Mini wife & Guilty Father syndrome - Please help!

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Hello all – I am SO happy to have found this site as I am at my wits end with my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are planning on getting married in the next year or two. He hasn’t proposed yet. Anyway, when I first started dating him his two daughters were very young (3 years old and 1 year old). I fell in love with their father and with them. They were such good girls. We get them every other weekend and I’m starting to dread when that time comes around.

7 years later and they are starting to become materialistic and manipulative just like their BM. The younger one is not so bad but the older one has major issues. She’s extremely clingy and needy. She is going to be 12, has already started her menstrual period and acts like a big baby when she is around her father. She still wants to sit on his lap and cuddle up to him like she’s 3. She has to tell him that she loves him once every 20 minutes. All I hear is “I love you daddy” in this very childlike whiny voice. She follows him everywhere he goes and does not leave his side. She tries to climb him like a tree as if he could still pick her up”. IF he happens to get away for a second and he comes back around she’ll jump and down and yell “daddy daddy daddy” in her baby voice. The other day she was cuddled up against him on our chaise sofa with her head on his chest looking up at him like she was in love with him telling him how much she loves him. If he doesn’t answer her calls immediately, she will call my phone looking for him. She takes all of his attention from her little sister (who could care less it seems). She’s more independent and doesn’t really need the attention. Not yet, at least. The other day I told my boyfriend that I felt bad that his older was taking all the attention away from his younger. He said they both get equal love and attention. I He listened and took note though because he made the older one get off the couch with him and move to the larger couch and asked for the little one to join them. The older one yelled and made this angry voice and said “daddy you BETTER SIT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME”. She also is a little miss know it all and will interject in conversation between her father and I when we have a disagreement or difference in opinion on a topic such as politics. She’ll say “no daddy’s right and I agree with daddy”. Um, who asked you for your damn opinion? I’m just totally weirded out by all of this.

He said that the older one is just fighting for his attention because they fight over everything, which they don’t. Heads up that she is the middle child because the mom has another older daughter from her first marriage. Yes, this is her 3rd marriage.

I told him that she is too needy and clingy at her age and she shouldn’t be acting that way. That she shouldn’t be climbing on him like she does and that she can’t be picked up. He told me that he would pick her up at the age of 25. Um..OK? I told him that he needs to set healthy boundaries. That what if she was cuddled up to her NEW step dad like this? Would he like that? That if he lets her know it’s ok, she may wind up doing this with more older men in her life. I told him that it’s inappropriate that she is being intimate with him like I would (on the couch, etc.) and he agreed.

Now their mom is a materialistic floozy who married a man 20 years older than her. She is 35 and he is 55. I can see her being this way with him in front of the girls as she is extremely promiscuous and I don’t see her being a good role model. She lets the girls do whatever they want. The older one has little breasts and you can see them through her shirts and not the mother or father have forced her into wearing a training bra. She doesn’t like to brush her teeth, wear deodorant or brush her hair. She is extremely lazy and no one forces her to do anything. I asked my boyfriend “who are the parents here?”. It’s just bizarre to me.

I have my own daughter who is older. She is 21 and almost going to leave the home. I raised her single but I made sure she took care of herself and knew boundaries when it came to any man in our lives. Doesn’t seem the mom is showing the girls and now my boyfriend isn’t either. I know a lot of his issue is the fact that he has “guilty daddy syndrome”. He feels horrible that he cannot be with them every second of their lives and overcompensates in so many areas. He pays their mother close to $1000 a month in child support and will spend more when he gets them on weekends because he either wants to look good in their eyes or because again, he feels guilty. It’s to the point where he was wanting to move up the street from them because he wanted them to ride their bikes over, etc. but it’s unrealistic because we cannot afford to live in their neighborhood. Again, their gold digger mother married for money. We’re ok financially but not rich.

So I don’t know what to do. It’s to the point where I don’t even want them around anymore every other weekend because it’s driving me crazy. We have moved a tad closer to them which I’m thinking is a huge mistake because now he wants to get them on the week days here and there too. I’m just not happy with the current situation and am feeling like I’m going to wind up ending a relationship with the man that I love and adore because of his daughters. If they are anything like their mom, which they are turning into, they are going to use him and manipulate him for the rest of their lives and I’m not sure I can deal with it. Especially since we are not even married yet.

I just am at the point where I’m needing major advice on what to do. Does it get any better? How do you all cope with this? What do I need to do? I’m starting to be at my wits end and don’t know where else to turn. What do I do to get him to understand?

Do I run? Do I stay? How do I get through this? Will it ever end? Any advice PLEASE 

P.S. I have been a very loving “step mom” to them this whole time but I’m starting to not even want to be around them and have to “fake happy” when it’s getting under my skin.

RUN!!! I wish I had YEARS

RUN!!!

I wish I had YEARS ago. The ONLY reason it's tolerable is because all three, who had the worst behaviour that I had EVER seen in ANY child in all of my 54 years, have PASed out.

Then he blamed ME for the PAS out; got downright nasty, cruel, abusive and viscious over his "pain" due to "losing his children."

He has come to the "acceptance" stage in his grief. His three are nothing but POS simply because the BM never had standards for them due to her pity over them being "children of divorce." (TM)

And so did he.

I was very affectionate with

I was very affectionate with my father growing up. I hugged and kissed him until I moved out at 18. And so did both my brothers. All three of us kids cuddle with our parents on the couch. We were just that type of family. Everyone has different levels of comfort with this type of behavior.

With that being said, I understand. Its a primitive feeling. I feel a little weirded out when my SO and SD huge and kiss each other and there is nothing inappropriate about their behavior. Also, my SS9 is a lot like your SD. He has to have constant attention from SO. His behavior doesn't personally effect me but it still annoys the heck out of me when SO plays 3hrs of a board game with SS and then SS starts whining wanting more of his time. Sometimes I will say something to SO or SS about every weekend not belonging to SS and I also tell SO that SD is getting left out but generally I leave it alone. If my SO wants to be SS's puppet every weekend, there is little I can do about it...Except drink.

At least your only every other weekend and you get to have your SO a few weekends to yourself. If SD and SO's cuddling is getting to you, find something to do when the Skids are around. I'm working on my MBA and I love to cook. I spend a lot of the weekend busy doing my own thing, which leaves SO open to be SS's personal puppet as much as he wants. We also have a unofficial Skids cut off time. Come 8pm Friday and Saturday night, SO and I are watching Netflix or something on the computer on our room with the dogs and SS and SD need to find something to entertain themselves until bed time. It gives us some quality time alone while still allowing Skids lots of time with dad during the day.

It can get better. With lots

It can get better. With lots and lots of hard work. Even with a lot of hard work it might not get better.

Will it get better on its own just by hoping? Not a chance. It will just get worse.

You have a lot of resentment

You have a lot of resentment and I will tell you that it doesn't seem that he is doing anything to make it easier for you. Why so long and still no ring. He obviously has no issue with feelings, especially if he is putting so much effort with his daughters.

It also sounds like he is taking you for granted. My advice would be to find a nice childless man, and they are out there, who can appreciate you and want to put you first.

Hello! Thanks for the

Hello! Thanks for the responses. No, he does not have any issues showing feeling's. He is very loving towards me as well.

Yes, I'm starting to resent cause no ring but I was promised this year. If it is not, than I'm leaving. He knows this.

Do you think taking me for granted? Like how? Just curious.

I agree to find someone with no kids and have promised myself that I will never date a man with small children. But I'm nervous because at my age (41) are there men out there who have no children? I feel like at this point in life a lot of them are divorced with children.

I think he is taking you for

I think he is taking you for granted because he is not taking your feelings into consideration. With the moving, the lack of a marriage certificate.

And yes, there are men out there who are childless or who have grown kids who may actually be independent.

My neighbor and friend who

My neighbor and friend who has witnessed the SAME exact behavior my SD16 put it perfectly when we were discussing the same exact thing.. I could have written you post word for word... He has a girlfriend. His daughter. Of course you are weirded out. You shouldn't have to share your husband like that.

This past weekend we are at cousins wedding, SD of course manages to sit next to daddyy.. And her BFstb19 is on her other side. Whose thigh does she have her hand on? Daddyyyy. OMG I would never put my hand on my dad's thigh like that. You don't touch your daddy like your boyfriend.

Same deal, no boundaries, no mothering or boundaries by daddy. She still tries to sit on him occasionally.. Jumps on him.. Shoves her double Ds in his face. Sits with her legs spread open in her dress.. No one has taught this child how to be a young lady. It's really sad.

It has gotten better since boyfriend came into the picture.. But she used to spoon him on the couch. SICK. and she used to sleep with him.. Until 13 when I came a long. I just try and manage so that whatever occasion we are at boy friend is there, we are at a restaurant or busy outside. No couch time.. No place where she can run around in her bikini or booty shorts jumping on daddy, etc.

I get she loves her dad. But someone needs to step up and have an uncomfortable conversation with the kid. It isn't me. Told him that at age 13... Big fight about it. He is ridden by guilt.

I will now tell her to go put clothes on if she comes over in tight stuff. I have a 13 yo son and say.. You don't want him spanking his monkey thinking about you do you? I also say, she better dress appropriately, when DH says she is coming with, or over.

Guilty daddy's will never see their precious princesses as anything but 3 years old. Even if they are 25. He flat out told you her feelings will come first.

She will continue to be overly intimate and sexualized with him. I asked my counselor at the time about it.. She said girls will practice on their dad's.. Like what is appropriate.. And it's up to dad to show her what is appropriate with men.. If he doesn't she will do that with every boy and man. SD used to jump on her moms creepy boyfriend at the age of 14. You don't do that. What do people not see? He is a man..

One of the first times that SD stayed over at our house, she had a friend over too, they slept on the queen size blow up cot in the family room. She asked daddy to stay on the couch downstairs with them. He did. I kick myself for not saying something at the time.. But I didn't realize how bad it was then.

Guilty daddy syndrome be

Guilty daddy syndrome be buggered!!! The husbands who act like this with their daughters and the subsequent angst they create, LOVE the attention it creates between two women! He totally knows it and dosent stop it because he dosent want to. It's his male ego at work here IMHO!

Hello all and thanks again

Hello all and thanks again for your words of support & encouragement! This site is the bomb.com! His ex and those girls still have so much control over him. He will sometimes call the ex and the daughters for days and no one will answer or text back. But the MINUTE that the BM and girls call he drops everything to make sure he answers and/or goes to pick them up. There are so many occasions on weekends where he DOES have them, that the BM will make other plans for them because "they have things to do" and even though they are his designated weekends, he just lets it slide. He never sticks up to the BM about anything. I've told him I don't know how many times that he needs to take a stance and stand up for himself. Stop letting her control so much of the situation with them. If and when she tries to do that on a weekend where she has them, to say no. He doesn't though. It drives me nuts. On Easter he wanted to take them to church and she said she wasn't sure if it was a good idea because they're religion at home is "love". She's a total whack job and a con artist. Funny thing is she doesn't have me fooled. But that drives me crazy how she will ignore their father when she feels like it but when it's convenient for her she will reach out and guess who is there? Good 'ol "daddy". So it seems that he has no boundaries with any of them. The mom or the daughters.

Another thing to mention. Her older daughter was his live in step daughter while they were married for four years. They have been apart for 8 years and he till this day feels the need to play "daddy" to her oldest who is not his. This drives me crazy. He says because she needs love to and was a father figure. Well guess what. The oldest who is not his has a FATHER and a new STEP FATHER so why don't you back off on that? He has his whole family and his biological daughters including her on things like holiday's when we go away and when the oldest real father doesn't come to get her on his weekend my SO wants to bring her over with his daughters. I'm sorry but she is NOT your daughter, I'm already having a hard time with this situation as it is and you want me to have your ex's and your NON bio child in my home?! WTF is that?! Luckily, her oldest and his non bio is much older and in high school and doing her own thing now but that was something I struggled with.

I'm starting to think that there is a bit of narcissism here on SO's end and starting to wonder if he is the way he is to "look good" in the girls eyes or because he truly just is the way he is.

Like yesterday he was supposed to pick them up and the BM said not a good day because they were busy. So he messaged her and said "can you please tell the girls that you said I couldn't get them because I don't want to look like I stiffed them". Like he's overly concerned about it. Instead of just texting them and saying mommy said you guys had too much homework, see you later this week or whatever. He just is extreme. The minute he drops them off after our weekend he will walk in the house saying how much he misses them. Last weekend he wanted to put an air mattress up in our room so they could sleep in the room with us and he could be close to them. Um, excuse me. We JUST moved from a smaller home into a bigger one so they could have their OWN room and a yard to play in, etc. and you're telling me that you want them to sleep in OUR bedroom? NO! The older one won't even go out to play in our beautiful new yard cause she's stuck by her "daddy's" side. It's just ridiculous.

Wow! That was ALOT of venting huh? lol

I feel like as I'm typing this, that yes. I think I need to re-evaluate what I'm doing. I don't know if I could deal with this for much longer. Especially cause not even married. It's just really hard because I do love him. We've spent 7 years together as a "family" and I truly do love him and the thought of not being with him breaks my heart. Just the thought of it.

This stinks. Really stinks. :sick:

My (now ex) was the exact

My (now ex) was the exact same way. Like 90% of the stuff you described is the exact same thing my ex was doing.

I left that ish too.

Ain't nobody got time to sit here and expend energy being miserable trying to correct Disneyland parenting antics especially when these types of parents do not want to change.

Sometimes, heck a lot of times,'love' is NOT enough to solve this dysfunction...boundaries, respect for women/spouse, critical/rational thinking, healthy ego, desire to change for the better etc are more of a solution

Dont let these dysfunctional men waste up all of your youth. Give them a little bit of time to change for the better then promptly leave after they refuse to improve for the sake of the marriage.

Or women.

Dont let these dysfunctional (insert identification here) waste up all of your youth.

Not just your youth. Don't let "them" waste any portion of your life. Trust, monitor, verify, and kick their asses out of our lives when they violate trust or fail to deliver. This includes if they fail to manage their failed family kid baggage to prevent that baggage being a waste of any portion of our lives.

I know, not much wiggle room in that position, but, it is our wiggle room to define.

So, define it.

It seems like you are giving

It seems like you are giving and giving from letting kids steal your joy to other things. This will consume you! Oh you can fight and fight and he will correct things but it's going to take time. Do you want to give what little time you have on this man and his mini wife? It's always going to be some type of bs. One day you're going to wake up older, broke, time will have passed you by because it it waited for no one. Yes you may have changed him and his outlook by then but you'll have all this resentment and hate in you. If you have hate on the inside it will show on the outside. Everything I read about your story sounds very very familiar except yours sounds a bit much more than mine In The beginning of my relationship. Yes he can change but it's going to take lots of fights, time, and you have to demand stricken boundaries. He maybe her daddy but he is your man!

2024 now & it only got worse

Reading through the original 2015 blog to present (May 2024) and relieved for OP that she finally got out of this total shit-show.

I read your last comment ^ oh

I read your last comment ^ oh honey, I feel so bad for you. You are blind and don't know what's ahead. Get your act together and get away from this fool you are with. You can have a relationship In Different homes of dating and set rules that he is not to accept phone calls or texts when he is with you that you need attention too. You need a man to yourself. Right now you have a puppet on a string and you're not holding the strings. You will always be on the back burner with this ex wife and kids. And you said you been with him for 7 years, wow! Wow! Wow! You allowed this shit to go on..that's crazy!

this type of behaviour does

this type of behaviour does not end with adulthood. one sd is married and still calls her father every single day. she has no friends and call her father her best friend. a friend of mine who is a stepdaughter herself says this is way too close. being this intimate with the father will ruin any chance she has with own husband. i just wonder when the divorce will take place when the young man figures this out.

Hi all! It's been a while and

Hi all! It's been a while and I wanted to come here to update you all to tell you that I'm FREE. We did move on to marriage and that changed NOTHING. This is long cause it's an update but it's validation and a warning to those of you to PLEASE leave as it DOESN'T get better as they get older.

I’ll try to make this is as short as possible because A LOT happened that I dealt with and to let you know what finally made me decide to be done.

After we moved in our the house things didn’t change other than he proposed to me and we got married. After we got married things felt better but nothing changed. Things seemed to get worse while I kept trying harder and harder. Still creating special moments, holidays, taking his daughters to Disney with mine, etc. Being a good step mom and wife and only asking for him to put God, him and I and our marriage first and then the children. Nope.

Here is a quick summary of things that happened and I know I’m missing a lot:

He was still sleeping with his younger teenager (she was about 12) and she was even wetting the bed. When I told him that he shouldn’t be sleeping with her and sleeping with me, that he’s just making her mini wife syndrome worse he told me “you’re wrong and I’ll sleep with my daughters until they’re 25”. Yep, gross.
One day I was rubbing his shoulders after work and the younger mini wife (12) came over and said “I wanna rub daddy’s back”. To where I said, ok you can as soon as I’m done. She actually grabbed my hand, squeezed it and threw it off of him (I had scratches from her fake nails) and said “I’m rubbing daddy’s back”. To where I said “ouch you scratched me and you don’t have to compete with me for daddy”. My husband said TO ME “stop, what are you four years old?”. IN FRONT of her. I felt so hurt and embarrassed. She just smirked.
I had to walk around and be quiet first things in the morning when they were there because they were sleeping after being up all night on their cell phones. My husband constantly telling me “shhhh” when I was making coffee or wanting to get the day started. Now mind you, when I let him move in with my daughter and I we lived in a small apartment and I never asked him or required myself to do anything special to tip toe around her. We went about our days like normal people do.
He would sometimes break plans that him and I had because their mom had to WORK OUT, etc. Always making some excuse to be with them.
His older daughter (15) decided to physically attack him in our home for him trying to take her phone. He did nothing to her other than take her shopping the next day.

This is just some of the things. I could go on and on.

So we have been together now for 15 years. Married for 7 years. I moved out in 2019 and we have been separated and living apart since 2020. He moved out to his own place and guess where he moved? Somewhere that he thought they would want to live because for some reason he thought they were going to come back to live with him so moved to a place THEY would want to live that he COULDN’T AFFORD and guess what? They barely came to visit him.

Anyway, I just filed for divorce (for the 4th time) and I’m hoping it’ll be finalized next month. As a quick FYI we have no assets together including children so it’s an easy divorce. I want NOTHING from him but my maiden last name restored.

So, in 2019 his ex wife got divorced and moved on to her 4th victim and decided to move her and her daughters to another state. I was sad for him but not surprised thought it was FINALLY time for us to have time together, connect, etc. It was everything I wanted, right? Well, NOPE, the older one after being there for two weeks told him she wanted to move back to our state. I said she just got there and hasn't even given it time. Give her a chance. He said well, if she wants to come here, I have to let her. I said why? Is she being abused? Not taken care of? Etc. That wasn't happening. She moved to a beautiful warm state in a mansion by the ocean. Like what? I told him I can see if it was a bad situation but even then, I'm not ready for her to come live with us full time when we can't sort out our issues with them now and every other weekend. He told me he chose her. I said ok, I'm moving out then. I'm not going to raise a child who doesn't respect you or I and I have no say in my home. While her mom is living on the beach with no worries and not having to deal with her bull sh*t. NO.

He proceeded to "move me out of the door" which I wasn't blocking and pushed me out of the way so hard that I FLEW into an outside stool and onto the concrete. I almost broke my wrist and had the biggest bruise on my upper thigh. He assaulted me because I said no after he said he chose her. My heart was broken but I don’t know why I was surprised that he said he was going to start looking for a place for them to live. Well guess what? She never came.

