do as he pleases. And how lovely for the young man’s mother, cowbird that she is, chucking her deplorable baggage onto your doorstep to ruin your peace and happiness! You’ve indicated that ‘I CANNOT stand SS, and SD18 isn't far behind.’ Have you considered dumping the two of them back on their mother’s threshold, where they belong? After all, she can hardly toss them out on the street, correct?

Hon, I cannot imagine how you’ve managed to endure this state of affairs for 8 years; I’d have done something drastic long ago if I’d found myself in your situation. Love and chemistry are never enough to tolerate the intolerable.

DH is clearly the one not cut out for this, parenting that is. He isn't even cut out to be a an adult or even a man, much less a parent. 

As for the solution, it is clear, simple, direct and the foundation is already in place.

I bought a house in the next town over

Stop caving to "avoid conflict" as you did when you allowed daddy to pressure you into turning data back on for the whining shit spawn. DH who insisted I turn it back on. So I did to avoid conflict.

DH is a failed man, failed father, and failed partner.  He and his two kidults live with his 29yo sugar mama in his 29yo sugar mama's house. It is time to end the sugar mama bullshit and pull all financial support for this guy who is not your DH.  No being on your phone plan, start charging him rent equivelent to 80% of monthly rental value of your home (SO, SS20, SD18, SD10) and  80% of the food, utilities, etc... costs on him, and tell him that he and his spawn keep the house clean or you will engage a house cleaning service that DH will pay for.

Linlely, in no time flat, the SKidults will be out, DH will grow a pair, and your life will calm exponentially.   The downside is that DH may leave, which IMHO is no downside and no loss.   This 20yo needs to be gone and it must be made clear that he cannot return. Ever. Not even to visit.  Re-read your above origninal post. This kid is a lost cause. No two ways about it. And daddy facilitates it. Time for the Skidult to GTF out and finish growing up on his own time and his own dime.  Do not backoff on this to "avoid conflict".

You are young, this is not your circus and the shit spawn is not your monkey.  Please learn to value yourself and do not flush your youth and your life down this toilet with this failed family shallow and polluted gene pool.

Far too many SParents continually serve themselves up on the sacrificial alter of martyrdom to their mate and that mate's failed family.  Don't do that.

As others have shared is the case for them, I am old enough to be your dad. My son (SS who I adoped when he ws 22 at his request) is nearly 32. Take a look at my profile for a bit more on our blended family history.  Like you, and many of your contemporaries, he has a tendency to go for rescue project SOs.  People who really are not a good fit, that are not peers intellectually, professionally, or of equivelent or even adequate character.  

Take care of you.

We have been in a similar step situation. My SS24 and SS19 lived with us full time up until last 2022 and 2023. 
SS24 was a lot like yours in that he totaled a couple of vehicles and got caught smoking at a job DH got for him. 
He was a little creepy in that he would be watching us hug, stand by our room every morning, it was just weird. Of course DH didn't really see these things. In some ways, he kinda still doesn't. 

We argued so much about the kids because of how different we are in our parenting approach. The way SS24 moved out is I had to have DH force save for him. His weed habit was such that he struggled to save and I needed him out because I had DD and I didn't want her growing up in the environment we had when SSs lived with us. 

SS24 wasn't outright "bad", but he was sneaky as hell, so a lot of the things you mentioned your SS did mine did also. He looked through our stuff, stole our car keys and went for a joy ride when we were out of town (and got tickets), and when DH would work the overnight he'd bring his friends over. He slept in the basement which has a separate entrance so one concern was that there were men in the house we didn't even know.
The other concern was that he also started bringing girls over without consulting with us and I was fearful he would get someone pregnant and the whole cycle would restart because I knew DH would want to help his son with grandkids. We would then get stuck with SS and his kid for another 18 years. I shudder til this day at that thought.

My DH also would come home and cook for them which would drive me up the wall. I couldn't understand why he had to work all day to then come home and cook and clean for the lazy teens. I think on some level he enjoyed it and it made him feel needed. 
When it comes to SS24 the force saving was what got him to leave. I kept on DH about getting SS24 out because there was just a lot wrong about it and I was at my wits end. Not even a month in and SS wanted his money back. DH let him know that if he gave him that move out money, he'd have to move out that day and as luck would have it, SS24 had met a girl living on her own and I'm sure he fed her a story about how he got kicked out and she took him in (turns out this was her dad's place for low income people and technically not hers).  Technically he did get kicked out, but it was after about 3 years of him working and being unable to save because of his weed habit. I'm sure he didn't tell her that part because SS needs to be the victim in his stories (both stepsons actually are like this, very victimy). Fast forward 2 years and now SS has baby #2 on the way. Can't say I didn't call it, but thank god he doesn't live with us and I don't know that I'll ever take him back in. 
SS19, well, I had to get extreme plus creative but I'm officially free of living with them since last year. It's been peaceful and awesome. 
But. 
What you have is a SO problem (significant other). The kids only get to get that way when they have weak parental figures. Why would your SS launch if he has it so easy with his dad? Crash his car and allowed to take the truck the same day? Gets to drop out of school with no consequences? Of course they'll want to continue mooching! And now he also gets to be a victim because you know, he didn't finish school and won't likely be able to get a job that pays well enough for him to move out on his own. And for some men (my own included) it's just easier for them to neglect the situation and act like it's not happening. I know, I don't get it either but that's how they are. 
In my opinion, I really hope that you can find a good counselor and try that route, but I don't believe your SO will change unless...you decide on a flag and a hill. 
That's what it took for me honestly. I had had enough and last year I set that flag down on that hill and I was ready for our marriage to die on it. No more would I help with his kids, I simply refused to live with the last one. You can look at prior blogs of mine but that was it in a nutshell. 

