Really Struggling
I don't even know where to begin. I just feel like sharing a little, because I've felt so sad and frustrated about many things for so long. But.... the problem I am having now is an extremely challenging one. Tragically, my husband's adult son died suddenly. It's been awful and as anyone could imagine, devastating for my husband and all of the family. My heart is completely broken for not only my stepson who lost his future, but for my husband. His son struggled so much and DH helped him his entire life, and was always there for him. It's truly heartbreaking.
Along with all of the grieving, there are always things that must take place to handle the death of a loved one. I absolutely understand a certain amount of compassion and respect is due for the mother of his son. We have no relationship, but I feel I have been very gracious and showed that. The problem is that over the last month, not only was I not even allowed in the icu waiting room, because she didn't want me there with my husband, but I almost didn't get to see my stepson before he died. I was persistent and had another family member take me to say goodbye. The mother and DH spent 4 days together with their son, as he was dying and then they have had to spend a lot of time together since then, either in person or on the phone, helping each other through this awful tragedy. I know this is their son they share together, and I feel I have been patient; and I do feel terrible for them. But I also feel I was just left out of a great deal. I also feel that they have leaned on each other more than I feel comfortable with. Constantly communicating, and sometimes even spending time together. For example; a baseball game for their grandchildren. The mother also does not have boundaries, and will hug, caress and just the way she behaves with him feels very awkward and uncomfortable to me. My DH said he feels it's perfectly ok, because they are grieving. I feel it's a little excessive.... but I also understand it wasn't my son who died. She also messages him just to say nice things, and he responds very sweetly. It's like it doesn't end. I have tried to talk to him, although with him grieving, I usually just let things go.... but he feels I am being unreasonable about my feelings.
I feel horrible that his son died, and am grieving too..... But I also feel that my husband and his ex wife are leaning on each other. I'm trying to understand, but it hurts terribly. I also feel the the adult step daughter loves to see her mother and father together, supporting one another; while I am somewhat excluded. It's just horrible..... I am truly trying to help my husband through this.... but when I know she's going to be close to him in one way or another, it hurts deeply. I feel they think I may be selfish or not understanding or caring..... Knowing they have this bond... and it is continuing, is hard to take. I have a huge heart, but feel a bit lost.
Who supports YOU?
Do you have people to lean on yourself? I understand that you are seeing your husband lean on ex instead of you. anyway to share this with ex? Not in an accusatory way but ask how you could help him with his grief. How you can help each other.
I've been able to talk to DH
I've been able to talk to DH's sister. She's close to everyone involved and is very understanding and supportive to me. DH knows I am here for him, but I also feel he doesn't think it's the same as his ex, because it's THEIR son.... and also because I do not have my own children. (Although I am an elementary teacher and like a grandmother to his biological grandchildren.). I have tried to talk to him and let him know that while I can't imagine losing a child, I DO know extreme grief, as my first husband suddenly died. I just think he's not thinking about anything.... and is just heartbroken and even though the biological mother really wasn't in the picture much for the last 17 years....She's the mother. (I actually spent more time around the stepson in the last 7 years than she did.)
I’m so sorry
First off, I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine going through this.
That being said, it is not your DH's job to help his ex wife grieve. Show compassion and kindness to each other? Yes. Caressing and hugging each other and calling each other nonstop for support? No.
He should be coming to you for support not her.
That being said, now is probably not the time and place to say anything unfortunately.
again so sorry for everyone's loss.
Yes.... Exactly. Right now,
Yes.... Exactly. Right now, the grief is so strong and emotions are so high.... I don't even think he realizes how much he's pushed me away.... Nor how much he is communicating and grieving with her. He feels sorry for her and even asked me who does she have? (I believe she is single.). He seems to feel obligated to help her through this. I don't think that's his job either. She has their daughter.... and her own family. It's all extremely uncomfortable and the emotional bond throughout all of this.... is consequently putting a strain on us. (Which is awful at this time!). Just the fact that she can feel like she can just call or message him whenever she wants, knowing he will be supportive and kind and caring... is just too much for me.
I don't have any advice, but
I don't have any advice, but sending you a virtual hug.
Take care of yourself.
I say
That maybe you have a conversation about all of this now, with him. He has to understand that they are both vulnerable at this time and he needs to be able to turn to you if he needs comfort and she needs to be able to turn to her family. Also let him know it may give off mixed signals for vulnerable SD as well, and he has to be the one to (gently) set the boundaries. This is a very slippery slope and I just worry that you not saying anything could lead to him making a mistake.
I'm so sorry. What a
I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation! Could you and DH go to a grief counseling group together?
Your DH is wrong
I've been through this. My YSS died and it was tragic. DH had supported him through so much. I, like you, don't have biological children. But that's where our stories diverge.
DH and BM probably spoke a few times while they were working out funeral arrangements. Or rather DH informed BM of the funeral arrangements he made for YSS. We saw her at the funeral and then again at the corner's inquest. DH didn't do more than say hello on both occassions.
Your DH should be leaning on you as his wife and not on his ex. You are right to be annoyed with him and BM.
We all been in your spot
But DH must understand, or has to understand. When he divorce BM. They stop being a support person for each other. Wheb SH entered a new relationship. The new person is his support person not the Ex. Any way you cut it,..;You were not treated well...Not treated as his wife... When you divorce... you cut off everyday contact. Friends don't divorce..
Evrn though his son dieding ..sucks big time. His ex is not the person he should be going to for comfort... you being band from the hospital was not fair ...or kind ..or human. BM knows about you .. and she is backstabbing you,... I hate to tell you this,.. you are not that important in DH life. BM is more important...Then you..1 Time to get your through in a row. Time to stare making a exit plan. Because this crap is not going to get any better . Don't worry. BM is trying to break you up already. He's already falling for it.
Im so sorry for your loss
I agree that your DH should be leaning on you, not the ex.
I cant imagine how everyone is feeling, this is a horrible thing to go through. You two SHOULD be going through this together.
Watching your DH play family with the ex must hurt so much...again Im so sorry you are going through this on top of grieving the person.
And what can OP say? Their
And what can OP say? Their kid died. Doesn't make DH's and BM's renewed closeness ok in terms of her relationship. It just makes OP automatically the bad guy if she says anything. This is a stepparent's worst nightmare. Not to downplay that losing a child is a parent's worst nightmare, but this being a stepparent site, i'm looking through stepparent eyes. Some marriages dissolve afyer the loss of a mutual child. This is yet another level of hell.