ALL over her WANT..a WHIM, not a NEED a want cause she is never satisified. SO I LEFT. We stayed seeing each other here and there for the last few years. I know, crazy right? He didn't even do anything to her as far as yelling when she physically attacked him a month before this. He had scratches on his arm and face cause he tried to take her phone. What did he do though? Took her shopping the next day. But me? His WIFE..I get pushed so hard that I almost break my wrist and other things.

I wanted to see if things would change with his daughters, but they didn't. They moved away to another state and when they came to visit in the summers it was a free for all. I would still try to give him advice and would still get treated like the mean step mom. Always told him I'm just trying to help you.

Well, two years ago, the mom calls in the middle of the night and says the older one (17) tried to throw herself out of the car on the highway because her mom was trying to take her phone away cause she was drinking, getting into trouble at school and just out of control. Her mom took her to the ER cause she was having a meltdown and guess what? They took her and admitted her into a psych home. She was there for two weeks.

My husband thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring her here to his home to "set her straight". He said she's going to go to school, get a job, get her act together. Not allowed to go out, etc. Well, guess what? She was here for two weeks and started going out again. She did get a job but he couldn't register her for school here cause he didn't have full custody of her and didn't want to havery to pay or deal with her mom to get full ownership. All of this while he's still paying child support to the mom in another state and she wasn't even living with her. Guess what, he didn't move to stop that either. She started hanging around negative friends. One is goth and emo and tried to kill herself. And turned into this strange goth/emo teenager. Very dark.

I kept telling him to send her back home to her mom because he's not able to fully keep an eye on her and he went back on his word of being strict and getting her act together. Plus, if he tried, she would just sneak out anyway. No respect but wanted everything at the same time.

This whole time I'm thinking "if you would have just listened to me for years now when I was trying to HELP YOU and them..this is WHY..because I knew that this was going to happen". I did say it sort of but not much.

He would ask me to drive her places and watch her, etc. and I said nope. Not my responsibility, You want her here you take care of her. She needs to be at home with her mom and her sisters.

Anyway, it got bad and she wound up sneaking off with some guy she met on Tinder and my husband couldn't find her anywhere so called the cops after someone saw something disturbing on social media and the cops found her almost dead from an overdose with some guy she met on a dating app (17 years old).

The mom didn't even come to visit her when she was in the ICU but my daughter and I did even though him and I are separated but still seeing each other cause I'm trying to see if it'll change.

When she got out of the hospital her took her phone away but still had to go to work so no one to watch her all day. Well, he left her with the x box and he comes home one day from work and she's gone! He found out that she had run away with the guy she met on tinder when she was found sleeping in a car at a mall near her mom's home at her mom's state. The cops took her to her mom and she was there for about a year.

Came back to visit with her younger sister (who is fine) and told my husband it's his fault she wanted to die from drugs even though he coddled and gave her everything. Then moved into some apartment with weird 18-year-olds that robbed her of everything and she wound up back at his home over the last two months.

Here is the kicker. She moved back in with him WITH her boyfriend. He allowed her to bring her boyfriend with her! Again, no job, no high school diploma. No nothing.

I had to call him due to an insurance question. He happened to update me that his 18 year old daughter who has been staying with him for two weeks, her boyfriend is staying there as well. He doesn't even know this guy and he will do ANYTHING for his daughters to be with him. Mind you, this is the one that pays no mind to him, walks all over him and only uses him when she needs him. She doesn't help keep the house clean, didn't graduate high school, won't get her GED. Just living free off of him now WITH her boyfriend.

So this triggered me a little. Reason being, because I know that if we still lived together, I would have NO say in him staying there. Even if it made me uncomfortable.

So I decided to test him. To see if what he said on Friday really means anything. He failed.

I texted him after and said: Remember when we talked Friday? About not living together cause I would get no say? Her boyfriend staying there is a better example than the one I gave. If we were ever to live together again and I didn't feel comfortable with that would you still let him still stay? Cause it's to make your daughter happy? Serious question and I know it's not our situation now, but when I said I was afraid to ever live with you again cause of things, these are reasons why. So can you let me know if I lived there, how you would handle it?"

He responded with: Great stuff! Awesome. I would handle it just like his mom. Final answer.

Then proceeded to call me and bite my head off by saying: It would depend on the circumstances on the situation and extenuating circumstance. He wouldn’t be able to just say no with his hand down on the table. That we let my daughters partner stay with us when she didn't have a place to stay.

I said: You offered. I never asked and this is a different situation because it’s a man. I said, again, this wasn’t the reason that I was asking, I wanted to see how you would approach it for future reference to see if there was possibility of any change within you.

He said: Rambling angry words and just kept saying like oh my gosh, can you imagine if it was this way and that way and all these other things and then hung up on me.

So yes, I get it was a random and hypothetical question, but a changed response would’ve been something like, I know we’re not living together, but I understand why you’re asking. If you were uncomfortable with it, you’re still my wife and we would sit down and have a conversation about it and then take it from there. That we both have two different viewpoints but we would work it out. But no. He just can’t do that.

So two weeks ago he said things are very different. She cleaned the whole house, made him his lunch for work, etc. All to manipulate him. So he has his baby again and he has completely lost me. We were headed towards divorce anyway, but we have lived apart for 5 years and stuff has still been the same or worse.

He even asked me if I wanted to move into his house with him and I said NOPE. I want no part of it because it's never going to change. His older daughter is a hot mess and will now play mini wife to not have to work or do anything and live for free and get all that she wants from him.

NO THANK YOU. I'm fine living alone the last few years. Lonely and scary at times but I have peace of mind. I can do what I want when I want. Not walk on eggshells anymore.

I'm here to tell you all that it DOESN'T get better. Not even as they get older. You all were SO RIGHT. I wish I could get back the years that I wasted but I can't. I'm still young (going on 50 and feel young) and will NEVER go through something like this again.

Get out while you can. It's not worth it. Life is too short.

I'm sad very sad about all of this but I also know it's time. I deserve to be happy. I feel relieved at the same time but it's all a process. I'm very trauma bonded to him as well. I tried everything for years and years. Even suggested therapy for us separately cause we both need it and he needs to figure out why he allows this manipulation by them. It was so hard to see but at the end of the day he is a grown man and makes his own choices.

P.S. I hope I don't sound insensitive because of course I care about his daughters and wish them the best, but this isn't a life I want to be a part of anymore. So, I'm moving on and wishing them well.

P.S.S. The assault wasn’t the first time either. I dealt with PA from him at least a dozen times over 15 years.

He didn't even do anything to

He didn't even do anything to her as far as yelling when she physically attacked him a month before this. He had scratches on his arm and face cause he tried to take her phone. What did he do though? Took her shopping the next day. But me? His WIFE..I get pushed so hard that I almost break my wrist and other things.

P.S.S. The assault wasn’t the first time either. I dealt with PA from him at least a dozen times over 15 years.

Tell him you calling for pizza then Call The Police AND press charges.

These unsavory men need to be more scared of getting assaulted in jail by "Tiny" after dropping the soap in the shower than they are of putting their crusty hands on you ....

I warned mine that I will call police if he dare (we have one of the worst jails in the nation) and I'll send the police report to his employer. He don't want his mini-spouses to see him getting toted off to jail then it will be to his benefit to act like a decent human being.

You don't sound insensitive.

You don't sound insensitive. The minute he shoved you, you should've left and filed for divorce. IMO, he's a selfish jerk who is emotionally married to his daughters and will never be a good partner for anyone. Ever. I'm sorry you went through all of that. {{{hugs}}}

THis guy assaulted you,

THis guy assaulted you, marginalized you, and led you along for half a decade or more.

You are not insensitive. He, is a piece of shit.

Oh how I wish you ahd pressed assault charges, put his ass in prison, and ended him.

As it is, you are married so.. the market growth in the home is half yours. It has been serviced by marital income so make sure you get half or more of every Cent that you have a claim to. If you can mazimize your resources while putting him in a refrigerator box under an overpass, BONUS!

Do not temper your actions with misplaced sensitivity to a fantasy of what you wished he would be or fantasy of what you hoped your would be together. When someone shows and tells you who they are, believe them. Categorize him by his actions and do not be fooled by his words.

He is... a piece of shit. Pure and simple. Flush him, get on with living your best life, while taking everything your PitPull attorney can squeeze out of his idiot ass.

Living well is what you owe yourself. It is also the best revenge. Have fun living that revenge.

Thank you for confirming and

Thank you for confirming and for the hugs Aniki-Moderator - Right back atcha!

Rags - Thank you as well! We have no assets together. I kept everything separate as far as bank accounts, no children, no home so all I want is my maiden last name restored.

My eyes are wide open after so many years. It's so strange how you think you'll never have the strength to move on and one day I just woke up and said I'm done. Developed this profound strength and courage out of nowhere.

I am so tempted to file a police report for the incident in 2019. I wonder if I should or if I can. I'm so upset he got away with that incident and all of the others from years before. He should be held accountable.

But yes, I'm done. Moving on with my life. I'm so scared starting over. It is lonely because other than my job and my beautiful adult daughter I don't have friends. I don't know how to begin living again.

You begin with one day at a

You begin with one day at a time. You're starting over FREE from this abusive jerkwad. You life is already better.

If you have interests or hobbies, look for group activities to attend. Join a book club. Take a class/course: cooking, quilting, gardening.

And it might help to find a therapist to help you deal with the trauma. Onward and upward! *give_rose*

YAY!!!!!

I practically jumped out of my seat reading your post and updates. Def file a report. And def put your energy into your bio, but most importantly put your love, care and energy into YOU.

Thats right, you. Do things that make you happy and extend yourself out into unfamiliar territory. Do things that are healing. All that back and forth didnt allow you to heal, it just re-opened the wounds continually. Trust that he sucks. Trust that they suck.

HI there CLove! Thank you!

If I file a report would he be arrested now? I hate to have that in public record. I'm thinking about it.

But YES, I'm done. Feeling stronger than ever but still scared. It's weird.

The NC is what is helping me stay strong. Because when we were texting and hanging out I was still holding on to hope.

He DOES suck and so do they. I should of known one of them would turn out to be terrible, which is very sad because of the fact for the older one who is a real mess is really 50% him and 50% her mom and it's NOT a good mix either way.

But she is him in female form. I think sometimes she is his karma.

I don't have to worry about it anymore though!

Public Record

... might help his next victim if his history is officially documented. But now that you're free I could also see just letting the past stay in the past.

If you haven't already, BLOCK that loser & his spawn from phone, email, and social media. NEVER let them suck you back in with any "things have changed" or "It's an urgent emergency" b s. You're free now, so ensure these fiends can't get to you.

He is blocked but I didn't

He is blocked but I didn't even think to block his daughters. They never call anyway but I will. Thanks for bringing that up!

I understand the escape at

I understand the escape at any cost intent. However, you may have a clear claim against any market or morgage pay off equity growth in the home from the date of the marriage.

I for one, would make sure that someone this toxic felt the consequences of the ass reaming I left with them with after the divorce hearing.

Though nowhere near as toxic as what you have lived with this POS, I walked away from my final divorce hearing with nearly everything I wanted. We walked out of the hearing where the Judge issued the divorce order with property settlement together. The elevator ride down was silent. We walked out of the bldg together, I held the door for her, we got to the sidewalk and I stepped off the curb, crossed the street, got in my car, and drove away. I had tears streaming down my face and a huge grin on my face. As I stepped off of the curb she reached for me, ptu a hand on my shoulder and I just kept going. She burst into sobs. She was still standing on the curb sobbing as I drove off. That was the last time I layed eyes on her for about 6 years. I mourned the whole experience. I did not mourn her. She was a serially adulterous batshit crazy gaslighting POS. No loss in that at all.

There is no need to cost yourself more than neccessary and making your exit message one of a just division of anything you have a claim to is the right exit plan IMHO.

When she played the D card a couple of months later she and my XFIL were moving her stuff out of our home, the locksmith was driving up the street as they pulled out of the driveway with a trailer full of her crap. That was a Friday. The next AM she was banging on the front door. The locksmith had installed new locks and security/storm door that she did not have a key to. I opened the door wrapped in a towel keeping the security door secured. She was losing her mind that it was her house too and that I could not lock her out. I informed her that she was no longer a resident of the home. Then she went dead silent with a shocked look on her face.

A beautiful blonde walked up behind me wrapped in a bedsheet. DW had already moved in with her Geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar/babby daddy who she was knocked up by. But in her delusional mind there was a huge problem with me having female company in my home/residence and nothing wrong with her being an adulterous whore for the entire duration of our 1yr engagement and 2 year marriage. The divorce was signed by the Judge 30mos after the wedding.

Now that you are done and have filed, make the rest of the steps purely about ticking the boxes and maximize your return while fully embracing your new life adventure and living your best life.

IMHO of course.

Thank you so much! did you

Thank you so much! did you see that I edited the post to add some other things that happened?

I saw. Talking about it

I saw. Talking about it helps. Update as you choose. Take care of yourself!!!!

Well..he just stopped by.

Well..he just stopped by. Knocked on my door and I walked in the room and closed it. He left but I’m so triggered now and crying.

I wish he wouldn’t have. I feel so terrible knowing he’s knocking at my door and ignoring it.

In my mind when he does this it makes me think he still loves me and is trying. I know that’s not the truth.

But even though I’m angry and done, why did that just set me off?

I do feel like I need to let him know we’re done. Cause even though I’ve filed for divorce before it didn’t stick and we still were together.
so, I did just call him and say I saw that you stopped by what was that for? He said I just wanted to see how you were doing. I told him I was fine. And asked how he was doing. He said that he's been working a lot. I asked him if he got the divorce papers and he said yes and that they're asking for all of these things to wear. I told him as long as he doesn't respond to it a certain date I will just call and schedule the hearing and then it'll be done. He said OK. I said is there anything else that you want to say and he said sure sarcastically . I said OK well, what is it and he said oh I guess you want me to tell you now. And I said nope you don't have to. It's fine. But I can't see you or talk to you. He said OK this makes no sense. He say you wanna hear what I have to say but you can't talk to me or see me. I told him he was being difficult. He said he doesn't know how he's being difficult but, I said I don't know what else to say at this point. He said all right and hung up.

Look at me saying I’m so strong a minute ago and now here I am feeling sad again.

i hate this so much. He is blocked again.

It's like I have to be done, but I'm also waiting to hear the words that I've been wanting to hear for so long even though I know they're probably not true. I'm so damn sad now.

((HUGS))

Hes playing with you like a narcissist. Disengage and no contact! You are still healing and picking at the scab. Stop!!!!

He is harrasing you. File for

He is harrasing you. File for an RO/PO keeping him away from you, your home, etc.... Then when he violates, have his ass frog marched to the LEO cruiser in hand cuffs for a fun night with his lockup roomies.

Lather... rince..... repeat.

The divorce sticking, or not, is entirely on you.

Stay the course. Be your own best advocate. Stop getting in your own way.

When my XW played the D card and I told her to go file she broke down in tears and whined "You're not going to fight for meeeeeeeee!!!!!!!". I told her I had been the only one fighting for us the entire marriage and I was done. I was all in, she was not in at all. Not ever. Not during the year we were engaged and not for the 27mos we cohabbitated after the wedding. We were more married from the time the divorce was filed until the Judge signed the decree than we had been for the entire predeeding relationship. We had to communicate and work together to get to the end.

Be careful, it is not unusual for a bonding to occur after filing as things are progressing to finality. My XW did some weird shit during that phase. Becomming affectionate and outlining a plan for us to become lovers after we divorced. I certainly appreciated the decompression that occurred during that phase by but by then, I would not touch her with someone elses dick much less my own.

As we got closer to the divorce being final, I grew increasingly more in touch with the man I enjoyed being rather than the miserable defeated person I was during the marriage. She became more polar in her moods swinging between sorrow, attempted re-connection, and ranting fury. Even as my reconnection with the "energetic young man with the childlike zest for life" (as the therapist stated her description of who I had become over the 10-ish month was in therapy during the couples phase and the phase after my XW walked out of session never to return) I mourned the time I lost with the "myself" I liked and I mourned the looming fact that I was going to be one of those divorced guys.

It is okay to recognize your regrets. It is not okay to flog yourself and re-engage to the person who in large part did this to you.

Move on.

Much like you are all in and and your blessedly STBXH has not been in at all. Mortification of one's own flesh is a choice. Stop with the self flagilation and end your own misery by ending him and getting on with your best life.

No matter how long you spend polishing a turd, it is still nothing more than shiney shit. Stop trying to turn the shit that he is into a diamond. It cannot happen.

Take care of you.

Thanks!!

Rags is it weird that like your ex I'm screaming why aren't you fighting for me? Even though, like you I was the only one fighting for your marriage?

Does that even make sense? I might be emotionally drained right now.

He is blocked again and I won't be unblocking.

I needed to say those words of "I can't talk to or see you" because I haven't said it so bluntly. It's been more like "I need peace of mind to gather my thoughts, etc."

And I'm sure I confused him with filing, then still seeing each other and then saying perhaps we can work it out down the road. I just don't want to be married.

So, my emotional back and forth has impacted him too, I'm sure. I don't feel good about that.

At the same token, I'm emotionally confused because of all of the years of this stuff.

But, I told him and he's blocked and I'm thinking due to ego won't be back around.

Baby steps for now. However,

Baby steps for now. However, you need to start stretching those steps soon. You have blocked him. Don't unblock him.

Have you filed yet? If not, do it now.

You are an empath. You will distroy yourself to avoid destroying someone who is destroying you.

Please don't continue to do that to yourself. Go back ane re-read all of your posts on him, sit down and do the history spreadsheet on what he has perpetrated toxically in your life.

You are resetting your grief and pain every day because you keep engaging mentally and emotionally if not actively.

You are important. You control it. So control it. What he feels, wants, or does is irrelevant as he has proven who he is.

Huge hugs and many toasts to your joyous new life adventure.

You're right Rags.

I filed already. He has until mid June to contest it and file something with the court but the court told me if he doesn't by then I can call to schedule the hearing.

When I asked him earlier if he got the divorce papers, he said yes but the papers said he has to send all of this stuff in to where I told him, you don't have to do anything. If you do nothing, I can schedule the hearing. He just said ok.

I'm not surprised that he says he has to do "something" because he doesn't pay attention to important things, not even legal matters.

The notice says:

If you wish to respond to the Complaint, you must deliver a written Answer to the Plaintiff’s attorney (or the Plaintiff if not represented by an attorney) at the above address within 28 days after receiving this Summons (not counting the day you received it). A letter or a phone call will not protect you. Civil Rule 5 explains the ways that you may deliver the Answer. You must also file a copy of your Answer with this Court within 3 days after you serve it on the Plaintiff. You can file your Answer with the Clerk of Courts by one of the following methods: 1) In-person or by mail at the above address or 2) electronically through the online e-Filing system. For more information on using the e-Filing system, visit http://

If you fail to serve and file your Answer, you will lose valuable rights. The Court will decide the case in favor of the Plaintiff and grant the relief requested in the Complaint by entering a default judgment against you.

So yes, I filed and in mid June, I will call to schedule the hearing because I'm sure he won't file an answer and when I told he has to do nothing he said ok.

You are 6.5 days until mid

You are 6.5 days until mid June.

How is it progressing?

Hi Rags - The hearing is

Hi Rags - The hearing is scheduled for the beginning of July.

It's a zoom call for an uncontested divorce. My daughter will be my witness and I doubt he'll join the call even though I know he was sent a letter in the mail.

I'm relieved that you are

I'm relieved that you are commited to your own relief. Hang in there. Enjoy setting off on your new life adventure.

