Again with SS disrespect
How bad do you have to be treated before you say no more? I am sure you are sick of hearing me about this but anyway. We were at a looong tournament this weekend. Sitting in the scorching sun to see SS barely play. It cost us around $900 for the weekend. That doesn't include the team fees we already pay. Then SS went to a private camp that cost $400 to work with college coaches when we got home . He didn't like it. Yesterday SO made sure he was home from work to take SS to practice.When he went to pick him up it was running behind. SS was up to bat and didn't swing at 6 strikes. SO said to SS you need to swing. Do you want to always sit the bench? SS got mad called SO mean, said he didn't like him, can't stand being around him , and avoids him on purpose. He said no one likes SO including SD. I guess this went on the entire ride.SO did say to SS that these sports cost a lot of time and money and for SS to not even try isn't acceptable. There was other stuff, but at what point does SO just say he is done doing all of this extra stuff for SS. Do you just keep doing it because he is your kid? I would put a hard stop on all of it and let BM handle the SS. She helped SS think SO is a mean person.
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If SS isn't going to try at
If SS isn't going to try at these sports, what is the point of keeping him in them? Pull him from each and every sport and see how miserable he is then. Until SS can prove he actually wants it or is willing to put in the work for it, pull him and reallocate those funds to something you and DH really want to do - home remodel, nice vacation, etc.
We have tons of stuff that we
We have tons of stuff that we put off doing at the house because of all the funds going into all of these sports. And we have to limit vacation not only because of funds but because of the amount of time spent with the sports.
SS got mad called SO mean,
That kid must have lost his everlasting mind.
I wish mine would have the audacity to speak to me like that after all the sacrifices made to help them, feed/clothe them, etc. she'd instantly regret those words ever coming out of her mouth
Your SO seems to be delusional and his delusions are costing him $$$$ and mental anguish.
I gave mine ONE chance to auto correct poor athletic performance and threatened to charge those expensive extracurricular fees to her bank account if she didn't come correct.
I work too HARD for my money to let some ingrate crumbsnatcher piss it off bc they "don't like me" and too lazy to help themselves do better.
I normally don't advocate for quitting a sport mid season but I'd withdraw that little ankle bitter from the team so fast his head would spin then make him get job (if he's over 16) or work for me around the house to pay off his debt for those expensive games and trainings.
He probably mad his dad forcing him to play and doing barely good enough to pacify him. But if he doesn't like baseball and dad is forcing him to continue this could be why he's acting like a little snot.
SO is not forcing him to play
SO is not forcing him to play. The kid wants to. SS and BM will add golf if they can. I think he should be pulled from travel for sure.
SS went to a private camp
He doesn't like it as you've said
He probably just likes doing it for fun and doesn't want to be honest (except his rant out of frustration) because he was afraid of offending his dad after investing so much into him but now that his dad isn't seeing the writing on the wall nor listening to his sons needs, he seems to be plowing through with his dream of seeing his son compete regardless of the truth (son isn't performing to the level his dad thinks he should be even after multiple investments) smacking him in the face - hence the sons (and even now the dad's) frustration
The pressure your husband is inadvertently putting on him is probably stressing stepson out.
Not all kids can handle or want to do competition sports.
The money your husband is spending on this seems to be futile as it's not improving his performance even slightly.
SS says he wants to play on a
SS says he wants to play on a better team and go to better tournaments.He said he would like if all tournaments were week sing. He even said he doesn't care how much he would play on a team that travels more. I don't see SO pushing him to play. I just see him wanting SS to try his best if this is something he wants to do. SS has been asked if he wants to stop playing any of the sports. He says no. Maybe I am misreading what is going on between SO and SS. I don't know. I am so confused with it all. I don't have children so I don't understand how far you go when your child is hurting you by saying such mean things. I mean I know all kids at one point tell their parents they can't stand them. This is just continuing. All I did was pretty much listen to my SO when he was telling me. I don't think anything I say will change anything that SO does.
De ja vu
We (read: I) was spending boatloads of money for all the ferals sports that the Girhippo would enroll them in. At the time CS was impoverishing Chef so he could not pay for anything. He certainly wasn't paying half the bills or household expenses at my place.
The three ferals were terrible at sports and had no athletic ability whatsoever despite the Girhippo and Chef gaslighting that they did. It was just a big social event and they hardly even tried.