Being compatible is great, but not seeing eye to eye on parenting is arguably more important. Your SO has allowed your privacy to be violated, and his firstborn to drop out with no plans for much else. You already tried talking to him and you say he gets extremely defensive. You're asking how you can have a productive non judgmental convo with him about this but, I legit don't know how one would or could make that conversation be non judgmental. He's not a good parent, that's a fact but I'm sure he'll take that as you judging him. His son has disrespected you and your home and he does nothing about it really, except say he knows and get extremely defensive.  As long as you don't say anything about those things, no one will resent you. But that's not how it goes for most of us. If your SO is not on board with launching his kids, and doing the work of parenting, you either have a really long rough road or you're going to have to pick the hill. 8 years is a long time, and SS has to go. 
 

You unhappy, things are not going to change,  No body else will want these kids, unless there SO Moves in with you too also. It time to make a exit plan  If you used or not.  Set up a bank account in your name only.  You only have access to this account.

Put all the money you can in thus account ....If SK total a car. The new car cost $10,000. Then. $10,000 goes into your account. SK gets a new phone $1,000 goes into your accounts.  Phone bill is $300 a month.  $ 300 a month goes into the account.  
 

In the end bet you have a tidy summer of money after a year. And look at the other way if you don't do this more money go to the kids.  this gives you the freedom to tell SO to go to He$$. , you will be living you own function life. Instead of his dysfunctional life with his kids.    Has to make make you angry that BM washed the hands up all this.  and living kid free with her lover.  She is the smart one here.

Give BF the heave ho

He can takes his kids with him too.

Bing BAM boom.

Wait...  YOUR house?

And you bought it on your own?

You don't have to let his kids live in YOUR house.

Even if you originally thought it's ok to let them, you can change that now. Yes eviction process is a hassle but it could be done. And you can actually evict your boyfriend and he can take all of them with him.
 

I still don't understand why they all live in your house? If your boyfriend wants to have adult kids living with him, he needs to buy or rent his own house or apartment. Not bring them to yours! What the. 

not my circus nor my monkey doesn't really apply here because bunch of these people live in YOUR house. They don't have to! Not at all. It all could be resolved if they all go elsewhere! 

and I am really appalled that a 50 year old middle aged  man thinks it's perfectly fine not only to live in young woman's house but to bring bunch of kids there and let her financially support him and his kids. Does he have no self respect? You were 20 when he hopped on this free ride train? He still doesn't have his act together! I'd be permanently turned off by this. It's just so unattractive. 

oh absolutely you aren't cut out for it. No one is cut out to be used!!! 

gimmeabreakkk - I was SO glad that you said this:

"I will lay my terms out and if he cannot commit to them 100%, then I'll stay home and he and his posse can get lost. I have to remember to commit to getting what I want which is a home without adult children. I have to remember to not shrink my desires to make room for his. I am allowed to want this and it should be taken seriously. Achieving this should be as important to DH as it is to me and if not, so be it. "

I am 66 yrs old and it took me until I was 64 to stop shrinking myself to make room for others.  Please do let us all know how you get on - we are rooting for you!  May the Universe be with you.  

So.. clearly.. in this situation.. you are supporting or at least partially supporting your SO?  He doesn't pay his share of the bills..and certainly isn't paying his KID"s share of the bills?

He gaslights you and preys on your sympathy.. "ooooh poor me.. you could kick me out.. wahhhhhh".. 

compatible? nope.. user.

You have received expert advice here with, I might add, some great language. I love the Kleenex kids comment...and you referring to your SS as Lurch. Bwahhaha! You know what to do. Take your power back! 

Women should learn from your skid situation....

If a man has the audacity to fix his crusty lips to ask to move in/live with you AND move his multiple dependents in as well ..... RUN!!! *walking red flag alert!* never allow a trifling man to use your  peaceful clean sanctuary you work hard to pay bills in as some homeless encampment/BM child respite center