Ghost Him

After I filed, my now-xH tried allllll manner of tactics to "Hoover" me back. Four months after I filed & had ex move out (of course he immediately had my then-21 now-xSS move in with him!), our old dog finally passed away, so I had ZERO reason to have any kind of contact with now-xH. I had my divorce attorney tell xH all communication must go through my attorney - that I did not want to speak to or correspond with xH.

So this is my warning to you, because manipulative, gaslighting narcissists HATE losing access to you! My xH kept coming by and leaving love letters, gifts, and notes; he drove by my house every day (neighbors kept seeing him and he'd even stop to talk to them and tell them he loves me & misses living here), and blowing up my attorney's inbox, trying to get me to respond. He lied in his divorce papers about the value of our assets (no real estate or bio's together, thank God) and I had to get a forensic accountant to formally valuate my retirement accounts from before/during the marriage, since xH overstated what he was "entitled" to. Although xH moved 1.25 hours away over a year ago, he still drives by my house on his days off.

So, hopefully your STBXH doesn't do any of that, but it's 100% typical narcissist behavior that you should be prepared to 100% NOT respond to... unless it's to get a restraining order if needed. I didn't get a RO because I didn't want to reward my xH with getting to see me in court at a RO hearing. Me & all my neighbs have cameras & neighbs are all aware he's not welcome here.

Again, hopefully none of that happens to you. Keep your head on a swivel though; people like this think they own you so be careful and NEVER give them your attention again. They don't learn.

Well, mine isn't. He suddenly

Well, mine isn't. He suddenly stopped. So I'm questioning whether he is truly narcissistic or if I'm the problem.

He was and just stopped.

Stop seeking to blame yourself.

Have confidence in you.

You know he is not worthy. Odds are that his just stopping is more manipulation. He is trying to suck you back in and undermine your confidence.

You are in for a rough ride

i've been through this with 3 SD's, and you are in for a rough ride with these girls. I would think very hard about how much you love this man and if its not worth it, leave him.

If he is worth it, he needs to be trained (takes many years) to listen to you and teach his kids to respect you and your home. It took my DH 12 years to do this, and he still has a hard time seeing his daughters for what they are: manipulative bullies.

Good luck. I hope you have fewer emotional scars from this than I do. I swear I have PTSD from dealing with this.

Yes, I know. It'll never

Yes, I know. It'll never change. He's an entitled narcissist with major daddy guilt issues that he refuses to get help for.

This is turn has caused him to raise his older daughter to be the same as him. She's a mini him. Looks and personality and attitude. It's honestly scary. The younger one not so bad.

I love him. I adore him. The good side of him. I also love his daughters and really loved our blended family when things were good. There were more bad than good though. Especially as they got older.

IF he had shown signs of change, wanting to get therapy, etc. Then perhaps but again, it was NEVER him OR them OR their mom. It was all me and all in my head.

I'm sorry you have PTSD. I understand because I do too. It's the worst feeling. 15 years of emotional abuse, gaslighting "it's all you and in your head", physical at times which included breaking things, punching holds in walls, tables, etc.

On top of shutting me down whenever I had a thought, or tried to help him discipline, etc. I was the "mean step mom" and look at all he's dealing with now?

Anyway, I am looking for a therapist that specializes in trauma but again, I thought things would be different when they were moved out, etc. but nope. It's NEVER going to change.

I'm praying for you and your healing from all of this.

Glad you're done

Glad you're on the road to freedom!

You are right

He will never change. His DD are playing him. He's asserting his DD playing him, unfortunately your SO is not ready for a new relationship with you. His ex, and DD not only cone first, but are the only thing that matters. All he needs is a bed partner. The thing his DD can't give him and the ex will not give him.
Be happy you are free, it's not goung to get better, Some "stupit thing of the week. " will come up, and he will go off . You must disengage, stop careing about. Dysfunction SD, Dysfunctional EX wife. His Dysfunctional life, or you will come dysfunctional yourself. Your life now has nothing to do with your ex, He did it to himself, he chose to pick his DD and ex over you.

THANK YOU for the update. Hope some young step person involved in a dysfunctional relationship will understand, that things don't change. That there is no magic age where things get turn around. [When kids reach 18 things will change ]. No 18 birthday is just another day except for someone paying for a big party with the un paying ex invited.. step parents. This is your life

Hi all - Just checking in

Hi all - Just checking in because I'm struggling today.

Was feeling stronger but today I'm really missing him. I keep thinking about the good and have to remind myself of the bad but it's still tearing me apart.

I haven't unblocked him and he hasn't stopped by at all.

Maybe that's why. Because the reality is setting in.

Like I truly expected him to stop by again or email or figure out a way to call.

So it's just hitting me. That this is real. It's killing me.

I'm so sad and I feel weak. Like I just want to give in and be done and just try over again.

Nooo. Far from killing you, it is saving you from an eternity

Nooo. Far from killing you, it is saving you from an eternity of the same crap that you know full well doesn't work.

Get through it this once. Fully through it. Commit to yourself and commit to living your best life, and this will eventually end. One day in the not too distant future you will have a "poof" moment where your wonderful life will be very present for you and you will know you did the best thing for yourself. Every step is in that direction. Just keep moving. One step at a time.

*give_rose*

Dear Lady,

Please, oh please, listen to Rags. In an earlier post, he wrote:

'You are an empath. You will destroy yourself to avoid destroying someone who is destroying you.'

Which is both very insightful and written by a man who has probably been a member of StepTalk longer than any of us and knows of what he speaks. (And BTW, Rags, you’ve neglected to mention your famous three-day break-up rule which might be of value in please_help’s plight.)

After reading your current and previous posts, Hon, I’m truly alarmed at your current struggles and the fact that you’ve failed to completely block your (hopefully) soon-to-be ex-husband. As you’ve mentioned, life is short and you’ve already wasted far too much of it being tormented by a cruel, selfish, abusive narcissist.

I left two bad marriages before I met the man of my dreams. He is kind, generous, honest and practically worships the ground I walk on with the bonus of being handsome, fit and an Olympic-grade smoocher. I’ll be 80 this year but we still make out like teenagers when the mood strikes. Dang, when I was your age, the two of us could barely keep our hands off one another.

Hon, you’ve got a whole lot of life to live and there’s a guy out there just waiting for you. However, before you get involved in another relationship, you first need to heal. I strongly recommend that you find a good therapist and ‘fix your picker’. Your willingness to accept so much punishment from your soon-to-be ex and his children says a lot about a lack of self-esteem and other issues that need to be addressed. I’m an empath myself and can assure you that women like us, who have a longing to help and support, are magnets for attention-seeking, souless, narcissists and sociopaths.

From the information you’ve provided about your soon-to-be ex, he is clearly narcissistic, at the very least. Men like him hate to be rejected and, as StepUltimate has so wisely stated:

… manipulative, gaslighting narcissists HATE losing access to you!

You may think that your soon-to-be ex will stay away in order to satisfy his ego but that’s not the way that narcissists operate. When he discovers that he’s losing control of his ‘property’, he’ll do his best to reel you back in so that he can continue to abuse you. Nobody dumps a narcissist; they do the dumping!

Be strong, Hon! Your life and future happiness depend upon sticking with your decision to divorce and to keep that vampire from your door. And please, stay with us, lean on us; we can help you to save yourself! Get on the phone tomorrow and make an appointment with a therapist, I implore you. ♥️

Right. Here goes. You are not

Right. Here goes. You are not missing HIM. You are missing the man that you thought he was, the man you wanted him to be. Think long and hard about this.

Sit down with a sheet of paper and write down all the things you liked about him. Now, put the date when each of these last occurred opposite each one.

Now, make a list of all of the things that you have come to hate about him...

Both lists are reminders that he is no good for you.

Finally, burn both sheets and, as they go up in smoke, picture yourself finally letting go of him a little more with every wisp of smoke.

This is only killing you because you are allowing it to. You must keep busy to stop these feelings creeping in and taking over. Time to schedule a trip to visit family and/or friends you haven't seen in ages!

Be strong! You deserve SO much better than him. You've got this!

I don't want to make that

I don't want to make that list because there were truly so many good times to list and only a handful of the bad times. The bad ones were BAD though.

But I'm trying very hard. Thank yoU!

It's like drug withdrawal.

It's like drug withdrawal. Feels like crap at first but worth it!

That's exactly what it feels

That's exactly what it feels like. I'm only saying I know this cause of what I've read about drug withdrawal. It's horrible.

As grannyd commanded, the Rags 3 Day rule.

Breakups are hard. They hurt. However, they only hurt the worst for 3 days. Then, each day they hurt just a fraction less until eventually, they are nothing worse than the occassional and rare unpleasant memory.

However, any re-engagement at all resets the process back to square one and the whole progression is experience again.

Be good to yourself and stay the course.

I understand the pain. It took me years to recover from my first marriage and the divorce. I did not wait, I did not punish myself. I started actively engaging in my best life the very evening of the day my XFIL and XW drove off with a truck and triler full of her stuff. They were mostly down the block when the locksmith tured onto the street. Never again did my XW have a key to the house we had purchased 3mos before she told me she wanted a divorce.

I had a date that night. I was not willing to sacrifice one more pico-second of my life for her or the failed marriage. I did not re-engage in any true sense. We had a number of lunch meetings over the next several months until the divorce hearing where the Judges signed the divorce decree. It was weird. The closer we got to the hearing the more overtly affectionate she got. Almost zero sex for a year long engagemen (none at all during the dating and engagement period) t and 2years of marriage leading to the day she moved out. Her oddest proposal was that we could be lovers once the divorce was final when I was in town for business.

On the date I had that night after she moved out, the next AM there was banging on the front door. I answered the door in a towel. She was livid that her key did not work. I did not open the storm door. As she ranted I actually relaxed because I knew I was finally done. I had been all in for the entire marriage, she was not in at all. I fought for us, she never did. So when I was standing there butt neked accept for a towel while she was doign her thing I decompressed for the first time in years. Then... she went silent and her mouth dropped open slack jawed. A beautiful blonde woman walked up behind me wrapped in a bedsheet. At that moment, I was completely free.

Do not re-engage. No matter how much pain you may be in on any given eventing. Give yourself the gift of time and staying the course. You are past day 3 so you are already into the tiny daily improvements. Yes, there are some days that feel worse than any day before, but... keep investing in yourself. The pain will pass.

And as grannd said, get yourself to a quality therapist. Make that investment in yourself. Making sure that the therapist is truly a good one and not some pseudo-science hack who could not get a productive job so decided to spout ineffective brilliance at people needeing help.

Take care of you.

I'm so happy that you got out

I'm so happy that you got out of there as well!

I'm not re-engaging and seeking a good therapist.

I'm way past my 3 days though and I don't think that is true lol cause I feel terrible.

I guess I'm starting over in my 50's (well I'll be 50 in a few months). UGH.

I second that

You should see someone.. to try to understand why you keep falling for the same trap all the time. DH is sick. He needs help. But most likely there nothing anyone can do. He lives in his own world. A Unhealthy world

I second that

Hi Harry - I am looking for a

Hi Harry - I am looking for a good therapist. I had one who stopped working in the field so I'm looking for another one I can connect with.

He does live in his own world though and has taught his daughters (especially his oldest) that it's ok to be so selfish, self centered and entitled.

Who would have thought that

Who would have thought that using your daughter to fill your own personal needs of physical affection, attention, and validation would lead to her becoming an emotionally disturbed, failure to launch young woman? This guy will get what he wants. His daughter will never become independent and will keep coming back after each crisis, proving that HE is still the most important person in the world to her. He gets to take care of her FOR EVER!!

I hope at least the younger daughter can get away and break the cycle of dysfunction. And you. I hope you can, too.

I don't think it was just him

I don't think it was just him and this was his daughter until she was about 16 and she hates him now but is using him.

She is the product of two people who shouldn't have had kids together. The mom is on her 4th husband (she's 45) and just had two more daughters with her 4th husband. Now a total of 5 daughters who are the product of 3 of 4 of her marriages. She is a gypsy con artist and super manipulative.

This daughter is a mix of both of them and it's the worst thing. Truly.

But yes, I do agree that she's never going to go away fully to start her own life because she's a con artist like her mom. He even said this about her once. She's just like her mom and can't be trusted.

Welp!

The question is, does he have

The question is, does he have the character and intellect to not play the master game that the mini-wife and her toxic mommy are orchestrating?

For his sake,I hope so.

Do not continually sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom to your failed partner and his failed family baggage.

Be good to you.

Live your best life. Your XSO no longer matters, at all.

It’s a blessing I guess that

It’s a blessing I guess that he hasn't,

But my thoughts are that if he’s truly narcissistic and abusive he wouldn’t stop trying.

So I’m questioning if the issue is as bad as it seems.

Cause he just stopped stopping by and hasn’t tried to email or call from someone else’s phone.

So did I make a mistake?

Does this make sense?

So maybe he's not

So maybe he's not narcissistic. If that's the case, he's simply a terrible father with a daughter who will make your life hell, and he doesn't have the desire or ability to be a decent husband. Is that any better? Both are bad and there is no winning with him. No happiness for you.

ETA having him be "evil"

ETA having him be "evil" makes it easier to leave, but if he's not a narcissist and is just piss poor partner material, that won't make it any better if you stay. A guy who only cares about his own comfort and "being seen as a good guy" may not be as evil as a full-blown narcissist, but trying to have a relationship with him will still make you miserable.

Thank you. I know all of

Thank you. I know all of this.

I just have never been this sad or torn up after a break up. It's really eating me up. I'm trying but I'm just feelilng weak.

I'm being honest with you all. I'm staying strong but I'm just struggling.

Never mind. I answered your original post... again.

Sorry for missing that the orignial post is pushing 10yrs old.

Stay the course on your escape.

It's ok Rags, no worries!

The fact that you pointed out the original post is from 10 years ago is making me say WOW.

Hi all - Just checking in for

Hi all - Just checking in for support cause I'm feeling panicky, scared, like I made a mistake.

I haven't unblocked him and he hasn't stopped by at all.

Like I truly expected him to stop by again or email or figure out a way to call. He still hasn't.

This isn't like him at all so now I'm thinking he's over our situation because I'm the difficult one? Or he's done with me because he's realizing I'm the problem, etc.

Or that he's already moved on, etc.

Why would he suddenly stop?

Am I being too harsh in blocking him, etc.?

How does he go from saying "I don't want to live my life without you" to not fighting to try and call me from someone else's phone or email or stopping by now?

P.S. Our divorce hearing is scheduled for July.

I'm struggling really bad. Now questioning myself. I just don't understand.

Hang in there, it gets better

It's natural to feel this way - you did NOT make a mistake. After I filed for divorce & had xH move out, I oscillated through some panicky, anxious, nervous cycles. However, feelings aren't facts. I still loved him with my heart (or who he initially presented himself to be), and I had to revisit the FACTS that led me to file in order to rise above the feelings. My brain knew based on years of evidence that it wasn't going to work. The brain is much faster than the heart/emotions. The brain knows 2 + 2 does not equal 5, while the heart/emotions keep hoping that it really IS 5, and maybe if we just try harder we'll arrive a 5 and it'll be okay. But it's NOT 5 snd it is NOT okay - far from it. So far from 5 that you filed for divorce... based on what you KNOW from having lived with it and observed the reality, and suffered the consequences. Your brain knew back in 2015 - back wnen he told you he would still hold his daughter when she was 25, when he'd moved closer to his ex, when he refused to set healthy boundaries.

He hasn't changed and won't change - you're just in new, uncharted territory and it's uncomfortable. The discomfort is temporary. Please treat yourself gently and with grace - I doubt you'd expect a friend to go through a situation like this without feeling anxious and worried, so please don't think you've made a horrible error just because it's uncomfortable. Separation and divorce are painful and full of uncertainty, especially when it's still fresh.

It might be helpful to read this definition and ask yourself if you're experiencing Sunk Cost Fallacy:

https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy

Also...

Suggest you re-read this blog, and everything you wrote from the top, original 2015 blog on down through your recent update. THAT is what you are freeing yourself from.

I really feel for you, and wish I could be there for you in-person to hug you & talk you down off the anxiety & self-doubt ledge. I am glad you are writing here on StepTalk.

Thank you!! All of you.

Trust me, I have read the start of my posts to now and for some reason, I keep thinking what if the worst was behind us with his daughters growing up and hopefully moving on to start their own families, etc.?

Like would it be better once they're off doing that and the issues that we had cause of them go away?

I keep thinking the next woman is going to be so lucky cause she will have got to be with him AFTER all the stuff I went through with his kids when they were younger. But now that they will be off doing their own thing (maybe) this woman doesn't have to deal with any of that, etc.

It makes me angry and hurt to think that.

So I just keep thinking "what if", etc.

AND still don't understand why he hasn't tried to call me from someone else's phone, or email me or stop by. THIS makes me feel like he's done with me and that I was/am the problem.

You are NOT the problem!

I just read this entire blog for the first time. How awful and gross! Please stay strong, I'd hate to see you involved with him again for any reason. It's a gift that you aren't hearing from him. Just try to please stay strong!

The "What If"

There's a saying recovering addicts have in 12-step programs for when they're tempted to drink/use drugs again: "My mind is not my friend." Because those thoughts of potential benefits to returning to the toxic habit - whatever it is - are ultimately not rational or helpful, and the more you indulge in those thoughts, the more likely you are to return to the toxic substance your addiction is craving.

Relationships can be like addictions, where something you KNOW is not good for you continues to be something you crave, fantasize about, long for, and romantasize. "It will be better this time! I can control it. The worst is passed. I'll have boundaries this time. I know more now than I did then." ...and so on.

Al-Anon is actually a 12-step program I spent several years in and it was tremendously helpful (and FREE!). I am an adult child of an alcoholic dad. In that program, I learned that although I wasn't an alcoholic or drug addict, I was addicted to the excitement caused by living with/reacting to the addict (or at the very least, it was "Normal" to me due to years of exposure), and that I attracted other addicts as my partners, repeating the role of my co-dependent, enabling mom. My family role was The Peacemaker and I am highly empathic. I definitely could say I was addicted to the "Hopium," which is continuing to hope in spite of all the evidence that the alcoholic/addict cannot or will not change, that they will change. That I could love them enough or be kind and generous enough or patient enough or be so inspirational that maybe they will change and things will be better! Unfortunately, that is Magical Thinking (as a child growing up with no legal rights until 18, it was also Survival Thinking).

By spending time wondering why your STBX isn't calling, you're punishing yourself and making this harder for yourself. This is not a critisism; it's natural to wonder! However, rather than letting those thoughts consume you and keep you captive in anxiety & bad feelings, you have options. Tools for interrupting those thoughts include:

Calling a friend & asking how they are doing
Excercise: Going for a walk/bike ride/hike & enjoying nature (even if its just the flowers & trees in your neighborhood!). Side benefit is that you'll sleep better.
Writing it out (as you're doing here) to get it out, then deliberately thinking about something else
DOING something else that needs to be done (pay bills, take out the trash, get groceries, donate clothes/items you don't use anymore, pull weeds, give the dog a bath, clean the windows, laundry, etc.)
Make plans with friends: invite one or more friends to coffee, lunch, or an art gallery walk, comedy show, live music, etc.
Volunteer: local animal rescue, creek clean-up, helping an elderly neighbor with their yard, etc. Maybe even foster a dog or ccat if you're able to!
Entertainment: Watch a good movie, listen to a good podcast, documentary, geography or nature show, comedy (avoid romantic films for now though!), concert footage of your fav musicians

You are more than just the ex of a toxic family you've filed for divorce from. Rediscover all the good qualities you have. Be kind to yourself. This isn't easy for anyone, but you are already doing a lot of the right things for yourself, so build on that in healthy ways.

Thank you.

