When does it get better?
It has been almost a month since I posted here. Last time I posted was to let you know that my exF had asked me to marry him, but only if we did not live together. I said no to that. Then he blocked me via text (I never reached out anyway so weird move) but said feel free to email him (I have not.) Then silence for two weeks until he sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday at the end of May. I did not respond.
The legal battle continues over the house as we try to come to an agreement on an amount for me to "buy him out." It is nearing a close.
So my question to all of you: when does it get better? The sadness I have is almost immobilizing. I am hoping once all of his stuff is out of here (it's been in the basement for a long time now - it is not in my sight but still here) and once the house is in my name only that it will get better......but will it? The unrequited retirement dreams, the memories, etc. It is all so pervasive.
Logically, I can see that he has been an a**hole and that he has been acting extrememly unstable. Yet, looking at it logically only helps for a short time. I have been in therapy since he left and she is a damn good therapist. However I cannot seem to shake the blame of not doing more for his kids. The youngest (19.5 years old) who has bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder cannot keep a job and is living with him. He pays for everything and it seems she has become his mini-wife once again. He admitted to me awhile ago that he suspects she will live with him forever. This is exactly what I didn't want. WHO WOULD? (Sorry if that question offends anyone but I just cannot imagine most people willingly signing up for this.) So although I know all of this logically, I still am so damn sad. When does it get better?
Thanks for listening, and thanks for your input.
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"The youngest (19.5 years old
"The youngest (19.5 years old) who has bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder cannot keep a job and is living with him. He pays for everything and it seems she has become his mini-wife once again. He admitted to me awhile ago that he suspects she will live with him forever."
You have doubts that you should have done more for his kids, but there's not a damn thing you can do with that situation to make it better. There was NOTHING you could have done to fix that.
Rumplestiltskin, you're right...
there is nothing I could do to have made it better. My exF used to say that she would be better if she lived with us full-time. I wouldn't let it happen because of my young DD. I was also frightened because his YD was soooo unstable at the time. You would have to go back to one of my first blogs to get a feel for the level of chaos involved with her.
Time....
any breakup takes time. Continue with your therapy. Get his stuff out asap...I know you have legal issue impeding that...but when it can be done, jump on it.
Start finding things to do that you like or have interest in. I quilt and garden. Also volunteer in my community. While my DH and I are still together, those things have been a source of comfort and healing for me when times were tough. Today, they bring me much joy.
Keep in mind you are a bit in limbo due to getting this legal stuff completed. Even that will have an end. Focus on your new life.
Best to you.
Thank you, CajunMom.
I like that you found quilting and gardening. I have so many things that I could be doing, hobby-wise, but the motivation is so hard to summon. I do think things will get better when this legal stuff is completed. I really want his stuff gone. I feel like there is a ghost living in the den downstairs because all of this stuff is in there and I keep the door closed. It is just weird.
You could do
what I did when my ex TOLD me to pack up his stuff and he'd come by to pick it up when no one was home.
I got some big trash bags - the size you use for leaves - and systematically dumped desser drawers into them, the top of his dresser junk, stuff on hangers, and, for a bit of fun, the freaking (unwashed) laundry he left in the hamper. Also magazines, mail, books, etc. It was very therapeutic and quite fun. I put all six bags in the shed and very nicely told him when he could pick them up. I made him look like an idiot, which he hated (but was very easy to do...)
Not quite what he was expecting..
I like this! I can see how that would be therapeutic!
My best friend offered to come toss his stuff in trash bags. Lol! I really don't want to deal with his stuff at all, but I want it gone!
As CajunMom said, time.
As CajunMom said, time.
Once his stuff is gone (soon!), do a little redecorating. Rearranged furniture, new pictures, a decorative throw, fresh coat of paint, throw pillows, some plants, new bedroom linens, accent rugs... it doesn't have to cost a lot to freshen up rooms and make them yours.
Yes to redecorating!
I was just giving this some thought recently. Although virutally everything in this house is mine in terms of furniture and decor, I still like the idea of changing things up.
My world has little to no
My world has little to no grey. It will get better when you make the choice for it to get better and commit to that choice.
You are regretting the past. It is done, it is gone, and it has zero place in your new life adventure other than him being a POS is what has set the starting line for your living your best life. That... is what you choose and what you commit to, to make it better.
KISS
As for doing more for his kids. A long standing regular point of advice presented by a decade+ of STalkers is, a SParent cannot care more than the BioParents. The BP's failure is never our fault. What is nauseating about the POS who is blessedly starting to fade into your past is that he will victimize his SN DD as his mini-wife for the rest of his life. You cannot fix that. Once you get him removed from the deed for your home... SELL IT!!!! Buy a place that is yours and your alone, leave the misery memories from the former home, and commit to you, your best life, and living your new life adventure.
When you are living that best life, a love for the ages will happen for you.
I have found in my life that when I am not looking, I find amazing potential partners. Wonderful people who have all of the best characteristics that the X had, none of the negatives, and any number of unique amazing qualities of their own.
I met my DW of nearly 30yrs (in 46 days) 38mos after my divorce was final. I had dated a number of women starting the night my XW moved out to move in with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. She was pregnant by him when she left. He was the last of several cheat partners she had during our year long engagement and 2.5 year marriage.
I had a wonderful time in the years after my divorce dating. None of those women were life partner material but we enjoyed the dating. 3 years after my divorce was final and after actively dating and socialzing, I met 4 women all within a few months. all who were wonderful people and who would make an amazing life partner. My incredible bride is the last of those 4. When we met, it was clear that we would take a shot making a life together. There there are no guarantees, though it is looking good so far.
