Any chance of a new therapist/paychologist? I agree that it sounds like depression. I don't think it's good for some people's mental health to hermit themselves away and never interact with people IRL. Isolation can breed depression and anxiety. I hate to say it but what he probably needs is a connection outside of his gaming. Any interest in dating? If he's in his 30s his peers are likely starting to settle down and have families. While it's perfectly fine to remain single your whole life, you do have to have the right frame of mind for it (ie. you don't get lonely). Friends can be hard to come by and keep at his age because people are preoccupied with growing a family. That's not to say he can't do it. But, he is going to have to put himself out there if he wants a connection, be it friendship or otherwise. 

I would recommend to your wife, his mother, make a list of  his family tree on both sides and see if there is any mental illness in his DNA.  Some are highly genetic, for example Bipolar.  You've painted a very horrible picture of his sperm  donor's family.  As much as he is your son, he has different DNA than you.  Facts.  
 

You can't fix this one.  That will frustrate the hell out of you.  I get that.   So what role can you play?  A solid rock for these two very much loved people to rely on.  
 

Memory loss, isolation, retreating from enjoyable activities: all signs of depression. Is he taking a prescribed antidepressant? He may need something different or a combination of medications. 

 DW expressed how my discounting of feelings and focusing on action made her feel unsupported...

It sounds like mother and son might be two peas in a pod regarding their feelings toward your approach. What did your DW need to feel supported? Maybe the two of you can discuss things you can say that make son feel supported and not a... call to action. My apologies if that is a poor choice of words. I suffered from depression so severe after leaving my psycho exh that the only thing that kept me employed was that I had to get out of bed to let my darling Mr P (dog) out and feed him. I figured since I was up (heavy sign and dragging feet), I'd go to work. If I'd've had a cat, I would have lost my job.

Prayers your son gets the help he needs to reignite his spark.

This sounds like depression to me, too (except for the memory loss) which, luckily, is treatable. Is he on medication? When you're deeply depressed, it can feel and be impossible to act....or act in a big way. How far is he from you all? Can you easily get to him? At this point, it sounds like a "Let's get through the next day" thing vs retirement worries (although I get that this is a big deal). 
And congrats to your parents and congrats on the new family member! 

It is so painful to watch our loved ones make poor decisions, or no decisions when they should be making them, like your son.   I feel your pain, especially since you are such an action guy.  It is the toughest thing parents do, watch this.

I want to think my actions and beliefs shape my kids and they do, somewhat.  But it seems the older they get, the more they revert to their real selves, I guess we all do.

You're on the roller coaster of life, Rags, so hold on

I am speaking from the viewpoint of someone who has suffered major depression and other mental health problems.  I think that your son is "doing something to directly address the issues" by seeing numerous professionals about his condition.  When I was in the pit, what helped most was friends and family who would just listen, and not judge me, or suggest solutions.  What hindered the most was people saying something like "if you would just do x,y,z everything will come good".   I would suggest you read "Climbing out of Depression" by Sue Atkinson - and maybe buy your son a copy.  

Your son's depression may last a short or a long time, but often it is caused by deep anger being turned inwards.  If he needs to leave the USAF, so be it.  His life is more important than a job.  Depression can kill.  Your scorn of feelings will be coming across to him loud and clear. He is still working and doing the best he can - this is worth the highest praise, not telling him he's doing it all wrong. 

Socialization seems to be a muscle that needs exercising.  I think people who tended towards being introverts leaned into it further during the years of covid restrictions.. less in office time.. less in person interraction.. and I even find myself a lot less interested in participating in larger group activities. (we had a local throw down this past weekend.. a couple wanted us to go with them.. we even bought tickets at their pushing.. but I refused to go.. too many people.. didn't just want to drink all day and get nothing done... they found out I'm also stubborn.. haha)

It sounds like he needs a bit of a game plan.... some exercises that he can do daily to get out of his shell and comfort zone.. at least a little bit to start.  

I mean.. it might be as simple as "smile at 5 strangers today".  "Say hello to three new people today"   Then it might work up to looking for moderate sized meeting groups in things that might interest him ... maybe even volunteer at an animal shelter.. the animals need the humans.. and he would get some peripheral human contact.. maybe even make connections?

The problem is that he is kind of in that cycle of a body in motion stays in motion.. a body at rest stays at rest.. he can't get out of his own way mentally to get out there and get into life.

What about a vacation.. a cruise or something that might shake up his routine?  

I don't know.. I'm a bit like you rags.. and would be so tempted to say.. well .. how are you going to have a life if you never leave your 4 walls?  

but.. depression is difficult.. and I even suffer from it.. and it's like being on the verge of tears and you don't even know why.. it's not wanting to participate and deal with other people judging you..thinking you are weird.  

I would also suggest looking for another therapist.. if he doesn't get much more traction with this one.

You've gotten some great input. I also think depression is a major concern. Praying for your son. And yes...he needs a new therapist, one who can give techniques for your son to implement and then the therapist follows up on. Best to you and your son, Rags.

Patient: "Doc, it hurts when I do this."

Doc: "Don't do that."