As an FYI, he wasn't always this way. We were really good when we were good and no issues regarding his daughters, etc.

I am trying all I can to stay busy.

Thing is, when I blended our families and became a wife I changed my life to where I rarely went out and it was always just him and I or family things.

So I had a "family" for close to 15 years and I felt like my life was full in a sense (again, when things were good). To poof, having just me, my daughter and her partner and my job.

I truly have no social life otherwise and I had a very small circle of friends before him which I don't spend time with anymore because we aren't close anymore.

So I am incredibly lonely on top of all this. I'm going to be 50, single and I have no social life, no friends, etc.

It's like I'm starting over from every angle and it's so hard and SCARY.

He was the one who always took me out, got me out on walks, etc. Was my "best friend" in that sense.

Again, I could have went out with friends and I did from time to time but even after we separated he always checked in to get me out of the house.

So, I'm really going through a lot. I'm losing so much in a sense. Even though I know you all say I'm not.

Just wanted to explain this part cause I don't know if I had.

I just feel terrible. So terrible. I'm so depressed. I literally slept all weekend.

Hmm ... if he was the only

Hmm ... if he was the only one who took you anywhere, who took you out, have you considered that he was also the one who was cutting you off from the outside world?

Hi Winterglow - No, that wasn

Hi Winterglow - No, that wasn't the case because I could have gone out. Just chose to do more family things.

And I did go out from time to time.

I revised my post to say this and to note that I did go out from time to time but after we separated and I didn't anymore, he was the only one asking to get me out of the house whether it was a walk, to eat, get ice cream, etc.

Because I have become quite isolated in the last few years.

OK, I understand better now.

OK, I understand better now. It's not easy getting back out there to meet people when your an introvert, is it?

Yes! Thing is I'm an ambivert

Yes! Thing is I'm an ambivert (bit of both) and used to be social and want to do things. Now, it's hard to just go to work.

I started feeling this way as soon as he moved out and we separated. I feel frozen in a sense.

Have you been screened for

Have you been screened for depression? If not, please consider it - help is out there and might make such a difference.

I understand

I'm 51 and also, like you, literally starting over. I too had made my life all about my xH & his fam. It's been a joy to reactivate old friendships & make new friends the past two years. I'm so much less lonely now than I was during the last few years of my marriage (when my brain knew it was over but my heart wasn't there yet). The extra sleep is part of depression and makes sense, because you are going through something really painful and sometimes the body gets so taxed from the stress it just shuts down & tries to heal. It's a lonely, stressful, painful time. There's no way out but through, and your future self will thank you for being strong enough to free yourself from that nightmare. You might not feel very strong right now but you are.

You're gonna get through this and heal; right now you're like an oozing wound that hasn't even scabbed up yet.

Thanks Rags and everyone else

Thanks Rags and everyone else!

I know it might be super hard for you all to understand. I’m just having trouble letting go. This is 100% pure codependency. He has drinking issues and anxiety and I worry about that.

I know he's been drinking a lot since I left and I worry about that.

I miss things about our life together (because we did have a good life together much of the time, or it wouldn’t have lasted so long).

It’s just hard to separate from someone who was your main person for nearly two decades. It leaves a big hole. I have no interest in dating again (not for a long time).

I just keep thinking what if we went to counseling? What if the divorce shows him how serious I am and he changes? Again, I'm not perfect I bring my own set of issues to the table.

So do we both just say goodbye without really trying hard first?

The whole no contact thing is causing me so much anxiety. Can I go no contact and not have it be forever. It's the "forever" part that I think make people not do it because that makes it seem way too overwhelming.

Do I need space, NC, for six months?

I realize that none of this part has been talked about. All of the talk has been leaving, being done, etc. No talk really of trying other options that we haven't yet, etc.

Take it easy on me (please). Just bringing this up because it's what's on my mind and heart right now.

Just One Annecdotal Account

After my ex told me repeatedly, "Eff you! Get a divorce!" then tearfully begged me to stay multiple times, we went to three (3) different marriage counselors. Turns out, I was the "Identified Problem" and according to him, ex had zero problems and nothing to apologize for.

Therefore, the marriage counseling sessions were a waste if $$ and time. I was not "fixed" and xH had pre-conditions (for example, he told me "Don't tell the MC that I smoke weed daily and have two prior Domestic Violence convictions"). He blamed me for being "too sensitive" and wrong wheneber I didn't match his narrative. I just found out this month that our "mutual friends" haven't even talked to him since before December since they're so disguested with him.

WOW! How did that happen that

WOW! How did that happen that you were the problem? That is SCARY!

Please tell us that you did

Please tell us that you did tell the MC about the daily canabis problem and the two domestic violence convictions.

Never keep his secrets. Particularly those types of secrets.

I am so glad you made your escape to living your best life with that incubus in your past.

I'm so sorry this happened to

I'm so sorry this happened to you but glad you're free of it!!

My case is very different with the DV incident (s). The one his good friend and his wife picked me up after one of them and saw that I was bleeding and his "friend" remained friends with him afterwards.

I'm assuming this is because I stayed with him afterwards but..

He has a ton of what they call narcissistic flying monkeys. His family and his friends. Even after 6 DUI's still supportive and bailing him out.

This is while we were together but I bet it'll continue throughout his lifetime.

THANK YOU ALL!

You are right. If he wanted it to work at any point, he would have stopped doing the things that were causing us problems. I have tried to talk to him countless times.

I tried talking to him calmly but there were also so many times that I was accusatory and blaming such as "you never" "you don't understand" etc. Which I know isn't the best way to talk. BUT I did try other ways. I do remember him saying "you always say I never" and "what am I not doing for you now?"

So I always felt like no matter how I worded something to him it was wrong. So maybe that's why I have a feeling of guilt as well.

Cause I feel like I was the abusive one. Which I think I was in a codependent controlling way and I wasn't always nice to him when I was upset.

So I know I have problems too and I'm terrified that no man will ever "deal" with my problems the way my soon to be ex husband did.

So it's almost like it's the best it's going to get and we can work on it, etc. cause we BOTH have issues.

This happened to me. First I

This happened to me. First I moved to Sweden with my child for him. I left everything behind in the US and moved. His spawn treated us like garbage and smeared me and my child to everyone.

Second, it took him 5 years to propose. I had to tell him if he didn't solidify our relationship I would go back to the US and he was free to come. He proposed in a heartbeat.

Third, the mini wife was just off putting. She tried to do it when I visited for Christmas one time and it was gross. She would rub herself on him and look at me wanting to meet my gaze. She went into our room when we were getting undressed. My husband didn't notice because he's oblivious and not a pervert but I told him and he was disgusted.

I am happy they have been alienated (well they are two adults and one older teen) and do not visit or call or have contact. My husband knows what and how they are and he has no contact either. I am happy and so is he. We have peace and order and sanity at last. They can go due in a hole for all I care. They are just like the mother who is an evil, evil human being.

Best of luck to you!!!

You're very lucky (sort of)

You're very lucky (sort of) at least he's ok with no contact. My STBXH chose them over me.

Hence the divorce.

Hi all.

I broke no contact. Well, he called from an unknown number, I answered and talked for a few minutes and then I unblocked him after. Thinking I’m an adult and can be cordial.

I called my mom to tell her I was panicking and not sure I want a divorce. She got into my head by telling me to follow my heart, not my head. That if you’re not ready then don’t and if you still love him then don’t. She said to start spending more time with him, put him first and to not say anything about his daughters anymore. Give it one more year. That if he winds go with another woman I was going to have a fit.

She doesn’t know about the physical abuse from years ago.

So me being the deep over thinker really started feeling like I made a mistake and went into I have to save us mode.

He stopped over and I broke two things. I saw him, was intimate and I also drank. Which I don’t want to do anymore.

On top of the having fun with him and cause I was drinking and cause of the fear said many things to him. I took all accountability and said I filed for divorce cause I wasn’t thinking straight cause of Prozac and I was impulsive.

I said I wanna try and give it a year but I won’t live with you. Will put you and the marriage first.

That was fear talking. And I can’t believe I said that. I took it all on me and regret that.

Cause the reasons why are still the same but I feel like now he knows and sees how truly unstable I am.

I feel bad and regretful and ashamed of myself.

I don’t know how to undo this and I don’t know how to get back to where I was.

Please talk to me and guide me though this one. I’m a mixed bag of emotions.

His older daughter came and was sweet but she’s troubled. I kept on catching her giving him really mean angry at him faces. Which I find so odd. I wish I knew why.

I know I messed up but please try to take it easy on me. I need help navigating this.

I’d like to

throttle your mother. She gave you some really bad advice. I'm wondering if that's why you turned to her - because you knew she'd tell you wanted to hear and so you'd have a cheering section when you went back to him.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you this has been going on so much that it must seem normal to you now. But please try to remember that your relationship isn't normal, it isn't healthy and it's not going to get better.

This has to come from you. You have to dig down and find the strength to end this, for once and for all. He's your drug of choice and you're pretty close to an overdose.

Did i read correctly that he

Did i read correctly that he has 6 DUIs? And he has you drinking but you didn't really want to? Do you have a bad history with alcohol? Like, is he leading you down a bad path?

You can always tell him you changed your mind. You have that right. The fact that you told him you want to get back together does not make it a binding contract. You still have as many choices as you did before.

Gloves off. You are surrounded by stupid.

That does not mean you have to be stupid.

I agree that your mother is a moron.

Look at how you feel immediately after breaking no contact. You know. So, end it, again. For good.

You cannot keep polluting your life and ignoring what YOU are doing to yourself.

Go no contact, change your numbers, change your social media.... AND MOVE!!!!!

You do not stop smelling shit in your life until you stop swmming in the sewer.

He called you from an unknown number because he is a manipulative weasley POS. Had he any balls, he would have called from his number instead of being a sneaky dickhead.

The only way to deal with manipulative POS people is to flush the toilet they wallow in. For damned sure you don' dive in yourself.

I said I wanna try and give it a year but I won’t live with you. Will put you and the marriage first.

That is not married. That is compromise at your own expense. When does HE put YOU first?

I feel bad and regretful and ashamed of myself.

And there.... is reality. There is your answer. Stop thinking. Really. Just stop. I beat "use your head" into most situations extremely firmly. But in your case, as an admitted over thinker, do your self a favor and reset to the answer you already know is the right one. AND STOP THINKING!

Don't forget to MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE. Get TF out of the cesspool since you can't stop diving in.

Now for some hugs. You need some from someone who wants nothing from you other than what is best for you.

And get thee to a foot up your ass no bullshit therapist who will make it painful for you to drop out of remission from Cranio-Rectitis. A therapist who knows how to work with victims of manipulative low quality poor choices in a mate. You are the one making a poor choice. You know it. Stop that.

There's so much to unpack here...

I really think you would benefit from talking to a good therapist. With all due respect to your mother, I strongly disagree with her advice. Following your heart is what's kept you in this mess for ten years... it's time to use your head. Today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the day after that. Start again. Start over every day if you have to. I think you KNOW that you are better off apart from this person.. it's just that it's so hard to leave. It's painful and lonely at first, and I can sense your panic that he might move on without you. You are grieving for the life you feel you should've had. IT WILL GET BETTER. You need time and space...that means no contact with him or the girls. I wish there was an easier answer but sometimes we just have to walk through the fire. We are here for you.

Since daddy is nose blind to

Since daddy is nose blind to the behavioral stench of the 12yo and will not shut her crap down, you do it.

"This is an adult conversation and you are not part of it. So either be quiet or leave the room."

I would not tolerate any of the baby voice or daddy snuggle bullshit. You stop it.

Some affection between children and parents is normal, unless it isn't. I would say that they both know that this is not normal and SD needs to be made clear that her fabricated cutesy bullshit is not happening.

It takes something like 7 times for a woman to leave her abuser.

Go easy on yourself and forgive yourself for not getting it right straight away.

Find your local domestic violence service and just ring them up or pop in to have a chat about what practical, emotional help they can offer. While they will encourage you to get away from the abuser (yes, even if abuse is years old, you wold still qualify for their services), they'll respect your decision to go at your place, to change your mind as many times as you need. You'll get a case worker allocated to you, who'll be kind and supportive, has seen similar cases many times before, and nothing you say will surprise her. She well most likely have gone through something similar. If you don't feel like engaging, you won't have to speak to them after the initial conversation. If you decide after a few weeks that you no longer need them, you won't have to engage with them. You can pull out from their services at any time. If you mess up and want to come back later feeling ashamed you've let yourself or them down, they'll take you back, no questions asked. There are some good people out there.

I do agree also that my mom

I do agree also that my mom will say whatever she thinks I need to hear to feel better.

For example, when I told her I filed for divorce, etc. She said "good, it's time to be free and live your life".

Then when I told her I wasn't sure and fearful, etc. she said to follow my heart, etc.

I have been so frozen and have felt guilty for every single decision I've made in the last few years. Trying to please myself, do the "right thing" to show my daughter (even though 30 years old) to respect yourself. All at the same time she knows of the toxicity in this marriage (not the physical).

She was very upset with me for spending time with him and I feel so bad about this. Like I feel like I let her down, myself down, him down.

I feel guilty if I ever have fun. The next day just feel terrible.

Feel so guilty for having drinks over the weekend when I really want to quit.

I feel like I can't do anything right. Hanging out with him is wrong, having a drink is wrong, being social is wrong, things I say are wrong, I'm a bad mom figure, a narcissistic needy and controlling wife and step mom.

Insecure and no friends so I wind up going back to what I know which is him.

AND I know all of this is wrong. So I'm either stuck at home alone, suffering without anyone or with him feeling wrong or just feeling wrong in general.

I don't know how to get over this or what to do but I truly hate my life right now.

I really do.

My divorce hearing is next Monday and hear I am second guessing it. I spent time with him, tell him all these things and then next Monday I'm supposed to divorce him.

Like I feel crazy. Just absolutely sad, ashamed, scared, guilty, just NUTS. I feel nuts.

And I don't know what to do....

You can do whatever you want

You can do whatever you want to do. I said it in another reply but it bears repeating. You have choices. Sleeping with him, drinking, etc. None of those things change the choices you have today. They are the same choices you had yesterday and last week. Nothing you have done can't be undone. If you want to stop drinking, you do it one day at a time. Each day is a fresh new start. Same goes for other bad habits (i'm referring to the guy.) You haven't made a life-altering mistake by "relapsing" once.

The thing is, I drink only

The thing is, I drink only when I'm with him. Not every time with him, but only with him.

He's TOXIC for you

... and has you in crazy-making self-doubt and shame. One free support resource is Al-Anon. People there will welcome you and 100% understand what you're going thru, and it's very encouraging & healing.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

Yep. For the codependent, the

Yep. For the codependent, the alcoholic IS the drug. Quitting is just as hard for the codependent as for the alcoholic.

I'd like to echo this. I've

I'd like to echo this. I've read your story here and sure maybe you made a mistake... However that doesn't everything you have done is undone and can't be fixed moving forward. After all this man has put you though with his kids and assault I sincerely hope that you DO end up divorcing him.

Thank you Yesterdays.

What do you mean by can't be undone or can be undone? Can you clarify?

I think for me it's hard because all of the worst was done in the past and shouldn't people forgive and move on and then give chances?

That's what he says. I'm still holding on to the past and how can he move forward being a better person when I always throw his past in his face? That things can change.

It just seemed like you were

It just seemed like you were second guessing your right to want to divorce him after what happened between you. I was just saying that if you want to divorce him... Anything else doesn't matter. I think that you should continue on your path.

As far as HIM... ya he is going to try to say whatever he can to win you back. He's already shown that he ISN'T going to change in any positive way... That's the impression that I got from your post. He would do exactly the same things over and over... He's already told you exactly that.

You can start

by stopping beating yourself up. Ex-sex is not that uncommon. I have a friend who had sex with her ex on her freaking wedding day!

Go through with the divorce. I'm wondering if all this confusion and second guessing yourself is because the divorce is imminent. It's scary. See how you feel on the other side. That year you were talking? Give it to yourself while you're divorced to sort out your feelings. Use the time to see if he treats you better. If you end up getting back together, okay - that's your choice.

Thank you! I'm wondering if

Thank you! I'm wondering if converting the motion to Legal Separation vs. divorce might be better for me.

Until I'm super ready?

That way if he's irresponsible and does something he shouldn't legally I'm not tied to it.

But I can stay on his health insurance and dive into some serious therapy.

If you were my daughter

or my sister I would be screaming NOOOOO!

Get the divorce. They're easily undone.

You're scared right now. That will pass.

I'm replying to you and

I'm replying to you and Winterglow down below.

But can you clarify on what you mean by can be easily undone?

You can

get remarried.

Please don't do that, you'll

Please don't do that, you'll only drag the situation out forever if you do. Frankly, I believe you need to make a clean break from him and stay away from him to get your life back without his toxic influence. He's your puppetmaster... When he's around you stop thinking for yourself and doing what's best for you because you do what's best for him...

Get your divorce over and done with and look towards a bright new future. Life can be so much better when you put yourself first. You don't have to put up with all the crap anymore.

Winterglow - Replying to you

Winterglow - Replying to you and Dollbabies together below.

F-ing your X on your wedding day? So classy.

Please tell me you told the new spouse and they dumped the cheating POS suing for breach of promise and for compensatory and punitive damanges from the cheating fucktard.

Adultery is beyond intolerable IMHO and the cheater needs to face full financial, social, and community destruction forever. Yes, my XW pulled that shit for our entire engagement and our 2.5 year blessedly short marriage. Since then, she has polluted the genome with three all out of wedlock children. Her eldest and youngest being cheat babies spawned with someone other than who she was married to at the time. Her eldest was fertilized while married to me, her youngest was fertilized while married to the geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy she was knocked up by when she was married to me. I celebrated him experiencing what I did when she was inseminated by a cheat buddy she was hosing after grandpa finally married her after their second out of wedlock spawn.

I have no use for scum of this magnitude.

I respected myself enough to not engage in intimacy with my X after she played the "I want a divorce" card. She tried. I wanted nothing of that. I left her to pollute someone elses gene pool. Which she did twice. As last update, she was on her second DH since our divorce. I was her first. I don't get it. The sex was terrible, her family turned out to be shit. I will say she was very attractive and smart. But no matter how much you teach a turd or polish a turd, it is just a shiney and knowledgeable piece of shit.

Yes, cheating is a trigger topic for me.

Hello! You are both and ALL

Hello! You are both and ALL right. I won't be changing it from divorce to legal separation.

I'll be moving forward with the divorce. I actually am calling the court to see if they had a cancellation and can make this happen before next week. This way I can just get it done and not look back.

The term puppermaster is so fitting because I do. As soon as I get scared to "lose" him when it's good, I go right back to the codependent caretaking and spoiling wife that I always have been. And take all of the blame on me to make it seem like I'm not crazy or unstable for going back and forth on this marriage and us.

Can I be honest? One thing that I'm so afraid of, even though I know it's not rational. Is because I've been so back and forth with our relationship because of all that's happened, he thinks I'm unstable and is going to move on to another woman right away and it'll be justified in his mind that he did nothing wrong because I couldn't make up my mind and I'M the one that divorced him and was too controlling, codependent, "crazy", etc.

For some reason, I think while he's married he has a more of a committed mind and if we divorce that'll go out the window.

That terrifies me because like my mom said, I know that'll kick me down so bad if it happens. I think that's what she meant by you'll have a fit. Because I think it's all me.

That he moved on cause I divorced, cause I'm unstable, codependent, insecure, crazy. Which why wouldn't he think that with how things have been and how needy, clingy, how hard I've tried to save the marriage and after I've let him get away with all he has.

Does that make sense?