Pumpkinhead (OSS) had a meltdown during wrestling when Chef tried to give him some coaching and he screamed in front of an entire gymnasium full of people at Chef "I hate you!!!" Of course this was the Girippo's scorched earth PAS campaign in full play.
He turned purplish red with anger which contrasted with his orange wrestling uniform and his bright orange hair. At the time I felt embarrassed for Chef but the way Chef treats me now I couldn't care less.
Did he stop doing all the
Did he stop doing all the extras for the kids or just continue to give and take the abuse that the kids and girrhippo gave him.
Oh
It took about at least 2 more years. The coup de gras was when the Girhippo called CPS on us and had the kids lie to the CPS officials, which in turn got Chef put on the New York child abuse and maltreatment registry.
At the time, the Girhippo herself was an actual CPS worker and she threw her weight around to get this accomplished. Took me a year of legwork to get it overturned. I look back at it all now and think why did I even bother?
That was the beginning of the end but even that didn't stop him from trying to buy love by purchasing them fancy Christmas gifts that year, which they rejected and complained about.
I don't think the BM here
I don't think the BM here would take it that far. But funny enough she also works in some line of work with CPS or CYS. And work is a loose term . But what I find odd is she hasn't called to yell at my SO about this. Usually it turns into a big thing with her and him. I am guessing she can't rock the boat because her and SS need SO at least thru the rest of travel baseball. And I know he won't stop catering to SS. I like that everyone gives advise on here but SO won't hear it from me. He just always uses the line I am his dad and I can't give up. He doesn't get that his son has given up on him.
He just always uses the line
He's seeing baseball his sons identity now which his son can find other ways to make baseball pay off or other activities and clubs etc to join that are better suited for him.
Yes we don't want to give up on our kids but their goals need to be revised when they cannot meet the expectations
Otherwise it's the definition of insanity and leads to the sunk cost fallacy similar to gamblers who continue wasting money despite the fact they're not making any return on their investment
Never say never
In our case, on Chef's time (was every weekend which was hell) he put SD in timeout for kicking YSS and when they went back to the mothership they were grilled as usual by the Girhippo. Well how DARE the dad discipline "the BM's children" (TM).
It was eerily quiet after that happened which was unusual bc normally Chef would get "Monday morning armchair quarterbacking" via a berating phonecall from the Gir. I sense something was up and Chef poo pooed it. Next thing ya know that next Friday we received a call from our county's CPS telling Chef not to bother picking up the ferals for the weekend as he was under investigation.
Wow what a nutjob girhippo is
Wow what a nutjob girhippo is
The best way
to ruin your relationship with your son is to bitch at him about his athletic performance. If the kid could hit the ball, he would. Does your SO think he likes going out there and failing time after time? Does he think he does it on purpose?
We know not to nag teen girls about their weight. They know they're overweight. They don't need anyone to tell them they are. The same goes with sports. It's the same principle.
I've seen many parents do this to their kids - they feel their kid owes them - and it never ends well. He needs to stop with the criticism or stop paying anymore for sports.
Wow.. $1300 (plus really
Wow.. $1300 (plus really thousands and thousands) just to be told off by your kid with blatant disrespect. Is your SO livid about how his kid acted because he should be. This kid has it lucky he can do what he wants with no bad consequence to his actions? This is possibly the worst case of being a parental doormat I have seen. It is quite foolish for SO to continue on this path with this ungrateful kids sports. He's throwing money directly into a toilet.
I don't know why he takes the
I don't know why he takes the abuse and then keeps giving. I try to think it is because it is his kid and he doesn't want to give up on him. But when your child who will be 16 blantently tells you he doesn't like you and doesn't want to be around you straight to your face how do you continue. SS is old enough to know what he is saying.
Probably thinking he can buy
Probably thinking he can buy his sons affection
I think he thinks he has to
I think he thinks he has to do all of this just because he is his dad. Like he owes it his kids to give them what they want.
From your
post it sounds as if the kid responded angrily to his father's criticism. If that is the case SO bears some responsibility for the post game debacle.
In my day
My father would exclaim "Why you ungrateful brat! Don't expect me to pay for any more of these private lessons if you're aren't putting in any effort! And don't you DARE talk back to me!"
And that would be the end of that. But then again divorce often upturns the parent/child dynamic to the detriment of all involved. CODs lash out because they are insecure (due to no adult in charge). Deep down, its frightening to a child when the parent abdicates their authority to the child.
