Should this bother me?
As most of you know it has been rough for me dealing with BMs non stop communication with SO. It has drastically improved on how or if he responds. Then this happened. There is a ton of gossip from a dad about a coach on a team SS played on 5 or so years ago. I had heard about the issues in the past and then the dad posted on social media. Very long story. SO asked told me about it and then I said would read it. He is working out of town right now. We then discussed it and he he said don't worry I won't call BM about it. I said why would I have ever of thought that. I am so upset now because that means he was thinking about her. My feelings are hurt and now he has turned it around on me and said it is because of me and how I always think he is calling BM. I am not buying it, he had all day to think up an excuse . Maybe I am overreacting and overthinking. If this doesn't make sense I can try to explain it better.
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My opinion from reading it is
My opinion from reading it is that he anticipated you would worry he would call bio mom and was trying to ease your mind on the matter. I feel like you took it as he was thinking about her.. However it kind of seems he was trying to make you not worry. To be fair you have worried about it a lot. Hopefully it is true that he is not talking to her about it and if he's not.... Then that he progress on his part for sure because in the past it feels like he would have, no doubt.
yeah.. I got this from it too
yeah.. I got this from it too. I just fear that the issue is that at this point RR is so raw from all of it.. that it's like to a hammer everything is a nail.. she isn't able to get out of her own head about these things.. and I think a lot of it might have to do with the fact that she realy has no control over any of it.. and that, in itself, is difficult to deal with the powerless feelings.
Habits are hard to break and
Habits are hard to break and perhaps his brain did think about calling BM to talk about it - but he didn't - instead he talked to you. Look to his actions, not his thoughts. Actions are easier to control and he seems to be changing his actions positively. Over time he will have fewer and fewer instances where his brain reminds him that he previously would have talked to BM.
No, it shouldn't bother you.
No, it shouldn't bother you.
Thanks for telling me your
Thanks for telling me your thoughts. It is much appreciated. I will try to tell him I understand where he was coming from.
When the "rules of the
When the "rules of the relationship " get changed, it can be hard to actually accept that they will work. Your first instinct is to react as you did in the past. DH was trying to reassure you that he was following them. He needs to understand how sensitive you are due to the history of his communication with BM. He should also acknowledge that he caused this reaction in you and apologized each time it flares up. Proof of changed behavior and acknowledgment of the anxiety it flares up are the balm that will heal this. It's still fresh and With consistenty it should die eventually.
C-PTSD is from the constant immersion of a stressful situation. Look it up. It's a real thing in step world.
I will look it up. I know I
I will look it up. I know I have to try to change my reaction because I am always thinking the worst because of his past behavior.
He must decide who his wife is.
I am with you, there should be no communication with BM. ALL communication should be by text and all texts are save so you can read them. No joint party's as Birthday's. Or joint events. No blue blood Sunday dinner with BM. New family, new transition
'This would bother me too. This is disrespectful to you, you should be on top of the mountain. He divorced BM. that was his choice, he must break away.
He has gotten so much better.
He has gotten so much better. There has never been any combined dinners or birthdays. He has pretty much stopped all phone calls and it is only texts and he has started responding differently or not at all. This just upset me because I took it wrong. Instead of seeing he was reassuring me he wasn't going to talk to her I took it as he thought about calling her about it.
I wouldn't worry about the
I wouldn't worry about the comment but also i hope you don't beat yourself up over your reaction. There are some things you just can't come back from. Extreme codependency with an ex and lying about it is one of those. He did those things and he can never undo them. Your reactions might never be "normal" when it comes to his ex, and why would they be? To expect yourself to feel like it never happened is unrealistic. However, the relationship can be salvageable if he tries and you try going forward. The longer he acts in a trustworthy way, the more you will trust him. But you will never have the innocent full trust and open optimism you had in the beginning. Only a fool would after dealing with what you did.
I feel this way too.
I feel this way too. Sometimes I have intense reactions to minor things because it reminds me so much of past situations with my husband. A trigger.