BUT I don't want him to be my puppetmaster anymore. I want to be strong, confident, show him that it was him as well.

So with all of that said, how do I go about telling him I'm still moving forward with the divorce? AND I want him to know that I don't take all of the blame, that it's him too. Because I took all of it over the weekend.

THANK YOU ALL SO much. You have no idea how strong you keep me (even after I make mistakes)

If he thinks you left because

If he thinks you left because you were "crazy", oh well. I actually once broke up with a guy and let him think so. "It's not you, it's me. I'm just all mixed up in the head and i need to focus on myself!" At the time i thought it kinder than the truth, which was that i thought he was unattractive and selfish.

I get not wanting to hurt

I get not wanting to hurt someone. Though rather than put on am I'm crazy its me and not you thing, I prefer direct and calm. "It is time for me to move. This is not working for me anymore." I avoid the why conversation and move on respectfully. I leave the other person to cogitate the why. I reached the decision for my reasons. I cannot convince the other person of my choice so it is best to get on with moving on. That is best for both. Becasue for the one who is done to stay is just wrong for both.

IMHO of course.

I have only ended one SO relationship of my own choice. The others were either ended by the other person or by life changing events like a move.

I like to believe that if I were get to that point, I would have the courage to just end it and move on instead of recycling and extending a relationship that is not right for either party. If it is not right for both, it isn't right.

It no longer matters what he

It no longer matters what he thinks about you. He's made it abundantly clear that you are WAY down in the pecking order whereas you should be at the very top. So what if he finds someone else? Remind yourself about what he put you through. Would you consider that to be an enviable situation? This is a man who thinks it's appropriate to sleep with his grown daughters... What's to miss?

You have your whole life ahead of you. As for what to tell him about the divorce - just tell him that it's still on. That's all.

I'd like to warn you about him trying to hoover you back in. He will try to convince you that you should stay. He will try love- bombing you. If this happens,read over your posts here to refresh your memory about what he is really like. Do you have a friend who can talk some sense into you if you feel tempted? If not, please come here and ask for help before you take any steps or make any decisions. We're here for you.

The thing about the blame and

The thing about the blame and what he thinks... I think over time you'll come to realize that it doesn't matter what he thinks... If he thinks it's your fault or not or that you did everything wrong or were unstable. I know it's easy for a stranger to tell you on the internet.... However it doesn't matter at all what he thinks.

Go through with the divorce. Try not to worry about how he feels or what he thinks about anything. Even if you were perfect... He would place blame and be mad. I feel like if he were to try to place much blame or whine to you about things you did it would be a manipulation attempt to try to make you feel bad.. Gaslighting etc. Have you looked up the term DARVO? YOU are the victim in all this mess! Look at what he did to you. Physically harming you.

This man is abusive and treated you very horribly throughout your relationship. I hope that you have the strength to get that divorce and leave him. We are all here to support you.

Once you have your freedom

Once you have your freedom the only thing you need to show is your backside as you get on with living your best life. Never foreget that living your best life is also the best revenge.

You owe him nothing, ne means nothing. He has shown you that. This is not you, it is him and it is the two of you together that is a trainwreck and waste of your life.

Don't do that anymore.

Live really is one day at a time. Make each day better and life unfolds to a far better future. Invest in you every day.

Take care.

You just tell

him that you've decided to go ahead with the divorce. No explanation, no justification, no anything other than "I've decided to go ahead with the divorce. The hearing is still scheduled for blah, blah, blah.." If he wants to know why you tell him this relationship isn't healthy for you.

Others have suggested that you seek out therapy to help you through this difficult period of your life. I agree. Therapy will make you feel stronger and more sure of yourself.

Until then, you have StepTalk.

Thank you all! I wish I could

Thank you all! I wish I could hug you or pay you somehow for all of the advice and support!

My heart is telling me though because of all that I said Saturday, I feel like that was messing with his head. It WAS messing with his head because he walked away thinking she's not divorcing, and said she wants to give it a year and see how things progress.

NOW I'm saying again..nope, changed my mind again.

For my own personal sanity and so I don't feel bad and like I look like a crazy flip flopper is there anything at all other than just "I'm doing it anyway"?

Anything at all to help me feel better about it too?

Yes.

You made a mistake that is not that uncommon as a court date gets closer.

And now you're doing what you know is right. For you.

It's as simple as that. No long winded justification, no explanations, no acceptance of blame. Just you, moving forward in your life, so that you can escape this madhouse that is your marriage.

I agree I would not elaborate

I agree I would not elaborate and I would keep your wording to him as plain and simple as possible.

"what happened was a mistake and I am moving forward with the divorce. All communication will be through my lawyer".

Broken Record Technique

Don't debate the manipulator. Just keep repeating the same statement. You do not owe him any other explanation.

You got this!

Thank you all! I have been

Thank you all! I have been listening to many narcissist videos and I'm starting to wonder if I'm the narcissist.

I have filed for divorce (4 times now), then wanted to work it out again, then told him I wanted to and we could give it time, getting his hopes up, to doing this again when I'm not getting treated right or he's not doing what I want, discarding, devaluing and then back again.

I ALSO used to get super annoyed with the girls would come over and try to get him to change plans. Narcissists try to keep their "supply" away from family, etc.

I don't know if that was cause I'm a narcissist or because I hated the way I felt when they were around not being first as the wife, etc. Not all of the attention was on me, etc.

I just listened to a video and it clicked. Maybe I'M the narcissist?

Any thoughts on this? Now I feel even more guilty. Cause I've shown signs, I guess.

A narcissist wouldn't agonize

A narcissist wouldn't agonize over whether or not they were a narcissist.

Advocating

for yourself, setting boundaries, just having feelings does not make you a narcissist.

A narcissist NEVER sees themself as the cause of a problem. That's all you're doing, and have done, for years now.

You are not a narcissist. And you desperately need to seek out a therapist, like right now.

Confused feelings. I even

Confused feelings. I even future fake. Saying a few times now when I get scared let's move together in a year maybe if it works out, etc.

Isn't that future faking and narcissistic?

I'm looking for a good therapist.

My take from this blog post

My take from this blog post (not your whole life and I'm in no way qualified to categorize, so get a spoonful of salt ready) is that you and your ex might have been in a co-dependent relationship.

The internet suggested this when I searched narcissism vs codepenancy:

The key difference between a codependent and a narcissist in a relationship is that narcissists prioritize their own needs and seek excessive admiration, while codependents prioritize others' needs over their own well-being, often enabling their partner's negative behaviors.

https://www.judgeanthony.com/blog/narcissist-vs-codependent#:~:text=The%....

And codependents gravitate

And codependents gravitate toward alcoholics and addicts. Both try to control others' behavior, but narcissists come from a place of wanting to aggrandize themselves, while codependents do it because the other person is doing things they find intolerable (drinking/drugs/cheating) and they want to save the relationship at all costs, even if the cost is their own sanity. The narcissist prioritizes himself while the codependent prioritizes the relationship. I think a lot of us on this site are codependents. We keep trying to fix things we find intolerable in order to keep the relationship going, when a more mentally healthy person would have realized it's time to cut bait and move on.

This is

so spot on.

So do we seek out relationships where our codependent nature can flourish or does the relationship create the codependency?

I think some people do seek

I think some people do seek out relationships where they feel most "needed." Some people gravitate toward the caretaker role. A lot of people who work in healthcare are like that.

Dear Lady,

It hurts my heart to read how you are punishing yourself for a temporary lapse in judgement! According to ‘Women Against Abuse’, leaving is a process.

Survivors may leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusive partner. In fact, research shows that it can take approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.

You might just backslide another time or two before you finally escape. The point is, you are taking important steps to free yourself. In a previous post, I wrote:

When he discovers that he’s losing control of his ‘property’, he’ll do his best to reel you back in so that he can continue to abuse you.

At that time, you disagreed, since your ex had not yet made an attempt to contact you. However, before long, he managed to accost you in a devious and deceptive way. Hon, both StepUltimate and I are familiar with the tactics of the abusive narcissist and know what we’re talking about.

You’ve written, I feel bad and regretful and ashamed of myself. Don’t! Just DON’T! You’ve been fighting the good fight and are so close to freeing yourself. If you start beating yourself up for weakening, rather than congratulating yourself for being so strong during the last months, you’ll lose valuable ground.

You’ve mentioned the many good times that you’ve enjoyed in your relationship with your soon-to-be- ex and, like any addiction to what harms us, the good times have overpowered your common sense. I’ve been there and done that; leaving my first husband, the abusive psychopath, was a lengthy, epic struggle. Without the help of a dedicated psychiatrist (free, here in Canada), I would never have escaped with my life.

As I wrote in an earlier post, it’s imperative that you seek the guidance of a therapist, particularly since your own mother is poisoning your ear with her misguided advice. If she were aware of the physical abuse that you’ve suffered from your soon-to-be ex-husband, I’ll bet the farm that she’d be urging you to leave, rather than advocating the ridiculous suggestion of giving the man another year to torment you.

Hon, we are here for you. Yes, you’ve taken a few steps backwards, but I’m convinced that you’ll be able to toughen up and save yourself. Please trust that we are all here for you and care about what happens to you. Many, many (((((HUGS))))) coming your way!

Oh my heart. Your words have

Oh my heart. Your words have brought me to tears.

I am trying to give myself grace but I feel so stuck in this mindset.

I did it again yesterday. I have no friends and I wanted to go to a concert so badly. He has always been my concert companion and we went to a concert last night. Had a good time. I paid for everything but...

NOW I feel like we had a great time again and what if this continues? It gave me a glimmer of hope BUT at the same token I drank last night and I messed up there again too.

So we hung out and spent time and he's thinking things are as is so I screwed up there cause I led him on (I think).

I feel like I'm the narcissist. Like I'm playing games because I keep going back and forth.

I am looking for a good trauma therapist. Unfortunately, here in the US they aren't free.

When you talk about the physical abuse. I still shouldn't be with him even though it happened years ago, right?

I just don't know what to do now.

I do have my foot out the door.

BUT can you please tell me what I tell him now? After hanging out again. The divorce will be finalized on Monday.

I feel so bad. Just need to know what to tell him.

Abuse is abuse, full stop. It

Abuse is abuse, full stop. There is NO excuse. It doesn't matter when, how, where. He is abusive. You are doing the right thing to finalize the divorce. It doesn't matter if you have went out with him. You are allowed to change your mind about this. As far as what to tell him, the simpler the better and if he wants to talk more or discuss you say, listen, sorry I don't have anything more to say. And you hang up. Don't discuss it in person. The less contact the better if you are leaving him. If your strength is wavering and lessening go back and read your post. The replies. Grannyds words. You can do this and we are here for you

You can always say, in sorry

You can always say, in sorry if I have been unclear about things with you, however I am leaving and our relationship is now over. I wish you all the best moving forward.

If he replies you say, sorry I don't have anything else to say.

Let the process server send the message when serving the papers.

You can end it and keep it a frienemies with benefits situation until you find your spine enough to never re-engage. Though I advise that you stop torturning yourself and just end it cold turkey.

My XW wanted us to date and be lovers after the divorce. Nope, I was not going to dip my wick in that toxic insanity ever again. Not even a little bit. I did keep regular interface as we progressed through the divorce. We went to lunch fairly regularly to discuss next steps, property alignment, and I even helped her shop for a car. What ended the regular interface was when she dropped "You have 2 cars, I have one, you owe me a car." I replied with "When we married I had 4 cars, now I only have two. You owe me two cars." She lost her mind and left the dealership screaming. That was it except for meetings in lawyer conference rooms and the final divorce hearing.

I hear you. That abuse is

I hear you. That abuse is abuse.

I feel like I have been abusive as well. Definitely emotionally.

And aren't I by going back and forth so much and messing with his head?

I also, honestly, not don't even remember why I got here again in the first place.

Like why I filed for divorce again...

Is that crazy?

Like am I divorcing him for the physical abuse in the past?

It's almost like I need him to upset me about something again for it to be justified now in my mind.

Or I really can't think straight right now.

Does any of this make sense?

The thing is.. You don't stay

The thing is.. You don't stay in a relationship just because you feel bad about something that happened. I think that you should look at your entire relationship with him, on the whole, and analyze what he did. Not things that you did...

How he treated you what kind of things did he do. When you had issues arise... Was he there for you? Was he good to you? Did he think about your feelings? Your needs? Your wants?

In the end it is YOUR decision and you make the call. I strongly urge you to read over all of your posts and really think about things. I think that deep down you know the answer.

Can you elaborate a bit more

Can you elaborate a bit more on this " You don't stay in a relationship just because you feel bad about something that happened"

he has done a lot for me over the years. It hasn't always been bad. So yea, at times.

But I'm saying do I divorce when things seem ok?

or am I telling him divorcing cause all he's done to me in the past?

Every time you see him he

Every time you see him he makes you drink, even when you hate that. He's playing the good guy while intoxicating you - you know that you can refuse and ask for a soda, don't you? He's also on his best behaviour with you because he's hoovering you back in, don't be duped, it's still manipulation.

The alcohol is his way of manipulating you. Is that what you want?

I agree and think he's trying

I agree and think he's trying to manipulate you as well... To place doubt in your head and also to try to get you to not leave through games and smoke shows.

Whatever your reasons are for

Whatever your reasons are for wanting to leave... You do not have to tell him. He doesn't need to know. It doesn't matter. If you want to leave you should leave.

What I meant was don't hold on to him on a false hope or false promise or because you feel bad about leading him on.. Those are not reasons to stay. From my outsider perspective I don't personally think he'll change now.. I think he's who he always been. In the end you have to do what you want to do.

All he needs know is that you

All he needs know is that you have decided to divorce and do not allow him to try to reason. Honestly, you need acounsellor/ psychiatrist/ psychologist in your corner otherwise he is going to drag you back down into his depths. Please save yourself. .. while you still can.

Re-read all of your posts and

Re-read all of your posts and past blogs. This is a toxic relationship. Together you are toxic though from what you have shared he is the primary source of the toxic. He won't commit to you in an actual marriage home. He is worshipping his failed family issue and using you as his beck and call booty call and emotional pressure relief valve. All indications are that you are his property not his partner. Basically he is leaving money on your nightstand rather than making a life together with you.

Life is so much better than what you are damning yourself to with this tragic coupling. You know it. So, make your choice. Be miserable, or move on.

It is just that simple IMHO.

KISS

Well, I choose to drink. It

Well, I choose to drink. It's just something we've always done together when having good times so I guess it's a "habit" with him?

I suggested it the last time. Not him. He even said "I don't want you to drink just cause you're with me everytime".

So that's what I mean..I'm toxic to him as well. So, I feel bad.

I'm in an extreme state of anxiety and panic right now. Knowing that Monday is coming up.

Haven't even told him yet.

I'm crying so bad. I hope I have the strength to do this.

Don't tell him.

Let the process server tell him.

Make it as easy on yourself as you can. You know any contact with him ends up in drunk sex followed by second guessing. So don't do that.

Thank you all. I'm working

Thank you all. I'm working on making this as easy as I can.

The hearing is set for Monday. The witness is scheduled to partake as well. So, I'm moving forward with this.

Today I feel kind of numb but also afraid if that makes sense.

But it's going to happen. He still doesn't know it though. I haven't had the courage to bring it up.

Even when right divorce is

Even when right divorce is hard, it is emotional, it is frightening. Even when staying is terrifying, divorce is frightening. IMHO what isn't frightening is a future that starts a new life adventure. THough the feels of that can be interpreted as frightening, what that is is excitement.

I was in an untennable marriage fortunately for only 30mos from wedding to final divorce hearing.

I was so defeated when we started marriage therapy. When my XW walked out of her final couples session and basically out of the marriage I was a different man than when we walked into our first session 8mos before. By the time I had my final personal therapy session 5mos after my then not yet XW walked out I was already launching into my best life even several months before the divorce was final.

You owe yourself this. You owe him nothing. Don't expose yourself to the drama and feels of telling him, let him be served following the hearing and give yourself some foundation time to be ready for any backlash. Which... you can control much of by blocking him. Have him interface with your lawyer on the house or whatever is left to deal with while you focus on you, your best life, and living every day and the future to the fullest rather than settling, engaging with an abuser, and letting a narc non resident supposed husband ply his incubus life and happiness sucking crap on you. You cannot settle with your life. You have to do it up to the fullest now. Happy has to be lifed now while facing a future of happy as well.

Do that, you owe that to yourself. Neither now nor the future can be happy in the status quo.

Congratulations on your evolving clarity and investment in YOU!!!

PS

In addition, I urge you to NOT give up anything that is rightfully yours in the divorce nor make any concessions to him to "try to be nice to him". That would be an utterly pointless gesture. What's yours is yours, don't settle for less!

What Winterglow said.

Thank you all! This is an

Thank you all! This is an uncontested divorce that I filed myself very easily. We have no children together, no assets (bank account, home, car, etc.)

The only thing I asked for was my maiden last name back.

He doesn't have any money in 401k and he never named me as his beneficiary for 401k and life insurance anyway. Which I just found out and hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I'm thinking of sending him an email to let him know that this is happening and why it's happening.

Thoughts?

Don't do it. You owe him

Don't do it. You owe him nothing. However, you should tell your lawyer that you are not named as his 401k beneficiary and ask about his SS retirement that you legally have a share of for your married years. Does he have life insurance?

Right now, your lawyer is your best friend.

You need to be

honest with yourself here. Are you hoping he might try and stop you from going through with it? If so, you will be sabotaging yourself.

If it's just because you need to say it to him then wait until the hearing is concluded and it can't be undone.

I'm definitely team .... Don't tell him!!!

No prior notice of any kind. Just do it. In fact, he never has to know if the court does not notify him. At most I would tell him after the fact some time later to give yourself some time and distance from the date of the divorce decree.

My XW and I did an uncontested single attorney divorce (Initially it was uncontested, and eventually it returned to uncontested and was single attorney). The attorney attempted to get me to not attend the divorce hearing. Nope, that for sure did not pass the smell test so I was in the court room. I was in the gallery and not at either counsel table. The judge, reporter, the balif, XW, me, and the attorney were the only people there.

When the Judge entered he asked if the other party was present, I raised my hand. He called me forward for the remainder of the hearing. It is good that I was there as I have little doubt that things would have been far different if I had heeded the lawyer's request to not attend.

We had agreed to asset and property distribution before the hearing though we did not include the house in that agreement. Like you, she also wanted the return of her maiden name. Fine with me, she was a cheating ^$())(&^$ and I did not want my name anywhere near her after the divorce. She was snarky in court and to the Judge so after he shredded her a bit he did order the return of her mainden name, then closed by ordering "Property divided as previously agreed all other property divided as possessed." She had moved out of the house. So... it was mine. I possessed it, not her.

That came into play to my significant advantage 4yrs later when the house was sold. I got that money. I am sure the Judge put that verbiage in the order specifically due to her toxic crap in court that last day we were married.

If your STBXH has no claim on anything in your life, then go with the no notice model and get on with living your best life and pursuing that adventure.

I applaud your courage in ... tomorrow.

I filed pro se without an

I filed pro se without an attorney. The hearing is tomorrow.

I think because we've been only married 7 years I don't get that yet. Has to be married 10 from what I understand.

The hearing is set and I'll be divorced tomorrow.

Dollbabies I'll wait until after the hearing

Please know that you will be

Please know that you will be going in there with ALLof us behind you. You deserve a life that belongs to you. We're rooting for you.

THANK YOU!!

I feel really bad not telling him now.

He has NO idea. He just texted our group chat some photos of his gardening, etc.

So I don't feel right that he won't know until after the hearing.

He won't be attending BTW.