I do think parents to a point
I do think parents to a point have a right to let their child know they should try harder. My SO also tells him when he does a good job. SO doesn't expect him to be a superstar but he expects him to at least try. There has been thousands upon thousands of dollars and so much time put into this. If SS wants to continue this for three more years he does need to give more of an effort. But I also think that SO and BM need to sit SS down and explain it to him, that no effort means no travel team. I get that is must be hard for parents to do this in this day and age with everything being so kid centric. But how do children learn to become decent adults.
Even professional
baseball players freeze up at times. Not swinging at what people in the stands see as strikes should generate a "what's up?" response rather than a "you're not even trying!" response.
When my son was playing Little League he had a coach who would yell "you've got to swing the bat" when a batter had two stalled strikes but hadn't swung the bat. Inevitably, the batter would swing at the next pitch, no matter how high/low or outside/inside it was. And strike out.
I think there's a line
I think there's a line somewhere between parenting/teaching and being hypercritical. When a kid is little, do you look at them eating with their hands and say "you eat like a disgusting pig and nobody will ever have you over!" or do you slowly teach them how to eat with manners and give them gentle corrections? If you just say from the start "Wow, you're such a good eater!" and they never develop manners, nobody will have them over.
Normally I would
agree with you. But unless you're in the batter's box with the ball coming toward you really can't say the batter isn't trying. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and the team is take a pitch. In fact, coaches often TELL the batter to take a pitch.
I realize I'm sounding like a stuck record but getting mad because your son strikes out - even if on called strikes - because it means he's not trying just isn't fair. Getting mad at your kid because you've spent a bunch of $$$ on batting practice and he still can't bat isn't fair.
If his son is rolling his eyes at the batting coach and acting like an entitled ass, then yes, he deserves a smack down. But if he is putting in the effort at practice and still striking out, that's a whole other story. Either he can't internalize coaching, lacks the ability to improve to a higher level, or the coach is not a good coach, at least not for this kid.
And now I'm done.
He is also not nice to the
He is also not nice to the coaches. Travel team coach, batting coaches, school coach. He does roll his eyes and he doesn't take instruction. Supposedly the only adult he is nice to is his mom.
Then this
is a whole different thing. I thought he was just giving his father lip. My apologies for assuming he was just a picked on kid and his actions understandable.
No need to apologize. He even
No need to apologize. He even lost an entire group of friends. He is not being a very nice kid right now. Hopefully he grows out of it soon. But since he has always gotten every thing he wanted I don't know how he will learn. He doesn't think he does anything wrong. And I know that the bios are also responsible for this.
There are countless variables that parenting has to address.
This kid is absolutely proven to not make an effort in regard to batting so calling it out is IMHO not mean or in anyway unwarranted.
Kids need clarity that they have to do what is best for the team and not just the parts they like or are good at.
Flawed implementation out performs delayed perfection every time. He cannot get a hit if he does not swing. So, nose down, elbows up, knees bent, wiggle the hips, step into the pitch and take the swing. Every ballplayer strikes out countless time for every home run. If I was the coach, I would have that kid running a field permeter for each strike zone pitch he fails to swing at. Negative reinforcement tends to motivate effort far more than does anything else. Effort delivers its own motivations and rewards.
Think it’s dysfunctional
Spending all that money and time for no good. Stop it all.
I think your husband should
I think your husband should have an honest talk with his son's coach about his performance and effort. Perhaps the boy was having an unusual hard time that day and his lack of effort was exceptional (I don't think this is the case from what you've said but it is possible, and might cross your husband's mind). A talk with the coach will highlight how much effort your ss regularly puts into training and the team. I imagine that the coach would rather not have to deal with a kid that doesn't try. This might help to give your husband the motivation to make some changes.
He takes private lessons for
He takes private lessons for batting and still strikes out. The coach has only let him bat a couple of times and it is very underwhelming. The team needs pitchers especially when they have several games in one weekend so that is why he is still on the team. Plus travel ball is a money maker.
Oh boy I'd be raising hell
Oh boy I'd be raising hell with my DH (oh, gee, I kind of do so DH knows where I stand)! My DH isn't spending that kind of money YET - hello college costs coming this summer - but that blantant of an attitude from your SS and the fact your household is suffering from the spending, NOPE. That's a hard line you need to discuss with your DH. I don't have any advice for you if your H doesn't corret this situation, only you know what you can tolerate - and why keep going to the games yourself? Are you afraid your H will be mad a YOU?