I agree to not beat yourself up over feeling that way. Perhaps examine it and learn from it. Hopefully it progresses in a positive direction and he doesn't text her for those dumb things. He shouldn't. He should come to you and discuss them with you. The fact he told you means he is thinking about you and your feelings.
And of course something else
And of course something else always has to come up. SS has a rash on his head and BM has to be in constant contact with SO. I understand it was a medical thing. But ugh. It is like as soon as something shows improvement boom. I know this is how step life works. I should have found someone with no kids but I guess life works in different ways.
A rash on
his head requires incessant contact? I'm sorry, but that's really funny. I sometimes realize how good my ex-husband's second wife had it with me as the first wife. I never contacted him with picayune stuff. If he had broken a bone or been hospitalized I would have let him know but that's about it. What you're put through is ridiculous!
And I am okay with BM letting
And I am okay with BM letting SO know about anything medical especially since the kids are horrible at telling him things. She just always has something. And the way she handles it is ridiculous. She did this with SD 17 when she had a headache for two days. You would have thought the daughter had a brain aneurysm.When SO finally was able to talk to SD, it was not a big deal and they told her she needs to take a vitamin . But what is SO to do. One time SS said he was going to hurt himself and SO didn't get the phone because it was BM. She text and then he did call her back. So how do you know what to do? Ugh.
She is just looking to be in control and contacting
Herself into your life. Your feelings are like many of us. We don't want to deal with the ex. We want a life of our own. Your DH should see someone to explain zhoechrscrailing you and your marriage. That he can not keep everyone happy. He must pick one person to keep happy. Either that's you. Or leave you to be BM servant She doesn't want to be married to him, but still wants the props
It is always such a fine line
It is always such a fine line between what is actually for the kids and what is her manipulating SO. I know some people can tolerate it a lot better then I can. But SS had this huge rash on his head and BM text SO to see if he knew what it could be and then took him to the doctor and then updated SO. I think that is all okay but it is just always something. He has gotten better and I know it is a challenge for him, because not only was it a habit that he had responding to her always, he also has an OCD issue with having to respond to anyone immediately. I think a lot people do this anymore because everyone wants instant gratification.
Isn't this kid a teen? Just
Isn't this kid a teen? Just for perspective, when i was 50/50 with my ex, i would not notify him of every symptom each kid ever had. If it was hospital-worthy, of course i would tell him. Or if it were something serious that he had to deal with when they went back to his house, yes. But a teen tbh should be able to handle his own rash, even of the precious teen has cream or ointment for it. I agree this BM's overcommunicating and your DH's OCD need to communicate back are an abnormal pattern. You already know this. You don't need people on the internet to tell you your feelings are ok. They are ok, and your focus should be on "what now?" I think if your focus is on yourself and if your feelings are ok or acceptable to the masses, it cripples your ability to deal with the situation.
He wanted to ignore her when
He wanted to ignore her when she text about the rash but then he feels if he does and there is an issue then the kids will think he didn't care.she did take him to an emergency clinic and it turned out to be ringworm from his football helmet. He was going to ask SS about it but of course BM called him immediately after the appointment and since he was taken to the doctors SO answered because maybe it was urgent. Like I said it is such a fine line. The kids rarely communicate anything to him even though he has told them to several times. I know I should rely on others on here to validate my feeling because they are mine and no one can tell me how to feel. I wish I could answer what now because I don't know. I can only nag about things so much because that also puts a strain on our relationship.
Given the fact that ringworm
Given the fact that ringworm is contagious, I think it was appropriate to let her DH know.. it also required a visit to the DR.. so was not just something handled with a minor otc cream.. so I think communicating was important.. first so he will expect to see billings for the visit.. 2nd.. so he can ensure that proper precautions are followed and that maybe he should take some steps to clean the boy's bathroom.. bed etc.. so that he doesn't reinfect or spread it at his house.