Has he

reached out to you since your last rendezvous? When was the last time he did something/anything to make you feel better and/or improve your relationship? The impression I've gotten from your posts is that he drops by on occasion and you guys hook up and then he leaves until the next time. It doesn't sound like he's that much invested in your relationship. So why does he deserve a heads up if it's you doing all the work in your relationship?

Yes, he has. We went to a

Yes, he has. We went to a concert together a few nights ago.

He reaches out constantly. Just called and left a voicemail to go eat.

It's only only booty calls or anything like that. He asked me to move back in with him in May.

BUT he hasn't done anything in terms of saying anything towards reconciliation, etc. Or done anything else in that sense.

So, I don't know if that answers you or not. Or does that change what I'm doing?

Then the weekend before last after I broke no contact for a month or so, that's when he came over and we had a day at the pool, etc. with his daughters and I said I wanted to work through it, etc.

It's a few posts up. Just reminding you. This is why I feel bad not saying anything.

Thanks!

We have been living separated but have still been a couple this last five years living apart.

He has not done the work to

He has not done the work to be an actual husband. He invited you to move back in in May because he senses that the end is nigh.

I applaud you both for the end being without rancor. It is far better that it expires with a small puff of smoke than with a raging explosion. Even if that is in part due to his willful cluelessness.

A couple does not make a life together... apart. That alone indicates that you have not been a couple for at least 5yrs. If you want to remain in the group text, fine. But... be wary that remaining in any form of regular contact or receiving updates about him is risky to your wellbeing and living your best life.

My XW and I have been divorced 34 years. The last update I saw on her was when I was doing research for my parent's 50th anniversary 12 years ago. When I Shmoogled my mom and dad a link popped up to my XW. A couple of clicks and some insane stuff started pouring out of that rathole. Two more divorces, felony convictions for my XMIL, etc, etc, etc....

I do not go looking but when an old joint friend brings something up, I certainly listen.

Get on with you. Deep breaths, engage your inner calm.

All IMHO of course.

Okay, I

kinda get it. I think. He knew you were filing for a divorce but then you told him you weren't. And he doesn't know you've changed your mind and are going through with it after all. And that's why you're feeling you should let him know you are going through with it.

What do you think his reaction would be if he knew before vs after?

That's exactly it. You

That's exactly it. You explained it way better! Yes, he doesn't know I'm going through it afterall after me telling him I wasn't last weekend again.

That's why I feel bad for not telling him before.

At this point, I guess it doesn't matter since it's only a few hours away.

Is that wrong? I feel like a bad person for approaching it this way.

I know I would not that done to me.

If you tell him he will try

If you tell him he will try to coerce you convince you not to. He may also get very angry and your have to deal with that.... Or he may try to guilt you...

To avoid this.... You should NOT tell him in advance

I know you feel bad however believe me when I say nothing good will come of it if you tell him in advance. Spare yourself the drama. He is not going to take it great or be mature...

Good luck with everything

Could he

do anything if he had known of this before the hearing? Like contest it or anything?

Yes he could have but he didn

Yes he could have but he didn't. He didn't even go to pickup the notice served at the post office.

When he asked if he had to call in I said "only if you want to contest it"

And he joked and said "oh yah I'm going to call in say I CONTEST this divorce" and started laughing.

I hate that he behaved like

I hate that he behaved like such an ARSE to you, at least you now know that he was using you and that he really doesn't deserve you. The world is your oyster now that you have shed his useless weight. Go live your life!

You will be better off

You will be better off ignoring him until it's final. You can do this. We are all supporting you. Stay strong. You'll be free soon.

Hello all! It's official. My

Hello all! It's official. My divorce is finalized. I DID IT!

What a bittersweet feeling. I'm crying because I'm feeling heartbroken, scared but also relieved in a sense.

I just sent him a quick text telling him that I proceeded with the divorce hearing today and to check his email that I sent him a letter there. I know it's not advised but I have to do it for myself and my closure.

Thank you all for your support here. I'm so thankful for all of you and I'm sending you all of my love and the biggest hug!

Glad to hear.!.So sorry you

Glad to hear.!.So sorry you've been through what you have however I am so relieved for you at the same time. And proud that you have done it. Please keep reaching out on the site in the coming days if you require support.

Also glad that he didn't contest. I think sending a email for closure might be good. However I would probably block him afterwards so you don't get complicated feelings. I am happy for you. It was hard but necessary. You are amazing and I know you have a great life ahead. ❤️

Congratulations! You are now

Congratulations! You are now officially FREE. You got you life back. Never forget that he didn't contest... Now go and block his number and address so that he can't sully your life any more. He made it clear that you were just a booty call to him, don't lower yourself to being his go-to for sex. Close the door on his manipulation and live your new life as a free woman. So proud of you!

Nothing wrong

with a final note for closure. Sometimes we just need to say something for it to be completely final in our mind and heart.

I emailed my ex the day before he was to marry his affair partner, wishing him good luck, long life and blah blah blah.

He emailed back saying "everything could have been different if I had been this nice to him while we were married." So I emailed him back, saying "I take it back."

He always was an idiot.

Thank you all. He's upset.

Thank you all. He's upset. I sent the letter by email and then followed up with a text.

I said " don't want to add to your stress and it might not, but I proceeded with the divorce today. I'm sorry. I sent you a letter in email. It's from my heart. Please read it."

His text response was "do you still have covid"

He then called and asked if he could pick up his sunglasses. I told him I had a call and then asked him if he had anything to say. Then I said "you don't really care do you?"

He said well you would go to the concert, avoid me for 5 days then divorce me.

I said what do you mean?

He said just what I said.

I said are you saying I divorced you cause of that.

Then he said no. I’m driving and hung up.

Then pulled up and was beeping horn so loud and texted me to open the car door. I didn’t get to it right away and then he sped off. I texted and said it was open and he came back and was beeping again like crazy. Slammed the hell out of his door and grabbed the glasses and sped off.

He's upset.

This is why I feel bad. Because we just had that conversation that I'm going to call off the divorce, went to that concert together and then boom. SURPRISE.

I just feel bad. Being honest.

For the past 5 years he has

For the past 5 years he has lived with his adult daughter and not you, correct? I mean, come on. You did what had to be done. The speeding off is alarming given his 6 DUIs, also.

He has lived alone and I have

He has lived alone and I have lived alone with his daughters visiting here and there. She moved in for 6 months a year ago, then ran away and now is back.

Speeding off? Oh...I hear you. Like anger outburst?

I mean, I kind of understand because he feels led on. I bet. That's why I feel so bad.

I would stay away from him

I would stay away from him and do NOT get into the car with him. I feel like he's not safe

This is pure manipulation,

This is pure manipulation, he's pissed because you actually did something without his permission. He's just found out that he doesn't control you, you are your own woman. Please don't get sucked back in. I am proud of you and I'm sure I'm not alone!

Thank you. I think he's hurt

Thank you. I think he's hurt too but my daughter said something similar that "he’s angry because YOU FINALLY showed him that you were not going to put up with his shit anymore"

But yes, I think it's a mix. He's mad and also hurt.

I feel like I did play with his head with my back and forth. But I have to remember it was a time of high emotions. I said I wanted to withdraw the divorce while we were drinking and out of fear, etc.

I truly feel like I'm in a fog. Such a roller coaster of feelings.

Try and

give this some time to settle if you're having doubts if you did the right thing. I have a tendency to forget that whatever god awful thing I'm feeling at this very moment isn't how I'm going to feel in a month or even a couple days from now. And to escape the bad feelings my mantra is any action is better than no action, which has caused me to make some really stupid decisions and do really stupid things. I try to hold onto "this, too, shall pass" but it isn't always easy.

So please be smarter than me and just try to hold on for a few days. Because it will get better. I promise.

Use your brain, not your fee fees.

Time to celebrate and live a light filled present and future free of his violent, abusive, infantile, failed family bullshit.

Your DD, is brilliant. Listen to her.

"out of fear"

Think about that. If you have a good partner, you have no need to fear them. This person controlled you through fear, that's why you feel so bad about your divorce. You want to please him because you fear how he might react. He has destroyed your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and your self-worth.

Please block him on all media and if he has a key to your place change the locks. You are now free,to take your life back. Go for it!

He is upset. Boo hoo. So F-n what?

His baby door slammy speed off, speed back, expect you to be instantly at his beck and call bullshit is exactly the kind of infantile crap you have no doubt dealt with for years.

Please take this as the untimate absolute proof of his complete lack or worthiness. He beat you, he has 6DUIs, he is a petulent failed man, failed partner, failed parent, failed adult. He is dangourous. I would follow the divorce with an RO/PO to up the ante on keeping him the hell out of your life and to reduce the risk of violence that has proven he will resort to.

Enough is enough.

Now, who are you calling tonight for a dinner date and maybe a nightcap? That is what I did the evening of the day my XW moved out. By the time the divorce was final 4mos later, I had been dating actively, mountain biking, hosting parties at the house, then ultimately leased it and moved into an apartment near down town Austin.

Enjoy!

Thank you! I appreciate the

Thank you! I appreciate the directness of what he's done. I need to address it that way cause it makes me realize the severity.

You're right. ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

The divorce is final. If you

The divorce is final. If you have any of his things, give him a time/date to retrieve them or they will be pitched. Then Block him.

And have the Police there as

And have the Police there as an exclamation point to his violent crap. Send him packing under a badge wearing spotlight with his tail tucked between his legs yelping down the road crying behind his oh so important sunglasses.

Congratulations your future

Congratulations your future starts here. I'm sure it will be a much more peaceful one. You deserve that.

Stop blaming yourself. It is his fault that he wasn't aware of the court proceedings and didn't contest the divorce (even before your recent reconcilliation). Anyone who takes someone else's word for updates on official proceedings and doesn't confirm them theirselves or get their attorney involved is a fool.

Thanks! He was aware but didn

Thanks! He was aware but didn't do anything because I told him I was withdrawing it.

To be honest though, I don't think he would have anyway. With how he responded when I told him he could call in to contest it and he made a joke saying "oh yah, like I'm going to call and say I CONTEST this" and laughed.

When his daughters got moved to another state, he didn't even contact a lawyer to make sure that his visitation and child support got updated.

The ex drummed up papers and he met her to get the form notarized pretty much signed away and saying she could do whatever she wants (knowing she wouldn't abide to what she said) and just signed away.

Guess what? She didn't. The girls never came when they were supposed to NOR did she use the child support money she said she would in the notice to fly them here.

So he was paying child support AND for them to fly here WHEN she said they could visit.

So I don't know what his deal is with court stuff. He's a toxic positive person and it's a bit too much.

I am feeling ok all. You're

Hi all - Just checking in. Feeling SO relieved and like I can breathe a little better today!

One thing I'm struggling with today though is the guilt I feel of my daughter being around this. Since she was 16. His daughters were at least younger when we were going through things.

I picked this sham of a toxic relationship/marriage over my daughter and her comfort for this loser. I don't know how to forgive myself for this.

They got along well but she knows he cheated on me once and was really upset that I let him move in with us anyway. She didnt't want to be home so stayed with my mom for a few weeks. Again, I let her.

Not because I wanted to but because I was so fearful of losing him and I didn't know how to make everyone happy. I didn't want her to be uncomfortable either.

One night we were coming home. We were arguing in the car and he pushed me out of the car in the parking lot. I didn't realize she was out in the parking lot just getting home and she came and picked me up off the ground. She said she didn't see anything. I believe she did though.

Typing this out right now, I feel horrified. Like the worst mom ever. How can I do that? She was 18 and should have never seen her mom going through that ON TOP of seeing her mom move on to marry him.

I have apologized for all of this to her but I'm dealing with my guilt and shame right now.

And anxiety knowing that I did this.

His daughters never saw anything like this. They never saw anything bad and they were younger.

But my poor daughter. My heart hurts right now. I get she's 30 but she's seen a lot. She knows alot.

I hope that her seeing me finally be done and divorced will set some sort of tone in redemption.

Along with my apology to her for feeling/being a failure of a mother.

Gosh, I have so many emotions now. Sorry, I'm venting.

Any advice on how to move forward from the guilt that I carry now? I always have but now more than ever.

I think that today is day one

I think that today is day one in starting your new life. I think counselling might help you work through your feelings. Please know you did the right thing, here and now. Leaving him ❤️

Does your daughter know about your divorce? Maybe you an have a nice lunch with her and tell her she means the world to you.

THANK YOU! She does.

She was my witness. She's very happy that I divorced him.

We have a wonderful relationship and she knows that she means the world to me. I tell her everyday.

Good to purge

and feel your way through it.

You WILL come out the other side a better person.

Thank you! What does purge

Thank you! What does purge mean?

It means getting rid of

It means getting rid of everything that is toxic to your health, your existence.

Its very cleansing - and venting here is part of that process

What is the meaning of purge?

to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify. to rid, clear, or free (usually followed by of or from): to purge a political party of disloyal members. to clear of imputed guilt or ritual uncleanliness.

Ok, stop shopping through the past for things to beat yourself

Ok, stop shopping through the past for things to beat yourself up and feel guilty about. The past is the past. Your DD came out fine. She is the sole source of maturity and wisdom IRL for you.

If you must, appologize to her, then embrace that this pestulent way too long should have been over long ago travesty is now over.

Yes, parents make mistakes, but failed mothers do not raise confident wise young women like the one you have raised.

Do some homework and re-read evey comment you have posted in this long self depricating journey. Recognize that you are addicted to guilt, dama, and your never ending sense of failure, then..... Get out of your own way.

At some point you have to choose to be tired of undermining yourself and just stop doing that.

You owe yourself and your daughter that. If you do not, at some point she and others who support you will disconnect. Don't do that to them, or to yourself. Stop being the proverbial black hole that sucks the joy out of your own life and the lives of others. You have such a great opportunity to take a do-over after this nightmare. So take the do-over and make the absolute most of it.

Time to live well for yourself which is what others want for you. No doubt including your DD.

Hello all! I hope you're

Hello all! I hope you're doing well.

Just checking in for some help in staying logical. Surprise surprise!

After his anger outburst he texted two days later and asked if I wanted company? I told him no and to have a nice 4th of July with his daughters.

Then the day after the 4th he texted "Hi. What are you doing?"

I didn't respond. This was 5 days ago.

I haven't heard from him since and he said not ONE thing about the closure email I sent him. I asked him if he got it via text and he said "yes. and that was it.

Now, I'm not going to share the whole email here but it was long and heartfelt and I'm hurt that he didn't even say anything about it.

So his whole response to the divorce was when I texted him to let him know I moved forward with it, he said "Do you still have covid"

Then the next thing was his angry outburst and weird words that made no sense that I mentioned above.

Then I sent the email.

He texted me two days later asking me if I wanted company. I asked him if he got the email. He said "yes" and then I told him no thanks and to have a good holiday.

Then he texted "Hi. what are you doing?"

So in a sense I'm sad because how does a man I've been with for 15 years (married for 7) not say anything serious about the divorce? Not respond to the beautiful heartfelt email?

Just text and say those things? I guess he maybe would have talked if he did stop over but I doubt it and IF he wanted to talk I would expect to hear that from him somehow BEFORE asking to come over.

I guess I'm turned off at this behavior as well.

But it sure makes me feel like it isn't a big deal to him. And it's very hurtful.

Just checking in to hear your thoughts on if this is really crappy of him and if I should even worry about it anymore. I know I shouldn't but I'm just shocked. Even though I shouldn't be.

Please-help. Please help yourself and stop casting to hook

this guy back into your life.

When people show you who they are, believe them. He has used you for a decade and a half and you are tossing a rope with a great white shark sized trebble hook to snag him. Why?

What is completely without logic is you still doing whatever you can to sniff this guys ass. STOP THAT!

The only remotely similar experience I have had was my XW. She was a serial cheater. She got nasty during the divorce, and the whole time she would drop comments like "Once the divorce is final we can date." When you are back in town for business, we can be lovers."

As we walked out of the court room following the Judge issuing the Divorce Decree the entire walk was silent. I held the door for her. We walked out and at the curb she stopped and I stepped off of curb and kept going. As she stopped she placed her hand on my shoulder, I just kept going. She was standing on the curb behind me cryiing.

I got into my truck, pulled out of the parking lot turning in front of her still standing on the sidewalk crying. I was done. I did not see her again for 10 years. She was at a restaurant with her F-buddy grandpa sugar baby daddy and their two boys. She looked like hammered dogshit. It was sad. I had married a beautiful college athelete. Sadly one without character or substance which took me a couple of years to recognize. 10 years later she was on the edge of a second divorce and I was 6 years into a wonderful marriage to an incredible woman.

As I said, what makes no sense and is completely illogical is why you are trolling to get this guy to engage with you. You just divorced him. Which was long overdue and exactly the right thing to do and completely logical.

Get out of your own way and move on. Do not give this guy another 15yrs of your life by trying to troll to figure out what his fee fees are.

Stop texting him, block him anyway and everyway possible. Do not make eyecontact if you pass each other driving, or end up at a restaurant, or, or, or, or, or.

IMHO it is NOT crappy of him. Though it certainly borders on crappy of you to keep trying to suck him back in as part of some grieving effort on your part. You are a decade+ down the grieving process so stop trying to reset and go through it all again. Start at today and move past this.

You have such an amazing opportunity to enbrace a life of adventure, calm, and to eventually find a love for the ages. So do it! This one is over, done, and was not it. He was not THE one. And as difficult as it is to recognize, neither were you. At this stage, why does not matter.

Get on with your life. Be good to you.

A late thought..... You are showing him that he owns you. He is showing you that you do not own him. Keep that in mind.

I would take his words (or

I would take his words (or non words) as being a good thing. It's a blessing in disguise. Had he responded with a heartfelt sentiment you would also be here now debating the divorce. He would have pulled on your heart strings and then you would doubt it all.... You need to stay the course here. Your goal is the divorce. It doesn't matter if he has feelings. It helps to reframe it as what is your ultimate goal here? You are forging a new path in life without this man who was hurtful to you all these years. He didnt treat you well. Remember that he was not good to you or good for you.

I recommend blocking him on text and email so he doesn't have the opportunity to try to lure you to go back out with him or have a relationship.

He is showing you his true

He is showing you his true colours but you have only just started to see them. This is who he is. Believe it. Know that if he had stopped over, his only interest would have been sex. How does that make you feel?

Please cut off all means of him communicating with you, phone, email, social media and take your life back. Stop caring what he thinks because he is no longer of any importance in your life.

You are worth so much more than this...

Thank you all! You're right.

Thank you all! You're right. You're SO right.

I know this but I'm just hurt because I feel like I was so easy to let go of. Of course that makes me question myself and how much he could care less to be rid of me.

But, I know and yes, I'm giving him too much control.

I DID go out over the weekend and had a great time.

I also got the nicest compliment at the Social Security office today when I went to get my last name changed back to my maiden (yay!)

The guy as he was looking at my application and divorce decree said "wow, what a fool that man is" and we started laughing and then he said "you should be on a television show.

He also said "I like your maiden name MUCH better" which I agree. It's a beautiful last name.

It was so random and nice and we just had a really nice convo while getting my name updated.

But anyway, I'm doing ok. Very up and down but better than I thought I would.

Just shocked that someone can really have NO words to this kind of thing, etc.

Yae!

Good for you, taking action to restore your last name. Keep taking those "Next Right Actions" and you will get past this. Including the Oh So Critical action of:

BLOCKITY BLOCK BLOCK!

Re-read everything Rags wrote immediately above. And here's a sensory metaphor for you:

Your ex is the dogsh*t you walked in. Wash those shoes and avoid stepping back into the same disguesting sh*t again. Forgive yourself for having stepped in it & letting it stay on your shoes & for tracking it through your house (life!) for so long, and live free. Focus on the free skies of your future, not the shitty ex dogsh*t from your past.