SO knows where I stand. I
SO knows where I stand. I think he feels he has to do this as a dad. People can really make you feel bad if they think you should do more for your child. We have spilt(kind of) these travel games with BM ,and SO family will ask him why he is not going etc. They just question the crap out of him about the kids. I think it weighs hard on him. Like he isn't being a good enough dad. And he won't tell his family how crappy his kids have gotten with him. He hides it from them. I don't know when he will stop people pleasing especially when he gets nothing back from anyone except grief. My SO really needs me to be there with him at the games.SS pays zero attention to him and he doesn't want to go out drinking with the guys or be alone for hours. I think he should just tell BM he is done doing anything for SS at this point. Except of course the CS. Let her deal with all of it. She has helped brainwash those kids into thinking he is less then. But I can guarantee you that he will try to do more.
Parents do not have to do things that they cannot afford for
Parents do not have to do things that they cannot afford for their kids. And it sounds like DH could not afford this if you were not helping out with other household expenses. If I were you, I would quit going to these games. Make DH deal with this situation that he has created on his own - maybe that will help wake him up.
When it comes down to it your
When it comes down to it your SO is rewarding his child for ungrateful and poor behavior. Not only rewarding but throwing a large amount of money toward it that is likely impacting your household spending at this point. Personally I would stop going to the tourneys because it sends a message that you agree with all of this. I don't feel it's right to spoil ungrateful kids. I stop doing things for people if they don't show appreciation or respect. It doesn't do the kid any favours. In fact it sends a bad message about behavior and respect.
Travel ball and private
Travel ball and private coaching would be gone, baby, gone. The most the kid should get is local playground league, if that.
EXACTLY!
EXACTLY!
If stepson really cared about his spot on the team, tell him his next couple of performances will dictate whether he travels or not.
Bet he will magically have his duff lifted from the bench and start swinging like someone owes him something....this is if he cares like he claims
If Daddy Baseball Bucks is spending money regardless of his performance then there is no incentive to improve.
I was shocked that SO said he
I was shocked that SO said he was not making a private lesson for him this week. But we shall see. He normally caves.
I would be recording every word this kid says if I was dad.
Every word. Then I would sit him down and replay it all sylable by sylable at the the end of the day. Then I would grill SS into tears on how he would feel if dad spoke to him the way SS speaks to dad. I would grind that shit spawn into mince constantly based on the crap he spouts. I would make damned sure that not a single second of visitation was missed and SS would know he was under the hairy eyeball every microsecond. Every day, review of the SS behavioral crap in detail until he abandoned being an entitled disrespectful shit.
Record, video tape, review. Over, and over, and over again.
*diablo*
As for not swinging, if he doesn't swing, he can't miss. He knows he sucks as a batter so not doing anything allows him to delude himself. At this point the only reason he is even on the team is that he is revenue and defers some cost related to the talented kids. If he was good as a pitcher or fielder, he would be on the field constantly on defense. IMHO it is long past time for DH to stop funding other kids travel team careers and put it all on BM to pay for, transport, and, and, and...
All while demanding his time. Daddy's visitation is spent doing what daddy wants. Not what BM and the SKid pull out of their asses to interfere in daddy's time. I am mind swaggled on your DH keeping his kid in these activities with zero effort from the kid because he thinks it is teaching some lesson on commitment. For a kid of reasonable character, DH's logic would make sense but not with this failed family lost cause child.
It sounds like nobody is
It sounds like nobody is happy with this situation but no one (but you) is admitting it.
Exactly. And my opinion doesn
Exactly. And my opinion doesn't count. He struck out at both his at bats at the game today.
Thinking about this
You have a DH, problem, Not a SS Problem. DH complains to you but he's going along with this. Playing disnnney Daddddy.
'He jumping through hoops to make his kid what he thinks is happy, that SS has team mates I.e. has friends. Team mates and friends do thing together. Maybe DH is a want to be bssrball player himself now playing thought his son.
'You must put your foot down. At least separate the miney so you are not financing this craziness. Open your own bank account in your name only.
'Just jajecsyre that DH not only is paying the $900 for the weekend. But us akso paying his share of the bills. 2/3 of the food, rent, utilities, insurance, clothing. You also put $900 in your back account. To equal money wasted by DH and SS.