Medical gaslighting at it’s finest!  That’s like telling you, well stop having diabetes, you just can’t stop having a disease.  Your SS is going through something and you can’t fix it, don’t you think he would fix it if he could?  Nobody wants to feel like crap, nobody wants to have mental health issues that nobody sees or understands and then get the unsolicited advice “well if you would just do XYZ you would feel better.”  Don’t you think they would have done that by now?   It sounds like your SS is taking the steps he needs to get the help he can, it’s not like our health care system is the best in helping people get immediate care or answers.  Look at it from this perspective, you are doing the best you can with your diabetes and sometimes it’s going to flare up and be worse and it doesn’t matter what you do to try and make it better, it will take time to work it out right?  Same thing with your SS, it’s going to take some time to work it out.  Be there, be a support for him, offer advice if he asks, but don’t judge him or try and give him the antiquated advice of “suck it up and get over it.”

The good news is that he's been in the military long enough that he will be taken care of no matter what. Whether he makes it to retirement or gets medical discharge with disability, he won't be left high and dry. I'm no expert on the details but i've worked in the medical field long enough to know that they don't just fire you and that's it.

The bad news is that he's got something. My guess is depression, anxiety, or bipolar. They all can surface in the 20s. You have said in the past that he goes long stretches without communicating. If it's bipolar, those may be his "up" phases. All of the above are treatable, though, and a lot of people come through it and lead successful lives with the right treatment. As long as he's willing to seek and follow treatment and stays off drugs and excessive alcohol, he can come out of this stronger. Anxiety runs deep in my family and it is a real and often crippling thing. My dad, my sister, and my youngest kid all take meds. My son goes to therapy and journals, and i (like the horrible patient medical providers often are) treat myself with herbal remedies and exercise. But know it is real and if you really have it, it's not a matter of just being lazy and needing to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. That's part of it but not all of it. 

Im so sorry your SS is going through this, and I know its painful to watch.

Congrats on your newest family member.

Suck it up powder puff probably wont accomplish much in this case. All good advice here I dont really have much more to give thats different.

Maybe just more attention and time - facetiming or skyping. Less gaming.

((sending prayers for your son))

It is devastating to watch someone you care for deeply struggle.  And regardless of the help and support around them, they won't help themselves.  I wish I had the answer for you.  I have a brother with some similarities to this situation, and I always wonder what is going on that I don't know about because, as Judge Judy says, if it doesn't make sense, it's not true.  It doesn't mean they are lying but they aren't omitting things that could help ("lying by omission").  That being said, I imagine there is really no effective way to guide your skid because he is perhaps complacent with things, he's not able/willing to do things to improve his situation.  I am very sorry you're feeling so helpless supporting him and your family in this.

He's smart. He knows what he needs to do (he could probably rattle off the list of things that you would suggest if asked what he thinks you'd say). He is working with smart professionals who are helping him take the steps he needs to take when he is ready to take them.

What he needs from you and his mom is to know that he is worthy, loved and (morally - not necessarily materially) supported no matter what. That you are proud of him. That his self worth is not tied to the actions he takes in a day, his job, his social life or his mental state. He needs you both to tell him that you know that he is doing what he can and that he will find a way out of this in his own way at his own pace. He needs you to spot and recognise the small things he is doing that are tough for him right now. That he has sought help and is going to appointments and trying to find answers. That he gets up and goes to work every day. That he recognised that tardiness had to be rectified and works hard each day to be early/on time. And that he dotes on and cares so well for his cat.

I have a tendance to offer unsolicited solution based advice, it is something my own mother does and I resent being on the receiving end from her. I am trying to learn that it is often not desired or helpful. There are many ways to live life and my way is not THE correct way, people need to find their own paths. Holding my tongue and trying to be supportive is so tough, I feel for you. But what most of us need is a hug and a kind word to help us keep going on the hard days, not an action plan when we're already just trying to tread water to save ourselves from drowning. We know where the side of the river is, we just can't reach it right now.

Your son will find his own way, it just may not be the straight line you would have expected. 

I struggle with severe anxiety..always have.  DH's go to for a long time was to tell me...what it could be worse...just suck it up.....stop worrying..its not that bad.  In a nutshell..NONE OF THIS HELPS.  I tell DH..do you think I want to be like this..no...but here we are.  I'm going to therapy, using the things in my toolkit, etc but sometimes...its just doesn't help.  However, telling me to get over really really really doesn't help.  I call it the..I don't want to listen anymore so just shut the eff up response.  And yes..when DH says those things..I don't feel supported at all.  

My advice...while I understand you want to "fix" it because you can't stand seeing them hurt...refrain from telling them how to do so.  Your DW knew her situation was toxic...but she also  knew that somewhere else might be as well.  The devil you know versus the one you don't.

Your SS knows his mental health is struggling and he has reached out to professionals for help. Unfoturnately, in dealing with DH's and Sd's ADHD...sometimes depression or bipolar go right along with it.  Also, ADD/ADHD can cause depression due to masking symptoms all the time, etc.  Its not fun...for them our or us. 

I know you mean well...just as my DH does..but if I had any advice...can the fix it response..and come from a point of ..."what can I do to help you right now?"