You got this!

Listen to the guy at the SS office!

Know that as every marriage is unique in mahy ways, so is every breakup. What is IMHO a universal truth, is that evey microsecond you spend trying to figure out the why of him, is time you waste and will never get back. That is time lost to positive experiences in your new life.

Like the good time you had going out, and the connection you made with being happy when you were talking with the SS guy.

I learned, yet again, on our just finished amazing 9 day 30th anniversary celebration trip that there are always people poised to detract from any amazing experience. Whether it is an X who has a fungal eruption that interrupts our post breakup amazing life adventure, or ill behaved ill raised spawn of idiot parents who are allowed to pollute the public, or an asshole civil servant who forgets who they are paid by and to serve with their job, etc....

Do not waste any more pf your life and your time on him. Embrace the adventure. Embrace you. Seek your smiles, and laughter, and the special moments that are part of each and every day as you live your best life.

Listen to the guy at the SS office!

Like the good time you had going out, and the connection you made with being happy when you were talking with the SS guy.

Listen to the guy at the SS office!

Like the good time you had going out, and the connection you made with being happy when you were talking with the SS guy.

Thank you all.

Do I really need to block though? He hasn't even tried to reach me or respond to my email other than the other exchanges.

Today I'm struggling and feeling sad and lonely.

Of course though we're not together, I'm worried about him and the girls. Because he ALWAYS reaches out no matter what or where we are status wise.

So I still worry.

And I'm just so sad and heartbroken today.

I just want to feel better and I know I will.

Thank you all for your support. It means more than you know.

YES!

You absolutely DO need to block him. What would be the point in NOT blocking him? Do you want him to be able to call you next time he feels like getting laid?

He isn't contacting you because he isn't your husband any more. He owes you nothing and you owe him nothing. You are finally free! He and his daughters are no longer your concern. Divorce is final.

Please line up some fun things to do this weekend. Contact a friend or two that you haven't seen in ages. Keep yourself busy and start by blocking him.

100% BLOCK

Block him like yesterday! It will give you much-needed freedom and prevent him from being able to continue to f*ck with your mind, emotions, and energy.

Congratulations on your divorce! It's your time to heal and move on - focus on all the good things in life and stop ruminating about your abusive, manipulative EX-husband.

Develop a plan for how you will interrupt your brain from the ruminating:

Call a friend & ask how they are
Play your fave music & sing along
Get a pedicure & enjoy the massage chair while reading a mazine
Take your daughter to lunch/dinner & listen to her latest
Write on StepTalk to encourage newbies
Clean the dust off the ceiling fan blades
ANYTHING!

I know you're on your way to better things; you've come so far already!

STOP IT!

He is not worthy of being your mate, he did not earn that blessing while he was exploiting you for a decade and half. He no longer should have your shoulder to cry on.

Yes, you block him. Stop being his beck and call girl whether that is sexually, emotionally, or as a target of his anger. Take the access away so you do not have to keep looking to see if he has reached out.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!

You are fighting far harder to engage than you are to deliver yourself a quality life. A quality life should not, can not, and does not include him in any capacity. Just click the buttons and block him. My divorce was a blessing. There was zero down side to it. I got to move on to an amazing life of adventure and a love for the ages. She got what she earned. A hindsight blessing is that it occurred pre social media, pre cell phone so when it was done, it was done other than land line telephone and snail mail. She kept calling me throughout the 4mos of the divorce process and even for a few months after the divorce was final. The last call for about 3.5yrs she called for support over being pregnant by grandpa sugar/baby daddy again (she lost the first one). My brother and I were two States over just starting engineering school when the phone in our apartment rang. As it turned out, we both answered at the same time. XW was calling to ask my advice about what to do about her pregnancy. I calmed her down, gave her son input, and was about to hand up when my brother made some noise on the phone in his room. XW heard and asked if someone else was there. My brother said hello, congratulated her on the baby, then offered a name recommendation. He recommended that she give the kid the middle name of Less. Since the first name had to be FATHER!!!! Then he slammed down the handset in his room. XW burst into sobs. My brother really liked my XW and was in may ways far more betrayed by her serial infidelities even than I was. As odd as that may sound.

The point is, with modern tech, there is zero reason to ever hear anything from him. Why torture yourself that way? Why even allow it to be a possibility?

Stop torturing yourself. Stop giving hin control. Stop resetting the grief cycle, embrace the grief and commit to yourself. He is who and what he is. His kids are his issue to resolve. Not yours.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!

STOP IT!

He is not worthy of being your mate, he did not earn that blessing while he was exploiting you for a decade and half. He no longer should have your shoulder to cry on.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!

The point is, with modern tech, there is zero reason to ever hear anything from him. Why torture yourself that way? Why even allow it to be a possibility?

Stop torturing yourself. Stop giving hin control. Stop resetting the grief cycle, embrace the grief and commit to yourself. He is who and what he is. His kids are his issue to resolve. Not yours.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!

I haven't blocked cause he

I haven't blocked cause he hasn't even tried to contact me.

I did go out last weekend and I did have fun but I also drank.

It's like I was having fun but something was missing and didn't feel right. Like I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong or "moving on" too fast. On top of that, I drank.

Today has been super hard. I had to pull over on the highway because although I had a super strong moment/week it hit me what the reality is and I started panicking and crying hard.

I was feeling free, relieved, strong and like I had the power and now I'm back in a bad funk. I'm heartbroken.

I'm struggling and I feel so darn sad. Like I'm in mourning and yes, I miss him terribly. Just being honest.

NO I haven't talked to him. Haven't heard from him. Which is surprising to me and I just hope he's ok.

It's not like him at all to just stop even at our worst moments so it's almost like I'm feeling like he's happy or has already moved on. It just hurts. Badly.

I can't wait to get to the other side of this.

Thank you for your support.

Therapy

Know that this is written with the best of intentions. Please seek the help of a qualified therapist. (It may take trial and error to find the right one.) It is time for YOU to DO THE WORK! Without doing so you will undoubtedly find yourself in a very similar situation in the future. Work on YOUR issues...we all have them. Why do you ALLOW yourself to be treated this way? Don't know? Find out!

Get to know yourself: What do you want in life? Where do you want to live? Career? Spirituality? Fitness? Health? Passions? Hobbies? Identify relationships you wish to cultivate. Does repair need to happen? If so, do it! Figure this out for YOU. Take time ALONE to craft your personal life plan/goals. Relationships can cloud judgement and detour us from our goals. When you have developed an unshakable sense of self, perhaps then consider a relationship. What are qualities you REQUIRE in a relationship? What are dealbreakers in a relationship?

Treat yourself with LOVE. Be your own best friend and advocate. The rest falls into place.

Thank you! That is the plan.

Thank you! That is the plan. I have an email and a call to two therapists to get the ball rolling on this.

Hey, please_help,

Please, oh PLEASE, Hon, start a fresh blog! Over 200 posts on this one makes it very difficult to scroll through, Thanks! ♥️

Yes you will get more replies

Yes you will get more replies if you start a new topic. I would personally post a blog as they are more easy to delete if you ever want to delete the post ever.

I am glad you havent communicated. One thing to remember is when a breakup is fresh that is when we are most vulnerable and weak. I think that is why a lot of people tend to block their exes. That way they don't know if the person even tries to contact them. Believe me... It's better if you DON'T know. If you don't know anything then you dont have to sit here and wonder things like why he hasn't... Or what his words mean... Or should you do this or do that....

You just let it be and try to focus on other things in your life as hard as it may be some days. You have a new life that awaits. You could call your daughter or do something nice for yourself ♥️

Trudie, that's on helluva pep

Trudie, that's one helluva pep talk: well done!

Thank…

...you!

Hi all! I don't know what

Hi all! I don't know what subject to use as a new topic? Or a blog.

With that said, just a quick update.

I did speak to him over the weekend. It's OK, I don't feel any love for him. I'm looking at him now with pity and I feel sorry for him, and I'm turned off.

Firstly, he stopped over with the younger (17 year old) who I thought was better with the mini wife issues. Turns out she's not. We hung out at my pool cause I felt bad for them and the co-dependent people pleaser couldn't say no.

Can you beleive he ran to the restroom for 15 minutes and when he came back down he got the "DADDDYYYYY where were you?! I missed you SOOOO much" I was mind blown. It's never gonna end. I thought she was better about it.

He was visibly stressed. I knew something was wrong.

Well, turns out that the 17 year old now doesn't want to finish her final senior year of school at her mom's out of state. She said she wants to stay here and finish. I said how can you do that when your father doesn't have custody of you and you are registered to go to school there? She said she can't focus on school there cause she has to babysit her two new baby sisters while her mom doesn't work and just cooks and cleans. NOW, these girls have lied and embellished their living situation to be worse than it is JUST to get their way.

She wants to live here her final year cause their dad coddles them and spends money on them when he cant and caters to them, cooking and cleaning all while they do nothing to help.

SO, I just learned that on top of this, he is two months behind on rent and about to be EVICTED. ALL of this could have been avoided, if he would make the 19 year old get her GED and get a decent job to HELP with rent but no. She is now working only on weekends making $15 under the table cause she CAN'T get a normal job and HELP until then. But no pressure on him for her to do so.

He wants for BOTH of them to live here now and the younger one to somehow get her diploma from here when she can't. This is what happened with the older one last year and now look at her.

On top of that, if the younger one stays here the mom STILL gets his child support payments while the younger 17 year old lives with him and now he can't afford rent nor the extra mouths to feed when it ISN'T NECESSARY.

SO I KNOW that this isn't my fault but why do I feel like it is. Like was I too hard on them and kicked him out when I did and now he's in the deepest hole he's ever been in? Like was I a bad wife and asking for too much? Should I have sucked it up and let them live with us like he wanted EVEN though I was being treated poorly and walking on egg shells in my own home? Was I being too sensistive?

I feel so bad for him. He doesn't look good, etc. and I know he's struggling.

So just here for confirmation that this doesn't fall on me. I have TRIED to help him for YEARS telling him this could have been avoided if he just would have listended to my advice as a caring concerned wife but he allows their manipulation, his pride and daddy guilty issues run him into the ground and into where he is today.

UGH..I wish I didn't have such a big heart. I need to get tough!

PS my plans haven't changed. I'm still moving to MY NEW apartment where I'll be SAVING money.

He won't move somewhere cheaper though. Has to make sure he impresses them.

WHAT a CIRCUS show.

STOP. Just stop yourself.

STOP. Just stop yourself. Imagine a little voice in your head screaming "STOP"

look at what you just learned about his life. look at him suddenly contacting you. do not fall for it again. he wants to hoover you in, make you feel bad for him. What do you get out of it? not a damn good thing.

I'm a bit different than some posters. I'm a bitch. A tired old bitch. But I was you once. My thoughts revolved around "what if he" and "maybe he" and "he called so it must mean he"

and you know what I got out of being an emotional human yo-yo? nothing. nothing but hurt I inflicted on myself by talking to him again. so my advice?

stop poking the bruise. Go sit in on a few AA meetings, not because you are a full blown alocoholic but because you equate fun with alcohol. get that insight.

then get out there. volunteer, join a club, find a church if God's your thing, go meet people. Friend worthy people. fill that spot in your mind that goes back to talking to him.

someday you'll be me, looking back seeing the time you spent what iffing about someone who was toxic to you. poking my emotional bruises over and over with the same damn result.

Imagine him being a dandelion all dried out and worthless to you. then blow and let his waft away.

Great stuff

about the new apartment! Just make sure you don't give him your new address - for me, in a past bad relationship, it gave me peace when I knew he couldn't find me. I wasn't waiting/hoping he'd come by. I knew when I was home I was safe from doing yet another stupid thing. Blocking him was also essential for the same reason. Moving out of the area would have been better but this was a really good second choice.

With these types, Hope-ium is

With these types, Hope-ium is a powerful life destroying drug.

Stop smoking that pipe and engage with clarity. When someone sells you and shows you, repeatedly, who they are. Believe them.

Leave this cesspool of failed family disfunction and get on with living your best life.

Stop serving yourself as sacrifice on the alter of SParental martyrdom to this failed man, failed partner, failed parent, his failed parenting product, and his failed family.

You owe yourself more than that. You owe him and them nothing. They have not earned it and based on past behavior and peformance never will.

You are way too involved with

You are way too involved with them. Stop the cosy get-togethers. You will never be truly free as long as you keep giving him space in your head. THIS is why we all told you to block him completely.

No, none of what is happening is your fault. He's a grown up who makes his own decisions. Now, PLEASE stop worrying about him. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

PS - he's gearing up to asking you to let them move in with you. Beggars can't be choosers.

THANK YOU!! I love the

THANK YOU!! I love the directness! Believe me!

I just can't help but to wonder IF I didn't do this, would have maybe been better, etc. Am I an evil watch for watching someone go through this, etc.

He won't ask to move in. He knows I won't do that. I made it very clear when I gave him the impression I wanted to work it out that "BUT, I will NOT live with you for a year".

Yes, he has gotten himself here, trying to live beyond his means, gambling, buying presents for his daughters when not needed to try to impress them and spoil them, not forcing them to be responsible, get a GED, still coddling, etc. IF he would take a step back, he wouldn't be so run into the ground by THEM and his guilty issues and needs to impress them for whatever reason that is.

You have to ask yourself why

You have to ask yourself why are you hanging around with him if you just divorced him? It is sending a mixed message. It will be better for both you and him if you cut the contact. It is going to do no good... Only harm. It adds confusion where it really just needs to stay closed/ended

Stop having him or allowing

Stop having him or allowing him to come over. You will heal better if you cut contact with him completely. Be fully prepared for him to ask you for money or to move in. I would go no contact so that he cannot ask for money handouts or for hang outs. Do your own thing and block him so that he does not have this chance to take advantage of you.

Hi! You were right. He just

Hi! You were right. He just asked me if I could loan him $100-$200. That he'd pay me back.

You want to know why? Because he's been "disciplined" at work meaning he got in trouble for coming in late a ton for overtime he was scheduled for and now he's off of work for 3 weeks without pay.

So add this to being two months behind in rent.

I feel guilty though, like part of this is my fault.

I'm NOT giving him the money but feel like I should because he has helped me when I was in a bind a few times before.

BUT why can't his 19 year old daughter help him? She's just living there, doing nothing else other than working twice a weekend.

He needs help with so many things and BOTH daughters just sit there all day doing nothing and then guess what? When he's done busting his butt doing overtime, he comes home and takes them somewhere or treats them to something.

It's just all so backwards. But of course I care about him and I know he's been late for overtime because he's spreading himself too thin with all that he has on his plate. I feel like his daughters and this situation are going to run him into the ground. He's not doing well. It does hurt to see him go through this BUT..his choices.

Instead of sending both of his daughters to live with their mom who is living it up on a mansion on the beach.

This is just crazy. It's all so backwards and crazy.

P.S. How do I tell him no, I'm not comfortable sending him money and to get his stuff together already and send his daughters to their MOM so he can do so?

Say No

Say NO to handing him any money whatsoever. Disengage from him. Block him. Don't answer the door etc. Shut down however he's contacting you. It's NOT your fault. He's a big boy. He was disciplined at work. Besides that none of his problems are your problem any more... You are DIVORCED. Being divorced is essentially a breath of fresh air because essentially it means you DON'T have to owe him anything. He's more than capable of taking care of himself. But anyway who cares. Leave him to it and don't feel bad about it. The more you disengage from this man and his shenanigans the better you will feel. This is why you need to stop the contact.

Thank you! I haven't

Thank you! I haven't responded yet but I'm not going to give him anything.

How do I tell him no though? And that I'm not comfortable sending him money and to get his stuff together already and send his daughters to their MOM so he can do so?

Just say "No I can't do that

Just say "No I can't do that sorry." don't explain why. You don't have to figure it out for him. It's on him to figure out. He can do this on his own.

Hi all! Hope you're doing

Hi all! Hope you're doing well.

I'm staying strong. So strong and I'm shocked.

He actually just texted "the girls are staying at their sisters if you want to come and stay here"

UM...NOW you want me to come and stay there? Cause they're gone? Cause their older sister finally made time for them and now it's convenient for them and you?

When they came to hang at the pool and the last time I saw them a few times he didn't even hug me in front of them.

UM..NO. NO MORE...how DARE HIM

Yes, I'm fired up. Which is a good thing.

And he obviously hasn't learned from all that I've told him about this situation and how it makes me feel, etc.

On a positive note, I'm moving this week. It's happening finally. New beginnings there.

Good!

Now:

Open your message app
Open the Settings
Select BLOCK
Select your EX HUSBANDS contact
Hit OK

Lather, rinse, and repeat with his spawn, family, and friends... and then do the same with your phone app, plus mark his latest rmail as SPAM.

That guy is so f*cking ridiculous I wondered if this whole blog is a scam. But apparently it's real, so cut the cord and stop letting him continue to DISRESPECT you. Lots of great StepTalkers have suggested this - whatever you're getting from letting him come over with his pathetic needy sob-stories isn't healthy.

JMO

Edited to add, that NOT blocking & ghosting this guy is like an obese person keeping pints of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer congratulating themselves for not eating it... all the way up to when they break out the spoon. A total set-up!

Thank you! You saying it

Thank you! You saying it sounds like a scam just made me realize how bad it is.

Unfortunately, it's not a scam. It's my real story.

I feel silly typing that but it is.

I'm embarassed as well. But, I'm done. Moving on. I'm doing it.

Block.

Hi all! Hope you're well! As

Hi all! Hope you're well! As well as can be dealing with step parent drama.

I'm all moved in. Just waiting for my couches.

The move day was a negative fiasco. Exhausting physically and mentally draining.

He was very rude. I never responded to his asking for money text and he texted on the day of my move "UM".

I responded with I'm sorry but I'm moving today and I don't have anything to help.

He said "Me and your brother told you we could help and you know I'm looking for work to make money. WHAT is WRONG with your BRAIN?"

HE never said that to me and I'm sorry but am I responsible to give you work? Wouldn't you just offer to help me move for FREE considering all I've done for you and your daughters for 15 years?

I started crying so hard because him saying what is wrong with your brain knowing I have mental health struggles and I've been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders with no breaks for how long now, that may have not bothered someone else but that crushed me. I felt emotionally stabbed in the heart.

I lost it on him in text about his life, getting it together, doing the right thing with his daughters and making them accountable and that they can help instead of sitting on their asses all day. WHY doesn't he make them get their high school diplomas to get real jobs and help him? That I'm tired of being his punching bag and to go and abuse someone else.

I said "DON'T CALL ME BACK, DON'T TEXT me. I'm closing the chapter. WE ARE DONE".

He said "what did I say wrong? what time are you moving? me and the girls will be there to help."

I said "NO. Don't you dare come here. Don't come here and again, don't call or text me."

Well guess what??!?!?!? He showed up with his younger daughter anyway. I didn't say a word other than "I told you not to come."

Did I stop him from helping. Nope. Cause I needed it.

This was last Friday and I haven't heard from him since. I haven't paid him and I guess I'm shocked that he hasn't reached out to me at all.

I guess him showing up was his apology? Or he did that to make me see he helped and he's the good guy and so is his daughter to prove me wrong and now he hasn't contacted me since.

I feel at peace. Happy in my new place. I needed that change but I'm still hurt by how he talked to me one last time then shows up to do something nice like nothing happened than not a word again.

It's such a mind screw and I'm so done.