You must also face the fact that your marrage is in major trouble. You and DH are not on the same page. DH is being controlled by BM not you. I could not live like that. Kids needs are taken care of. Not there wants. Unless DH is making so much money, what he isn't that money to SS didn't matter. Just a day that the cleaning people have a empty house to clean. This is crazyness]
you are doing enough already. You don't need this craziness. And don't think it's going to get better at 18. DH not giving up unless you force him.
Nothing I ever do will change
Nothing I ever do will change his mind about overdoing on sports for his SS.. Even if I would leave him he would pull money from his stocks.He will never see it the way I do.
Hold on.
Are you subsidizing your household so his kid can play on a travel team? Even if he was an all star this would be outrageous!
If I wasn't here I don't know
If I wasn't here I don't know how he could afford all of it. It takes away time and money from vacations. And before this relationship I want to say I was a bit of a world traveler. And I was misled at first. I was not told about how much sports were involved.
Then it's high time you put
Then it's high time you put your foot down. He pays his fair share of the bills FIRST, he pays for his kid's luxuries with what he has left. Tell him you're sick of financing his dreams and being deprived of yours. When he starts paying his share, hopefully you will have some disposable income at the end of the month that you can lay by for your luxuries. If that means travelling without him then so be it - he's had things his way for far too long...
This keeps on getting worse.
This makes me angry!
This makes me angry!
If it were myself I would
If it were myself I would have that uncomfortable conversation. How much money and time you feel is ok, discuss options, considering you are in a partnership together and share a life. Try to come up with something realistic. "X" dollars per year. X number of weekends.
Save X amount for vacations in addition
If he doesn't like it reconsider things if you wish. It's your life too. You shouldn't have to merely fit into his life and schedule. If he wants a relationship he needs to consider other people as well. Not just his kids sports only with little left for anyone else as far as time, money and commitment.
Maybe he chooses sports only. Then you have to think about is this the life you want to live and are you ok with all of this. Is is all worth it.
We are discussing all of this
We are discussing all of this now.I think for so long his time has been filled with sports, he doesn't know how to occupy his time without it.I think he also feels bad when he misses games.I am sure this has to do with so many parents telling their kids they will never miss a game. Well we can't afford to see every game because of how out of control it is. He wants us to get a hobby. Well I have a list of things we can do. He also has OCD (in my opinion) so I think he likes always knowing what he is doing. But I don't want to pick a hobby, I want to live and not be stuck doing one thing. I think SS sports have kept him busy and doing the same thing. I wish I understood better how to handle this and I wish I would have known more before I was so involved.
Were you there to hear any of
Were you there to hear any of this? I would probably have had a hard time watching my SO eat a crap sandwich.
I might have piped up. "Listen you little turd, your father has spent almost 2K in the last month to cater to your "no talent/no try" A$$'s dream to play baseball. You can't hit, you are a grade A jerk to your father and your coaches, the other kids barely want you around because you are inconsiderate, self centered and it's beyond me why your parents are spending one more red cent on your sports when you can't even be bothered to "try". I don't care if you hate me.. hate your father.. you will shut your mouth and good luck getting one red cent out of this household going forward that is not absolutely required by your parent's custody agreementl... Oh.. and DH.. you can shut that gaping mouth.. he needed to hear this.. and if you are so weak that you can't explain the facts of life to your son.. guess I will have to.. and yeah.. I'm serious.. we will be spending exactly zero on this kid's sports going forward.. he has lost that opportunity... and I can walk out that door tomorrow if you don't believe how serious I am"
I wasn't with them. SO said
I wasn't with them. SO said he didn't just take it. But my SO doesn't do a very good job at this. Of course everything I know about the conversation is what SO told me. I hate seeing SO treated this way. I have seen the disrespect he gets from SS but how much can I do if SO isn't doing anything about it? I am on eggshells around SS. I want to speak up but feel it make make things even worse. SO is never going to stop doing anything for SS no matter how he is treated. I know there is going to be a huge argument between him and me because I guess a parent is having the entire team and parents over after games this weekend. I told SO that it is a big NO for him to take SS. He said well I will just take him and drop him off. I said absolutely not he said he doesn't like you and purposely avoids you . Why would you do anything extra at all. If he does this then SS faces no consequences from SO. If BM wants SS to go she can run him there. I honestly can't understand what my SO is thinking. If this happened in a nuclear family and he told the parents he didn't like them he would not be going anywhere. I just plain don't get it.