SS doesn't stay with us so at
SS doesn't stay with us so at least I don't have to worry about that. And I probably won't see him for over a week.
Exactly. He doesn't come to
Exactly. He doesn't come to your home so there is no reason DH would have to do anything. An emergency doctor visit for ringworm? Lol. Even ringworm of the scalp, which often does need oral meds if within the hairline, isn't an emergency, and it sounds like the kid is never in DH's custody. A text to inform of the upcoming unnecessarily high bill would suffice, and an immediate reply is not needed. Don't be gaslit. This does not require immediate two-way communication. ETA a "huge" ringworm did not just appear emergently. It took days to weeks depending on the size.
I think she said an
I think she said an "emergency clinic".. I took that to be Urgent Care. My Dr's practice is so booked up that when i call for an appointment.. they offer me dates that are months out... for anything routine.. and weeks for an "issue". We are advised to seek urgent care if we cannot wait.. they actually have an "urgent care" clinic at one of their other locations.. (not convenient to us so one reason why I recently changed practices). I think this kind of thing shouldn't wait and her taking him to urgent care was appropriate actually.. it was unlikely his pediatrician could have gotten him in on short notice.
And.. the kid may not stay at their house.. but her husband does drive him places.. they apparently go on travel ball trips where they stay in the same room.. so yeah.. they are in close enough contact with the kid that it potentially could have some impact.
I mean, it's not drop everything, send a flurry of messages and have long calls about it.. but it warrants a text to inform IMHO and a response "thanks for letting me know".
that's normal communication between Exes.
This was a bit more than just a case of athelete's foot.. I know the kid is 16.. but simple informing and confirming is not over the top imho.
I mean, do we KNOW that BM
I mean, do we KNOW that BM tried to get him into his pediatrician, who was booked up so told her to take him to urgent care? That seems like stretching to assume the best of this BM, therefore assuming that our OP is, in fact, being selfish and unreasonable.
I don't think that OP is
I don't think that OP is being selfish or unreasonable.
She is having a normal reaction based on the history with her husband. Her reaction is based on countless truly insignificant communications.
I am not assuming BM tried her own pediatrician or not.. just that in my experience.. it seems many medical practices aren't able to see people at a moment's notice. Urgent care is maybe a little more than her regular doctor.. but in my experience for minor things.. the cost is not prohibitively different.. and my insurance covers it just as it would a regular office visit. NOT the ER per se.. that IS different.. but the doc in the box urgent care places.. I get similar coverage and out of pocket is not terribly different.
I think this kind of rash .. is probably something that is appropriate for Urgent Care clinic treatment.. again.. that doesn't mean I am saying that OP is being selfish.. I don't think that at all.
It's possible for the Ex to have done the "right thing".. and it still annoy OP. It also sounds like her DH didn't get overly involved in overcommunicating.. so that is good as well.
You are right in that this
You are right in that this issue is gray area/minor compared to some issues. I just wanted OP to know that her feelings are not "crazy" given the circumstances. BTW you are lucky with your insurance. Mine has a $200 copay for urgent care but only $30 for primary care. Some of these companies really screw you.
Pediatricians could not
operate the way you describe your doctor's practice.
I guess he just got his hair
I guess he just got his hair cut and they found the rash. BM freaked out and ran him to emergency. SO doesn't even pay medical because her insurance is great and everything like that is covered. There are only certain things SO would be responsible for.
Coming back to add, OP is
Coming back to add, OP is dealing with a BM who turned ringworm into an ER and immediate communication with her ex, who complied. By any standards, this BM is "a lot." OP is asking if she's wrong or crazy to be bothered by all of it. She isn't.
I am not bothered by the fact
I am not bothered by the fact that she let SO know about SS and the rash. agree she should let him know about that. I was bothered by when I thought SO was thinking about texting her for gossip and let me know he wasn't going to do that. I just was adding that when I think we are good and the texts will die down something comes up. I am sorry if I mis said something.
You didn’t.
Erroneous assumptions were made and that's not on.