I had an amazing therapist who I engaged as a marriage therapist for my XW and I. For 6mos after we engaged the Doc (Ph.D) things improved. Then we went in for a weekly session and the Doc announced that we would then start addressing the intimacy issues within our marriage. XW stood up, pronounced that she did not have an issue with sex, and walked out never to return. At that point the Doc became my therapist. She really did help give my life back. She helped reintroduce me to the man I like being. After 5mos of individual therapy, she started the last session by telling me that if anyone had told her that the young, energetic, engaging man with the childlike zest for life sitting in her office was the defeated, sullen man who had first come to her 11mos before she would have told them they were crazy. She then told me that of course I could continue to meet with her, but that it was time for me to go live my life.
Doc is my Angel. I am eternally in her debt.
It took time to process my grief over the divorce. I commited to that process, after the first three days of the most intense grief, I started seeing just a bit of improvement every day after that. This my my 3 day rule. Embrace the pain then embrace the fractional improvements after the first 3 days, which are the worst. Do not re-engage with the X. That just resets the process and Rags' 3 Day Rule has to be restarted.
Eventually there are little more than the rare unpleasant memory because the best life is being lived. When the time is right a love for the ages and life of adventure will result.
o not let his failures as a man, a mate,an adult, and as a parent take away you living well.
Also never forget, that living well is the best revenge.
Live it all! And have fun doing it all.
Rags, there are so many gems in your reply.
I recall your three day rule and it makes sense. It has been 1.5 years for me though. Yes, it is way better than last year at this time, but I am still way too "stuck" for being so far out from the breakup. Granted he has been stringing me along this whole time (or should I say I have allowed him to string me along.) Even his recent non-live together, marriage proposal was yet one more way that he has messed with my head.
Your story about your therapist is interesting in that your exW got up, walked out, and never returned so your couple therapist became your therapist. That is almost verbatim what happened to us but we were already apart at that point. This was last April. He wanted to make it work so we went to a therapist. The first session was fine. The second session involved him blaming me for not being more welcoming to his kids, etc. Once I reiterated his YD's diagnoses, and then literally pulled out a list of things that I have done to show her I care, he walked out to never return. Then that therapist became my therapist. She still is.
I think that a bond with a
I think that a bond with a marriage therapist who is versed in the issues of the marriage who then becomes a personal therapist is a huge positive for the one committing to do the work with that therapist. The therapist knows the characteristics of the marriage and the characteristics of the X partner. IMHO that allows the focus to be on you and making the improvements you need. I have found that many people use a therapist as a paid confidant so they can vent and not much work is done. The therapist collects their fee regardless, the client feels better from venting. When the therapist knows the history and the players, actual work can happen.
At least that makes sense to me from my own experience.
Stay the course. You will come out the otherside into a far better place without the drag of your X and his baggage.
Take care of you.
The general duration of the grief cycle is 2-4 years.
You are on track.
It is somewhat unique for each individual. Each phase is usually recycled a number of times at different rates. My incredible bride shared with me a visual description of what I call my three day rule. Her description is of a box with a big Red ball in it bouncing around. At the height of the tension, drama, and start of the break up the ball is big and hits various sides of the box frequently. The emotional tension is when the ball hits the box. Over time the ball shrinks as the person recovering from the doomed relationship progresses through the grief cycle. The ball hits the sides of box less frequently and with less force. Until eventually the ball is so tiny and hits the sides of the box so infrequencly and with such little energy that the paid is gone and on the increasingly rare occassion that the ball hits the side of the box, it is just a twinge.
Invest in the cycle, make the journey. Stop pumping the ball up by re-engaging with that toxic POS. Let the air out of the ball. You owe yourself that.
Be good to you.
Not your fault
If DH and BM Had a mental challenge kid. They made him they are responsible for him. Not you. You ex is a as* hold and the faster he gets out the better it will be. You should not be blamed for his kids problems
Yes, both of his DDs have mental health issues albeit his YD has
actual diagnoses. The YD has been in a psychiatric unit about 5x that I know of and his OD has been in a psychiatric unit about 3x, again that I know of. The stories I could tell you would make you question my sanity for putting up with the chaos as long as I did. Thank you for your post, Harry. It is nice to hear that I should not be blamed. It seems that he is still blaming me even though we have been broken up for over a year.
It really does take time. The
It really does take time. The other stuff helps, getting his stuff out, getting the house deed sorted, moving forward.
Yes, thinking about how you thought your future would be with him can make you sad but the reality is, that is not what your future would have been like. You are now free to find your person. He was not it.
Thank you hereiam.
You said "....but the reality is, that is not what your future would have been like." Can you expound on that more? I want to be sure what you mean. Do you mean that no matter what I thought our future would be, it would likely not have been that way becuase of his YD's issues?
IMHO, it is more that the
IMHO, it is more that the issue is your XSO. His issues are the because......
It is okay to call a Spade a Spade and put this on who it should be put.
I get grieving over what might have been. However, reality is that it never was. Better to recognize that, embrace the reality, and stop lamenting the fantasy.
That, too, but mostly because
That, too, but mostly because he is not the person that you thought he was. He's showing you his true colors, this is who he is.
Last time I posted was to let
If his daughter supposedly isn't well mentally she might require a lot more support than the average offspring especially if your partner thinks his presence will
help keep her on track.
Might be better to control what you can here....accept him in your life as he prefers (living separately) or chose someone who provides more of what you desire/need (ex. Men with no dependents or men with mentally / physically stable dependents if you go this route)