DONE! I am heartbroken though cause now I think more than ever he used me. I was just a complete use for him and now he has discarded me for good.

putting out my sign "The

putting out my sign "The Bitch is In"

so he now knows where you've moved to. he also knows he can ignore anything you say and just show up and you'll let him.

you need to find people to fill your life. people who will respect you, who will not ignore you saying "no".

I think you are your own worst enemy right now. you've been treading water, barely keep your head above water and he knows he can ignore your words, invade your personal space and bully you.

you say"I guess him showing up was his apology? Or he did that to make me see he helped and he's the good guy and so is his daughter to prove me wrong and now he hasn't contacted me since."

stop it. just stop it. he didn't apologize, he proved his point. you say one thing and then do another. he is not a good guy and you need to break this spell he has over you. otherwise, this is going to be your own version of Groundhog Day.

Thanks! He knew where I was

Thanks! He knew where I was moving to before this.

He has always ignored what I said.

The spell is broken. I'm just hurt. But don't want anything to do with him WHAT SO EVER!!

That is a HUGE break through for me!

This is gaslighting to the

This is gaslighting to the extreme. If what he said about your brother is true, drop kick his sorry arse into oblivion. There is bugger all wrong with your brain. Stop frequenting low lives who can't even raise their own children and you will feel SO much better. Do not doubt yourself.

I don't recall if he told my

I don't recall if he told my brother that. He might have when we were all hanging out that one day. I don't recall him telling me that at all. Actually, I do but I thought he was going out of town to make money with his nephew.

I'm not doubting myself. Just hurt and feel super discarded.

You're looking at this from

You're looking at this from the wrong angle. You're the one who divorced HIM. HE'S the one who's discarded!

Now complete the job by blocking him from any and all access to you. He's already done too much harm. If he turns up at your place, DO NOT LET HIM IN. If he won't go away, call the police. This is the right thing to do. And please, please, please find yourself a good therapist to help you deal with all those years of bullying and gaslighting.

You need to get this monster out of your life entirely. He has polluted your life for way too long.

You CANT win with him.

You CANT win with him. Winning for you will be when you can let go of contact with him. Only then will you be free.

Oh I know! I have realized

Oh I know! I have realized this. Still hurts like hell though.

It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm doing better than I thought I would though!

Consider every day without

Consider every day without him as a personal triumph ... because it is.

I am Everyday. Still stings.

I know he gaslighted me and

I know he gaslighted me and disrepected me by still coming to help to move but honestly what hurt me the most was him saying "what is wrong with your brain?"

Is that what you tell someone who perhaps missed something? Or misunderstood? It's so hurtful to me.

I have depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and PTSD (caused by him and the physical abuse) and him saying that just was a low jab. I feel like you never talk to someone like that.

We're done though. I haven't heard from him anyway. He's nice and content with his spawn using him and doing nothing to help him and doesn't have to worry about or hear me telling him the truth about it anymore.

They can all live broke in their dsyfunctinal la la land.

Again, just a slap in the face. I guess I'm disposable.

All of the above is just more

All of the above is just more proof you did the right thing by leaving and should go no contact.

You will hear from him. The

You will hear from him. The next time he needs to talk down to someone or needs an emotional punching bag. So, prepare yourself for that. What will you say? how will you act? Gird your verbal loins and be redy. Take back your strength and fortify your emotions. Be ready to say "go away" or to just (my advice) block his # today so you do not have his static in your ears later.

Im so sorry you are going through this!

But so glad you got away. You have ripped off the bandaid and now can start your road to healing. Keep is posted.

Each day away is a step in the right direction.

Rather than heartbroken you

Rather than heartbroken you should be celebrating your strength to flush the shit from your life and getting on with living your best life adventure.

Enjoy living well and living your revenge. After all, living your best life is the best revenge.

Hello! You are all right. I'm

Hello! You are all right. I'm going to start looking at this as I got away! I'm FREE!

It's HIS and their loss!

Each day is a triumph for me and I'm DOING it!

I am celebrating my strength!

Thank you all!

Yes thats right!! You got it

Yes thats right!! You got it ❤️

Hello! Quick update...and I'm

Hello! Quick update...and I'm laughing so hard...

He actually HAS been blocked since our last text exchange and the day of the move and I had no idea!

I found out because he was texting my daughter pictures of his daughter getting her license and it spurred my thought to say "hmmm I wonder if he's blocked on my phone" cause again, I'm shocked I haven't heard from him.

Well, turns out he's been blocked all along! So I truly have no idea if he was trying to contact me or not.

HAHA!

P.S. My daughter is irritated and said I haven't responded to his texts since you moved mom. I don't care to hear from him ever again. So I feel bad for her. That she knows about all of this and is being bothered. I told her to block him.

Your daughter should

Your daughter should definitely block him too. Both of your lives will be more peaceful that way.

YES! Good move on your part

Glad you BLOCKED that old baggage! Congrats!!

Maybe next get a fierce guard dog & never let *sshole xH in your new home.

Hi all! Hope you're well. It

Hi all! Hope you're well. It's been a while. Here for an update and more support.

I went two months no contact and wound up unblocking him.

I saw him twice and when he saw me the 1st time after being blocked for two months, not even knowing that I moved to a new place (I moved from where he helped me move after a month - it was BAD there).

Nothing was really said like I have missed you, I realize why you blocked me, I want to change, etc. it was just a normal hang out like usual.

His soon to be 21 year old is living with him again and just got her GED finally and only works two days a week, part time and his living off of him, mooching. He's super broke and the younger one is about to move back here too. So he'll have both of them living off of him doing the bare minimum.

He was just given 3 weeks off of work cause he has been late a ton due to having to share a vehicle with his odler daughter. This is unpaid and he can't even afford rent but is making all of these sacrifices for her, going broke, etc. Getting in trouble at work. Not making ends meet and all she has to do is work twice a week.

He texted last week "want to spend time with your husband?"

UMMMMM...I never responded but

I did text him last night cause I never got a response to the email that I sent when I divorced him. It was beautiful, heartfelt, raw and nothing. Then when he came over after not talking to him for two months no words like I get why you did what you did, etc. I'm happy to be here with you again, etc.

He called and said he didn't know that he had to respond to that and that he had to respond to the email line by line and I said that's not what I even asked for. A simple acknowledgement. A simple this is what I wanted and want for us going forward, etc. I'm sorry, etc.

He said I asked you to go for walks at the park how can we talk if we don't walk in the park or move forward? I said I have tried the walk in the parks, and when I tried to talk then I got shut down, etc.

I said all I wanted was validation, a real heart to heart that you understood where I was coming from, etc. and would make changes to make this work, etc.

He said "oh now you need words of validation?" Why do you need that?"

I said who doesn't? Especially after me, after all that has happened?

So it was just circles. He said that I have done things to him that he doesn't bring up. Like when covid was at it's peak and he wasn't following protocol so I asked him to leave if he wasn't going to do that as I take care of my grandparents who are high risk, etc. at that time it was a scary time and lots unknown. He said I was weird and paranoid and made him leave. I did.

But he made it seem like it was all me. Said he was respecting my space, that I always want to bring up the past. I said the past was never addressed that's why.

He said that he's been living in that house for 5 years waiting for me, etc. That I block him and then i don't etc. Like he doesn't think he does anything to warrant that.

Like again, just going around the subject of me asking him why he hasn't responded.

So I just feel like it's all in my court and the reason we're not together is me and nothing with him.

I said I'm done, and I don't know why I asked. He said I do know that I believe in the phrase "I'm going to love you until I die and I miss and love you like crazy".

I just hung up.

Then today I get pictures of his house with a "happy friday" and I'm so annoyed because what is he doing? Rubbing it in my face? Like while I'm here inside for 3 days cause I'm too depressed to do anything and no friends?

Sorry, just venting and need to talk.

It's like I almost forgot about all the reasons I divorced him.

I feel like he's trying to see me but just getting back into things like normal and without never even saying one damn word about that long email, the text, etc.

He's a-ok living in his own world with his mini wife #1 and the 2nd is on her way soon. Who am I?

So he doesn't need to do some grand gesture to win me back or he hasn't had an a-ha moment. I guess I'm never going to get that, right?

I don't even know if I'm making sense. I guess, I just feel so alone. I am alone and I'm waiting for this change so that I am justified to spend time with him and I would feel better, etc.

Do I even make sense?

How do I tell him that I'm waiting for him to show a grand gesture..heck, even a small gesture that doesn't include just inviting me over or stopping by, etc. Is that unreasonable?

P.S. His older daughter and I were texting and she said "I'm so happy to be back with daddy so I don't have to pay rent"....

You had 2 months of no

You had 2 months of no contact! He isn't going to make a grand gesture. He's a small-minded man who only makes small gestures. Like the fkboys who text "U up?" at 3am. That isn't love. He isn't going to change. These "babies" are in their 20s and moving BACK home. He was given 3 weeks "time out" for fking up at his job. If he were useful there they would have chosen a different "punishment." They are losers. They can offer drama, not love. They probably want you to move back so you can help pay their bills to subsidize them all sitting on their a$$es all day drinking beer.

I know. I guess his grand

I know. I guess his grand gesture is stopping by consistently even though I didn't answer the door for two months.

The soon to be 21 year old has been back home for a year now and the soon to be 18 year old graduates in January and said she wants to move in with him. I'm not 100% sure what will happen.

Don't get me wrong, I have always admired him being a good dad but I can't get over how all of this is happening.

He just called and said what are you doing? Do you want to come over here or me over there? I said, no not really and I don't know how to answer that. I've already told you why and he didn't say anything.

I just said I don't want to talk anymore, I'll talk to you at some point later ok? And he just hung up.

Like why is this so difficult? Why does he keep asking me to spend time knowing that I told him I'm not doing that without getting what I need from him. Which is a talk. Then he says talk about what, etc. turns it around on me like well if that's what you require then I don't know how to fix that, etc.

Like it's me..am I being stubborn? Is this normal to say no, I'm not going to see you unless you talk to me or respond to the things I've asked for? Like the email I sent?

I guess he responds but it al turns on me type of responses.

I feel crazy rigth now..like I have him trying to see me and I'm like nope, not unless you give me what I need first, etc.

I feel crazy, stubborn, confused, am I asking for too much?

Like how do I get him to see?

Do I tell him again, this is why we're not spending time, etc.? Like I appreciate the effort to see me but I need this?

"Like how do I get him to see

"Like how do I get him to see?"

That's the question codependents or people who can't accept the truth ask themselves. You have to accept that he will never "see." You can't change him. If he wanted to change, he would have done it. He knows what you want. He just knows you will keep seeing him even if you don't get it.

please_help, you are your own

please_help, you are your own worst enemy. For almost a decade, you’ve been declaring your intention to free yourself from a marriage that is destructive and doomed to failure. Yet, you continue to stay in contact with a man who is a user and ranks you third, at best, behind his adult mini-wives.

You’ve received over 200, heart-felt messages from various members of this site yet refuse to take the excellent advice for freeing yourself. I, for one, have lost patience with your complaints. Since you appear to have no intention of barring your husband, even after filing for divorce, I have nothing more to say.

Agree 100% !!! !!

Please_Help, please help yourself by re-blocking your xHusband and his daughters, and stop opening your door when he comes over. Why? Re-read everything above starting with your original blog post. Your xHusband is NOT a good man, father, employee, friend, husband, or human - and you KNOW this. He proves it OVER & OVER, so stop lying to yourself (and to StepTalkers).

Also get yourself to an AA* and/or Al-Anon meeting. Working with a sponsor and taking Contrary Action will help you get out of this sick spin cycle.

Being obsessed with your xH is you keeping yourself depressed and isolated. When you are sick of doing the same things and getting the same results, contrary action is the answer. It is the literal definition of "Insanity" to continue doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I would love an update where you've decided to love yourself enough to stop the insanity.

*There are multiple meetings EVERY DAY; they're FREE; and you'll meet people who GOT FREE one day at a time by taking action and following suggestions.

I agree with Al Anon. OP is

I agree with Al Anon. OP is the codependent in the cycle of alcohol abuse. Trying to get him to change but it never happens. Enabling him to keep hanging around her as his drunk miniwife having a-hole self. It's truly a cycle, and OP has to get off the crazy train. Nothing has changed in almost 10 years.

ETA OP, the codependent in the cycle is also an addict. Addicted to the alcoholic. You had 2 months. Just like an addict, you relapsed. But it doesn't mean you still aren't recovering. You divorced him and moved out, went mo contact for 2 months. That IS progress. Get back on that wagon! Go no contact again!

Also; please for the love of all that is holy, start a new thread!

Ok. Thank you. I'll start a

Ok. Thank you. I'll start a new one.

Well said (as usual),

Well said (as usual), StepUltimate. However, since OP has ignored our advice since Sept, 2015, it's unlikely that, after so many years, she will finally detach herself from her uncaring ex-husband. I'm beginning to suspect that she thrives on the unending drama.

The frustration of reaching out to an importunate complainer who refuses to act upon the sensible, solid and well-meaning advice that she requested, has spiked my blood pressure long enough. I have finally lost any hope of reaching please_help and can only wish her the best for the future. Sadly, she’s wasted a decade of her future prospects in flogging a long-dead horse.

Agreed.

I came here to ask the OP to reread my pep talk.

I, too, have nothing more to say.

Trudie, your previous post

Trudie, your previous post was, indeed, a memorable 'pep talk'! I hope that you don't mind me reposting it here; this blog is now so long that your excellent words have been lost in the shuffle yet deserve to be read again:

Therapy

Submitted by Trudie on Mon, 07/15/2024 - 9:38am

Treat yourself with LOVE. Be your own best friend and advocate. The rest falls into place.

Yes...

...we all need a pep talk sometimes. Thank you for reposting, grannyd.

How will you ever find a

How will you ever find a decent man if you keep entertaining a self-centred creep like this. The choice is yours.

I recall him saying many

I recall him saying many times "this whole weekend we could have been spending time" after something bad happened and I didn't see him, etc.

I would say because you haven't even apologized or said anything about it. So he would approach it that way.

At this point, what do I even say? Sorry, I'm done, I've been trying to get you to talk forever and you won't so I'm done? You haven't even done anything to try to keep me other than asking to stop by and wanting to hang out. That's not the solution.

Then he puts me in a bad spot knowing that I CAN see him and be with him if I wanted to but in my mind I'm saying but no, why would I? You're not giving me what I deserve and need, etc.

I didn't start a new thread because I don't even know what to say there.

I guess I just need to know what to say so I can move on and not be like a crazy woman going back and forth with him.

This is all sooo hard with the holidays again. Gosh. I hate this.

You don't have to say

You don't have to say anything. You divorced him and moved out. You went no contact for months. You don't owe him an explanation. He will just poke holes in it and wear you down until you see him. It truly is like an addiction. You have to stop cold turkey, again. If you must say something, a short "I'm sorry, yesterday was a mistake, i don't think we should talk anymore." FFS he has changed nothing. He is just more broke now. He will never "see." You don't owe him anything.

Absolutely.

Nothing that Please_Help could ever possibly say to her xHusband will satisfy her as it will never result in a meaningful response, acknowledgement, or apology.

Please_Help, put the hopium pipe down.

How can you expect us to help

How can you expect us to help you when you won't help yourself?

The Longest Thread Ever Seen

And Im not talking about Armani or Chanel.

Op, Please PLEASE stay strong and take all the advice given here. You are divorced right? (please confirm, divorce is final right since July 1???)

Go no contact. Each of your responses had the question "how do I tell him, how do I say this thing or that thing".

You dont. You go no contact. You get your self into therapy. TODAY.

Blessings. And since youve been asking for what is basically a script on "what to say", how about start a new blog titled "Update to my Saga from 2015" and then you change your handle name from Please_Help to Helped_herself_&_HAPPY

Okay. Time for some tough love. STOP BEING A TOXIC VICTIM!!!!!

You are a victim of yourself far more than you are a victim of him. For some perverse reason you have a need to torture yourself and him. FFS you butt blocked him and had this peaceful period and when you realized that you had butt blocked him instead of maintaining zero contact you went simpering back to flogging yourself and him. Not only that, you are serving your own DD up as a hors d'oeuvres to your toxic victim-hood. You are also texting with his DD. Leave her the hell alone.

Please leave anyone and everyone else out of this. Him, his kids, your own kid. If you insist on self flagellation then find a private place to do it that limits the damage to only you.

My heart breaks for you. However, yours is not the only life that YOU are destroying. He is just as much a glutton for punishment as you are. If he had even a single functioning brain cell he would block you. At best he only has two brain cells and one is busy giving the other CPR. But, he is also a controlling evil POS that you continually simper over. If I were a gambler I would wager every Cent and asset I have that he gives you not a single thought until you go presenting to him and wanting some delusional closure. Divorce is closure. If ..... you stop with your toxic victim sacrifice of everyone and everything on a forlorn hope of some admission from him that apparently will clear the history of failed relationship bullshit everyone will be better off. Including you.

I get the pain of the demise of a marriage. I have been there. One thing I did not do was sniff the backside of my serially adulterous skank whore of an XW looking for some non existent gem of redemption for the whole shit show I was a victim of. For damned sure I did not weaponize my victim-hood to attack myself, my friends, my family, or anyone else. The last time I interfaced with her in person was as we walked out of the courthouse from the final divorce hearing when the Judge issued the divorce decree. I was pleasant at the hearing, she was bitter and nasty which played well for me with the Judge and ultimately got her a Judicial ass chewing and got me the house. We walked out of the courtroom, down the stairs side by side, I opened the door for her, we stepped out onto the sidewalk, I stepped off of the curb, walked across the street, got in my truck, and drove away. The last time I saw her for 10+ years was in my rear view mirror. I did not look for her in the mirror, I was checking traffic. She stopped at the curb and reached out to touch my shoulder as I stepped off of the curb. As I drove away she was still standing at the curb in tears. No tears in court. The only emotion she expressed was vitriolic anger and rage. I was quiet, respectful, and was confidently present. I was sad. But I did not present that in court anymore than the look on my face. I was tall, fit, standing confidently observing as it all went down. The Judge ordered property distribution as agreed in our property negotiation that was presented to the court and all other property to be owned as possessed. She had moved out of our home. So, my house. Then the part where the Judge addressed her petition to return to her maiden name started. She got down right nasty at that point. The judge ripped her a new asshole telling her "knock that stuff off young lady or you will find that the court will be decidedly unpleasant to your cause", threatened to not grant her resumption of her maiden name until she provided a pregnancy test to the court. She turned ghost pale at that. During the hearing he was knocked up by the geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy she had been riding, along with several other winky pony ride buddies our entire marriage. She STFU when the Judge threatened to order a pregnancy and paternity test before granting her name change request which would have required her to get an amnio.

So, extricate your head from your own ass, grow up, and leave everyone else in in your toxic victim radius alone. Including your own DD, and his. Forgive yourself, stop the self flagellation, stop the toxic victimizing of yourself and any anyone else within target distance.

Toxic Victim-hood One of the most dangerous people you can have around you is the perpetual victim. Perpetual victims look at their own issues and mistakes and always find others to blame, from their unreasonable boss to their unloving parents (or in this case, their X, their own kid, his kids, etc...). They never take ownership of their own lives.

Okay, now that I got that out.

I am glad you are here. Get it out, vent, contribute, etc.... However, take actual action. Continuous action, involving you, a therapist, and no one else, that actually facilitates you living your best life instead of making the sacrificial altar to SParenthood and a shit storm of failed marital and multi-family drama your regal lounge. There is no marriage any longer. There are no minor children of any flavor. You are hurting yourself and so many others by continuing the 9+ year ad nauseam repeat of the same stuff over, and over, and over again while expecting a different result.

Take care of you. For real. Don't just say the words. Take the actions.

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Mini wife & Guilty Father syndrome - Please help!